Hi y'all. We recently moved my grandma into a very nice assisted living facility. She lives in a normal looking apartment with a beautiful view, there are lots of activities each day, and the food is great. The only thing that gives it away are the floor nurses that do check ups every now and then. They are very nice. The issue is, my grandma is having a very difficult time adjusting. I empathize with that. However, she cannot go back to her condo. Just before we moved her out, she had nearly started a fire by leaving papers in the oven and turning it on. She needs to be in this care home for her own safety and well-being. She cannot prep and plan meals for herself anymore and lost 12 lbs due to not eating earlier this year. My question is- how do I show her I empathize with her longing for familiarity while also remaining firm that I will not take her back to the condo where she can't take care of herself?
I am just curious why your Grandmother is in Assisted Living instead of being in Memory Care where the Staff is very familiar with Alzheimer's and dementia issues, and know how to deal with such?
Another thing to note, if Grandma starts saying she was to "go home", please note that usually means she wants to go back to her childhood home, being with siblings (if any), and be a kid again in happy times. This is when "therapeutic fibs" come in handy, like telling her the house is being painted, or plumbers are working on a major issue. I had to use such with my Mom, and it worked :)
Acknowledge Her Feelings:
Let her know you understand how hard this move is for her. Phrases like, “I know how much you miss your condo and the independence it gave you” can go a long way in validating her emotions.
Recreate Familiarity in Her New Space:
Bring items from her condo, such as her favorite chair, decorations, or family photos, to help her new apartment feel more like home.
Encourage her to participate in activities that match hobbies she enjoyed before.
Frame the Move Positively:
Focus on the benefits of her new home, like the great food, social activities, and beautiful view. Highlighting these positives might help her appreciate the change more.
Set Boundaries with Compassion:
Gently remind her that her safety and health are the priorities. You might say something like, “Grandma, I want you to be somewhere you can be safe and cared for. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you while you were alone.”
Have you considered involving a guardian or care advocate? Sometimes, having someone step in as a neutral party to oversee her safety and well-being can help ease the emotional strain and allow her to live more independently while ensuring her needs are met. A guardian could help her transition smoothly and even revisit the possibility of her living on her own with the right supports in place.
Tell her that you understand how many losses come with aging, and you will be there soon enough, and that you admire the courage with which she has faced her losses. Tell her that you can only imagine how hard this is for her, but that it is necessary now for her safety and well-being. Tell her that the sad truth is that now this is home for her, and she is going to have to make the best of it that she can.
This is one of the few times that "giving hope" is out of the question.
She sees you as a possible means of rescue and escape.
My brother said to me finally, about the necessity that he had to be ALF (and he tried to remain in his last little home, but recognized that with me usually 1/2 the state away he would be a burden and dependent on his helpful community, and happily made this choice HIMSELF)--that this was a bit like being in the army when he was young. He didn't much like it but he would make the best of it. And he did. People react in different ways but there is a period of mourning that isn't unlike the loss of a loved one. For most of us our home is our haven, and is almost a sentient being. This loss comes second only to the loss of your entire mind.
There's no way to make it all happy now, and YOU aren't responsible for her happiness. She will now live out her time as well as she is able. There's no way to make nice-nice out of it and I know you already recognize that from what you are saying.
Be certain not to negate her feelings.
It is now such meaningless platitudes of:
I am so sorry this is so hard.
I hear you and I feel so sad for you.
I hope things will get a bit better as this seems more like home.
Good luck.