My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
So, are you inviting some of the aunts and uncles, but not the one that got the house keys? You don't think someone will tell her and the hospitalized aunt about the party?
So that was like 3 hours ago and none of them have said anything. Hasta nunca, ya me voy, muchachas!
That's great. You must have felt good laying down your new rules and boundaries to them.
Well done starting the total disconnect!
Please understand when I say this - there are certain personality types and it sounds like your Aunt has one -that will literally take and take and take until there is nothing left - and then you are left with the fall out.
My personal hope is that by the time I get to the end of this you have washed your hands of the entire thing and are moving her to an AL or have left her to her own devices. But I suspect you are still up to your eyeballs in this. I'm crossing my fingers that you have taken your vacation and had an epiphany of your own and escaped!!
Your aunt certainly sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies at the very least and she will definitely do whatever it takes to get her supply and her needs met - literally anything! In addition to some other potential mental health issues. She needs help for sure....but it doesn't have to come from you. It doesn't even have to come from her kids! She needs to be somewhere safe for her, get the right assessments completed to diagnose her level of capacity moving forward and place her somewhere safe where she can be taken care of. But NONE of that is on you!
Go on your vacation and enjoy your time. And maybe learn a tiny lesson that as someone else said "no good deed goes unpunished". You have a good heart but sometimes we have to let people figure things out on their own no matter how much we want to help. I know it's hard and I'm pointing my entire hand at myself when I point the finger at you believe me, I'm a total enabler and I keep stepping into steaming piles of crap in my own family (well in laws really) every time I turn around trying to help. All it has done so far is serve to get me in deeper and it certainly benefits my FIL while just prolonging the inevitable unfortunately -and my partners in crime are worse than I am...so my FIL basks in the benefits while we all bend over backwards to ensure that all of his needs are met indefinitely. It's a never ending street that you don't want to get stuck on!
Find that off ramp and take it fast and don't get back on!
If she lands in the hospital again (probably a matter of "when" not "if"), do NOT do cat care no matter what. Not for a day, not for a week, not "until they can get someone," not for someone "who can't start until next week because they are out of town." Because if you DO agree to any amount of cat care, you will be showing that you cannot hold to a boundary. And then aunt will try to breach all your boundaries all over again.
Not sure if I would not invite the Aunt that seems to be willing to help. You could ask that she not mention it to the "Aunt" because ur are not inviting her for good reason.
Again, go on your vacation and enjoy. Block everyones #s. You are now done with this Drama. Hopefully, by the time you return, everyone will have it all worked out. Make sure all understand that communications are between Aunt, her children and Aunt's siblings that you are out of the picture.
I thought the cat carer is only going to take care of the cat until aunt comes back to her apartment. I am just hoping that EN doesn't jump in even temporarily to do cat care when aunt ends up in hospital again.
From EN: " My cousins hired someone to feed the cat in case she stays in over the weekend so I'm giving her the other set on Friday. We are going to put anything she left at my house in a box and leave it in her apartment."
EN, are you putting anything aunt left at your house in her apartment before you hand over your last set of keys to your cousin on Friday?
Happt birthday to your mom and enjoy your vacation!
Now you just have to stick with that stance like your very life depends on it. Stay away, at least until someone in her direct line steps up and gets her more permanently situated.
I was in their shoes once, and I sympathize with them. Your experiences with your aunt the past few weeks have been hard, but imagine having to grow up with that. The prospect of becoming re-involved with such a parent is incredibly scary to someone who thinks they finally escaped that person's clutches, and it can take a while to accept the idea that the time has come. The fear is visceral. There's a lot of denial involved.
But ... they have to get involved. Even if involvement just looks like getting the state to take over. The buck stops with them. They just haven't come around to accepting that yet. As long as you, cousin, even have a pinky finger involved with their mother, that's all the excuse they need to keep being in denial. In a way, you're inadvertently enabling them to stay in that place of denial. I'm sure they say "Cousin EN is a social worker. She'll know what to do. Mom still hasn't burned her bridges with EN." You need to show them the burnt up ropes of that bridge, and keep showing it to them until they are forced to admit that there is no one else. It's the only way to get them to admit that this is their responsibility. With any luck, things will progress to the point that they can officially let the state take over as guardian in the near future.
Oh, and the back surgery? Hogwash. I know someone up for back surgery. There was a long wait for the MRI, then there was a long wait for the appointment with the surgeon, and now there's another long wait before the surgery will actually take place. I doubt she got an MRI while being admitted for an anxiety attack, and that she would be scheduled for surgery within two weeks.
At any rate, good for you for finally laying down the law. Now keep doing it until they get it.
I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if everyone quits helping. That sill doesn’t make it the responsibility of en.
I shared this to say that no is an answer. No is to the point and is a sufficient response. You don't have to give a reason, but if you want to, that's your decision. Although I love my uncle, I have no regrets with that decision. I am very grateful that I was able to be there for my mom and my aunt.
Either that or she's lost her memory. No normal person would call and call and call someone for days, not get a response, and still keep calling. Doesn't she get the hint by now? EN, maybe you have to spell it out to her the way you did for her children.
Vacation is almost here. It will be so nice getting away, just you and Mom and just the way it should be.
I feel bad for the situation she is in and I told my mom maybe someday we can have a very casual relationship with her but not now. She needs to become more independent and she's very capable of doing all the things that she tries to get other people to do for her. I don't know what she's going to do about her house but she needs to figure that out on her own. I realize that she isn't able to drive but there are plenty of bus, taxi and van services and she has the number for them. I think I feel bad right now because I want to go in and 'fix' things for people but that wouldn't help her, she'd just come up with a new list of requests and it would never end.
I am a Christian and I tried to think about what God would want us to do in this situation and I don't think he'd want us to cater to her. I don't think he want us to completely cut her off, either. I just don't feel capable of a middle ground with her right now though. I need a whole bunch of time and distance before I can even consider talking to her.
Enjoy your vacation.
If it makes you feel any better, you can write a letter to her explaining why you have to cut off contact with her. What do you think?
So many folks I know use religious texts to manipulate others for their own gain. Christ advocated poverty and communal welfare, yet the folks who preach his texts aggressively and loudly appear to hold neither of those values in high regard.
I like "God helps those who help themselves."
Aunt needs a professional therapist. Not you.
She needs reliable transportation. NOT YOU.
She needs food and prescription delivery. Not you.
She needs a new team of doctors. Not you.
She needs a case manager. Not you,
You've given her all the tools to acquire the above. Your stepping back forced her kids to step back in (good!).
Your mother can have as much of a relationship as she wants with her sister. It doehave to involve you. Your mom sounds easily manipulated by her sister, so you may end up needing to enforce a boundary with mom as well.
As I've said, therapy is a pretty good c way of working on this stuff.
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How long do you plan on being your mother's only caregiver? You already subsidize her financially; when it comes to her needing help while you are at work, are you going to pay for that out of your own pocket? You have siblings (2 sisters?), and neither of them does a thing to help with their mother. And one lives only a mile away! Why is that?
Were you groomed to me your mother's eventual caregiver?
What is your mother's financial status? Is she contributing anything to her upkeep? Is facility placement every going to be on the table?
I assume your sister a mile away has had nothing to do with your aunt?
While this thread has to do with your aunt and her manipulations, it seems like you have also been manipulated by your mother, yes?
It's difficult, because they're *choosing to make* it difficult, hoping that the path of least resistance for you is to give in, to get out of an awkward situation, that they *chose to create*, in the hope of *transferring their responsibilities to you*.
It's in your interest to be as polite as you can, to not take the bait of engaging in drama, so that they can't twist your words and reaction for their benefit. If they hint and hang over your head that there may be unpleasant consequences to your decision, then they own those consequences (as well as the situation its self) that they chose to create, not you. There's never an easy way to deal with dishonorable people, because they deliberately *make* it difficult as a strategy to take from you, that which does not belong to them. Once I learned to see it this way, it didn't necessarily become easy for me, but the choice did become more clear. Honorable people would never have put you in this situation, in the first place, period.
(above paragraphs, are in my position on the cousins, siblings is unfortunately far more difficult)
Is your mom being followed by a geriatric psychiatrist for her depression and anxiety?
Is her pain being treated now?
From now to you get home I want to hear nothing about the Aunt. You are on vacation! Please enjoy the peace and quiet. Tell us positive things about ur days.
My daughter, not into religion, read Boundries by Townsend and Cloud and felt, even though Christian based it was pretty good.
My clarity was that my mom is what got me involved in the first place. She wants to worry about all this, get riled up and eventually I get involved just so I can have some peace and quiet. Not happening this time. My aunt cries and acts helpless to get people to do what she wants but my mom gets angry about it and thinks if she blows that will solve the problem. Two sides of the same coin. What a cycle these two have been in their whole lives. My mom might have some insight into their pattern but all the insight in the world doesnt do a damn bit of good if you keep letting yourself fall back into the behavior.
You successfully put up boundaries with aunt. Congratulations!!! Seems to me you need to do the same with mom's rant and rave about helping aunt.
Did you have a nice vacation?
Curious how they have your number.
If her children don't care that she is either crying for help or crying wolf, I don't see how it's your place to get involved.
She is a master of manipulation, isn't she? She has someone on the line who presumably can get her emergency supplies or help from an agency, but she defaults to running you to ground.
More flying monkeys to do her bidding.
My brother said something recently that stuck out to me. He said when he doesn't want to do something sometimes, he will become such a pain in the rear end that eventually someone will do it for him. That is totally aunt's M.O.! Obviously she knows we don't want anything to do with her, we haven't answered the phone or called in a month. We have told other members of the family that we can't be involved. So she gives my number to a crisis worker to call me? I feel like I have PTSD from this whole situation.
There is actually a term for this: Learned Incompetence (part of passive aggressive behavior).
It's the same when children don't want to do something, they flop on the floor and insist they "don't know how!!! or "I'm too tired!!!" until a parent finally gives in just to stop the whining.
This inbetween land is when I felt the most uneasy.
When I had seen through some FOG, had built some strategies & defences. But like a small boat on the waves, some splashes got over the sides.
While you have done a truly amazing job on your boundaries, found when you gave a helping hand to your Aunt to stop her drowning, she pulled your arm off.. cared not who she drowned in her survival. Your Mom still has FOG & as you stated, she will feel the pull, offer her hand but this includes YOUR hand also.
This also happened to me. Each time help would be offered by someone who had such porous boundaries they could not see I was separate to them. They offered - but expected me to be the help.
I had to keep on clarifying. You may call, visit, help.
But you CANNOT offer MY services or time. That is up to ME.
I can see it now sometimes with DH's side too. Some who act as though their brain has the right to instruct other's bodies - they control some mega-multi armed multi legged being. It's a shock to them when this part over here (me) says no. It's how dare you.
No-one in my life has said this better than a 5 yr old boy I met once;
Well you may want me to do it that way, but I don't. I have my own way. I am a separate person to you & we are allowed to think differently.
Sorry Mom. Help if you want. But I will not be manipulated nor enable.