My husband says he might have to quit his job and move in with his mom?

KD Im with you..... could he take a sabbatical maybe for 3 months? Some firms are really good at allowing this especially in tough times - they don't have a wage to pay but have a really good worker when they improve. He could even offer his services to train others perhaps one day a week for example. Maybe he could write training manuals or offer services on line. Of course if he is not in that sort of business that's going to be a no go area I know... but just in case.

I DID give up work have lost over 300K in income and a lot more in pension plus 50k equity plus plus plus and Mum won't pay out to go to the hairdressers or chiropodist or manicurist nope thats my job as well as a lot more that is too gross to even talk to your hubby about but hell he needs to know.

Is he going to give her the enema when she is constipated? Is he going to keep calm when all hell breaks loose because he forgot to clean the bathroom 3 times today? Is he going to know enough to make sure she has the right food intake nutritionally speaking?

I didn't find this site until it was too late but believe me if I had I wouldn't be doing what I am now and now at 63 I am really too old to start over and if not in reality I am certainly too old in my mind. I am tired worn down and bloody miserable most of the time...H3ll I am turning into my mother!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaargh

Moreover is he going to be able to wash dry and cream her most intimate areas? Seamy not have even considered the emotional fall out this can bring. Have him watch a few you tube videos on bed bathing and watch his face. Can he do this? Just enter how to bed bathe an elderly woman in the youtube search bar and believe me dummies are a bloody sight easier to wash than the real thing!

Jude, you will never turn into your mother, hon.

Rosses, your ideas sound nice. They don't address compassion fatigue, though. It may be nice to donate a few months to helping our parents out. But we know that months turn into 5 years turns into 15 years, and we're still there taking care of someone. It is nearly impossible to keep that type of compassion over a long time period because people are not totally selfless. Having some selfishness in us is not a bad thing. It keeps us from giving all our food and house away and starving on the street.

Ha! That's it. Often the selfless act of caregiving can cause us to give our house and food away. There has to be a balance. Most of the people I know around here have parents in senior communities. Something I wonder is if the parents who do not want to leave their homes when it comes time tend to be the most difficult ones. I would not be surprised at all.

How 'frail' is she? If she shows no signs of dementia, I say leave her to live in her precious house, if she is in her clear mind and determined to do so. It may work out surprisingly well for a few years, until she starts falling down or causes a kitchen fire. You can arrange to have someone in the area (from her church? a neighbor?) check on her a couple times a day, by phone or visit, to make sure she hasn't fallen down the basement stairs. You and husband can go visit on a regular basis and make sure the house is safety-proofed, that it is clean, there is food, and maybe get her a first-alert pendant to wear. There is Meals On Wheels, and they can check up on her a few times a week. If she does break a leg or hip, she will go in the hospital and from there she can go into AL or a NH - or if she goes back home, she will HAVE to have some hired help come in. DO NOT move her in with you, that will be a disaster. DO NOT let your husband 'quit his job' and move in with mom, that will be a MASSIVE disaster from which you and he may never recover, not to mention financially inadvisable. You are told to 'honor your parents', not give up your livelihood and marriage and go move in with them! Whatever is he thinking???

I had a friend who at the time was in her 40's, she quit her job to care for her ex-husband. That is correct, her ex. She was left so far behind, because of the changes in technology, she had a terrible time trying to catch up with the changes and get a job in her early 50's . I love all the help you have received here. Especially, have him look at how to change his mom's diapers. I know my husband, bless his doing all the cooking and food shopping heart, he wouldn't be able to do it for me. So, I have arranged when that time comes, I will move to a "home". We love each other, but that is just not who he is.

Thanks for all the helpful advice. I must say I don't have a lot of experience with this. In my family people just got old and died quickly! One grandmother was bed fast for a year but her daughter was already on welfare so she provided care, along with lots of help from my dad, who lived across the street. Thank you to the person who gave me the acronoym FOG--fear, obligation, guilt. That is MIL to a T. She acts all smiley and like she wants to give you all these things, but what she really wants to do is make you feel obligated. Right now she has plenty of money so her view is she will make up any money my husband would lose. This is complicated by the fact that she is living in an old house her grandparents used lived in. For a Christian who says "this world is not my home" she is awfully attached to that old place. She thinks we should all just move down there and we can take care of her and she can pay all the bills. I already told my husband there is NO WAY I could stomach that. Have you ever been around someone who acts so sweet, but is really a tyrant who pouts and complains if she doesn't get her way? I told my husband a long time ago she is a classic passive agressive! She told me years ago that "when the time comes I want to move to a nursing home down here". She just doesn't think now is the time. She needs to get around with one of those rolling chairs--but she can still swiffer and mop that d##m floor over and over. She doesn't go anywhere except when my husband is there, but "she is fine". We did force her to get one of those medic alert necklaces, but I don't know if she wears it. I know part of the problem is his mom is too demanding and I--well, I hate conflict so I am not demanding at all. Seeing how miserable my mom could make people with her demanding ways cured me of that. I don't know what we will do, but you have all helped me confirm that I am not the crazy one! If he starts talking about moving down there again I am going to direct him to this board. He is a very private person so I know he would not be thrilled I am "airing dirty laundry". Thanks for being a safe place.

Uuuu!
A trial run!
Sounds good to me. Not too drastic. Taking either FMLA OR LOA, depending on the employer.
Go to mom's and see if you, Sir, are cut out for what you seem to think you're going to be doing, say, INDEFINITELY?
Ms. Desperate Wife, please print out the messages you consider best, and share with your husband.
One question. The 3 kids in college. ... what is their opinion/take on what dad is thinking of doing? They see all sides of the equation and may have some valid insights.
M88

no way your husband should quit his job! many knowledgeable people will tell you that you have to protect your own income!

Dear AW, i think probably the most valuable thing we do here is provide what's called consensual validation; letting you know that YOU are not the one with misplaced priorities. Oh, and the "not airing dirty laundry"? That fits right in with the profile you've drawn of your husband's family, doesn't it? Just keep all the troubles inside the closet so we look perfect to the outside world.

About the "she'll just make up the money"....find out about nursing home costs in your area and ascertain if mil has long term care insurance. My mom's nursing home, good but not fancy, costs $15,000 a month. She's been there since October 2013. Despite my parent's frugality, high 6 figure savings and the recent sale of her house, mom will be on medicaid at the end of next year.

There are VERY strict rules about what you can and can do with your money in the 5 years before you apply for Medicaid and your husband at least, should be aware of them. If he decides to quit his job to care for mom, he should have a caregiver contract made up by a lawyer with an hourly compensation rate, respite and vacation provisions. Everything should be spelled out.

It's not " oh, im leaving you the house, so you get to care for me". Medicaid will recoup their monies from the sale of the house.

Perhaps, in addition to visiting the minister, you and your husband should have a sitdown with an eldercare attorny and see what the implications of his plan are for HIS retirement planning.

Oh and yes, make sure he watches the video on disempacting his mom's bowel. It beats the one for creaming her privates.

OK, lets look at this logically. I like what Lassie said. First how about having Mom checked out by her Dr. It sounds like she is depressed and is intentionally creating her own pity party, which is very common. You answered, what most were wondering, about her financial situation; that is apparently set for now. A grief counselor would be an excellent idea so she can express her feelings and deal with them in order to get on with her life. Sounds like she was used to having her husband handle most everything and expects her son to step in and take over. That is not healthy for either her or him. If she is physically and mentally capable to take care of herself then she needs to be told so, probably by a professional. Being told by her son will confrontational at best.
Living in her family home, where she has lived her whole live, is her safety place and has become, understandably, a possessions issue. If she no longer is able to maintain it then she needs to seriously consider a ALF where she can come and go as she pleases and have the security and observation controls which give you the peace of mind you need. His mother has to live with the decisions she makes without intruding on her son's lives and future's unnecessarily. Insisting "It's her turn" is selfish at best and is not set in concrete in any modern culture. He can tell her he is willing to help in any way but taking over his life and well being is not part of the deal. That is something he will regret and resent her for in the future. Been there done that.

My mother's nursing home expense was at $410/day! Her AL was affordable ONLY TO A MILLIONAIRE!

My mom is in Assisted Living, which is $5000/month plus another $2000/month for a private aide. Nursing Home, which she might have to go into after her rehab stint from a stroke, is $450/day.....that plus cutting back a bit on her aide who she has had for 5 years and we would keep makes it about $15000/month. Put in yearly terms, AL = $84,000; NH = $180,000! Yikes!

Hello? Test

Here is a realty check. Yes, husband should quit his job.
He should go alone to live with his mother.
On his way out the door, ( or just before quitting his job)...he should definitely sign a quit claim deed over to you for the house you both own outright, by now.
Because you are christains, there won't be a divorce, but you will be left to struggle on your own. Financial planning is in order. imo.

Mom should rent out rooms, then hire one of those fine young persons to do some caregiving.

My heart is sick reading this. Some people think yes, hubby should abandon his wife to go care for mom, effectively terminating his marriage and his career, for a totally unknown length of time, maybe years. NOT because Mom NEEDS him to, but because she WANTS him to and is VOLUNTARILY rejecting other options. This is nothing less than child-eating on the part of the mom, and letting guilt take over rational thought on the part of the husband. No psychologically healthy, decent parent who successfully launches a child into independent adulthood, with all the struggle and work that entails, should rationally even be considering this kind of demand to take it all back, just to keep them in their comfort zone in their later years.

Giving hands on care to a parent and making the sacrifices that entails when it is really needed, and really a gift of love, can be a blessing, even if it is not easy. But this is NOT that at all - it is a man being sucked away from his whole life by guilt-tripping manipulation.

As has already been pointed out, Christianity requires caring for and honoring parents, and providing support for widows, but in the context of cleaving to the new family made in marriage, and in faithfulness with the whole community - not solo!! One person does not have the right to turn the call to filial duty into blanket permission to deliberately consume another person's entire substance.

Amen and amen, Vstefans.

Very well said, vstefans . My mother would have tried that - with the $$$ carrot and all if she thought it would work. She did try it in minor ways. I refused to consider any of it, but I did and still do, as daughter, POA and personal agent look after her finances, her best interests in all ways and see that she has as good care as is available. She is narcissistic and has Borderline Personality Disorder so the world revolves around her - or so she thinks. But I don't have to enable that - in fact, it is not healthy to.

No mentally/emotionally healthy parent would ask a child to give up a marriage and a job to care for them. This lady - the mother - either is full blown narcissistic and has been all along, which I suspect or the son would not be even considering it, or has developed narcissism along with some dementia.

To anxious wife's husband - it is OK to say "No" to a narcissistic parent, in fact it is necessary for your well being and that of your family, meaning your wife and children.

There are alternatives to proper care. Look into them.

Where is the husband's responsibility in all this, and what was he thinking? Why would he present it to his wife in those words?
It is the wife left with the anxiety after telling her he may be leaving her.
Something is terribly wrong with this picture that he would be considering this. The mother is narcissistic-so does the husband get a pass on responsibility because of that? He should stand up and be a man.
I think I can say this because my husband stood strong and doesn't want to help his narc mom-it was me who was pushing him to help. Turns out she is surviving nicely using other people to get her needs met and to get her way. He and his brother know her better after all these years, and have learned to detach. It is a good thing for her to remain independent for as long as possible, because she is way past ripe for something like institutional living if any one person knew the whole story. I was almost a casualty of her, until I read especially what Cmagnum and Jessebelle had posted over the past year. She is in no immediate danger, has a caregiver, and I told her we would be there for her if ever she is ready for assisted living. We could not assist her at all to continue on her current path.
We just could not possibly do that.

I say DO NOT let your husband quit his job. If someone is POA use her money and hire help or go to the department of aging in out county if she can't afford it. There are public programs that could offer support if she has low income to stay at home. I agree with the others, she needs to feel uncomfortable.

Anxiouswife,

I hope that you are still reading this thread.

Parents who are master manipulators like his mother groomed their adult children from childhood to jump and obey because of their emotional blackmail which is what Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) are. Look up emotional blackmail on this site for more information. It sounds like the FOG is strong with this one. Foggy parents and parents-in-law are difficult to deal with. Thus, the importance of boundaries and detachment.

Such grooming is very hard to say no to and takes a lot of effort and very often takes therapy to get fully free, but it can be done.

Please read vstefans response several times. She articulates perfectly what many of us feel about this situation!

I strongly agree that you should not give up everything to move in with your mom from what you described. As someone here mentioned it would not be very beneficial, especially knowing today's cost-of-living. What I would do is give him the ultimatum as much as I hate to have to say this, make him choose between you and his mom. I would not let him spend a dime of his money on her because his money is really meant to help support his own household. If she needs in-home healthcare, make her or her insurance pay for it.

I had an elderly friend who also tried to get me to give up everything and move in with him. He had his hopes up so high that he was actually starting to believe that I already live there when I already had my own home and my own life. I had to constantly remind him of this for a while until it clicked that I wasn't moving in with him. When you're under a rental contract and on section 8, especially if you've been in the same spot for many years, there's no way you're going to give that up if you're in a good location and a good set up with everything going pretty good for you. I have a much bigger and better place than he did, and there's no way I was going to fall for it. Had I fallen for it, it would've definitely screwed up everything for me, and I was definitely not going to have it. One person here mentioned leave and cleave. A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, God said so. I strongly agree with not falling for a life of poverty, because what's he going to do when one day his mom dies and is no longer there? Yeah, now you're getting smarter! He may choose to live with his mom now and give up everything, but he's not thinking ahead like he should, because she's not always going to be here. If he gives up his job now and has nothing coming in, what if she lives a while and he becomes what's considered as "damaged goods" for being out of the workforce for too long, and he has a hard time finding a job later? Too many people have complained about this, because too many people who have applied for jobs were out of the job market for a long enough to be considered "damaged goods" to the point no one will hire them. Yes, many people share this nightmare. Saving for retirement was also mentioned, and I strongly agree. What's going to happen if his mom has little or no money to support them both and he gives up his job, something happens and they both end up homeless? Yes, this can definitely happen because he could be living either in his car or under a bridge somewhere and begging for money just to get by. Meanwhile, until his mom is put into a nursing home where she belongs, she will also be living with her son in the street if something happens and they're rendered homeless for some reason. If you've got no money to rent an apartment, there's rental assistance programs, but depending on how they're set up you may also have to pay out a certain amount from your income. No landlord will rent to someone with no money, it's a business, and businesses need money to stay open. I would hate to see this man act on a bad decision that will blackball him later. I currently know someone right now who is living with his mom much of his adult life. What what's hard is when he kept facing layoffs, companies shutting down and getting fired for not being fast enough. He lost two vehicles and his moms house was foreclosed on. They eventually move into a house belonging to what would turn out to be a slumlord, only to move out when the city eventually condemned the place. Not having a job or even a savings plan backfired on him because he had a hard time getting employment due to some type of disability we cannot get him help for. Right now he's living with his sister, and I'm not sure how long that'll last because his sister wants him out. He has nowhere to go if he's put out. He was denied disability after numerous doctors appointments but what they fail to realize is that he's kind of slow. Until his mom ended up in a nursing home, she also lived with her daughter at her camper. Two big health scares landed her in a nursing home. When my friend cashed out his annuity, he could've used some of the money to rent an apartment and even get a car, but sadly neither one of lasted very long because he still unemployed with no other income. Right now he must depend on the kindness of others, in other words he's living off of others because he cannot get a job or any other type of help. This is why he needs a disability lawyer who is better equipped to help him and than I am. I can only do so much, someone else will have to take over.

You didn't say how old your husband and MIL were. Your husband needs his job---and they're not always easy to come by--especially a good one!! You guys are going to outlive her(hopefully) so you need to take care of your own needs for now and in the future! Sounds like she may need some type of assisted living or nursing home care closer to your home! Don't be giving up your job---then you'll have two problems to work out. Which doesn't fix anything.

Again, thanks for all the kind answers. My MIL, from what I can learn from my husband, and from 23 years experience, has always been a master manipulator. In fact, my husband told me before we married that he lived over two hours away because if he didn't he knew she would interfere in his life. When I see Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond, I think, yep, that's my MIL. Smiley, with the little digs all the time, and a boy who doesn't like it, but kind too spineless to stand up to it. MIL saves all the chores for my husband, telling the people at church she is "fine", doesn't need anything, but when my husband goes down for the weekend is ready with a list. I'd just like to tell her off but she is a mean so and so for all her "Christianity" and would cut off my husband and then spend the rest of her life telling everyone how I turned her precious baby against her. Sometimes I just fume thinking about it. When my kids were little she expected me to let her keep them all the time, to "help me out." My kids were always monsters for a few days after spending time with her, and I finally told her the kids weren't coming by themselves ever again if she didn't knock it off. Believe me, I am sick of trying to make her like me. You are all right, she has spent a lifetime spinning her web and it is hard for my husband to see where his duty is. I told him last week that I wanted him to start looking for another way because the thought him moving down there is making me physically ill. I hate to put pressure on him, but I guess it's time. I think I'd better stop writing now, but I do appreciate all your responses. They are great.

Oh, and to people who asked, my husband is 57 and MIL is 77.

OMG that is young!! I am 57 and can't imagine giving up my job and benefits at this time.. I want to be able to retire someday! Good luck with this!

Let her cut off your husband! Don't worry about pressure for you are talking about your marriage, your family and your life being totally impacted by what he decides to do. Stopping work at 57 is not smart. As I learned with my wife and as she learned geographical distance does not overcome emotional enmeshment from such grooming. It took some time with a therapist, me setting some boundaries and her seeing her mom abuse the boys verbally just like her mom had done to her as a child to wake up and say enough is enough. I'm not sure a minster is going to be enough. I think you two need to see a therapist together to get a trained 3rd person, objective input for they see this stuff all the time. Also, a therapist could give you two some guidance in all of this. No disrespect for ministers, but they are not often trained to deal with such boundary issues.

I'm sorry to say this but I would be very upset that he was even considering the idea of quitting his job. This is putting everyone but mom in jeopardy which is not right

Also, I would guess that your feeling physically sick is due to keeping things more on the inside walking on eggshells that openly but not harshly telling him your real feelings. In other words, it is like your body is responding to your emotions that need to come out. .

I pray and hope the best for you two and your family.

Anxious Wife,
Just glad you are posting.
It's healing, and everyone is trying to help THE THREE of you.
Yup, MIL too.
What do your children say?
M88

If you realize this, he's actually being very selfish by not thinking of the rest of his household and the financial stability required to actually keep the household and the shelter in which you live. I don't think he's thinking of you and your kids (if any)