I've been helping my 97 year old mother-in-law for 14 years now. She lives across the street and things are rapidly deteriorating concerning her health, my health(Lupus attack, anxiety) and my marriage. Things started out ok but in the past few years rapidly deteriorating. We got a little outside help last fall, 4 hours a day, 3 days a week......that happened only after I left to help with my own Mom( Alzheimers) and dumped everything in my husband's lap concerning his Mom. With my mother-in-laws failing health the agency is asking me to step up more........they know my husband isn't( I think or does everyone think it is a women's responsibility).......we are trying to get help up to 5 days a week...4 hours a day.......the agency just told me they found a second person...thank-God. Our 2 daughters both adults with busy lives are going to try to help out with calling Nana weekly....she is extremely lonely. Our son (local adult) over seeing things when we are gone for the occassional break... which he is doing and stopping in for weekly visit as well. Our biggest problem is my MIL and my husband have always had a very disfunctional relationship, and my kids are reminding me to try to be more understanding because of that. She has turned on me now too, so unfortunately neither of us what to be around her, she is also more short with her Grandkids too. Her Aide is very nice but doesn't see the entire picture. I go over at times when the aide is with her(to exchange info on how MIL is doing...my husband has only talked I believe once when I was out of town) and my MIL will be sweet as can be to me... but by myself...can be brutal. My husband avoids her because of her nasyiness to him. My girls were calling more but cut back to once or twice a month because angry and short with them too and not real happy with her Grandson now either. The only person that seems to make her happy is her aide. She has gotten nasty with neighbors too. My MIL is very angry with us and her life(feels we can do more and she would be happy)....she feels it is our responsibility to take care of her. Some of my concerns with my MIL are: not bathing(does a sponge bath), dirty hair, staying in her PJs day after day, eatting poorly, can't reason with her(my son and son-in-laws wanted to bring a bed downstairs this weekend so she would be near the only bathroom in her house....she refused saying I don't want anything in my house moved), she is now sleeping on a loveseat.....her bedroom is upstairs(she still goes up at times), she has short term memory loss, messing up medications, unsteady gait...I could go on and on. She is an accident waiting to happen. She does not want to go to Assisted Living where I think she could still qualify...my kids think that's where she needs to be my husband wants her to stay in her home...I think another avoidance of confrontation with his Mom. On top of all this I've been dealing with my Mom(Alzheimers, way worse just had to leave Assisted Living and is now in NH) I'm losing my Mom and want.... need to be with her more(siblings helping out there). The last time(about 5 weeks ago while in seeing my Mom)...as my husband said all hell broke out here(I was gone and unknowing to us the aide needed to take a week off and my mother-in-law would take no other help)....this all developed after I had left. My husband had to take his Mom to the ER( a full day of work he missed..luckily our son works with him and did the work of both)...she thought she was dying....constipation was the diagnosis......and she has been overdosing on stool softeners ever since. Basically I feel like I'm losing my sanity, health and marriage. I still love my husband and things are ok with us as long as his mother(the Elephant in the closet as our kids say) isn't bought up to him. She wants to stay in her home until she dies...she is in generally good health(her organs..heart,etc holding up well...mind definitely starting to go and her MD sees her as living to 100 as a good possibility.....he has told me just to hang in there......my husband and him are friends and not sure my husband is honest with what is happening.......my kids this weekend told their Dad he needs to tell the MD what is going on. What should I (we)do? I'm afraid and feel guilty something horrible will happen and can we be found negligent? Money is not a problem......she could be in the best Assisted Living or Nursing Home? She does not want to spend her money...I have cleaning help lined up...won't take it but complains how her back hurts from trying to clean and complains she can't stand how dirty her house is...I won't clean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm trying to help with meals, do the MD appointments and emergencies and sociallize with her as tolerated. I'm 61 and my husband is 64......our friends and our kids think he just keeps himself as busy as he can so he doesn't have to deal with his Mom. His Dad(deceased) was the buffer for him.
Giving you prayers and hugs.
You might want to try marriage counseling. Seriously, just the idea of trying to add one more thing to your schedule probably sounds like a lousy idea, but maybe just asking would help hubby to realize it is more serious than he would like to admit and can't just be allowed to take its course. It sounds like grandkids are on "your" (the rational) side and maybe they could be gathered up for a family meeting, orchestrated like an intervention where everyone talks about the elephant in the room and hubby more or less has to listen instead of just avoiding reality.
As far as being afraid of being turned in for neglect, its not likely, as way too many elders do exactly as your mom does and stop at nothing to stay in control, even living worse than a homeless person on the street so they don't have to admit they can't manage any more. The powers that be realize this and the system is very much biased so that no one loses the right to make their own decisions until their legal incompetence is beyond question, which of course is sometimes way too late. You would have the option to call in Adult Protective Services, and the option to call MILs physician with what you know about how she is living, and how your husband is just not wanting not able to cope, and appeal to him as his friend to let him know that there are alternatives to just letting her deteriorate in place that can possibly be undertaken, and need to be...I would also tell the agency people about your own mom, in case they don't realize there is only one of you, and ask them point-blank if they think it is time for someone to step in and get guardianship of MIL.
Sorry you are in this spot with this and your own mom too!