Husband's mother was recently diagnosed with dementia and wants him to move in with her. Any advice?

She may have an undiagnosed mental health issue. Better for her to get evaluated and treated by her primary care doctor, a neurologist, and a geriatric psychiatrist.

Without harshness it is time to give hubby an ultimatum.His first loyalty is to his wife. His mom had opportunity to have a man in her life and chose not to either by negleting her personal life or living under the delusion that her son owes her his life. (somewhere along the way she was either widowed , abandoned or never lived with his dad.) If my hubs moved in with his mom in our 30's I would have stayed behind (divorce material there). No way. My husband tried to have me move in with his mom and brother to save money. I told him he was not ready to marry so forget it. That was 29 years ago. He made 50 grand a year in 90's. We are still married and his 96 yr old mom lived with us for 10 months and was recently placed in memory care. She is 97 and still ticking. You never know how long she will live and who wants to hope she goes soon?

Wow! Ask him what his expectations are for you and your marriage. It appears that she only wants him there and not you. Are you OK with that? This is straight out disrespectful and manipulation on his mother’s part. Talk to him about finding placement for her. This is hard work and I doubt if he can care for her full time and work. Time for counseling and maybe an Elder Attorney to get him to see the light.

Point out to your husband that he cannot provide 24/7 care indefinitely for the mother who by diagnosis cannot make safe competent decisions. Of course she is going to resist placement into a facility, but for her safety and long term care needs and the health of your husband, you and your marriage , this should be the next step unless the funding is there to pay for 24/7 in home care for her.
The husband should not be guilt tripped and coerced by incompetent mother .
Seek counseling for you both to support needed decisions.

How will she allow him to leave the house daily and go to his job?

LosingHopeHere: The absurdity of your DH (Dear Husband's) proposed solution to his "needy" mother is flawed from the get go. She doesn't get to decide this as she is already refusing to take medication to help herself, is paranoid and does not want to enter a managed care facility, i.e. anyone with that mindset cannot possibly be in charge of ideology. Dear Husband has not given much thought to Dear Wife; if perchance he had, he might ponder 'how will this idea affect my spouse?'

My response (Marylu) was attributed to LaDeGo) No problem, but whoever LaDeGo might not like being associated with my brutal "solution"?

I’ve been down this road and I will tell you how it played out for me.

Mother with granny flat in our yard. And key to our house. As her dementia worsened, she progressed from “visiting” 3-6 hours per day between 9am and 9pm, to demanding more attention, to demanding attention whenever she wanted, whether it was 2am, 6am, noon, dinner time, or whenever, until she demanded that I leave my husband and children to move in with her. She said we were to be together, 24/7, or else. She stopped eating and drinking unless I complied. I became her hostage. But she still talked a good game to anyone else. The moment she wrote a suicide letter, and made another attempt, I phoned EMS and she was taken away for an evaluation. That’s how I got her placed.

That is your husband’s future.

BTW, my mother is still very much alive at 97.

No! He shouldn’t live with his mom. Nor should you. She can be cared for by a professional staff at a facility or an experienced qualified private caregiver at her home.

Have your husband read some of the stories on this site and see if he still thinks it's a good idea to bring her into your home. He may wake up and smell the coffee.

Your Mother-in-law has been diagnosed with dementia, that means she no longer gets to make ANY major decisions. Her brain is broken, she is delusional and paranoid. Why would you let someone with that mental capacity make any decision that affects your family so drastically!

So it doesn’t matter what she wants. What matters now is what she needs. Anyone delusional and paranoid cannot live alone, it’s not safe. And she certainly doesn’t get to move into your home and inflict that onto your children. Your husband also can’t move in and help her.

Is your husband a medical professional? Because that’s what she needs, at this point in her life. She needs 24/7 care, not someone who leaves to go to work (because she can’t be left alone). She needs a structured environment, with medical staff who can control her delusions and paranoia. Her health needs are now beyond what you and/or your husband can give her in a home environment.

She won’t like it, she’ll pitch a fit because everyone does. That’s ok, it’s where she needs to be to get the help and care she now needs.

The person with dementia should not be driving the bus.

Your MIL should be consulted about what choice she would make among living situations that are ON OFFER. No one gets to choose where your DH lives except him.

I am going to be brutally honest with you: Your MIL is asking your husband to give up his marriage to take care of her. As someone who has cared for family members with dementia, I know how insidious this situation can be. The LO's needs gradually increase and before you know it, their needs are all consuming. Your marriage WILL come second and has a very high potential of ending.

If you have children, then your children absolutely need your husband more than your MIL needs him to live with her. There are many mental health issues in young adults associated with abandonment by a parent. And, yes, your husband is abandoning his children by living with mom. Your MIL can have a happy life living in an AL that cares for residents with memory needs. I cared for my parents at home with a young daughter. My daughter kept coming in second because of the safety needs of my parents. As hard as I tried to do the right things for my daughter, my parent's needs ALWAYS interfered. Five years after my Dad passed away, I moved Mom into a care home. It took some adjustment, but she really enjoyed being around her peers.

I highly recommend that you and your husband get counseling before making a decision. Your husband is in a tough situation trying to meet the opposing needs of the people he loves.

How about a group meeting with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can mediate, educate medicate. Also, you and hubby need to meet with an Elder Law Attorney who can keep you two informed, so that you have a real clear picture of who you're married to and if there is a wise way to keep your marriage together.

Couple's therapy could help immensely.

Don't even think about it! And don't kindly suggest! Demand. Yours is a ridiculous situation and she needs other care and you need to have a life. Your husband is probably not equipped to care for her anyway. You need some legal advice, e.g., power of attorney and help from a physician who knows her and can make the diagnosis, to start with.

To LightnLife, you are an extraordinary person. Seems you have already raised a bunch of kids and now Grands and caring for a Mom far from Husband and family. It seems to be working for now...but, your are sacrificing your life for one person. You have split up siblings for one person. A person who little by little you are losing. Why can't you move Mom and the girls back home, to your husband. He should be #1. Everyone else is part of your life.

I say this because you never know what life is going to throw at you. A friend, in her 50s, just lost a husband to a heart attack. They were getting ready to go out, he walked into the living room and had a heart attack that killed him. And you, as Mom gets worse its going to be 24/7 care. How can u do that with 3 minor children to care for who need a parent. There does come a time when trying to transport a person suffering from Dementia is very very hard. Incontinence being the main problem. Don't wait till too late.

You and your husband have been more than generous and loving in taking your MIL into your home for 10 years. And that you are willing to take her back is amazing.
She will only decline further until her care completely consumes both of you. Best to get her into a facility near you where you can visit lovingly and others — a team — can deal with the day to day care, which will continue to require more and more effort. And the sooner the better for her to get adjusted and create her own life there. Your husband does not owe her his. And saying “no” to completely unreasonable selfish demands—seemingly designed to sideline you—does not mean he is not a loving son. He obviously is. He could probably use some brief counseling to help him get clarity on the situation from a neutral party.
It occurs to me the above is about your husband’s choices. But he has not written to us. You have. And you only have control over what you do. I would focus on that. Know what you can and cannot do and lovingly tell your husband. The rest will be up to him.
Wishing you the future you and your husband deserve.

When my dad was on hospice last fall,, he knew my mom had something the matter. He told me only that things were going to be difficult for us with my mom. I knew in the summer that this is what we would be doing...and by we, I mean my husband and myself as we had made arrangements to move back to my childhood home and take care of my mom. What happened was this: I remained here after my dad's services and my husband took our 5 grandchildren back to our home state awaiting the new year and their parent receiving them back in their custody (it was supposed to be temporary for us having them). Today, it has been a bit over a year, we have full custody of our grandchildren, and I live here with my granddaughter and our youngest daughter(17), and my mom who has obvious signs of dementia (awaiting the actual diagnosis from the 2nd of 2 neuropsych evals in a 10 month span) My husband lives back east with our grandsons. Knowing nothing of dementia and not knowing how all this worked, we did this thing and have learned so many lessons. I gave up a dream career back home where I was excelling and was in directorship over a huge grant project for a non profit and I've gone back to graduate school online and I work a great paying part time position to keep up with my professional license. The girls are in an amazing charter school and the boys are all at home in our amazing rural school system and my husband has been promoted...so, we are keeping the status quo because it is working for our family and at the foundation of our purpose it is working for my mom.
My 2 siblings and my Aunt are all involved in some capacity of support in the situation. There are plans in place that were considered with both of my parents before my dad passed away and we are working to that goal and taking things as we can bc medical tx is important and it is important to finish all we can here with doctors my mom trusts. (As much as she trusts anyone...)
Alot has happened in the last 18 months and while I'm no expert on my mom's illness, I am 100x's moreso than when we embarked on this adventure. There is no homehealth care where we live to speak of, and it is a shame. It is a very rural state and care is expensive. She does well for short periods of time on her own and ADT is an amazing tool.
My husband has been here to visit with the boys 4 times in the past year and we went home 2 times. So much is different but we are making it work. We didn't ask for any of these life changes but to us, we met the challenges our parents faced with love and the support we have been able to put forth and it was our choice to bless my parents this way. It isn't easy, as my dad mentioned it wouldn't be. I've seen my mom be frustrated with losing different freedoms and not understanding some changes in her life because her dementia won't allow her brain to understand or recall different, important things. l have learned I take my memory and brain function for granted and have learned to simply be present with her for like I hope will be done for me if I face this one day. We have had 3 grandbaby girls born back home in the last year. I miss our other 7 children and their growing families of 8 other grandbabies immensely. There really are no good words to describe the loss we feel not being together as it was and will be again.
I wrote this because someone may gain something from this brief description of what we have made out of a situation noone knew would come along. We could have placed mom in a home but that's not where our hearts are. Difficulties come and go. Watching my mom's face light up at the various parts of the deer herd that stop in her back yard, or the bunnies... so sweet. Watching her stand and ponder what memories may come and go as she looks out her north window at this mountain my parents raised us on and know she feels at peace in the home she and our dad made with their love for us is beyond words. It is in that where I find my peace.

She is a controlling narcissist and cares not for her son's happiness, just that SHE has someone to care for her. Be clear to your husband your marriage may not survive his moving in with his mom. I'm sorry to be so harsh. My mom is the same, she is here by default. It is not going well.

Divorce. There I said it... you were all thinking it...

Nooooooo do not move in together, regardless of residences. Reach out to her MD and local office of the aging. No doubt they have experience with families managing this chapter and will offer options. Wishing you the very best of luck as you move forward.

Perhaps when she lived with you the first ten years, she was hoping you’d get tired of her being there and leave so she could have her son to herself. I say this because you indicate she won’t move back in with you again but instead wants her son to move in with her…without you. Just a thought that occurred to me after reading your info.

Whether you bring in aides to help her or put her in a memory care facility, the cost of care is outrageously expensive. Does she have the funds or some type of insurance that will cover the cost of providing care? Would your MIL qualify for Medicaid? When I had to find caregivers for my mom, I found the range to be $32-$50 an hour and this is not for a CNA. They also don’t touch meds, can only remind a person to take them. These are things you need to know about. Contact your local Department of Aging for more info.

Divine Intervention. You have to put it in the universe and pray very hard. Sons love ❤️ their mothers. But he made a choice to marry you. You have to continue to work on him. He is going to need you.

If your husband moves in with his mother, you might not see him until he's in his 50s.

You are both in your 30s. This disease can last for 20 years, or longer. Just be prepared for this to go on for a long time!

You had her for almost 10 yrs! Most of your marriage. God love you.
You may just have to let him go. He must also understand, that he cannot quit his job because he has financial responsibilities to you that need to be met. Just make him realize that the care of his Mom is all on him. If he quits his job to care for her, your job will not support him and you to.

Really, how well has this marriage gone with Mom living there. You get your ducks in a row. Don't lose what you have worked for because of her. But also, don't hold on to what you cannot afford to keep. If he picks Mom over you, then I would count the marriage over. If he is moving in hoping to get her care or get her into Longterm care, there maybe hope for your marriage. Take it slowly for now and see where things go.

Diane’s previous post about ‘setting a time frame’ could be a reasonable middle ground. DH moves in with MIL for a month. Then you all talk it through again. Only he DOESN”T quit his job during the month, so all the options stay open. At the end of the time, if DH hasn’t worked out that it isn’t the best idea for any of you, that’s the time to come down heavy with the ‘her or me’ choice!

Might have that conversation at her doctor’s office with the three of you. Your MIL’s provider could get the whole picture and provide clear recommendations/ good luck

Since when does an elderly mother get to call the shots on her grown, adult son's LIFE by stating her 'demands' and what she 'will and will not do' via 'refusing' this that and the other thing? Choices have consequences, as your MIL knows fully. Yet she's 'refusing' to take medication to calm down her anxiety so her 'demand' that sonny boy move in becomes more credible? She's willing to destroy HIS marriage all in an effort to say "No I won't take calming meds to help me"?? Come on, have we all jumped down the rabbit hole here? At least SHE has dementia, what's hubby's excuse? And that your DH is honestly wanting to move in with her due to ABSURD demands of this nature is mind boggling to me. Has he ever said NO to his mother? Has he ever said, "Gee this sounds absolutely ridiculous to me and therefore, I won't entertain the idea."? Or, does he just run off, willy nilly, meeting his mother's demands no matter HOW ludicrous they are? What if next she wants him to quit his job so he can be her 24/7 caretaker? Then move his bed into her room b/c she's 'scared to be alone at night'? Where does it end? Where does an adult man draw the line with his parents in favor of saving his own marriage?

THAT is the question to pose to your husband and see what the answer is. That answer will determine the future of your marriage.

I hope he has the right answer and your marriage stays on track.

Your husband should know what dementia looks like and how it progresses; what he's in for moving forward, also. For him to believe he alone can be the answer to his mother's future care is to suggest he has no idea what he's in for. Literally.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

Insist that DH read this brief article and then see what he has to say. I had my mother in Memory Care AL for 3 years when her dementia became moderate; best idea ever. Why? B/c she had doctors and nurses ON SITE to treat her for whatever issue arose on the SPOT (including the infamous UTIs that she had ONCE in all the 7 years she was living in managed care!). Caregivers working 24/7 in shifts to accomplish what your DH thinks he can do alone, while working a full time job? It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

Best of luck.

losthopehere, welcome to the forum. If your Mom-in-law is hallucinating and paranoid, time for her to have an Urinary Tract Infection test. This test can be done at her primary doctor office or even at urgent care. Such an infection can cause all types of strange behaviors. Antibiotics are used to cure the UTI.

You simply have to stand your ground here and give him the choice: You, his wife, or his aging, demented mother who actually requires 24/7 Memory Care.

You've already given 10 yrs of your marriage to his needy mother and enough is enough. If he does choose her and her needs over yours, then you've no true marriage and you need to read the writing on the wall.

I'm sorry for your marriage if he chooses life with mother over having a married life with you, but many marriages fail and in your 30s, you can start over again. You very likely need time to heal and recover from the low scale trauma of 10 yrs given to his aging mother, but you can be whole again, all on your own.

If he decides mother over marriage, serve him with divorce papers to make it formal and move on.

You deserve to be loved and cherished, not set aside for a demented, needy elder.