We are in our 30s and until recently, my MIL lived with my husband and I for a little less than ten years. It was supposed to be temporary, but over time, it was clear she wasn't leaving. She recently moved out for a short period of time, during which she began showing signs of dementia. She is hallucinating and paranoid. She has always been extremely needy and demanding of my husband's time, but she now says that she needs him there with her all of the time because she's paranoid. But she will not take anxiety medication. She will not enter long-term care and will not move in with my husband and me. My husband is contemplating moving to her place. As I said, we are in our 30s, need to work, and have our own lives too. She is newly diagnosed and this could go on for years. How do I kindly suggest that bringing in care is the better solution than him moving in with her indefinitely?
Another approach to consider, maybe.
A male friend went through this. Wife moved in with her Mother. It was supposed to be just rehab support after hosptial, but blew out to months, declining steadily. He's a patient man. Said I'll wait a few months - then we must reassess & get a longer term plan for your Mother. She passed away & they were pleased they did what they did.
However, the life limiting but not immenently terminal nature of dementia is a very different kettle of fish. It is not working during the day & just being there to make the dinner & tuck into bed. It becomes 24/7 supervision, assistance & then full nursing care. It can be YEARS.
Find a good time to discuss this with your husband. What does he know about Dementia? What kind of support he could give *realistically*. Then match it with what MIL needs. There will be a gap. That gap will keep widening. It needs to be filled with others besides him. A village of helpers.
Honestly, some would-be Supermen do need to go live it to learn it. If this is your man - hand him his cape. Call it Plan A. (I've heard it called *trial of care* by Social Workers).
This option allows your husband to really feel & KNOW he did all he could for Plan A. (Rather than being told by you or pressure from you not to go). Then he moves on to Plan B...
It can be messy, expensive & extremely stressful. But it's another option to consider if you want.
You are young and can NOT get sucked in to this! No way.
He needs to say "sorry, mom, I couldn't possible do that." He does not need to explain reasons. Just no.
What he can do is help her get the help she needs. She doesn't have to like it. That's ok. But she is not allowed to ruin your lives and your marriage. Unless he allows it then, it is what it is.
If she can afford around the clock care, great. Sign her up. Otherwise, she should be in some kind of facility. Assisted living? Memory care? Nursing home? IDK for sure but they will evaluate her to see what is appropriate. Especially places that have all 3 levels of care available, will eval and decide where she fits.
Again, she doesn't have to like it. And you hubby needs to toughen up and accept that mom is going to fight this BUT it is for the best for all 3 of you.
What kind of marriage is that? He can't handle alone what you are describing. Managing the kind of care she needs at home is not realistic in this situation. Have an intervention with both of you and her doctor in attendance. All of you tell her that she needs memory care. She cries and weeps and wails and threatens, but you all stand firm. You cannot let a demented person (i.e., out-of-her-mind sick old lady) run your lives, ruin your marriage and tell everyone what to do. You're not doing her any favors by prolonging this. She needs help. Now. Good luck with this sad state of affairs, I'm very sorry you are dealing with it.
* Husband will never move in with his Mother *
If he does, he ceases being a HUSBAND. He will be his Mother's man-servant.
We can backtrack later with tips how to have him to join the dots to get his thinking there.
First step could be to back off for a while and ask APS for a check. Is she capable of living alone?
You and your husband both have 10 years experience of doing what M wants and getting it wrong. It’s time to back off and leave assessments to people who will get it right!
As a paid caregiver, even though I'm supposed to be professional about it, but overly needy individuals drive me nuts. I'm looking for jobs outside of the field and may probably go back to one or two weekends a month if need be for my own sanity. My savings is dwindling since I've been on sick leave, but I'm still up in the air about being responsible for another individual.
Don't give up your home, finances, or security. You are going to need your job security and your home should be your's to come home to without worrying about someone who will be a burden to you.
I'm always sad to hear of anyone leaving the healthcare field as so many have in this post-Covid world. I do hope that you continue your CEUs and retain your licensure/certification because you are so very much in need.
I started as a CNA and then went for my RN and loved working in the field. Oddly, the very needy and demanding pts were among my favorites, maybe because I took it as a challenge to anticipate every need and try to stay a step or two ahead of the demands.
Anyways, know that you're needed and that if you remain in the field, you stand to make increasing earnings as the shortages become more acute. You might also consider talking to HR at any hospital and get signed up for them to pay for your RN schooling in exchange for their paying your RN tuition while working for them and a contract to stay on for 2-3 years as an RN.
Things have reached that critical level where you hold some cards that could lead to professional licensure and an actual living wage that one can comfortably raise a family on. And as an RN, you have so much more say in the care of your patients. Anyways, as a retired RN who loved the job and the many people and families I cared for, I hope that you consider staying in and moving up in the healthcare field.
Best -
That does not equate to doing it all himself, however. How is Mom going to be safe and cared for when he works all day -- by caregivers, I assume? Well, if that's the solution, then we get caregivers 24 hours a day, notjust during the day, because Hubs has to recharge for work the next day, not to mention to the obvious point that he has a wife and his own home to go to.
Now, in-home caregivers are insanely expensive and frankly, unreliable and not great with dementia patients in general, so let's get practical here. Memory care will enable her to live where she's not looked upon as a "sick person," but rather where she'll have attention geared to cognitive stimulation for her. They will be there 24/7, they will deal with her medical issues as they arise, but activities, conversation, and stimulating music are the primary focus in Memory Care. It's actually quite refreshing to visit one and to see how unlike a traditional nursing home they really are.
Because of her cognitive issues, Mom no longer gets to make the decisions here, and it's time for her son to switch roles with her and be the gentle yet firm decisionmaker now.
I hardly think this situation is leading to divorce and red flags quite yet, but like most men, it sounds like your husband just wants to fix the issue himself rather than research the BEST remedy instead of the quickest one. At best, he's proposing a Band-aid solution that'll fall apart within weeks, if not sooner.
If he moves in with her, he has made it clear who his priority is and it is not you.
You are too young to be involved with all her craziness, she could live another 20+ years and you will have wasted your life on two people who could care less about you and your happiness or marriage for that matter.
The red flags are waving right in your face, pay attention.