The guilt is because I am just unable to do everything she needs. She refuses to live in AL. She cant cook, bathe, or shop without help. She had been living in her own home with my disabled great uncle but after her third fall she was moved first to rehab then a long term care facility. My uncle went to a home for the blind. The issue is she calls me every day telling me she hates it and wants to go home. She is not physically or mentally capable of living alone, I explained to her that we need to get her full time care if she is to live at home. She says she can take care of herself until that happens, but she can't even manage to assist with the process of getting her help (or anything such as paying her bills or shopping), and I keep telling her I don't feel comfortable taking her home myself and leaving her alone. She yells at me and says "I can just leave whenever".... I am her medical POA but I have not stopped her from doing such a thing - my thought is she can't even manage calling a cab for herself to get home then I'm in the right waiting to bring her home until we have help setup. She's starting to treat me badly and has treated everyone around her like crap. He bf expects me to help as well and because he told me he is putting me as his heir in his will it seems he thinks that means I have to take care of him too. I haven't minded helping out (was doing that before the will came up) and have repeatedly told him I did not ask to be put in the will and that I can only do so much. It's especially hard to care for him, he is a bigot and I cannot stand his attitude, I find myself putting the phone down and letting him rant for 10-20min and I just pick up when I hear him call my name for a response.
Part of me is just venting, the other is wondering how you deal with a grandmother who does not want assisted living, will lie to say she doesn't need it, and will probably disown me if I don't cave to her wish to be put home alone? Will a full-time care worker be enough or will she need to move into AL?
ughhh
CAN she sign herself out of AL? You have POA and HCPOA, but is she allowed to make any of her own decisions?
As far as her BF goes, run fast and far. He's most likely lying to you about making you an heir. It's a very common story, unfortunately.
What is your grandmother's financial situation? Is this money being paid to her "friend" who helps being paid under the table? Is Medicaid eligibility ever going to be a concern?
Are you truly the only living relative? You can resign thos POAs, you know.
#1. Age in Place.
When they move from independant to semi-dependant, they need to arrange their home help. This can be family/friends help or paid services.
#2. Age in another place ie AL.
Choice #1 works like this: family & friends OFFER help. They don't demand. If their needs EXCEED what is OFFERED, they must add in paid or other services that may be available to elders in their area.
If they cannot manage staffing themselves, a family member may OFFER. But if not, they move to choice #2.
No-one ever has the right to enslave family members.
She was moved? By whom? Who made these decisions and on whose authority?
Remember that she might in fact prefer to die at home (unchecked on the bathroom floor after a fall) rather than be in care. If she does, it’s her choice, not your fault.
BF is another cup of worms. If he wants to pay you, and you are willing to do it for the money (plus whatever you feel about him), get the payment (or some sort of guarantee on his title) NOW. Not pie in the sky.
Inheritance is a very common reason people might, but if all you have is promises of a will or wills, consider that promises were probably made to their own children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren if they exist. You could move in with them and there's a big fight and now you're out of the will.
Another very common reason is that the caregiver lives in the person's residence in a "free room and board" arrangement. Even with a caregiver on board for 40 hours, that still leaves 128 hours for the "free" room and board person to cover. That is $133,120/year-- a high cost for volunteering hoping that you'll be in a will.
At 33, you cannot afford not to work. It is to your maximal advantage to work maximally now for the money and opportunities to network, both in your private and professional life. At 33. you will have so, so many opportunities either way than being cloistered with these people and re-emerging at 45. Do not do it.
The worst that could happen is that she'd disown you. That would truly suck, but the priority right now for you is to build yourself up in life.
As for her BF, it's up to you to provide his care but I would only do it if he paid you an hourly wage now rather than wait for an inheritance you might never see. Make sure to get a contract in writing and don't do it if he fails to pay you. Also, he won't seek another solution if you make yourself available as the only solution. Tell him you are not interested in doing it, then point him towards resources like his local area's Agency on Aging, social services for his county, caregiving agencies, and leave him to it.
You've done yeoman's work. Now it's time to move on and move up.