I am in a situation that I am sure is not unique. I am the oldest and I am the only son. I have two sisters and they are as different as night and day. I live about 2 hours away and I have a highly demanding job. I am also the only child that left home after high school and made something of myself and that has led to jealously. I have money because I sacrificed other things so I could have a nice life. Now the issue. I have one sister who goes and visits my parents on Saturday but she cannot take a day off to take them to very important appointments (Dad has cancer and mom has mental health issues). She swears she is doing so much and needs some help. In the mean time, I take vacation days and go up and take the both to most of their more important appointments. I end up having to stay at a hotel because the same sister's son lives with my parents for free and they will not even make him leave so I have a place to stay (he is 21). My other sister, who is sweet, has just come out of an abusive relationship and was abused by both my mom and dad when she was younger. She was the only child left in house because both myself and my other sister had left home. She is the only one of us who actually talks to my mom on the phone. Myself and my other sister just cannot put up with moms BS. My question, is there something wrong with me? Should I expect my sisters to actually help and give up something or should I just accept that I am the only adult and just do it all? It is affecting my health, my relationship with my wife and my job. I am out of vacation time for the year and I have to pretend to be in the office so my dad and mom can go to their appointments. My middle sister is showing all the same signs as my mom from a mental health perspective so maybe I should give her the slack she wants? I am in a pickle.
You are in a tough situation. Some of us are natural caregivers or carry guilt that gets us in these positions. I have felt like I was going out of my mind bc not only was I doing everything, but my 4 sibs, all of whom live out of state, do not support me emotionally at all other than about 5 minutes if that of our bimonthly zooms. We have been a "nice" family and never had any issues, but they simply are not there for me even though I finally came out and directly explained where I was physically and emotionally and that I needed them to call me to support me. They did not and do not respond!!! I then realized that I had a choice to stay on the pity pot and be angry or find my support elsewhere. I am not able to comprehend how they can abandon me other than to believe that they just don't get it. I have wonderful children and friends who are there for me and check in with me often. I am slowly learning to set boundaries with my aunt on my own and to let go of the sense of responsibility I have taken on for her care. Like hiring an agency while she had a terrible uti for a month and was confused. to the point of calling the police at 4am to tell them that I hadn't returned from a walk. Telling her I was no longer going to do all the cleaning, shopping, running, total care of the house. I'm getting there but have a way to go. I'm determined not to cave and to take care of myself. I am also done sending the long reports via text to keep my sibs informed. Not one has checked in for an update. I am working very hard to maintain a good attitude and accept them where they are so that when this is all over we can have a good relationship. It's a delicate balance, isn't it?!
Now I have found this group and feel support already.
Good luck!
During the early days, before and after the move to MC, I got little help from them and a lot of crap. I found myself being angry and after some flak from both, started an email to each, to let them know how hateful and hurtful these things they said were and how having to "do it all" myself was impacting me. I would set these aside, come back later to update/edit, but eventually just left them in the draft folder. I got out what I needed to, and realized sending them would not only fail to improve anything, but would likely put them on the defensive, leading to offensive. So, I let it go. I do what I have to for mom's care and forget them.
*Recent contact with non-local brother's daughter (she's an only), she let me know that she hasn't had contact with him in a long long LONG time! After he was abusive during his last trip to "help", we had discussions and she revealed that she also has been victim to his abuse. I was glad we talked, as I could assure her that it was NOT her fault - this IS who he is! When we were still on okay terms, all I would hear from him was Molly this, Molly that. Molly is his 2nd wife's granddaughter. NOTHING ever about his own daughter. Sad.
BTW, my niece and I are not the only targets. He has no good words for MANY people, co-workers, various doctors and others, who he deems to be idiots. I've heard plenty of his disparagement of others. We just happened to be the only ones who likely dealt with the physical manifestations of his insecurities.
The American Cancer Society (ACS) has teamed up with Lyft to provide free rides for those battling cancer. It is part of the society's Road To Recovery program. The rides are available to and from treatments and are free of charge, courtesy of ACS. Can you ask the hospital about it or call and maybe there is a local chapter that can help. This should take some stress off.
or https://www.cancer.org/treatment/support-programs-and-services/resource-search.html.
good luck
**“Durable Power of Attorney”** one for medical and one for other stuff like the homes and banks and more. A Durable Power of Attorney is still valid even after death or coma and dementia. So we were happy with it and my dad was too because he said ur sisters n my son are just gonna lock us up in a nursing home first chance they get. Worked great my mom 2 months later fell hit her head in the middle of the street while visiting my dad at the nursing home diagnosed her with dementia she had brain damage and had to relearn how to do a lot of things. I moved her I. With my middle sister since I had just had a car accident n couldn’t give 100% and I would go to my sis house 7am-6pm to care for my mom she had nights. Dad stayed in nursing home since he was stuck and needed men to help since now his body was curled up n in a wheelchair. Later my sister lost her job n she moved mom with oldest sister I told her to bring her to me but she didn’t listen. So after my dad got worse I was called in to pull the plug and my sisters n stepbrother got a little pissed when they found out about the new POA now he passed away and my oldest sister is leaving my mom home with my cousin who is working as my moms provider service. Red next answer it doesn’t fit.
2012 car accident mri 4 herniated disc 2cervical very minor n 2 in lumber. Many times before my injury I asked my sisters to split up my mom 1week each n I would take her 2 weeks as a set schedule because she wants to be with us all. They denied it. Cancer doesn’t mean he is not able to make decisions. he still might have the power to give u Durable POA especially over himself. ur mom has a mental disability is she mentally capable he might also be able to give u both POA. My Gma had everyone taking advantage of her Goto part 4
You certainly cannot handle all of the care needed for your parents alone. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. I highly recommend hiring a caregiver either private or through an agency. They can help and take parents to the many doctor appointments. If HIPPA forms are signed each doctor can communicate freely with you. You cannot make your sisters do more than they are willing. I would expect the grandson living with them to complete a list of household chores or else move. Can the sisters help pay for caregivers or at least have groceries delivered and meals? Ask them to decide how they can help without physically being there.
I am the oldest of four, both brothers estranged from parents, sister critically ill in hospital from covid she had in Dec. I had to hire help but it was still exhausting managing everything. Dad passed but now I used home delivery for everything, groceries, meds and household items.
Please message me and I can give more information.
We live in Jax, Fl.
And if ur mom n dad own a home in Texas if they get provider services from Disabled Aging n Development DADS they are single and are able to live n keep the home if they are caring for them when they pass. is what I read for a friend of mine.
So have a living will drawn up its ur best option. If ur gonna pay anyone to care hire from a company because family who lives in home definitely needs a break and DADS does offer care to provide family time for themselves. And also can provide daycare like a center for ur mom to go spend time away from home and has shuttle service. They offer discounts as well. Make sure u play nice with mom get her Durable POA especially on financial because u don’t want her to be taking advantage of those not employed or living for free. Have copies of all drs n SSDI n medical and any other things like bills n more be also sent a copy to ur address to make sure nothing is going wrong. I did it with my mom had her credit reporting and more sent to me and found her credit being used and that is fraud. Had a friend who family home was signed over to her provider she had for years literally family wasn’t aware but since she had access to the home n everything inside they changed over the home after dad passed and couldn’t provide proof because all documents were destroyed and document in court files important paperwork. I’m sure I got more info but that’s all I can remember right now. Hopefully I can get a Attorney to open up a certain Circumstance case for my injuries but also I’m hoping to find my Gma because I love her and want her to know that I’m looking for her and I care. Especially because locking the elderly up away from families is wrong even if some people have taken advantage of them like lowlifes but as long as they are not removed from nursing home I see no reason why family can’t visit. I’m not on the side of those cousins n aunts that have taken advantage of her n my mom but I know my Gma and she loves all of us and she never pushed anyone out her life yes she stopped helping them but never stopped caring about them. So it hurts to know she has so much family who would love to buy her food or visit but no one will say anything n have there circle of allowed people. But she had 9kids 1 stepdaughter my mom but my grandpa adopted 5 of her other kids so we definitely are apart of her, I told my sister if mom needs to be in a nursing home I wanna put them together so at least they have eachother but of course my sister won’t go out her way to look for my Gma cuz they were close. N Im working on my SSDI so it’s hard to care for elderly. Please do all that u can pick them up keep them for a weekend I did when my sisters had my mom n dad. But never did they do it for me. It wasn’t fair. Split up chores bill paying groceries shopping drs appts taking care of setting up funeral before death. Take care of wills n trust, deeds, take over payees and have auto drawn rent n bills taken then give weekly allowance to make sure funds last. Birthcet n wills n docs in bank. Or attorney
Take a breath, get a pen and paper and write down exactly what you are willing to do for your parents that will preserve your family and your sanity. Then ask your sisters the same question and write down their answers. Now, take another page and write down all the things your parents apparently need that they don’t have. That includes legal things like POAs, wills, etc. in addition to home maintenance and health care.
Finally, compare the two lists and the mismatch represents what someone else needs to do. Can these things be done by a home caregiver, an elder attorney, meals on wheels, care transport, etc. or are there other options. See if your sisters will help finding the resources. Then tell your parents exactly what their options are. Let them decide, but stick to your plan. If they refuse, as is their right, and you remain concerned for their welfare, contact Social Services and let the system decide. Even then, don’t let anyone guilt you into sacrificing your life and your family.
You and your sister are propping up dependence, not independence. Your sister feels she can’t cope, you and your wife aren’t going well. This will get gradually worse. Where is your father in this? If he is not in intensive cancer care, living with cancer doesn’t mean that he can’t make sensible decisions. Mental illness or not, why is your mother being allowed to call the shots? Because she always has? Are your parents tolerating the nephew to keep your sister in the loop, and your sister is in the loop to provide accommodation for your nephew? When you feel that things are breaking down, you are probably already past the point where change is due.
Perhaps you, your wife and your sister need to talk through what is workable , as suggested already. It would help your marriage to ask for wife about options for change – if you have been resistant to change, you have probably ignored or criticised her comments so far. When you work things out, you present the options to your parents. If they won’t accept any of them, you back off. Wait for the crisis. It could be the only way.
In the meantime, see if you can get the paperwork in order – HIPPA, wills, POA. If your parents won’t co-operate, you have proof positive that you have no power, no rights, no influence, and that you can’t do the ‘safe and happy’ outcome. Back off until something happens to force a change.
If your parents are on medicaid, it will be easy to put them in a nursing home with a doctor's order. However, there also may be services Medicaid has to offer like transport. Talk to a social worker.