I have been taking care of my grandmother since I was 15. I am an only child, and my grandmother's children are not in the picture. I have been unable to find a job, as all my time is taken up with her. I have no savings and am terrified of how I am going to find a job after she passes, as I have minimal experience. I am attending college online because she could not be alone for me to go in person/make the long commute. She is severely depressed and has received ECT therapy and uses a walker as she cannot place her left foot flat. I left the house for two hours the other day, only to receive a call from her refusing to leave her chair to use the bathroom until I came home. She said she couldn't get up and would fall. There are days when she will get up and fix herself food and walk without her walker. I am unable to tell if this is manipulation or some kind of mental health thing. She is paranoid about money, so she will not pay for caregivers. I am wondering what options I have. We are in Maryland, and she does not have or qualify for Medicaid, so any programs through them are not an option. Any advice will be truly appreciated.
How old are you?
How old is your Grandmother?
Whether she has a mental health disorder, dementia or is just manipulative, the only real solution will be for you to move out and stay out so that the county can come in and take care of all her affairs and get her the appropriate care by appropriate people.
If you have any sympathetic friends or family members, I would ask to couch surf at their place until you get a job. I will suggest you can easily work as a PAID caregiver at an agency since you have ample experience. Do not barter caregiving for room & board as this puts you at a big disadvantage and it never turns out well for the caregiver. You can read all about that on this forum on other posts.
You can join Nextdoor.com to see if you can rent a room in a private home. Or you can seek section 8 housing through your county social services, or contact local churches to see if they have someone with a spare room until you get on your feet. Many churches have Benevolent ministries to help total strangers with real needs. You just need to keep asking.
Do not feel guilty for leaving your Grandma -- you're doing nothing wrong by leaving. She, on the other hand, doesn't seem to give a fig that she is ruining your life. And, if "other" family members don't like it they can move in and take your place. Do not tell people you "can't" do it, you tell them you "won't" do it anymore. You can feel free to pick up and leave at any time. Call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult to get her on their radar. You said she can get around and cook when she wants to. Good. Block her number for a while once you leave. She'll get over it and so will anyone else who dares to criticize you for wanting to live your own life.
I wish you all the best.
You mention that none of your grandmother's children are in the picture and among them would be your actual parent. You are going to have to get on with your life and put yourself FIRST because from the sound of it, no one is going to bail you out. This may sound harsh, but your grandmother can't be your priority anymore.
Put her into care or walk away from being her caregiver. You must put the making of your own life and livelihood your top priority because no one is going to do it for you. Good luck.
You cannot throw yourself on the funeral pyre of a loved one. It is a slow burn. You will go down with her. You must get a job, a shelter, and a job history. Those are the basics that will actually save your life. This you are doing is not sustainable.
If your family is non responsive let them know your date of leaving and call APS to report your grandmother as a senior at risk and in need of immediate help.
You must SAVE YOURSELF. No one here will save you; that's clear to you. Leave now.
I agree with everybody else - tell grandma and her kids that you are moving out by quick date in the future, and then get the hell out of Dodge. Her kids can deal with her.
It's time that you start making plans to leave grandma. Maybe apply for scholarships to live on campus to finish college away from family. Make the plans, and then leave. Tell whomever who signed you up for this nonsense that you are out of there. Let them go through the hassle of finding an aide for grandma. I can't stand it when parents use children to prop up unstable family situations to avoid making decisions. Don't tell them before you have your plan set in place. Make your plans first, and don't let them talk you out of it.
I wouldn't suggest picking caregiving jobs because they don't pay much. Plus, it will keep that nonsense of caregiving ongoing in your mind. You should be focused on school and what really interests you. What do you want to do as a career?
This caregiving situation is something you were manipulated into doing, and it wasn't by choice either. Someone saw you as an easy means for a solution to a problem they didn't want to deal with. Focus on school and career and leave this caregiving business behind.
Your option is to contact Adult Protective Services, and tell them exactly what is going on. You need to get out of this situation, and far away....I would even suggest enlisting in the military at this point. You will get experience, education and help to figure out what would work for you and your future. You will be trained and stationed far away, with new friends to make. When you get out, you will have access to finish college on the GI Bill, saved money and get a good job with your discipline and experience.
Whoever dumped you on Grandma at 15 is not someone who has your best interests whatsoever. I'd be looking for the nearest recruiting office in your area, where you can enlist and be gone within a week or so. The military will give you the fastest way out of this situation, to be on your own and learn about life. Both my husbands were veterans, my Dad was a Colonel and Commanding Officer. It will change your life.
Good luck with your future!
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