Hi, I'm new to this forum. Here's the backstory: My dad and I have never gotten along. I am not sure if it's a subconscious thing on his end, but he's never really liked me. He has told me the most horrible things, things you'd never tell a daughter. He treats the other siblings just fine. I am the middle child out of three kids.
Really high level: My dad's health started taking a major turn for the worse in the last 10 years, more so the last 6 years. His heart is only functioning at 20% and he's half-blind. He let his house go and needs help with some labor throughout the house. I help out with 98% of it. I mow his lawn, shovel snow, clean up his dog poop in his house (never trained the dog properly), clean out the gutters of his roof, list goes on and on. My sister helps out when she's able to, but she lives out of state. My brother? Hasn't done much of anything to help. He has no desire or anticipatory nature to do anything.
I have taken the brunt of the responsibility and have become the lightning rod for his anger and resentment. He is also the most negative, difficult person I have ever met. This has been so toxic for me, as well as physically and emotionally draining. My health has fallen apart. I don't even PRODUCE cortisol anymore. I am a literal burnout. I struggle with so many emotions. I resent him, I wonder why me? Why am I the one picking up the chores? The ONE time my sister-in-law helped, he was able to clean the house and act like a perfect angel, so no one else sees that I am getting the brunt of his negativity..
I also try to see things from his angle. I see he is limited due to his upbringing. He's reverted back to a wounded child. He was abused as a child. But that still gives him no right to treat me so poorly for so long.
If my mom were still alive, this would NOT happen. She would not allow him to turn into a negative couch potato.
How do I manage going through this without shaving my head and driving into parked cars? (kidding). In all seriousness, I really feel alone. I don't know anyone else who is going through this, and it makes me resent everyone for not being able to relate to me, to not understand that this has taken a major toll. It's affecting my relationships. I absolutely hate it.
Asking for outside help is not an option. My dad already refuses it.
So, why are you choosing to do all these chores and services for a father who's mean, unappreciative and emotionally abusive to you for your entire lifetime? That's the $64,000 question to ask yourself, I think. Because your health is suffering as a result and that's a seriously high price to pay!
Being older with health issues and coming from a dysfunctional family background does not give dad license to mistreat you, or you an obligation to leave your blood on the floor out of a misguided sense of guilt. Dad can pay to have his gutters cleaned, housekeepers in, poop scooped, snow removed, etc. Or he can downsize to a senior apartment where services are included in his rent and you're no longer the free help who's also being abused. Make a decision today to stop being the answer to his problems, and regain your health before you lose it permanently, God forbid. We caregivers often become statistics ourselves by doing too much for loved ones who should be in managed care with Medicaid. Look into that option as well.
I wish you the best of luck with a difficult situation along with the ability to recognize the need for your own self care along the way.
My husbands father is a child abuser. I dont say was because that implies he made a conscious choice to change. The only reason he doesnt abuse children anymore is because his children are grown up.
You need to cut off all contact with your father. It doesn't matter if he was abused as a child, if he has no one or needs help. You are still being abused. But you don't have to take it anymore because you are an adult.
What makes you think that your father is allowed/entitled to refuse anything? A sick person may refuse help BUT CANNOT make his child an unpaid servant in refusing.
You weren’t born to be the King’s caregiver.
This is NOT balance. It’s time for you to decide what you CAN do, what you WILL do, and what you WON’T do.
Convene or zoom your siblings, tell them you will not be doing this any more, and tell them a date when you will be stopping.
DO THIS. You need to be in charge of YOUR welfare. YOU MATTER.
Look after yourself, not your father. Golden brother and lucky SIL can pick it up, if they want to. Stay away from D, and from them if they complain. If you are 40 years old, D is probably around 70. In spite of vision problems and a dicky heart, if his brain is working well enough to put on a ‘show’ for SIL, then it is working well enough for him to research HIS options and plan HIS own future.
You don’t need to waste another 20 years of your life on this. Quit. What happens, happens.
Do you know why you let yourself be abused this way? Do you realize that you do not have to have contact with your father, and that you shouldn't have contact with your him?
If he is deemed mentally competent (I assume he is), then you can't really make him do anything. Do you want to keep this up for years, hoping you can convince him to hire help or go into a facility? Because you won't be able to convince him.
You CAN change yourself, though. STOP jeopardizing your own health. Look at what the stress has already done to your health.
Walk away. If he's that desperate for help, he'll call your brother.
You set the boundaries. You’re not a slave. And if you quit mowing his grass, what would happen? He’d either get someone else or the neighbors would call code enforcement and he’d be fined for rats breeding on the lot and overrunning neighbors’ property (happened to someone I knew).
He doesn’t want help from anyone but you, and you’re suffering because of that. You need to stand up to this tyrant and tell him what you will do and what you won’t. Then he can sort out the rest.
He should be in assisted living. How can you help him make that decision?
By refusing to enable his scheme to ruin your life.
Swooping in and playing the role of Florence Nightingale will lead to nothing but burnout and disappointment.
They will just continue to abuse their child and the child will keep wasting their life until they wake up and say "No More, I am done"!
I would walk away, let him figure it out, you owe him nothing.
I come from a home of an alcoholic, my mother, I was her scapegoat, my brother the golden child. I finally had enough and have not spoken to her in 12 years!
Lots more to my story but that is the bottom line. Back away, get your life back, you will never change his feelings about you. Good Luck!
I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. I’m sorry that your brother doesn’t help you with anything. It is nice of your sister in law to pitch in.
Your father isn’t going to change his ways. You are a very kind person to help him. It’s time to be kind to yourself.
Focus your energy on an exit plan.
Wishing you all the best.
* Yes it is *
"My dad already refuses it.".
* OK, so? *
Here is my tough love advice:
Ask. Say. Do.
ASK Dad what help he needs.
SAY what his options are. Also say what you are & importantly ARE NOT willing to do.
DO what you said you will.
Eg Dad says there is too much lawn/snow/dog poop.
Ask what he wants to do about lawn/snow/dog poop.
Wants it gone, right?
HOW is HE going to make that happen? Do it himself?
(Leave thinking space)
"Here are some home help service companies you can call Dad. I can help you call".
(Leave thinking space)
He is able to ask you of course... & you are also able to refuse.
"No, I won't be doing that.
I AM NOT YOUR MAID".
If it doesn't get done - it doesn't get done.
Natural consequences happen:
Yard gets full of grass/snow/dog poop..
Until he gives in.
A present Dad may be under the false belief that what he WANTS you must DO. Some retraining is necessary.
It may be too late to train the dog, but you CAN train both Dad & yourself into new ways to think.
Thoughts??
PS Is Dad a grumpy old guy or a grumpy old guy with Dementia? That may change my reply somewhat.
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