Sorry, I am back again. I just spent the better part of my evening driving my MIL with my wife around because she could not sleep. I ended up crying in my car afterwards. I want out of this. My wife still is struggling with the idea of placing her mother. We toured a bunch of places but the only places her and my MIL liked were the ones that were criminally overpriced, one placed wanted 12k a month.
I thought about divorce and spoke to attorneys it is cheaper to keep her. I just want to ghost. I am in a dark place, I feel trapped. Cannot really talk to people about this because I always get reminded remember your vows.
I did all I could to try and get my her placed, my wife refuses because she is doing well. Great she is but I am going f**king mad. Life is sick joke, it does not pay to be a good person because no one f**king cares about you.
I think initiating a separation and living in a men's shelter would be preferable to what you're doing now.
If you die of a heart attack, will wife be in a better place?
Part they are referring to is for better or for worse. We were close to getting her the voucher for provides 24 split shift care, but she was rejected due to her level of functionality. I have been called selfish because yes my wife was transparent with me when it came to her desire to take care of her family, but damn this sh*t is much harder than I thought it would be. Cannot travel, because she is worried about being far away from her mom. Not much of a vacation if we bring her mom along.
I don’t know why your wife isn’t accepting the fact that her mom isn’t doing well. I suppose that she is either in big time denial or she just can’t find it in her heart to place her mom.
We had my mom living with us, so I know how hard it is. My mom had Parkinson’s disease. She lost her home in hurricane Katrina and we took her in. She didn’t develop dementia until much later. She lived to be 95. She died in an end of life hospice care home.
I was Mom’s primary caregiver. I didn’t ask my husband to help out much. Still, my husband was affected by the situation because I spent so much time caring for my mom. It’s hard for couples to deal with this kind of situation.
My mom had trouble sleeping at night due to nightmares. At one point in time she was also trying to escape through the front door and her doctor prescribed Seroquel and Ativan and it calmed her down enough to rest at night.
Has your wife told the doctor about her mom not being able to sleep? Perhaps, meds would help her. Of course, placement in a facility would be best for all of you. It is shocking to see how expensive facilities are.
What do you think would happen if you told your wife that you are thinking about getting a divorce? Or if you said that you are going to take a break and leave for a while?
Do you have any outside help? Is hiring a caregiver for night shifts a possibility for you?
Tell us about your mother in law’s financial situation? Who would be paying for the facility? Please don’t consider paying for it yourself.
Have you looked into applying for Medicaid for your mother in law? Then she could be eligible to be placed in a skilled nursing home.
Your wife would have to accept that she would not be placed in a nice assisted living facility. Still, your mother in law would still receive the care that she needs. Explain to your wife that she can become her mother’s advocate and oversee her care.
You have to do whatever you have to do and it looks like you are at the end of your rope. If you need a break then by all means take it.
Maybe if your wife has to face this situation all alone she will wake up and realize that your mother in law needs more help than the two of you can provide for her.
I don’t think that you aren’t being supportive. I think you are burning out and need a break from everything. I understand how you feel. Everyone has a breaking point.
Again, I am very sorry that you are going through this.
Medicaid is worthless they barely cover anything, but that is life of Medicaid. This is kind of normal, because of daylight savings she has to adjust, pretty much my MIL appears to go with what it looks like outside. If it is still daylight and she is inside the house during that time she does not sleep. To get her to sleep we have to take her around until it gets dark then bring her home and she sleeps likes a baby. Just before it got darker earlier so she went to bed early.
Pretty much is goes to bed when the sun goes down, and wakes up when the sun comes up like clock work. I feel mostly like an ATM then anything else. I hate to say it but god do I regret marrying into a Korean family, my friends warned me. I did not listen, I love my wife and I still do but my god these family bonds are insane.
Screw those people that say remember your vows. You didn't marry MIL.
Sounds like you need a vacation without wife and MIL so you can make some hard decisions.
How many more family members is your wife going to feel obligated to take care of down the road?
Divorce may be expensive but a better option than you dying from the stress. Your wife only seems to care about mom not you.
I certainly feel your pain. Would therapy for you and your wife be a consideration? Can your MIL afford to pay this with her money? I do believe your wife is in the wrong by putting your MIL first instead of your marriage. If there is no budging and no attempts to give what I mentioned a try then maybe your option is divorce. Your mental health has value. This present situation does not presently seem sustainable. I wish you the best.
Trust me, I understand your anger. You probably feel duped. Unfortunately, this is a cutural thing that you will either accept or reject. It sounds like you've already made up your mind and need to create a feasible plan that works for you.
Look for ways to take the edge off the stress (that is not health destroying). Turn a room into your man cave. Play music, exercise, get outside, water is good - shower, swim or some like sauna.
Not sure why MIL needs driving around if cannot sleep.. I know I did that once or twice with a crying baby then thought nope, this isn't a solution.
Have you looked into places that will accept Medicaid after 2 years of private pay?
Have you looked into small board and care homes?
Is your wife looking to forgo having children to provide care for her mom?
What does MIL do when she's not sleeping? Will she sit quietly and watch TV with headphones? Is it a problem that she won't go to sleep until the sun goes down?
It is ok to give yourself some space. When things got bad with my FIL, I would absolutely have to take a break and step back and let DH handle things on his own. Then I would step back in and help when I was able to do so without clawing his eyes out. He was a true narcissist and dealing with him even on his best days was like dealing with a pissed off rattlesnake.
Your wife may be choosing to take care of her mother - but that doesn't mean that you have to help. I know that is counterintuitive to the vows you took, but your wife took vows with you too - and they were with EACH OTHER. I know there is a saying that you don't just marry the person, you marry the family. but her responsibility is to you and to the family that she is making with you.
She can take care of her mother without physically taking care of her mother. I know that your wife is under the misconception that she has a literal obligation to take care of her mother. But that's often something that is instilled in children from an early age and it's hard for people to break as adults. That's what happened to my husband and his sister. YOU don't have to add your own energy to that - you have no obligation and perhaps if you remove your attention and energy from the equation your wife will realize just how much work is actually involved in taking care of her mother on her own and realize that something else must be done.
At a bare minimum I might consider taking a few days to stay in a hotel and let her handle ALL of the MIL care and ALL of the other household things so that she gets a good idea of the realities. Sometimes a person needs to realize exactly what they are asking of their spouse and what the realities of the situation are to come to terms with the situation and make a sound decision.
I have good married friends, one is white middle class, her husband pulled himself outta Detroit hood. They are about ready to separate and it's really sad that they can't put themselves in each others shoes and try to understand where the other is coming from. He is trying to give each of his family a better start. He is trying to get them outta a bad situation, gives them a place to stay for a yr, helps them find jobs and helps them get on there feet.
She is tired of coming home from work and finding a new whole family in her home. She is not understanding the close bond that his family has, he is not understanding that, it's frustrating to come home from your honeymoon and have 3 new family members take over your living space.
Not saying at all don't leave , you absolutely need to do what you need to do! No judgement at all.
But if these two could for a minute put themselves in each others childhood shoes they maybe could of worked something out. Seems to be too much resentments built now.
Good luck with everything, please take care
We have really good friends who are Korean (he's Korean American, wife is born/raised in Korea). Their Moms go everywhere with them. His Mom lives with them. Yes, the family obligations (and expected financial support) is serious. But you're not in Korea and I get the impression you're not Asian heritage. Where does your wife compromise in this situation? Would she be willing to hire a companion aid for your MIL? Maybe someone who comes in the evenings so that you have your wife to yourself when you're home from work?
Does your MIL have command of English? If not, is this one reason that concerns your wife about her being in a facility? This would be an understandable worry.
Dementia can affect people's sleeping habits a lot. Your MIL sleeping during dark time only is actually not bad considering. Many have their body clocks completely screwed up so that they are awake all night. Can MIL's doc be asked about sleeping meds for her? Ambien? Even Tylenol PM? CBD...?
I also want to encourage you to research faith-based facilities. I'm in MN. My MIL is in an excellent facility LTC on Medicaid and has a private room. This organization has been around 40+ years and is really well run. It's not very expensive because it is supported by a large national church (Presbyterian) and they see the care as a mission. I know the Catholic Church here also has many facilities, and also Jewish ones. I just want to give you some hope that decent places that take Medicaid do exist.
I agree with others who suggest stepping away from direct care. Take care of yourself. Your wife's deeply held cultural traditions and expectations won't go away overnight, and she will feel the burn from other judgmental Korean relatives for how she treats her Mom. My family is Italian American and I had to get over a lot of cultural expectations even though I am 2nd gen American.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you work on and wait for the change to happen.
How old is MIL?
Does your wife plan on having children who will be expected to provide this sort of care for her?
This is an unsustainable situation. Your wife needs to be in therapy to work on her codependency issues.
Well, then just leave(even if it's just temporary), and let your wife deal with her mother all by herself for a while, so she can get a more realistic taste of what it's really like.
As long as you continue to help prop your MIL up your wife won't ever see the need for her mother to be placed in a facility.
And as already said, the vows you said were to your wife, not to her mother.
And if your MIL is doing so well, why doesn't she just move into a small senior apartment, where your wife could check in on her several days a week if she so chooses, and leave you out of it? Why does she have to live with you just because she's Korean? Culture thing or not, if it's not working for all involved it's NOT working. Period.
So I guess it's time to be the man of the house and put your foot down as to what will and what will not be going on going forward.
It sounds like both women are dependent on you(financially and otherwise)so you really do have the upper hand here, if you decide to play it.
I hope you will, as your health is depending on it.
I cannot think of a faster way to make this situation worse than to meet inflexible and controlling behavior with inflexible and controlling behavior. Also it's not the 1950's..
I'm sad to hear it's so difficult for you. I hope you will find a way to improve your situation.
I would pray first and ask for guidance, then I would set some boundaries with the wife. My suggestion is that you inform her ( don't ask) that you cannot do this running around with Mother-in-law dance anymore. Tell wife it is affecting your own health mentally and physically. Id tell her you no longer will be escorting them around or partaking in any of their activities any longer. She needs to get on board with you or swim. Then....follow through.
Ask her to go somewhere else while she figures it ll out. You should be number one in her life, and she should be number one in your life. I think what she is doing an abuse to YOU. I would also recommend you go talk to someone . Perhaps look for social services in your area to help guide you ? If she was unwilling to leave, then you leave and stay with a friend or whatever for a limited time. You call the shots here, not her, and let her know that and follow through.
Much cheaper, I am thinking, than 12,000 a month.
Then go there. Often.
Tell your wife you have reached your limitations, that you will not force her to place your mom but you will not also serve as chief cook and bottle-washer, driving them about like some sort of sad chauffeur. That you will often be gone; that she will have little help from you in this job she has chosen to take on.
When you need to retire to your own "room of one's own" then go there will a good book or a few movies to watch, go to the gym, go running in the park, take up photography or sculpture.
You have no perfect choices here. It is either leave or live with this. Life has so few perfect choices when you really look at it, right?
If she is on Medicaid you shouldn't be paying out of your own money. Even if you have to settle for a facility that is not ideal, your wife could visit every day and help with her care. That way you could both work and sleep on a normal schedule, and take a breath.
I get that its not just that easy. Everyone on here was telling me to place my mom, who refused to go. The difference is your MIL seems to have dementia if you have to drive her around like an infant to get her to sleep. If this is correct she may not even know who you both are in a few months. And by that time your marriage will be destroyed and you will not be able to keep her safe at home.
I feel awful for your situation. I would press Medicaid HARD for more services, even if placement doesn't work out. Did she "showtime" for the person who came to assess her? If nothing else she should be getting 12/day home care.
The idea of renting a room somewhere seems like a great solution. Look around and see what you find. Remind wife that she and her mom might be attached at the hip, but you are not. She can decide if she wants to move on without you or with you. Your conditions are that you contribute no care for mom, and mom leaves your home. You don't care how. That's up to wife.
Since mom and wife are Korean, do they remain Korean citizens? If so, is there a place where mom can be cared for there? A government program, perhaps? I'm mentioning this because I knew someone from an Asian country, and though she lived in the US for many years, when it came time for her to need help in her old age, she returned to that country for care, which was due her because she was still a citizen.
I've seen lovely board and care homes where dementia patients are well cared for. My BIL is in one. Only 8 or so patients, 24/7 care, great food and loving caregivers. It's like living in a family home. There's even a baby grand piano in the living room! Not all dementia care has to be institutional.
Maybe go stay in an extended stay hotel. Your mental health needs this. I give you permission to do it.
I have been where you are and it’s a lonely, soul sucking place.
That is why we say take a vacation first.
I wound up working for Home Instead for $8/hr (in 2002) and wiping elderly people's butts, having walkers thrown at me in rage, and being told my eggs weren't as good as those on the QEII ship. But I was FREE of the torturous life of luxury I was living with a mentally ill man and so were my children.
Who cares how much it may cost you to divorce? Have you actually seen a lawyer? See ANOTHER one if the first one had answers you didnt like. How much is FREEDOM worth?
Give your wife an ultimatum and a deadline. You have until June 1 to get mother placed or I'll file for divorce becuz I cannot and will not live this way any longer. Period.
And to HELL with what other people are telling you! Do what is right for YOU and stop being a doormat for HER.
Your wedding vows have nothing to do with caring for in-laws. Its care of each other. You need to learn the word No.
MIL should be paying for her own care. When the money is gone, then its Medicaid. You divorcing does not mean you support MIL too. You should not have to support your wife because she chooses to care for Mom. If she had a job before Mom then she needs to go back to work. There are options for Mom.
She’s practically holding the door wide open for you to leave, considering her behavior. She shouldn’t expect you to be driving around town with her mom because she can’t sleep due to daylight savings time.
Look into 4 week cruises. Tell wife you are exhausted from caregiving and you need a break, respite and that you are going to recharge on the 4 week cruise. Invite wife to go with you.
Tell her you can put MIL in a respite facility for 4 weeks so that you all can recharge.
If your wife does not want to go on the cruise then you go solo.
I'd set a lot of boundaries for yourself and simply be unavailable for care. Get a second job to get away if you have to. Get some hobbies. Join a gym and go to work out. Take care of yourself. Join a sports league.
Stay busy and unavailable while you are figuring things out.
PS. I still recommend a cruise.
But have you asked your wife to go to marriage counseling ? Perhaps that would open her eyes that this is not working . It is not fair for your wife to put her mother ahead of her spouse .
Your marriage vows are for your marriage between you and your wife . Not for living with her mother . 3 people is not a marriage . Don’t listen to those ridiculous people who spew the “ do the right thing “ type of SH*T .
Stop helping . Stop driving them around. You can quit “ working” for her mother . Your wife does it all for her mother . Do your own laundry , cook your own food. Live like room mates . Detach from this situation .
Have you told your wife that this is seriously not working and killing your marriage , that you feel like running away from this situation ?
I’m so sorry . You may have to tell her you need a break and go on a vacation . Tell her you would like her to come with you , but you are going anyway .
Let your wife know that now that her mother is doing better, it is now time to turn attention back to your marriage and her mother needs to live somewhere else. Tell her that her mother can not live in your home any longer .
Tell your wife that her mother does not have to live with you for her to take care of her . She can visit her at a facility and be her advocate .
You may need to rent a room like Alva suggested to go to for your sanity . Go to the gym etc like already suggested below . Don’t be home a lot .
I’m sorry that a divorce is financially worse than staying , but it may be necessary . Did the lawyer say divorce would be different if it was mutual ?
Perhaps if you stop helping with her mother , your wife will want a divorce .
I would talk to the lawyer about what you can safely do and not do in the marriage to not hurt you in the divorce . You don’t want your wife to garner ammunition .
Do not pay for Assisted Living . You should not be using your money for her mother’s care .
I have a couple of comments - people are telling you " Cannot really talk to people about this because I always get reminded remember your vows.".
Well, what exactly were your vows and what is YOUR thoughts about them? It should not matter what others say. What matters is how much stress and strive do you believe you should go through to stick with your marriage. Thats up to you. As far as the law, divorce can be done for reasonable reasons and this would fit. Whether you stick a marriage out is up to you. If you do, then I agree with others, it should be with conditions. You need to decide what the conditions you will set with your wife will be. However the status quo sounds very bad.