Mom is 84 and has dementia. Because of recent events (not taking her medication and not bathing) we've decided she can't live on her own even with outside care. My gut feeling is that she should go to memory care. I don't have the patience for her (old family issues) but want to make sure she's safe and happy. I think being around people her age and regular care would make her happy as she's a social person in general and needs a regular schedule. However, my husband's culture isn't comfortable with assisted living or memory care facilities. They always just take the person in until they're exhausted and worn out because "that's what you do." My sibling feel the same but don't live near us so can't participate in care or finances. Basically I handle everything. I'm torn between guilt and the feeling that from this point on my life is going to be given up to 24 hour care right when my kids have grown independent and I'm retired and able to travel etc. How do I manage the feeling that I'm handing over the rest of my life?
Otherwise, it may be that she can stay in her place for a little longer while we set up our house. That will also be quite a job.
So no, DO NOT set up your house for this. What is the deeper issue here? Does he think his family will disapprove and think of you as a bad daughter-in-law/wife? So what? Your life is not theirs to dictate. Do he and his family expect that one day HIS parents will move in and YOU, not HE, will become their fulltime caregiver? So by moving your mother to a facility you are setting an alternative precedent and negating that expectation?
Maybe you need some marriage counseling now. I don't mean that in a snarky way. If you were to move your mother in based on his wishes rather than your own, that will stress your marriage and household. So trying to appease him now is just going to backfire.
And I agree with you that Memory Care (or Assisted Living, for those without cognitive issues), can be a much better option for socialization, routines, medication management, medical oversight, and safety, than wasting away in their own home or someone else's home, just because some people have an unfounded bias against it.
Hang in there, and do what's right for your mother and yourself by finding a good placement for her.
How do I manage the feeling that I'm handing over the rest of my life? Simple...you don't do it. If you have already made a plan - you execute the plan. Not that it matters, but is your DH going to give up HIS entire life to provide care for YOUR mother? Are you siblings going to uproot themselves and move close or take mom in? My point is that they don't get a vote.
I recognize that cultural concepts are important and I'm not trying to negate that. But it doesn't sound like it is YOUR cultural belief - only your DH's. Even if it were your cultural belief it doesn't mean you would have to adhere to it.
People forced into care - rarely fare well. Stress can impact physical and mental health wildly. Something like 40% of caregivers, even those by choice, pre-decease the one they are caregiving for.
It is not up to your DH or your siblings who are not helping to tell you what is best.
"That's what you do". You can fully provide assistance and ensure proper care without being the hands on caregiver.
If you read through the board - find a few from In-Laws who are struggling and even considering leaving their spouse because the care of their loved one has consumed them and everyone in their home. Your DH does not seem to know what it is that he is trying to put on your shoulders with no consideration to reality.
Your family does not get to force you to continue 24/7 hands on caregiving . As the caregiver , only you decide how you want to proceed .
In fact you are throwing yourself bodily on a burning funeral pyre, and it will be a slow burn.
You are an adult. You must now make best choices for your own life.
#1. THIS ISN'T ABOUT GUILT
Guilt requires causation. It requires you to be an evil doer who purposely disrupts the life of an innocent and who refuses to take responsibility and to fix it.
You didn't cause aging and failure.
You SHOULD NOT expect this of your children in the future, in my humble opinion, and you should not do it now for your elder. She requires not one woman who moved herself from daughter to caregiver; she needs a facility where several shifts of several people each care for her in this last dreadful time in her life, as well as they are able.
Just my opinion.
You will do as you choose, as an intelligent woman.
Do not expect a happy outcome here. As I said, this isn't about happiness in any way.
You can't fix it.
#2. THIS ISN'T ABOUT HAPPINESS FOR AN AGING MOTHER
A) There IS no happiness in aging. Aging is a time of loss, failure, and death
B) Even if happiness were an option you are not a God and you are not a Saint and you cannot deliver happiness wrapped up with a lovely bow to your mother. You are a human being with limitations, not a fairy with a wand.
Now. You are an adult. You make choices for your own life and you pay the consequences of your choices. There ARE no EASY choices in life. You have a right to a life. You will claim that right or you will enslave yourself to your mother.
The choice is entirely yours. A martyr with no life or a woman claiming the right to her own life.
If you are POA for mom you are the one that decides how to keep her safe.
If the way to keep her safe is to place her in Memory Care then that is what you do. If your sister is reluctant then you can arrange to have your mom transported so your sister can care for her. You can remain POA or you can tell your sister that she needs to become mom's Guardian. (with mom's dementia she can not make your sister POA)
Caring for your mom will get more difficult not easier.
Placing her in MC now will allow her to become more familiar with the surroundings and the activities letting her have a better experience.
Don't get me wrong, she most likely will decline a bit when she first becomes a resident and she may say she hates you, hates it there. But she will have 24/7 caregivers if needed. No they are not going to do things the way you do them but she will be cared for. And you can be a daughter again, a wife, and a mom.
Before you choose one way or another, I would make sure you are your Mom's PoA if you aren't already. Then I would take her in for a physical to make sure she isn't suffering from a UTI, which can create (or worsen) dementia-like symptoms. UTIs are very common in elderly women and often have no symptoms other than changes in behavior, confusion, hallucinations, etc. Treatable with antibiotics.
Once she gets a physical, it is a stepping-stone to her doctor being able to prescribe other meds that are commonly needed for dementia, for depression and anxiety, since dementia robs its victims of their ability to regulate these things interally themselves.
Does you Mom have the money to pay for a good AL or MC? It will be thousands of dollars a month. This ideally should be covered by her funds and never yours. I agree that the social exposure in a good facility with activities, events and field trips might be the best thing for your Mom at this point.
Does your Mom have a good command of English? My Grandmother, even though she emigrated to the US as a teen, died in her mid 90s speaking almost no English, so she was taken care of by 2 of her unmarried daughters (who were assumed into doing it).
Issues like this will complicate the decision. It may turn out that hiring aids who speak her language for in-home care might need to be how it is, at least for now.
I wish you success in making a guilt-free decision for your Mom's most appropriate care!
Your husband has no clue what you would be into if you continued to care for her, he has that female servitude attitude, if he wants to care for her 24/7 he can, let him and your mother move in together and he can care for her, won't take long and he will change his tune.
You are doing the right thing, MC.
I wish you the best!
If your husband wants to take on her care then you tell him that you are moving out and he can knock himself caring for your mom.
I will bet that after just a few weeks he'll be begging for you to come back and get her placed.
And you nor your siblings should be spending any of your own money on your mom. If she doesn't have the funds for placement, then you'll have to apply for Medicaid for her.
I wish you well in finding the right facility for your mom and standing strong with your "gut feeling."
Have your husband read some of the answers you will get here and also read about the effects of caregiving on the caregiver. Your mother needs 24/7 care by trained staff who go home after their 8 hrvshift is over. You cannot provide that. Taking mom in would be a mistake and would not only affect you but your marriage.
Does your husband want a wife who is burnt out, lacking sleep as mom is up at night, unable to take vacations and a house that smells as mom has accidents? Mom will get worse and need more care than she does now. Your health will likely deteriorate, Caregivers get depression, high blood pressure, gain weight and more all due to the stress of caregiving and lack of time to care for themselves. 30-40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.
Perhaps ask hub to go to a counsellor to explore the options. Your gut is right. Follow it. In time, likely, your hub will see sense. I am sorry you are in this situation. Please take care of yourself.