We we just transferred my mother to a lovely nursing home. We live in a small town and the facility is no more than 15 minutes away from me. I can't seem to make myself go over more than once a week, if that. Even then, an hour is almost more than I can handle.
I have just spent the better part of 2 years living in her home and taking care of her by myself. I have two brothers and a sister who all live nearby, but simply because I am the only single child with no children, I moved out of my own home and in with her. This was of my own free will. I had no idea what it was going to be like!
She was not a warm and fuzzy person to begin with, but became cold and prickly before very long. I am also disabled so no longer employed, for good reason, but she thought that I could wait on her hand and foot without ever crashing. Wrong! Things got pretty bad between us before she agreed to go. I had to simply tell her I couldn't do it any more when she decided she was no longer going to walk, eat, or get out of bed.
Well, since she has moved the end of December, I have been to see her 3 times. Right after she moved I got covid, then my best friend took his own life. I did finally pull it together enough to go see her a couple of times and she didn't act like she cared whether I was there or not. Now that she is there, my siblings who couldn't go out of their way to come and sit with her for 2 hours once in a blue moon so I could go see my previously mentioned best friend. Thanks sibs, sure needed more guilt.
Now that she is at the nursing home, they are there very nearly every day. Super children at this point! Should I just suck it up and go over there more often. She has told me that she doesn't really care anyway. She has completely stopped eating and drinking, but that has been going on for at least 2 months. How long can someone hang on without eating anything at all? She says she just wants to die and go be with my dad. I do understand that he treated her like a queen her whole life and waited on her hand and foot and loved her with everything in him. I just want her to go to sleep and not wake up. Why can't life give us a break and let that happen. Maybe God is just giving Dad a break for a while. He passed in Aug of 2021. I miss him every minute of every day.
I don't know if I even have a question. Maybe just need to vent. Am I going to feel guilty forever if I don't go more often? She pretty much refuses to talk to me anyway.
I had a beautiful relationship with my mom and still hated visiting her at the nursing home. She seemed happy to see me sometimes but other times I could tell she just wanted me to leave so she could go back to sleep. I think once they've decided they are ready to leave this earthly plane there isn't much anyone can do to give them that will to stick around, no matter how much they may or may not love us. I think there is a certain amount of selfishness that comes into play when people are sick or dying and know they only have a short time left. The effort it takes to sound and look interested or happy to see someone is probably in short supply. I wouldn't take it personally.
Don't feel guilty. Go when you are able.
My siblings would visit mom every time she went into the hospital or rehab but hardly visited her at all during the time she lived with me.
As for not eating, my mother was never a big eater and as she aged she barely ate. She claimed that she wasn’t hungry. Some older people seem to lose their appetites.
My mother was skin and bones but lived to be 95. So, who knows how long your mother will last not eating very much.
I don’t think that you should force yourself to go to the nursing home any more than you are if you don’t want to. Go when you feel like it. You don’t have to stay long. She has your siblings and an entire staff looking after her.
You sound like you may be a bit depressed. Use this time away from her to do something fun just you.
We can’t ever get back the time we lost being full time caregivers. You do have now. Time is precious, so don’t waste it. The past is gone. You have today.
You don’t have to have a question to chat on this forum. Lots of people have come here only to vent. So go ahead and vent if you need to.
One thing that I would do when I wanted to express my feelings was to journal my thoughts. It helped. Start anywhere and work through your emotions.
Finally, if you feel that you are stuck, look for a licensed therapist to help you move forward in your life.
Best wishes to you. Take care.
Please stop torturing yourself. (((Hugs)))).
Maybe others have had a different experience. Maybe their parent wasn't as disabled (my mother was blind, immobile, and unable to initiate communication of any kind - though she could hear and understand). Maybe their NH was staffed appropriately. Etc. But based on what I have read in the papers and on various forums, and what others have shared with me, my mother's experience of "institutional neglect" was not unique.
I could write a lengthy book about everything that happened, and everything I saw - I would call it: "Crime Story: The warehousing of America's elderly." Fortunately, Susie Singer Carter is making a film: "No Country for Old People" - the trailer is available on YouTube.
p.s. I would have taken my mother out had it been financially feasible, but she had a policy with them for care for the rest of her life - no matter how long she lived. That was irreplaceable - so my compromise was to be there a lot, during core hours. I also set up technology so I could change her TV, music and radio from my smart phone.
Oh, and by the way...she has not "completely stopped eating and drinking for the last 2 months". That's just her manipulation tactics she's using to guilt you for "putting her in such a place." In general, the human body can go without water for 2-3 days and without food for 30-40 days. Check her drawers and cupboards for snacks and don't rely on HER to tell you the truth.
My mother was "dying" and/or playing the I'm waiting to die game for decades with me. She lived to 95. She also "wasn't eating a thing" just barely managing to hang onto her 185 lb figure the entire time. 🙄
You're being played. Let your siblings take over the steering wheel now.
Sounds like a good compromise to me.
Think about what would hit the right balance, if 1 x week is not.
Less = feelings of guilt.
More = damage your own neeeds. If not physically, what I call 'emotional hangover'.
Mom has her needs met. Your visit is a little social addition. Maybe something she looks forward to..? Can discuss the week. Think of it like a gift. It's the quality, not the quantity that matters. One pleasant hour is better than three drawn out awkward ones.
I've met folk that are all day or multi day a week visitors. That's ok. That suits them & their relationship. My MIL would sit all day with her husband if he was in hospital.
My DH dislikes visits & so do I. We pop in & leave.
Sometimes bringing a 'prop' can help ASA talking point. A book or photos to show, a bunch of flowers, a slice of cake etc.
I think you need to examine your own feelings and where they might be coming from. I would suggest a couple of therapy sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private practice for therapy (they are often best at life transitions work).
There is truly no reason for this other than you are not allowing yourself to be happy. You seem to want to believe life is still punishing you when in fact it is showering you with bunches of roses. Do you think you don't deserve it.
As to GUILT, unless you are an evil felon who made your Mom not only ill but made her a pain in the bottom, unless you caused her illness and take delight in it, guilt isn't for you.
The word is grief. Grief that your Mom is ill and helpless. Grief that no matter how hard you try no one acknowledges that you are an A-OK daughter. Grief that your siblings let you down when you needed them, and hey now there they are! GRIEF. Pure and simple.
Not everything can be fixed, can be dressed up in a pretty gown and made palatable. Some things just are awful. And have to be endured.
As to that newfound freedom, please, for the love of heaven, embrace it. It is time to stop telling everyone the awful story; it's over. YOU FIXED IT! Break out the champagne (and call me when it's uncorked).
Time to look either for a job that you would enjoy to keep yourself busy, or do volunteer work that you would love doing. You earned the right to re-start your life.