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His parents have traveled the world and were snowbirds for seven years. They were not caretakers of their own parents. Now they are elderly and call my husband over several times a week for assistance, mostly with banking and technology problems. Sometimes I feel he is summoned over for the most simple tasks just for the company. We are also their only source of entertainment/socialization. He happily does and calls his mom everyday. We plan outings and take them out to eat. They come over to our house and just hang out while he works from home.
He has asked me to retire or cut my clientele in half so that we can travel. I have agreed but feel he is creating a unnecessary level of dependency both practically and socially to allow travel. When I try to talk to him about encouraging independence as long as possible, he gets very defensive and I come off looking like the selfish bad guy. He is the only child available to provide care.
When either of us bring up travel, his mom gets very uncomfortable and begins asking how long we’ll be gone.
Do I just need to be supportive and sacrifice the life they were able to enjoy at our age?

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#1 Husband and you book trip.
#2 You take time off for trip.
#3 You inform parents of departure and return dates. Tell, don’t ask. Minimize discussion.
#4 Together you leave on trip.
#5 Observe parental fallout. When you return, how did they manage?

If you do not take the trip because of them, then surely he will have to acknowledge the problem. Big, ugly talk needed.

Ever ask them how their own parents coped while they were gallivanting about?
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I'm going to answer your last question first..."Do I just need to be supportive and sacrifice the life they were able to enjoy at our age?" The answer to that is NO you do not sacrifice your life for theirs. His parents had their life, now it's time for you and your husband to have yours. You've earned it!
It's actually very selfish of his parents to think otherwise.
Until you and your husband are on the same page I would certainly not retire or cut your clientele in half, only to find yourself now at his parents beck and call as well.
Time for an honest, heart to heart talk with your husband and be open about your concerns. They are valid, and are not selfish. It's his parents who are selfish and perhaps even your husband if he's willing to put them before you and your future together as husband and wife.
I wish you the very best in getting hubby on the same page.
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Monicaseeks2 May 2023
Thank you for your post, yes! I also want to emphasize that be STEER CLEAR from their “shower of love” do increases over time, wanting the child to keep coming and taking care of them. It is a common blindsided efforts which could be overlooked because of the positivity. “Sugarcoating” approach is greatly used since they have nothing left anymore but to give everything to their child. “Mama’s boy concept” as well. Be aware and act sooner before living-in residency becomes something they think of doing..
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Oh Dear.

Married to a loving, dedicated to family guy. A great guy.
You married him - not his parents. Four in a marriage is way too crowded.

The loving family, yet enmeshed, parents becoming needier with aging. This happens. Just wait until real illness strikes too! He moves them in without your say.. or goes to be their live-in man-servant.

Occasionally I get whiffs of this cake being prepared... you have that cake already cooked, decorated & plated up! Served daily. Forever. Or..

Marriage counselling. Stat.

Husbands sometimes need a third party to explain the facts of life. That choosing parents over wife = a single man.
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No, you do not.

Be very careful. You're already providing a level of socialization and entertainment that they could provide for themselves. Why don't they? Probably because husband is always ready, they know he'll satisfy their every need. This will get worse.

You could have an honest conversation with the parents and tell them that more travel is in your future. "But what will WE do?" they will say. And you say that maybe they'd enjoy life in a retirement community to fill the gap that you're no longer able to fill for them. Frankly, I don't see why they'd be happy hanging out at your house so often. Or why they wouldn't want to have friends their own age to have fun with.

It isn't selfish to want the best for yourself. If you wait for parents to die before you travel, you may never go. They could outlive you! Or you could be too sick to go - it only takes a heart attack or a stroke to stop ease of travel.
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"He is the only child available to provide care."

Where are your H's siblings?

You do know that your H doesn't have to be available to provide care, either, right? Is part of the plan that you retire so that you can help him provide an increasing amount of care to his parents?
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DrBenshir May 2023
If they have money to travel, they have money to hire help and pay for transportation to do things locally too.
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News flash! Your husband (and you, to a certain extent) has ALREADY created a dependency. Too late to put that toothpaste back in the tube! Those old folks have trained him (and you have gone along with it, make no mistake) to be “ the solution.” Reversing course, backing off, is going to be like ripping a bandage off. Yes, if you do what you want to do, there will be outrage and hurt feelings from Old Folks, and probably tension (or worse) with your husband. But if you don’t get out of this terrible situation, YOUR outrage, resentment, and tension will build up. Take your pick.

I’m fairly sure there won’t be a win-win here, but to other readers, let this be a cautionary tale: start heading off any clinging parental behavior EARLY ON (like, maybe, the minute you get married!) Don’t start doing things you don’t want to do, period. Deflect. Go Gray Wall. Learn to say, “Sorry, can’t do that!”
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Do not cut your clientele hours. You will need those funds for your own retirement and care someday.

You got married, so you married into a family that has problems that can be managed. It's up to you to set your rules.

I remained single, mostly because of my own disability problems. I may have to live alone, but I do not have to get into trouble dealing with in-laws.
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First ask your husband if you do retire will he have time to travel to will it be spent caregiving for his parents. Tell him that you are happy to help out his parents to an extent but you will not be retiring to make caregiving the focus of your live. His parents got to have a fun retirement and you deserve one too. You don't want to be the bad guy here but you need a clear picture of what your retirement is shaping up to be. A hard discussion is in order.
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I would suggest that you and your husband meet with a counsellor for a short time. Tell your hubby that since both of your lives are changing, you would like some help in deciding on what your new lifestyle will become. If you come across as this is "my problem," he will probably be more likely to engage. Use the time to discuss all the things you and your hubby would like to to do as well as what both of your current commitments are. Allow the counsellor to help navigate the thorny issue of "his parental commitment" versus his commitment to you.
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I believe in family, in being loving and supportive. I went to see my MIL and after she passed my FIL almost every week to the end of their lives, even though I was divorced from her son and we were both remarried. That is what we do for people we love.

Set up a weekly dinner with them. Bring it over or take them out. Make the time to help with their little problems either before or after. Lots of hugs and see you next week. Daily phone calls to check in are fine, but daily visits mean they are no longer able to be independent. It may be time to look for a change of living arrangements for his parents, and NOT into your home.
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Beatty May 2023
Love your approach :
Loving AND common sense.
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