I am in my 60's, retired early because I was overseeing my Mom's needs.
Our family was close, but since my Mother's death a couple of years ago, my relationship with my two siblings is almost non-existent. I keep trying to reach out to them. One sibling and his wife have an attitude that they don't want to bother with anyone else's issues. The other sibling is handling his life, but now spends most of his time with his son who has stopped working.
I am single, no children, no close relatives anymore, and no close friends. I've tried joining groups, but every time there is an event, I back out. I have no interest in much these days. I've thought about getting part time work, but haven't tried hard enough. I've been shut up in my home the last year due to Covid. I basically sit in my recliner, watch TV or surf the net, and take naps all day. That's the extent of my life.
The past few years I have ALWAYS been the one to initiate getting together with relatives or friends. I can't take much more of this. I don't know what else I can do.
Like you, I have felt lonely and isolated and abandoned because of my decision to care for MIL.
I chose to reach for happiness through Jesus. I go through my day expressing gratefulness for every little thing; thank you God for this coffee, it sure tastes good! Thank you God for this sunshine, it is so beautiful! Thank you God for this rain, it is so refreshing! Thank you God for my family memories, I sure had a good time when I was six...
At first, it is hard, because my heart was breaking. I felt I had lost so much.
But after awhile, I lost sight of the loss, and happiness crept back in. Soon, I was able to experience the "peace that passes all understanding" and "His unspeakable joy!"
It is kinda like Peter walking on water. As long as his eye was on Jesus, he did it! When Peter started thinking about his circumstances, he sank.
When your eye is on Jesus, you'll see more clearly the path you should take. A path that will lead to fulfillment, happiness, and purpose.
All this down time, there's no way anyone would ever earn that back, so the job description is a laundry list of what they need from several roles and they aren't even offering the payscale of a single role. I'm not going to promise to do it all, when it's obvious the position they are trying to fill has been recycled for decades. Some of these job descriptions they've been using and editing for years on end. Too funny, the local government attached a pdf for the job description to be downloaded. Someone was too lazy to clear the metadata of the original pdf. Turns out a county in FL, USA, several open positions that are temporary hires, have outright stolen the entire job description from another county in TN, USA. All they did was change the county name and logo.
that’s another thing I would suggest - exercise is the best medicine. Just adding a daily walk will give you some much needed joy. Don’t give up. You are in a rut and this will pass but you need to make an effort to step out of it. If you can afford counselling it will be beneficial.
Feeling a little down is normal. Unless it is necessary, avoid adding your name to the millions on anti-depressive medications, which may dull your emotions (and potentially make you feel worse overall) while at the same time causing a litany of side effects.
Don’t despair! Your future friends are out there, waiting to meet you and feeling lonely too.
Forget about the siblings and relatives that haven’t extended any return invitations. You’ve made your effort there- apparently this isn’t the greatest “investment” of your time - so let that go, while feeling satisfied, knowing you’ve done your best. Lots of us have found that once the bond that held us together (our parents) is gone, we really don’t have that much in common with our siblings.
Rather than joining groups to meet people, join groups because you love the underlying activity. That way, you’ll meet the “right” people for you who share the same interests. If you feel like you’ve already done this, keep trying. Focus on the activity (not the people) and the friends will fall into place.
Remember to appreciate the gift of time alone. There are many people reading your question who may be envious of your ability to have the time for a good book or your ability to control the remote. (I haven’t been able to “really” choose a program for about 18 years-during normal “waking” hours). There are plenty of horrible marriages, abusive parent-adult child relationships and overscheduled calendars. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but don’t forget it is nice and green (to everyone else) right where you’re standing.
This is the perfect time to reinitiate life: start a book club, create an urban hiking club, or revitalize a bunko group in the neighborhood. If you organize others, you will be part of their loneliness solution.
if you don’t have a pet, they can be wonderful and entertaining companions!
Personally I have found it very rewarding to work on charity projects in my community. (These will fill your calendar fast)! When life has fully reopened, there will be no shortage of schools and shelters, religious institutions, and even hospitals that would appreciate your time and talents. In the meantime, drop off dinner to someone undergoing surgery or newly mourning. It will make you (and them) feel better.
So I understand what others glibly call depression here. All the wise expressions in the world (let go and let god, grant me the wisdom to know the difference, etc.) do nothing to lift the crushing burden of sad memories and of being born into a dysfunctional family. There *are* functional families - - I've seen them in action. But mine is a far cry, a muffled whimper, from how things could have or should have been.
I agree with another here that moderate exercise can help, though. As for drugs, I don't know that course but imagine you're on them for the rest of your life, which doesn't sound like a solution. I also agree with others who say get *involved* in something out there -- a p/t job, volunteering, etc. For sure you have the right to be happy. From what you've said here, you've earned it.
You say you want to join events but then"back out". Sometimes the brain does not allow us to fulfill our desires (pysically or psychologically). Then you feel guilt and more depressed because you backed out and feel defeated. I think if you see a doctor and let some meds "kick in" you will be in a better frame of mind to start exercising or attending events. If you are adverse to taking meds, think of it as a temporary fix...until you feel more like yourself then see if your and doctor can wean off.
Reaching out on this forum means that you want help. We all need help and human connection! This is a supportive community of caring people.
There are lots of places in the community where you can go. I love my library and go there to read the newspapers, browse the new books, and borrow movies and music. Talk to the librarian about your interests and they can help you discover a whole new world. Maybe interacting one-on-one is less of a commitment than groups right now.
Learning something new can help. Check your local paper for businesses that offer classes in something that piques your interest. Pottery? Painting? Jewelry making?
Do you have a pet? If not, do you want a pet?? If you can't have a pet, volunteering at an animal shelter is rewarding.
Make an effort every day to be kind to yourself and treat yourself well. Go for a walk. Take a bubble bath. Have a cup of herbal or fruit tea before bed. Finding little bits of pleasure in doing ordinary things for yourself because you are the most important person in your life!
In the meantime, do things to connect with others that ARE ready to connect. Get a part time job that you would enjoy. Find a group people with similar interests and meet with them. Maybe consider meeting with a counsellor if you feel "stuck". Maybe try out going to a worship service.
That will probably help lift some of the depression. If it doesn't then you should go see someone about depression.
I had no idea the actor Matthew McChonaughey was giving inspirational speeches but he has a knack for it. It's only 5 minutes long. He says that while achieving a fulfilling life is difficult, there are some first steps we can take.
When I was at my lowest point during caregiving, I watched many motivational/inspirational seminars. Even if I couldn't achieve all the things these successful people were talking about, I got a big mental boost from watching the videos and started crawling back towards life. Can you put something uplifting on? Humans are amazing and we can come back from darn near anything.
You may need medication, or supplements, for physical or psychiatric symptoms and reaching out for help determining that would be a good first step, too.
1. Give medication time to work.
2. Do simple exercise like walking each day.
3. Write out on paper what you would like your life to look like. Read it every week.
4. Do something for yourself; new shoes; new haircut; new bedding, etc..
5. Push yourself to go to one social event. Reward yourself afterwards…even if you had a miserable time.
6. Get involved in a job or volunteer program where you are helping others less fortunate.
7. Remember that isolation is not healthy for your mind.
I know these seem overwhelming when you are alone and in the routine of little contact with the outside world. It’s so much easier to give into depressive thoughts than to go out. Just do one of the seven a day (well… take any meds daily!). If I can do this… anyone can. I’m already so impressed that you reached out on this forum! I’m excited to hear back from you! You can do this! Warmly ~ Sunny ☀️
You really should see a therapist to help you move forward - if you have a computer you may be able to telehealth it - baby steps. You need to take care of yourself because you are worth caring for. Take some time to pamper yourself. Just sitting on my deck in the shade reading makes me feel better.
I spent most of the last year trying to get back to quilting and reading but I admit other than that I did very little.
Maybe after you feel better you can have a better relationship with your siblings - keep the door open.
May you be blessed.
Will it take some hard work on your part? You betcha! But it will be so worth it when you make the effort.
Only you can make the changes needed to improve your life, not your brothers. They have their own lives to worry about.
So get out of your recliner, call your Dr. to make an appointment for your depression, or schedule appt. with therapist(or both), and get out there and start enjoying your life. Life is way too short and precious, to waste it staying in your house all day.
Once you get to feeling more like your old self with medication and some therapy, there will be no stopping you. Wishing you happy trails ahead.
As for making your life more interesting. Only you can change this. I'm in the same boat in a way. I have a spouse but he's not my world. A lot of times we have different ideas of what is entertaining. We're not attached at the hip and sometimes I need to pursue my own interests. Sometimes it's just a matter of trial and error. Try something and if it doesn't float your boat, try something else. Sometimes something may not sound like your cup of tea but after a while you may grow to like it. I know covid restrictions makes this harder but hopefully these will lifted soon.
Good luck!
interest in anything, sitting all day. You must pull yourself up and see your doctor to describe your situation and feelings. Get on an antidepressant knowing it will take 3-4 weeks to show results. But you will begin to feel better. But also you MUST include some sessions of talk therapy along with that. Better days are ahead if you make the first steps. Right now depression is crippling any desire to change. I’ve been there and can attest to the power of doing both. We care. Please know life can improve. Then you can join groups and make contacts and friends. This is where a therapist can help you. Hugs
I would not start with medication, but definitely look into therapy. I am not against medication, my personal preference is to look at other options first. I have struggled with depression in the past, so I have personal experience.
One thing I did earlier this year, which was a big risk for me was to reach out via social media to a woman I went to school with. I had not seen her since the mid ‘80’s. But I could see that we have some interests in common.
We meet 2-3 times a month and go on a 3-5km walk. The fresh air, the beautiful location and non judgmental company has done wonders for me.