I heard my mother gossip about me to my brother and it really hurts. Advice?

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I heard my mother gossip about me to my brother and it really hurts. Advice?

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Go.. hire a caregiver to come in once a day or whatever her doctors think is okay and go..

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Brings to mind the McCartney tune, "Live and Let Die"

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Yes, when you think about it. We are all dying. We will all die one day!

They lived their lives, often without caring for their parents.

We deserve to live our lives.

I have always been a Lennon fan. I will add ‘Imagine’ to your ‘Live and Let Die.’ 😊

(4)

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You won’t find joy or be at peace until you are on your own living your own life.

You have been blinded by the pain but you aren’t crippled.

You many have stumbled a bit but you still have enough strength to rise up and walk away.

Don’t invest anymore into a broken relationship. It’s useless.

It’s emotionally and physically draining to continue to bang your head against their brick wall.

Begin to value yourself. You are free to make decisions that are best for you.

Grieve for the relationship that you longed for but never had.

Dare to dream. Don’t expect perfection. Life will never be perfect.

It’s impossible for everyone to like you. Stop caring what people think, whether it’s family or others.

Care most about what is right for you.

You cannot be your best if you are running on fumes. It’s time to refuel and carry on.

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THANK YOU NHWM, for posting this. It sure can apply to all of us at times. Even in our times of need, i just found out i have pneumonia and heart problems and i just turned 66. Your precious words hit me between the eyes and i have written them down so i can see them each day and be encouraged! Again, thank you and have a blessed Merry Christmas 🎄🎁. Liz

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I am sure you are doing a wonderful job taking care of your mother. Although she's not expressing it, I'm sure she loves you and is grateful. Her behavior is very common and typical for the elderly, as she is losing her independence. Just like a teenager, we "don't like" the people we depend on because we want our independence. As her life gets harder for her, she will have more to complain about. Bad moods, criticisms, exaggerations, demands, jealousy, being self-righteous, child-like behaviors . . . these can all be expected. It's a shame for everyone. You have to consider if you have the personality to cope with her or not.

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If you have taken time to read thru the whole thread, then you would know the OP’s mother is a narcissist. She will never change, so this OP is going to. She will have many moments of self doubt, but then again, she is hurt and fed up with her moms actions since she was a young child and will move far away and live her own life!!

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Get out NOW! Why are you there? Because you hope to get a few crumbs of affection from this deteriorating corpse? There is nothing but pain and sorrow ahead if you stay. We see this a lot in this group, one child sacrifices herself, allows others to treat her poorly, does all the work caring for horrible parent. It never changes. You are dealing with narcissistic people. Think about what you want. Dream BIG! Get a therapist to help you change your opinion of yourself, understand why you allow yourself to remain with toxic family. It is similar to being an abused wife who can't leave abusive spouse. Start packing. Best of luck.

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I did not mean to click on this as a helpful answer.

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I know how it goes. I am the only child of five who has my parents living with me and my husband....my mom complains non stop . It is pretty disheartening when all you are doing is trying to help them and all they do is complain and find everything bad with you. probably the only reward is in heaven if you believe in that because it sure isn't here.

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What would happen if you just walked away? Could you do it? Sounds like your mother is doing well enough at the moment for you to leave. Tell sibs that Mom is doing fine and that you need a mental health break. Tell everyone you will stay in touch. Make a list of all the essentials like doctor numbers, lists of meds, bank accounts, etc. Then follow through. My MIL is similar. Hurts my wife regularly but because her mom is in AL she can walk away when necessary. You can't. During your sabbatical check on AL facilities. At a point your mother can no longer take care of herself place her in AL. Life is not fair. Don't wait for your sibs or mother to change. You only have one life. You may still want to, or need to, be an advocate for your mother. But if she has not given you POA then that responsibility should fall on the person who has it. This is my humble opinion but it is your life. I realize it is easier to say than do. Good luck.

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Nothing would happen. She is Ok for now. She has recovered from the surgery. What happens in a few months? Who knows? Her cancer may come back. There is huge chance it will. That’s what her oncologist told me. Cancer can come back in different parts or worse spread.

Me moving out is what I am going to do, but even though I have savings it is still hard to do and it’s scary. Specially doing it in a hurry. But I have to do it.

(7)

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I had this happen, too. Overheard my mom speaking to her sister. She made it sound as if I was living at their home because I had nowhere else to go! (I gave up an overseas assignment that I loved to come home and care for my parents). I was hurt!

Fast forward to today...I am moving out. I tried...my sister thought they needed 24/7 care. They do not. When they do they will need to go to a facility.

I will live 10 min away. I will still cook dinner and transport to doctor visits, do grocery shopping...but then I will leave!!

Good luck!!

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Same experience with my mother telling all I came to her house (across the country) because I had nowhere else to go. In reality, I I lived in L.A. and after a divorce couldn't afford my L.A. apartment by myself - my mother is on the east coast in a city totally unfamiliar to me. I only went there for what was supposed to be two months to downsize her, but it turned into hell years of her telling me and everyone who listened how rotten I was no matter how much I did for her and ignored my own life completely.

Congrats on getting out! Wishing you all the best. And hope the original poster is helped by seeing the same advice over and over....

(6)

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I cared for my mom for 15 years before a medical crisis brought out the bat guano crazy in my sisters. Suddenly, I was incapable of caring for her properly. I had arranged for her care, accompanied her to all her doctor visits, made sure she had the info to make her own medical decisions, did her laundry, ran her errands, took her shopping - everything. The staff thought Mom had only one child. The main sister, whom I'll nickname BCS, led an attack on me with my mother at the nursing home. Our relationships began to tatter. It was so bad that the staff were pulling me aside in the hallway and asking if I was okay. Not my mother - me.

I never fooled myself into thinking I was ever Mom's favorite, though I was the most reliable. Mom, BCS, and the other sisters (aka, "The Harpies") were holding bull sessions in her room, talking about me. The staff told me several times, "We hear what's going on in there, and it ain't right. It just ain't right." It became horribly difficult to care for Mom, as the Harpies created such a hostile environment in her room that the staff didn't want to tend to Mom. They did their job, but the sitting on the bed and just conversing with Mom stopped. The Harpies began ordering medical care and butting into her care without going through me, her POA. They bullied me and the staff, and there was little I could do because Mom liked the attention she was getting.

I asked the administration for advice, as I was sure they'd seen similar dysfunctional families before. The dean of nurses and the head administrator looked at each other, and then shared their experiences of elderly family members who - knowingly or unknowingly - played family members off each other in order to remain the focus of attention. That explained why I'd hear one story from Mom and another story from BCS. Mom was setting us against each other because she wanted our focus. And since BCS had been a bully over me since childhood, and her loyal sidekick as well, BCS had no problem engaging into Mom's manipulation. BCS probably had guilt issues for ignoring Mom for so long, and instead of handling it in a healthy way, lashed out at me. The eventual result was my cutting off communication from four of my seven sisters, except for text messages in case of emergency. I don't talk to them and their emails are on automatic delete. It's healthier for me that way. (They eventually gained control over Mom and dictated every single one of her medical decisions until she died. Those control issues!)

So, long story short, your mother may be doing something similar. I can't tell you want to do, but a serious discussion with your brother may be needed. If he can't care for her, then between the two of you, you may be able to find a companion or caregiver for her.

I still bear the scars of that event. If I had it to do all over again, I would have cut Mom loose a lot sooner. In my case, the Harpies wanted control over her. I don't know about your brother.

Good luck and God bless.

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I cared for my mom for 15 years before a medical crisis brought out the bat guano crazy in my sisters. Suddenly, I was incapable of caring for her properly. I had arranged for her care, accompanied her to all her doctor visits, made sure she had the info to make her own medical decisions, did her laundry, ran her errands, took her shopping - everything. The staff thought Mom had only one child. The main sister, whom I'll nickname BCS, led an attack on me with my mother at the nursing home. Our relationships began to tatter. It was so bad that the staff were pulling me aside in the hallway and asking if I was okay. Not my mother - me.

I never fooled myself into thinking I was ever Mom's favorite, though I was the most reliable. Mom, BCS, and the other sisters (aka, "The Harpies") were holding bull sessions in her room, talking about me. The staff told me several times, "We hear what's going on in there, and it ain't right. It just ain't right." It became horribly difficult to care for Mom, as the Harpies created such a hostile environment in her room that the staff didn't want to tend to Mom. They did their job, but the sitting on the bed and just conversing with Mom stopped. The Harpies began ordering medical care and butting into her care without going through me, her POA. They bullied me and the staff, and there was little I could do because Mom liked the attention she was getting.

I asked the administration for advice, as I was sure they'd seen similar dysfunctional families before. The dean of nurses and the head administrator looked at each other, and then shared their experiences of elderly family members who - knowingly or unknowingly - played family members off each other in order to remain the focus of attention. That explained why I'd hear one story from Mom and another story from BCS. Mom was setting us against each other because she wanted our focus. And since BCS had been a bully over me since childhood, and her loyal sidekick as well, BCS had no problem engaging into Mom's manipulation. BCS probably had guilt issues for ignoring Mom for so long, and instead of handling it in a healthy way, lashed out at me. The eventual result was my cutting off communication from four of my seven sisters, except for text messages in case of emergency. I don't talk to them and their emails are on automatic delete. It's healthier for me that way. (They eventually gained control over Mom and dictated every single one of her medical decisions until she died. Those control issues!)

So, long story short, your mother may be doing something similar. I can't tell you want to do, but a serious discussion with your brother may be needed. If he can't care for her, then between the two of you, you may be able to find a companion or caregiver for her.

I still bear the scars of that event. If I had it to do all over again, I would have cut Mom loose a lot sooner. In my case, the Harpies wanted control over her. I don't know about your brother.

Good luck and God bless.

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Agree with all you say, especially the last part about getting out sooner rather than later. Two years later and I'm still dealing with the scars....

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This post starts off sounding as though out of the blue mom said something to your brother that hurt your feelings. Later in post you indicate you've told her many times that you/she have had conversations about your feelings of not being appreciated. Clearly she knows you don't like the smell of that particular food, a point you have probably made to her, so she's not really talking behind your back. She plans to cook it whether you like it or not - and - I guess it is her home. Is there a way to cook it and exhaust the smell from the house - a fan turned the wrong way in a window will blow air out the window instead of creating a breeze in the house.

Although mom had health issues, does she still require 24-7 care from you. If not, move out.

From another perspective, perhaps she sweet talks the other siblings to try and get them to pay more attention to her. It is often those who aren't actively involved that the parent will focus on as a means to have a reason for them to stop by. As in, pick up food that she cooks for them.

It seems to me that you expect mom to praise you for being there and in all actuality she may just be trying to get more of her children to be there as well.

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Her issues go beyond smelly food. Far, far beyond smelly, gross food!

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THIS is why we do what we do because the dementia and Alzheimers and what have to makes them into a whole different someone we never knew or would care to know... just remember her as she was when you looked UP to her and forgive her at Christmastime--- as Jesus said so perfectly as HE died on the cross for her sins as well as all of us--- that they know NOT what they do. And they really don't. SO--- surprise her and bring her some really nice flowers and a box of chocolates and make her favorite herb tea. And put a genuine Smile on your face and just be the you -- you really are. And remember the rest of your family could not do this in a million years... pride goeth... and goeth. Be well this Christmas-- remember Baby Jesus-- remember how your grandparents loved you and how kind they were and are. And privately---Give up your ashes for that Beauty ! You'll be surprised... and JOY will fill your heart.

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DugganB, Jesus died on the cross. OP has no wish to be crucified herself. JOY is NOT filling her heart, and mother knows full well what she is doing.

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Time to hit the road, as this little glimpse reveals plenty not favorable. If resources permit it, I would gather my things and settle somewhere else. The old adage: “better alone than in bad company” has served me well. The reality of it all is that the title of family has very little to do with the quality of its members, brother against brother, wife against husband, grudges and ill feelings, etc. There are places where you feel part, where love reigns above all else, and then there are even mansions where no one feels welcome, or safe. Mama has a mean streak, likes to stir the pot in negative ways, does not acknowledge efforts performed in her behalf? If she can spread trash then she is in fighting shape, not the nicest of company. Assuming you are indeed the aggrieved party, do not let anyone deter you from the path of righteousness. Being right is only half the battle in these cases, bye bye birdie the other half. Best of everything.

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Sounds like my mother-in-law. She always talks about me to my oldest son telling him how his dad would get to travel if it weren't for me, blah, blah. Funny thing is, she would never have gotten a single card or present over the years if it weren't for me. Little does she realize that the reason I hate to travel is because her son is so miserable to travel with. He is an only child and we joke that she thinks he was born in a manger and was perfect until he married me.

Honestly, I don't give a rat's butt what she thinks or says. She's as sweet as she can be to my face, but I know what she really thinks. So, I will, of course, see that she is taken care of as she declines in health, etc., and if she only knew, it's a good thing it isn't left up to her son to do anything.

Oh, and BTW, you need to tell your brother to take over her care and get out while you can and live your own life. Don't put up with bullying.

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Tell her, Granny!

Like your style!

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... Your mother is "toxic". Another word for it is "narcissistic." Possibly you grew up under this type of parental behavior? If you did, please consider taking a look at Jonice Webbs CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect). It can greatly help increase emotional vision advancing from dim to distinct. It did for me. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone! The hills are alive with the sound of music, too! In it all would come forward into focus remembering the Old Testament story of Joseph whose brothers threw him in the well to die. Despite the trials and challenges Joseph suffered through, God's plan was still greater than Joseph's emotional and physical traumas. Joseph came out on top, a ruling administrator of Egypt. Joseph resolved his inner turmoil with love's forgiveness. Not the counterfeit-type of forgiveness that overlooks a matter, marching into it again and again -- that leads to unhealthy psychological issues. The genuine forgiveness of love's action provides the freedom to establish healthy boundaries. There's a caution to be aware of in establishing those healthy boundaries: a stark, soul-stripping revelation cradled in personal acceptance that a family relationship is hollow, lacking meaningful substance. And, this realization and acceptance is good. It is joy's re-calibration in how to love these blood-related members. And, sometimes, it is to genuinely love by discontinuing the harmful charade where the elephant in the room has been lovingly exorcised, like Joseph did. Like we can do, too.

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Joseph kicked fairly hard before he 'lovingly exorcised' the 'elephant in the room'. A curious metaphor, that!

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Imho, I did see your update from 5 hours ago with your plans to move out. Best of luck. Prayers sent.

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Thank you
I will need all the luck and prayers I can get. She is moping downstairs doing nothing just sitting and I am in my bedroom. The atmosphere is very heavy.
How does one handle this? Not speaking

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It is painful, as I know from sad experience. My mother did the same thing to me. She would tell anyone who would listen how “abused” she was while I did everything but breathe for her. A social worker at her gerontologist’s office told me that it is not unusual for a person with dementia to be abusive to their caretaker while accusing them of the same.

Mom is now in memory care (accusing THEM of abuse now) and the people she complained to about me - mostly my siblings and their kids, a sister in law and a cousin - never go to see her or call her. I’m the one who takes her little gifts and homemade treats, pays her bills, does her holiday shopping, etc. I may never get the satisfaction of having her apologize, and my relationship with those relatives may never go back to what it was, but I am able to live with myself knowing I am not a liar or an abusive person. I didn’t sink to her level.

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"A social worker at her gerontologist’s office told me that it is not unusual for a person with dementia to be abusive to their caretaker while accusing them of the same."

It's easier said than done - to not take it personally and detach when it comes to a parent.

(8)

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Move out. You will never be appreciated and you are sacrificing so much of yourself that it will in the end harm you--your mental health, social life, future earnings and retirement income, and happiness all take a backseat to your Mom's needs. What matters is there is a perception of reality – – their false perception of reality.--that false perception of reality is their truth. You will never be able to show them the real truth. They don't want to hear it and they refuse to hear the truth. Don't allow your family to take you for granted. Nobody deserves that. You are the one who suffers--not them. Your priority is you! You will never be happy in that environment. You have no reason to feel guilty about your mother's care--you've done so much for her already. Set yourself free! Be you! Enjoy life!

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It is so hurtful, really. I have lived with my mom for almost 10 years (gave up my life in Greece and me and my SO are maintaining long distance).

i think it all depends on your family dynamic... I hear my mom talking about me sometimes to my brother and her (one remaining) friend. ☹️

But also, I know she’s frustrated and needs to vent. I have all my friends to unload on and she really only has a couple of people (at 87) and even in the best of situations people get frustrated with each other.

But when the s**t hits the fan she knows I’m the only one stepping up to take care of her. I just let her talk. Sometimes I have to follow up with people to tell my side of things. My friends and family know she’s old and a little out of it and the appreciate me and support me. So I’m super lucky.

I think it’s so very hard when we see people we looked up to change and become suspicious or unbalanced. I think it’s because they are scared and frustrated.

This is just my experience... I know I’m lucky mostly... There are so many of us caregivers dealing with way worse than my situation. God Bless You and hang in there ❤️

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One more thing, I’m 55 years old but when my mom disapproves of me or criticizes me I’m 12 or 14 years old again immediately. I’m really working on not letting her reactions/opinions dictate my life. Something to think about

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From your reply it sounds like your mum has issues that may not be related to dementia. My mother had bipolar (very downplayed) prior to the LBD and it definitely complicated everything. You need to put yourself first and work on distancing yourself from the toxicity. Good luck! x

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You aren’t alone.
Your mother doesn’t have the ability to speak her mind cordially so she talks behind your back.
You speak your mind to her and she cannot handle it.
You can either learn to accept it, and keep your serenity, or she can make other arrangements. You won’t be able to change her.

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Now you know what's she's been doing for your entire life ...
Typically that type of personality, will slander and insult their children behind their backs.
Usually, that covertly slanderous behavior exists for decades b/4 the target understands what his/her mother has been doing.

No matter the level of care and/or attention that you bestow upon your "mother," she will continue saying bad things about you.

Your brother is awful for not telling you sooner, which means he has been a part of your mother's gossip about you, for your lifetime.
Unfortunately, your "mother,"will never admit nor change her behaviors.

It's NOT you, it's ALL on HER
Now you know.

Maybe for more understanding, think back on your life to all situations where you would enter a room and the entire room hated you often b/4 you knew anyone, which is 100% normal for those raised by psychologically abusive mothers
So sorry, you've experienced that covert deliberate abuse.

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Great article on the 25 signs of a Covert Passive/Aggressive Narcissist. The 'covert' part is, in my opinion, the worst:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

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She is gaslighting you and taking advantage. You should look into other living arrangements. I'm sorry.

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You need to first look after yourself. Your mother is not mentally healthy and she is using you. She sounds narcissistic. You can say what you like to her, she is not going to change nor is she going to ask you to leave as you are doing what she wants.

What do you want for yourself?

My sister was the "good" person too and mother talked about me behind my back yet I was the one who helped her. Do what you have to to protect yourself and have a sane and peaceful existence. Nowhere is it written that you have to put up with this, You matter too

Take care of yourself (((((hugs)))))

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What I want for myself is to be away from here and her place. Far far away
Where she can never find me or contact me. I want to start living my life.
I really don’t want be near her. I leave the house in the morning and return at night so there is minimum contact.
Thank God that people like you and others here care. I have learned a lot and you all have helped me .

Thank you so much

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Im glad you are not home with her all day. Tell brother its time for someone else to do the caring. Your burned out and the constant snide remarks/talking about you can cease bc your no longer the caregiver. Now she can talk and complain about someone else.
Good luck

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She says she is well enough to take care of herself. I never talk to him anyway.
It is unbearable to be under the same roof with her.
She keeps wanting to talk and I ignore her and that really gets her angry.

(4)

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I wish we could be penpals, because i need someone to relate to. I'm am experiencing the EXACT same thing!

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Sure I sent you a private message

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my mom also had breast and colon cancer, and I helped her. I was in High School for her colon cancer, and I was an adult living out pf state when she had breast cancer, (and went down to Florida to help for a few weeks), but my dad was alive and helped her in both instances. About 9 yrs, after he died, she developed Alzheimer's. This once nice woman told me to "Drop dead and go someplace warm," over nothing. The 20th time she told me this, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I knew it was the Alzheimer's talking. I even wrote a book about my husband and I taking care of her: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." She also thought that we moved in with her, rather than the other way around. Maybe in your case too she is sick, rather than just insulting.

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My sick and insulting mother lives in a Memory Care Assisted living home where she pays others to put up with her. It's not for everyone to live with insulting, demanding and narcissistic elders. It can, and quite often should, be done from afar so SOME semblance of a relationship can be preserved and so the child's life can be preserved and saved as well.

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Please have patience with her. You are taking care of her because of what's in your heart. Let her say what she wants as she may not be able to help it. Tell her you just cant stand the smell of that dish and it makes you sick to your stomach.
Try not to confront her with anything especially if she has any dementia....it will only hurt her.
At some point when she is no longer around....you will be wishing to hear her voice say anything.....anything at all even if it is to refer to you as..."this one."
Don't walk out on her. You are definately not the bad person. You are the Good One.
Just keep going by whats in your heart and why you wanted to help her in the first place. You will never have another mother. You should be very proud of what you are doing. I am very proud of you.

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Oh her mother can help it. Please don't lay a guilt trip on the OP. Her mother does not have dementia. She does have Narcissistic Personality Disorder!! The OP has been abused by her mother all her life and you want her to stay and keep getting abuse?

Please read the other post before making a comment on what the OP should or should not do. Not all mothers are loving or kind nor do all mothers deserve the love & care from their kids!!!

Just my 2 cents!!!!

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Oh, honey, I can empathize!! I had the same experience. I stayed 5 years, working like you have, with two sisters never lifting a finger. I realized my mom was doing the same behavior, talking to the absent older sister (the golden child). I left within 2 months and have never regretted it--I gave the 2 sibs 2 months notice, and now it's gotten worse (as I understand via 'moles', as they won't communicate with me). I have worked through it, 2 years later, and am at complete peace with how it ended for me. I hope you will come to peace with yourself as well. I had GREAT therapist who helped me greatly, and am happy to share some of her wisdom.

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Hi
Did you just move without letting her know or did you tell her? I am afraid if I tell her she will try to sabotage or do something. Did you stay in the same town or city? I am thinking of moving to different state all together so I am away from all this. Every second feels like eternity staying here. I am on pins and needles. She was complaining about pain couple of days ago and today she is driving. All I want is to be away from here.

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I’m going through the same problem now with everyone else being wonderful while getting no gratitude for my around the clock work. But God sees and hears it all. My actions of caring speaks louder than words. Know that God is aware of your work.

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I heard my mother gossip about me to my brother and it really hurts. Advice?

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