Hubz was mostly bedbound, in diapers, had a feeding tube and catheter and had occasional vascular dementia. I took exceptional care of him but I also got exceptionally angry at him for forgetting stuff like keeping his hands out of his dirty diaper area while I changed him or wiping feces on the wall. Anything that gave me extra work. I lashed out verbally, not too often or I would be suicidal now but instead of being proud of how good a job I did, all I can remember is hollering at him. He was a sweet, wonderful man who deserved better and I am lucky that the short-term memory allowed him to forget my anger, which came mostly I think from exhaustion. We loved each other very much and truly I was not ready for him to pass.
and families that had their love ones become infect with covid 19 by the reckless action of their state governors by putting positive hospital patients into nurse homes and assisted living when these facilities had no PPE and nurse aid quitting. This is also for medical hospital staff, that when people infected from their homes were sent to these hospital their staff would write off these poor people knowing that when taken into nursing homes that the residence of these homes had underline condition they still wrote these poor senior off. This is a very solemn day for me it is my wife's birthday and I'm grieving for her and the over 60,000 that died because of our govement leaders.
PLEASE READ THIS POEM
Love is not something you see.
It's meaning everything to me
It's needing to have you in my life,
So much that I made you my wife.
Love is not something you hear.
It's always wanting to have you near.
It's needing to feel your lips each day
So much that no words could ever say.
Love is not something you taste.
It's never letting it go to waste.
It's needing to see you even when we fight,
So much or I'll miss you day and night.
Love is not something you touch.
It's knowing that you mean so much.
It's needing your skin when I'm in bed,
So much that you make me lose my head.
Love is not something you smell.
It's something that you're proud to tell.
It's needing to always make you smile,
So much that you make my life worth wild
Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/a-sense-of-lov
AnnandPaul1629 I know it's hard, but try to give yourself a break. The frustration, anger, and regret are real. I ask for forgiveness in my prayers each night and start the next day anew, hoping to do better. I allow myself 15 minutes for crying (in the shower) then try to focus on the positive for the rest of the day. I also keep a gratitude journal, which helps me focus on the positives instead of the negatives. It's a process, but I think we'll all get there one day where we think of our LHs in only the best of terms without beating ourselves up with "would've, could've, should've". Sending hugs your way.
OP,I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in February after being his caretaker for about two years. I too feel guilty sometimes about being a hardass on him at times. Had I known how close to death he was I might have been softer. But I took to heart what the doctors and nurses told me.
What helps me now are the memories of when we were first married and how much fun we had together.
My sister was my mother’s primary caretaker for 13 years. She still feels guilty about getting angry with Mom at times. But she knows she did the best she could.
You were there for him when he needed you. That’s all that matters.
Read this article. It's ok to cry whenever the grief hits you.
We are so hard on ourselves. We are human, doing the best we can.
❤
It takes all your strength and more.
May God give you peace and time to recover. Take good care of you!
Don't beat yourself up. Would you have wanted him to go on like that for a few more years? I know I wouldn't want that. You did what most of us spouses do/did. We take care of our loved one, despite being grossed out.
I took care of my husband for 10 years or so first with dementia then Alzheimer's. He mostly was docile, slept most of all day on his recliner, but in the beginning we went for walks and places. Later, it was just in his chair; he probably slept 18 hours a day. Finally, came the day I had to do IT. Find a place for him, as he got to wandering (you've all read this before, crossed 6 lanes of boulevard on a Sunday afternoon when there was hardly any traffic!). That was hard to do. He didn't get incontinent until he was in the AL; he began falling, 3 times there when he didn't fall at home, Hospitalized for all 3. Came back to the AL and Hospice was making up his room for safety when he had 3-4 strokes between his being showered and brought to his bed. While I hated to see him pass, I was relieved for him, as he would have had a more tragic death since he was prone to wandering at this stage, and very well could have walked into the street if the doors weren't locked. And, by the way, he hadn't know who I was for at least 4 years before his passing. Before he was in AL, I found him one day putting the house key in the ignition of the car (his keys were in the safe and mine in my purse); I knew it was almost time. His wandering up the boulevard was the straw that broke the camel's back. When he passed, as I was talking with him in the bed, I shed a few tears, but to this day, I couldn't shed a tear, barely at his memorial at the VA cemetery. In my heart I was glad that he had no more suffering, I didn't have to worry about him breaking down the door at the AL, or figuring out the button to push to get the hallway doors opened , as he was prone to do., and he could keep his pride when he soiled. We know when our spouses we've been married to many years (mine 58), should go, we don't want to accept that, but for their sake, we must think what is best for HIM/HER, not for us. Be brave, chin up, look around the house of memories, put all your pictures of you together on the wall, talk to them if you must, and remember only all the good things of your lives together. They are in a better place. Shed the rock on your shoulder of your words that may have hurt him. Maybe he didn't even know what you were saying or understand. Be kind to yourself. Hospice provided me with a counselor, and I didn't think I needed it. But, it helped me so much. I suggest the same for you. It will definitely help.
Yes, I yelled and I fussed. He would just smile. He was a brilliant man before his stroke and I loved him very much and he was very fastidious about his personal hygiene and grooming. So I tried very hard to maintain that. But things can get frustrating to say the least when you’ve cleaned them up, got them dressed for a doc apt, then have to do it all over again because of an accident. Anyone would get aggravated. Don’t beat yourself I’ve thought about all those times and wish I still had him here to do things for again. That’s 6 months out perspective. It’s part of the grieving process. He passed holding my hand. I’m sure he knew I loved him and your hubs did too. Take a little time and pat yourself on a job well done even if there were a few bumps in the road.
If there is any "there" there, your husband is only remembering that he loved you and that you took wonderful care of him and that, yes, he probably gave you a run for your money there for awhile. Any yelling you did in the process is long forgotten.
look for a group in your area.
and starting dates
you do not have to go to every single meeting
and you only speak if you want to
They sometimes offer a session called
surviving the holidays
and another for widows.
very helpful.
No matter how much you loved your husband, and it certainly sounds as if you both were blessed with a loving relationship, we all have our breaking points. I am sure you provided excellent care for him.
Think about the loving times you shared together.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is such a peculiar mix of feelings and all too often guilt sneaks in and complicates everything, especially our recovery.
Grief is the price of love. There is no timetable for it. Allow it; don't suppress it as it ebbs and flows.
So you lost patience at times. Forgive yourself those lapses. You are only human. But you were there for him, for better and for worse. How fortunate for you both you shared a love many only dream of!
Jane Osborne
.
Your husband lives in your heart. He will be with you in spirit for your anniversary.
It’s obvious how very much you loved him.
Considering the strain of constant demand and little appreciation (at the time) you have just been through, its amazing you weren't angry 'a Lot more often'.
Anger is how we push people back. A defense mechanism. Don't second guess yourself and punish yourself with guilt.
You were completely devoted.
And showed loyalty and care in a time when very few ever do. Read some of the conversations on other questions on the platform.
Most people advise institutionalizing the elderly when they lose control of their own health. And therefore life. Whether it be a spouse, a family member or a relative.
Rest secure in the knowledge that the Angels are taking care of him now.
And you need to take care of your health and be gentle with yourself
Dr Bach Rescue Remedy avail at any big pharmacy, market, or Amazon, used frequently, (rub onto perfume spots..behind ears & on inner wrists, and added to juice & water constantly) will help you keep your emotional balance. Its made from essence of flowers, no drugs, no side effects. And has been available for over 80 years now.
Its okay to feel relieved.
We are only human beings after all
Im sure he will be waiting by the door for you when you too cross over.
"Love is never seperated from itself for long"
Mother Theresa
If you feel you need more help, join a grief group like GriefShare during this first year of life without him.
One I use is this:
O my God! O Thou Forgiver of sins, Bestower of gifts, Dispeller of afflictions!
Verily, I beseech Thee to forgive the sins of such as have abandoned the physical garment and have ascended to the spiritual world. O my Lord, purify them their trespasses, dispel their sorrows and change their darkness into light. Cause them to enter the garden of happiness! Cleanse them with the most pure water! And grant them to behold Thy splendors on the loftiest mount."
I also thank God for having this person in my life and for the love and blessings I received from them. And, if I remember, I try to do something special for another person in the name of this loved one, honoring them by doing this.
Being able to take some positive actions for our loved ones helps me feel that love still and be thankful for it. Perhaps it would "atone" for your bouts of frustration and anger.
I hope this helps!