Hubz was mostly bedbound, in diapers, had a feeding tube and catheter and had occasional vascular dementia. I took exceptional care of him but I also got exceptionally angry at him for forgetting stuff like keeping his hands out of his dirty diaper area while I changed him or wiping feces on the wall. Anything that gave me extra work. I lashed out verbally, not too often or I would be suicidal now but instead of being proud of how good a job I did, all I can remember is hollering at him. He was a sweet, wonderful man who deserved better and I am lucky that the short-term memory allowed him to forget my anger, which came mostly I think from exhaustion. We loved each other very much and truly I was not ready for him to pass.
Like you, I had occasionally lost my temper and I had demanded to know why he couldn't avoid making messes. I often felt guilty close to the time and never stayed angry for long. We were able to cuddle and I would apologise, but then the next time something went wrong I would blow up again. My husband had also lost his short-term memory and he would forgive me each time,
My feeling of loss was compounded by the fact that the Covid restrictions had started and I was fearful of being with people. My friends who are also in the vulnerable category like I am couldn't be with me and so I wasn't able to have the hugs and comfort I would have liked. I was lucky enough to have a social worker who called me at intervals and just talked with me. She told me that feeling guilty was a very normal reaction from a bereaved spouse who had cared for their loved one, not everyone, of course, but it was a frequent enough reaction. I didn't believe her at first but eventually it has relieved some of my guilty feelings.
I still have days when I cry all day and feel guilt again but they are getting less often. I still say good morning or good night to him and yesterday I also said that I would try to do better and not break down again. Somehow that worked and I had a good day. I didn't want him to go when he did but I know he had been very brave in his last months. I couldn't have expected him to go through the ordeal that was his life any longer. I just wish that I had been allowed to go to the hospital and hold his hand in his last hours.
I have been going through some of our old travel photos and remembering the happy times we had together helps.
I hope that you are able to come through this difficult time and that eventually the feelings of guilt will recede and be replaced by your happy memories.
Many hugs to you.
Im sure the Angels are taking very good care of him now.
And he will be waiting for you when you pass over with open arms & a big smile.
Enjoy each day here, it passes so quickly
Darlene
It is normal to lose it now and then, when you are responsible for someone else's health care.
It is much more difficult to change an adult diaper than a child's diaper. They are bigger and more ornery.
I am sorry for your loss.
It is typical that people always feel guilty about the hollering, but your husband was very very very lucky that you took care of him.
Sending hugs. You deserve hugs and a medal.
Each time you have a memory of the bad times write it down on a piece of paper and throw it away or burn it. Then write down a good memory of your life together and put it in a special box. When you have those sad thoughts open the box and read the messages.
My condolences on your loss, your husband was fortunate to have had you in his life. It's only been a few weeks, allow yourself time to grieve and heal.
Give yourself time to grieve and go to grief counseling or a grieving group. two weeks is not enough time. Some people need a year to grieve. It depends on the individual and circumstance.
My husband died last April after 46 years together. I am still grieving, grief is a long process as one does ones best to carry on.
We all second guess ourselves. I was caregiver alone for 4 years .
I loved my husband and did my best never the less I was angry a time or two . We are human and I strive not to focus on that but think of all the times you got it right and did your best. Then think of all the good memories before he was ill.
Even now I talk to my husband and tell him all the things that upset me during his condition and how bad I felt when I lost patience.
Give yourself time you loved him now you have to love yourself and weather the variety of feelings from guilt, sorrow, relief , and the loss of your partner and how the condition was cruel for both of you.
I keep busy , still sob at times then carry on as they wouldn’t want us to be unhappy forever.
My husband loved life so I carry on in his honor and life is sacred so we must honor our own.
Its hard but you will get through the grieving process.
I send you love, understanding, and strength.
Aloha