So here's my novel. My mom has really bad COPD and was on her last mile according to her doctor. He told us last May that she might have a year left to live. They arranged follow-up with pall care at home. She couldn't live on her own anymore as she wasn't able to take care of herself or her home due to fatigue and shortness of breath. We looked into elder care facilities but it's so expensive after you include food, cleaning and all that. And that meant that I would still have to go to her place twice a week to clean and make sure she was ok. When I did that at the condo she complained about the fact that I didn't visit... But like, always passive aggressive. I would call 3-4 times a week, visit once or twice a week. Never enough. I have a job and a life too you know. We have an extra room here so we thought, my husband, my son and I, that she could come and live with us for the few months she had left. We arranged our house to make her feel welcome and at home, she participated in this as well. I emptied her condo, arranged the sale and everything all on my own (hubby and son helped a bit) as I have no living sibling or family. Let's just say that I'm glad I was off for the summer. Anyway. Fast forward to fall, when she is now thriving because she gets fed healthy food and has someone to talk to everyday. She has more energy and her COPD is well under control. Basically, she was dying 6 months ago and now she's doing really well. The thing is, I constantly have to walk on eggshells. At first, she didn't get that she can't talk to me like when I was 15 years old and tell me what to do. We had a talk. She has a tendency to victimize herself every time I ask her to respect a boundary or answer a bit dryly. She says I am rude, make her feel unwelcome and wanting to leave. Every time. I resorted to answering “I’m sorry you feel this way, if you're not comfortable here we can look into nursing homes" which isn't ideal but it works. I can't talk with lollipops in my voice 24/7. She also critics my husband for various insignificant things and when I asked her to stop doing that, she was offended. Also apparently I don't take good enough care of him. I can't take the negativity anymore. This may be a shocker but growing up wasn't a party: verbally and physically abusive parents, I had to be responsible, obedient and reasonable. Quiet but not shy. Intelligent but not smarter than my parents and if I was getting into a sport, I was removed as soon as I started to be good at it. That turned me into a very resourceful, independent and rebellious grown-up, neither mindful nor demure lol. So there's that background that I thought was taken care of after two years of therapy, but I guess not. I feel overwhelmed and it's a lot. Learning to live with your parent 25 years after you moved out is hard guys. I don't even feel at home in my own home. I have to be careful about talking rudely (even if I don't) or not talking enough (that also peeves her). If I don't chit-chat, she takes it personally; I don't do chit-chat! I never have! It's like she has a vision of how I should be. I have come to a point where I resent coming home. It's my house and I don't want to be in it anymore. I also feel super guilty because it was supposed to be temporary, a few months, but now it looks like we're going to live like this for a few years and I resent that as well. It's crazy. I'm in caregiver jail lmao. My poor husband is stuck in all this and it's not even his parents. Anyway, I am looking for a therapist so that should help. We also stayed at a hotel for a night once or twice to have some privacy and chill. If you have any books or tips to suggest that would be awesome. Thanks for listening anyway.
You painted yourself into the corner.
Only complete honesty with her will get you out. There will be rage and tears. This is worth grieving.
She needs placement because if you think this is bad you are headed for much worse and I think you know that.
The condo is sold. There is money for her care. You wish to live as you were living, on your own as a grown child. You will visit and be supportive but this living together, difficult in any case for anyone, isn't working for you. No discussion. No argument.
Unfortunate here is that the moving out has been used as a cudgel, as a threat. And when it is for real it will result in tremendous rage. I can only say that needs to be got through, because you wish to live alone, and I don't blame you.
Good luck. This is going to take honesty and a whole lot of tears. I am glad the condo money is there. I think she may enjoy ALF; when my bro was in I saw so many women really having good chats together. Mother-daughter is one of the most difficult relationships in the world. It takes a lifetime and a whole lot of hard honesty to be able to accept one another as another individual human with limitations. But that time is here.
Going to therapy or going on forums is not going to change your current situation. You may feel better, but how is this affecting the rest of your family living in that household.
First you don't owe your mom anything, especially your well being and mental health, along with the well being of your marriage.
You need WAY more than "any book or tips" can provide. You need now to have a come to Jesus meeting with your mom to let her know that this arrangement is no longer working for you and your family, and that you'll be more than happy to help her find a new place for her to live. And you must set a timetable for her to leave, such as by Feb. 1st, and then stick to your guns.
No one should EVER have to walk on eggshells in their own home because of someone else, nor should they have to get a hotel room to have some privacy.
You and your husband deserve better, and I hope you'll take the necessary steps to get your mom out of your home sooner than later, and take your home and your life back.
You can do this! Use that instilled rebellion to your advantage!
My mother is a sweetheart who tries to help her sister, but is mistreated when doing so. I love my mother and give her whatever she needs. I have told her to stay away from her sister and provided in home activities to occupy her time. The only issue that I have with my mother is that she will not stay out of my kitchen. She insists on handwashing dishes, although I have explained that we have a dishwasher. I finally said if it makes her happy then let her do whatever she wants with the dishes. Well, it takes her hours to clean a few dishes. She is now rummaging through the cabinets, making several cups of coffee at a time, and whatever else she wants. I don’t want to take anything else away from her, but I don’t know what to do to get her out of the kitchen.
It is sad enough not being able to handle her being repetitive and confused. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so guilty.
YOUR home is not a nursing home.