My mother has always put herself before her children. Her own mother died at the age of 53 of alcoholism. She followed right in her footsteps and has drank away the last 30 years. She had an affair the entire time she was married to her husband. The man she is having an affair with is married as well. I have known about this affair since I was about 16, it is an unimaginable burden.
She almost died two years ago from the drinking. Her husband died in 2017. He was nothing to me. He supported and advised her abandonment of her children.
She says she stopped drinking after her incident. She is still alive so that might be true. She won’t get therapy so, she just white knuckles it all the way. She hasn’t ever acknowledged anything she has done to me or my sister in any way.
She is the ultimate "Come here! Get away!" Get over here, get the hell away from me! Abusive awful, lying, selfish horrible HORRIBLE person. I would never choose to be around anyone else like her so why would I take it from her. She is mean, rude, unsupportive, and so completely selfish, and the older my kids get, the more they go through, I have feelings and emotions and what I imagine is just plain instinct as I watch them navigate their adult lives and everything just makes me think of how my mom felt with me when I was going through similar things. I just cannot understand.
Where was my moms instinct? Did she just shut it down? Was it never there? How can she expect any love or compassion from me when she literally tries to ruin anything positive in my life? My sister spent her entire life as a heroine addict and finally died of fentanyl OD in October of 21. My mother had zero reaction and I mean ZERO.
I feel like I hate her. I’m not sure if I really even care about anything she is going through. I feel like she deserves ALL of it. Last week was her 70th birthday and I was going to meet her half way (because she does not want me at her house for whatever reason) and take her out to lunch. She lives 3 hours away from me.
My therapist said to just tell her I wanted to do something for her on her birthday. So I did. She agreed, but then canceled the day of. She said the weather was bad and she didn’t feel like going out that day, but asked if we could do it the next day. I agreed but then found out she went out anyway! Shopping, lunch and even went to her old favorite bar and played pull tabs! WTF!?? Why does she do this to me? Then after not coming to my home for even a holiday the past two years because she is too sickly and can’t find anyone to watch her cats, she tells someone else who tells me she is leaving in a week for a 20 day vacation in Hawaii! That’s the second trip in two years! Sounds super sick to me! I just can’t with the rejection anymore. I can’t. I need permission to step away. I’m not interested in the self-torture anymore.
I attempted to (as if on eggshells) talk to her about how I was feeling after I found out she went out on her birthday, but she instantly went from 0-60 and hung up on me. She really thinks she’s never done a thing wrong. She said she’s an adult and I’m just like her mother and she can do whatever she wants. I don’t disagree with that at all but why do you have to lie and cheat and just be hurtful about it! Why can she do anything ever with anyone but me and then insist on calling me 10 times a day just to be negative on the phone and talk crap about anything I tell her. Unless it’s negative, oh boy does she love it when I tell her something negative. She literally lights up in delight. If she hears my 3 year old granddaughter tell me she loves me in the background, she will actually start gagging on the phone!
Shes 70 now, she was only supposed to live for two years after she almost bleed out on her bathroom floor and died from liver failure but she is still with us.
I cannot imagine what the end will be like. How can I care for someone who has done nothing for me?
Honestly., I’m a bit surprised your therapist hasn’t suggested to walk away .
Walk away. And find a new therapist too . Any therapist that told you to try to talk to this woman at lunch doesn’t know anything about narcissism . You can’t tell a narcissist how you feel about how they treat you and expect a good result . A narcissist doesn’t care . She would have reacted in a way to cause even more hurt .
She is a textbook narcissist. There is no getting through to these people.
You deserved a better mom, and it's her loss that she is how she is. She ruined her life and ruined her kids' lives. She is toxic. Like nuclear waste level toxic! You have that hole in your heart. I'm sure you've heard of Al-Anon. I've never been part of it myself, but those I know who have said it was a huge help. I'm sure there's online meetings too.
Do not call her.
Do not visit her. Not even halfway.
Do not send letters, as tempted as you are to unload your grief on paper to her.
If she calls you, fine. But the second she starts with her mess, hang up.
Do not buy it when she tries to 'play nice' to get you visit or do for her.
For God's sake, don't even think of caregiving her in any capacity.
And if she asks for money, the answer is NO.
As for the "But it's your mom!" argument... Nope. Birthing a child does not a mother make. She wasn't a mother. You raised yourself. Never allow yourself to be guilted by her or anyone.
It's time for you to start the healing. You matter. You're strong to survive life with her. Become the person you were meant to be, before your mom poisoned you.
Have a wonderful birthday. Make it first day of the rest WITHOUT ABUSE.
Make yourself an achievement award to put on your desk. Put your charger there and park your phone next to the award. Read it every day. Think of how sad you will be if you have to throw the award in the trash. You suffered too long and too much to throw it away.
🎂🏆
I have to say in defense of my therapist, his angle for suggesting I ask her if I can do something for her for her birthday was for me to just blatantly and clearly ask her the question in a clear way because she kept just screwing with my head about it and I could not get a straight answer from her about what her expectations were and my abuse/trauma brain couldn't just leave it alone. I did meet again with him after I wrote this for you all this morning, and he agrees with all of you and me that a total cut off is appropriate and overdue at the least. He did talk to me about Korsakoff Syndrome and I really think that is a possibility based on her behavior specifically over the last two years. He now suggests that when I am ready, I request a welfare check on her (since she is isolating and will not see me) and have them evaluate her for that and if she has it, take the necessary steps and be released and if a professional says nope, she's fine, she's just a b*tch then I am released. Either way I am released. I have now silenced her notifications on my phone and have not taken a call from her since Sunday. I would love to have support through this and offer the same to anyone who needs an ear. Thank you so much for all of your loving advice. I feel so much better, and tomorrow is my birthday and I am going to enjoy it with my family and friends who really love me ;) and of course... keep going to therapy ;)
Leave her alone. Call APS on her and let them take it from there.
Fact is, whatever made her as she is and whatever passes for reasons in her mind, she hurts you with every contact and you really had better stay away. Did your therapist advise you otherwise? - whose idea was the abortive birthday treat invitation, for example, yours or the therapist's?
Just by the way, though. I'm not sure how much maternal instinct you can expect to survive in a person whose own mother died at 53 of alcoholism. I am very glad that you somehow escaped the pattern.
Why are you enduring her?
Thank you for what you said.
I have a different situation than yours, but none the less, it saddens me to say that I have Horrible Horrible abusive, toxic parents - but I do. They have ripped the life out of me that I'm still trying to piece back together. And I'm reading the feedback that you've received from others and I'm trying to apply the advice to my own life and situation. I hope you do the same...and I'm wishing you strength - and to only gravitate to people who are good to you and for you. Your mother doesn't deserve someone as kind and good as you.
You said in your post, “I need permission to step away.” YOU DO NOT NEED PERMISSION TO STEP AWAY. JUST DO IT!! Your mother is in full control of her life, and this lifestyle is her choice. There’s NOTHING you can do to change your mother’s narcissistic tendencies, so walking away is your ONLY answer. You cannot fix a narcissist; a narcissist is a narcissist for life. For your own sanity, you MUST walk away (in fact, run away) as far as you can from your mother before she completely ruins YOUR life. Her toxic NPD will destroy YOUR life if you don’t act NOW. DO NOT let your mother ruin your life and your family’s life.
Your mother is indeed a narcissist, and NOTHING will change her narcissistic behavior. WALK AWAY NOW AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.
And she was not a mother to you, so please don't feel any type of obligation to her as she chose the life she has lived and has made her own bed so now she gets to lie in it.
And QUIT answering your phone. Either block her number or change your number. You don't have to listen to her crap. It's concerning to me that you obviously feel that you must answer it.
Please get yourself some much needed therapy(with a new therapist)and decide now to not let her in your life anymore. She's never going to change, and the false hope that you're hanging to that she will somehow change and accept and love you is just that...false hope.
The sooner you realize and accept that the better off you will be.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
Did your therapist actually think the birthday lunch date was a good idea or was she just coaching you about it because you were bound and determined to go?
But now I am done! no more of that. I am not doing anymore. I can literally feel the weight lift off of me as I write this.
Thank you so much!
I myself would be seeking another therapist. They vary wildly in expertise and treatment. But I would leave this one behind. You have been trained to accept inadequate care and still to work hard hoping you will receive the love that every one of us needs. And you have learned well. And it seems to me that your therapist is not helping you to unlearn this behavior.
Not everything can be fixed. Not everyone is capable of changing, and in fact most abusive people cannot be. They need to be moved away from. Some people are helped by moving across the country in fact, and sending a birthday card. Some can manage to create boundaries where they live. But without learning to do this, without a supportive teacher to help you do this, you will remain where you are--attempting to get love from someone incapable to giving it.
Ask yourself this question: "What IF, due to her sad limitations, my Mom is INCAPABLE of giving and receiving love?"
The answer to that question, the HONEST answer will save 1,000s of dollars in bad therapists.
I am so very sorry. You drew the short stick for moms. I would that I could change that, but I can't so I hope to find a way to let you know you have two chances at family, the one you are given at birth, and the one you MAKE with hard work.
My very best out to you. I want so much better for you and I know you are deserving of it. You have suffered enough.