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You can only focus on your own behavior. Your expectations are unreasonable.

Your mom is faced with excruciating pain and suffering and you are —- complaining?

This situation is short term and you have the potential to destroy your relationships with other family members.

1. Be present or personally hire someone to take your shifts.
2. You were not designated POA. So stay in your lane. Listen and support (to all) should be your focus.
3. Remember that when you are present, you are also there to help your other grieving relatives, not just your mom.
4. Because your mother is dying, you should expect that it would be unlikely for her mind to stay intact. They doesn’t mean you should no longer pay attention to her wishes. She already made her wishes clear while she had capacity.

You write that your mom is fooling everyone by living.

You are not fooling anyone.
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Countrymouse Jun 2021
The OP is not complaining. She is concerned about what her mother has to endure and is questioning the approach. She is reluctant to endorse, by supporting it, a care plan which she is not confident is in her mother's best interests.

I don't see any occasion for a personal attack on the OP.
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TWO
Thank you for the update. We are all with you in spirit and it’s good to hear that even though today was tough, there were some bright spots. So glad to hear more help has arrived. It sounds like your dad has even had a bit of a break through. I’m sure this is all very hard on him as well as the extended family.
With an awareness of your moms dementia, it will be a bit easier to deal with her comments. I am so glad she is not in great pain. My aunt who is late stage Parkinson’s has had blisters as well and hers were not painful. It sounds painful.
I looked up your hospice and I see it is a nonprofit in Indiana and Kentucky and has good reviews.
I hope the reinforcements give you all a chance to get more rest.
Use this forum to vent anytime you want. What you are doing is hard under any circumstances. We are here for you.
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Thanks for the update. It sounds like you have made some breakthroughs. At this point I would really try to keep your mom at home with the suggestions you plan on making. I know that sometimes you think things will go on forever, but based on your mom's diagnosis, it doesn't sound like it really can, despite her rallies. I think that everyone goes through their own processing/grieving prior to a loved one's actual death. Certainly with both of my parents I was able to see the handwriting on the wall and know when my role changed from daughter to facilitator, to ease their journey and let them know it was OK to go. It sounds like your mom - and family - may be near that point. Wishing you peace as you go through this process.
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Again, thank all who responded here. I just came to vent off pressure and anxiety and didn’t really expect feedback. But it was like finding a guidebook to a mysterious land. I have NO experience caregiving and little experience with death. I’ve been researching, worrying about the mistakes that could happen, imagining how I would feel in her shoes, and being generally horrified by the situation, wanting to fix it, and feeling totally in over my head.

I read this thread over and over. So many different perspectives, from people with vastly more experience and skills. I thought there would be a “right” path that I just wasn’t seeing for some reason. But there isn’t any one right path, is there? And guessing the right path isn’t the hardest part. It’s shaking the feeling that no matter what I do, it won’t be right, or it won’t be enough, or it won’t be good enough. I feel better equipped to do the work now, and not as anxious. I’m sure I will make mistakes and guess wrong and say things wrong, but I hope I will forgive myself and try again. Thank you.
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Llamalover47 Jun 2021
TheWeirdOne: Thank you for your update. Best of luck.
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