My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
However, this is not new behaviour from her. If she doesn't get what she wants she is nasty and upsets you. That's her game. She is very controlling and doesn't want you to have a life separate from her. She wants to be the center of your universe - have you focused on her.
In my experience, the only way to deal with this is to have less contact. How about let a day or so go by without any phone calls. If she calls again, let it go to voice mail. Will she be angry.? Yes, but she is anyway. That's ok. That's her choice as to how to respond to you. It doesn't reflect on you or make you a bad daughter. You are not responsible for her feelings.
Be honest with yourself. Do you really want to talk daily with someone who treats you like this and pressures you all the time to come and visit? Do you really want to visit her soon again? Would you put up with that from a friend? I wouldn't. I know this is hard and hurtful. Protect yourself!
Glad you and hubby had a nice day training your puppy. ((((((((hugs))))))
Post her a long handed sponge on a stick.
Been thinking about you this week. Glad things are getting better.
Be in control of where you want to go when and don't let anyone guilt you out of it.
Your mum may be showing signs of dementia or it may just be the self centeredness or both. Only a properly qualified dr can assess her regarding the dementia, or the narcissism for that matter.
Glad you are putting your health first. I am sorry you have all those health problems. She does harp on doesn't she?
I hope you will hear positive news from your doctors. You’ve been through so much. Dealing with your parents adds so much additional stress. Please make your health a priority. Your parents will figure it out.
Hugs!
It is a bit confusing because she is posting under maximus and Romeo. Just a heads up.
Max - been thinking of you and hoping you are looking after yourself.