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My mother in law refuses to vacate our premises so my family can come visit me for 2 to 3 weeks. We live in a 3/2. My Mother-in-law lives in the second bedroom, the third is a 10X10, used as an office. In 6 years, my family has never visited me. My husband feels that my family can sleep on the floor, in the office. Two parents and 2 children. The office is entirely furnished, with not much space to navigate the movement of 2 adults and 2 children. I disagree that they should sleep on the floor, sharing the bathroom with his mother. I feel his mother should go visit her other son who lives in Utah. We live in Santa Fe, NM. Inviting her to come live with us when her husband died, was the worst mistake I've made, possibly in my life. Now I can't get rid of her. She talks about my house as if it belongs to her. "No, I'm not leaving" she says. My husband is absolutely against having his mother going anywhere else for the duration of my family's visit. If it was up to me, she would go live in a nursing home, for good. This entire situation is eating me alive, as she is a constant reminder that my house is where she lives, and there is no way for me to get rid of her. Please help me with advice or ideas. How can I legally get rid of her, so she can go live somewhere else. This is legally my house. I put half the down payment on the house, I've been married to this man for more than 25 years. Neither my husband nor his mother will give an inch to come to an agreement. She had the audacity to suggest that I should rent a room from one of our neighbors. The longer she stays in my house, the greater my animosity and dislike for her. I have told her numerous times, I don't want her in my house. I can't be more clear than that. I will not stop pounding on this, until she leaves, or I die. The reality is, we can't be in the same house, knowing that this is my house and she is very much an invader. Once you are told to -leave, you become an invador if you fail to do so. My mental health is being greatly affected by her continuous presence in my home. Please help. I will not change my mind about her leaving. She must absolutely vacate that bedroom for three weeks. That is not negotiable.

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Sadly, you don't have a mil problem, you have a marital problem.

You own the home jointly, correct? Then it's as much his as yours.

Yes, inviting her to live with you was an error.

Have you sought therapy to deal with this issues?
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It's 2 against one here......your husband and his selfish mother against you, so you lose. Your husband has no respect for you or your family if he's telling you all 4 of them should sleep on the floor of the office! And you must have lost respect for him now, since he's treating you so poorly and refusing to ask his mother to take a trip to see her other son for 3 weeks. Is there no room to compromise here? Is this situation not affecting HIS marriage the way it's affecting YOURS? If you're so unhappy with MIL living in your home, how happy can he be?

See a marriage counselor who may be able to talk you through this. You'll both have to be on the same page about asking MIL to move out for 3 weeks AND to move out permanently. It's not your decision 100% OR his decision 100%. It's a decision you arrive at together, as a team.

If not, sell the house and take your half of the proceeds, or have hubby buy you out, and he and mommy can live together happily ever after while you start a new life.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.
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deanbetty Feb 13, 2024
Thank you. I did propose this route. I may very well end up doing just what you suggested. Thanks.
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I’m afraid much of the anger and frustration you feel for your MIL should perhaps be directed at your husband. He created and defends this living arrangement. He doesn’t stick up for you at all. I hope you can arrange a nice vacation with your family in a location away from your home, rent a nice place with a view and let your husband pay for it. Leave him at home with his mommy. Spend the time enjoying the sights with your family and reflecting on how to solve your marriage issues when/if you come home. I wish you peace
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lealonnie1 Feb 13, 2024
Great idea 😊
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I don't interpret this as a caregiving issue. I'm not sure why you bring it to this forum. You have a marriage problem. I suggest consulting a therapist and an attorney.
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You have a husband problem not a MIL problem. MIL lives in your house so she doesn't have to leave for 3 weeks if she doesn't want to. That's the reality of your situation.

Give up your bedroom to your family for 3 weeks and have you and DH sleep in the office.

After the family leaves consider why you want to continue having a marriage with your husband who only seems to care about his mother and not you.
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AlvaDeer Feb 14, 2024
Yup. Got both, actually.
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Are you in a neighborhood with rules? If not, then rent an RV and park it in your driveway and let you family stay there. They will have their own space. Honestly, if I was traveling with two kids, I wouldn't want to stay in my parent's home. In fact, even traveling with just my husband, I never slept in my parents' home, in spite of their many offers of the two sofa beds. My bil and his family stayed at my in-law's home and it was never a happy arrangement.
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Southernwaver Feb 14, 2024
What a great solution! We have stayed in RVs at family houses before.
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I would consult a lawyer over getting a forced sale on this house, probably via separation or divorce, and then let hubs know you’ve done so.

I bet that would wake him up enough to at least get mom out for this visit, during which you also talk to dh about how this is going to be permanent.
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deanbetty Feb 14, 2024
Thanks a million, PeggySue2020. Great idea. Will look into it
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You've got bigger problems than just where to put MIL during your family's stay.

All due respect - your MIL and DH are the couple here - making decisions independent from you.

That being said - for right now-that is your MIL's home. We share a home with my mom, DH, myself, and our two college aged daughters. At this time my mom is caregiving for my grandmother. And one daughter is away at college (the other attends locally and commutes). When mom and oDD are not home - we allow visitors to use their rooms (with their permission). But if both of them were home - we wouldn't have overnight visitors (unless they were willing to sleep on the couch or blow up bed (aka one of my girls' friends for a sleepover situation) or mom had a friend that was willing to share her room. This is their home and they take precedence over visitors. I'm not booting them out of their rooms.

You have animosity for your MIL. I get that, I really do. I barely tolerated my FIL at best. And I understand why you feel strongly about having your family visit in your home. But the reality is that she does live there. You don't kick people out of their home for someone else to visit.

Why can't your family rent a hotel space (or an AirBnB) and that way you go to them and don't have to deal with your MIL for that timeframe. Win/Win.

You say they are not visitors coming to visit - they are your family. While technically true - do you expect them to cook, clean, do chores? If not - that makes them guests/visitors.

But the reality is that your issue is not your family visiting. You and your DH don't seem to communicate very well. And that's dangerous. At some point your MIL may need outside care. And that's very hard for someone as enmeshed as your DH and MIL. They won't go gently (go read Midkid's nearly 2,000 response post in Discussions - it will open your eyes about situations like this).

You say you want your MIL to vacate (her home) for 2-3 weeks while your family visits. That's not what you want. You want her to leave. Your DH categorically refuses to even discuss it. You have a DH problem as much as you do a MIL problem. That is not just YOUR house. It is also your DH's house - and she feels welcome in his home - she doesn't care if you want her there.

Until you get your DH on side, this is not going to change. And you say it's not negotiable. The reality - it's not negotiable from either side.

You and your DH at in a standoff.

And that's the biggest problem you have right now. Unless you are on the same page - you have a big problem.
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deanbetty Feb 14, 2024
Sorry to disagree. I am not kicking her out of her home. This is NOT my MIL'S home, because the mortgage is NOT under her name. Her name does not appear on the mortgage documents. My name does. Huge difference.
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MIL is spot on right. This is HER HOME, and you have made it so. (I can only hope she has a shared living expenses contract, but hearing about hubby, probably not).

You have made your own home the home of your MIL.
This is her home, too now.
As to your relatives visiting, I think you should find a way to share costs of a lovely motel nearby.
Just my own opinion.
There's a price to be paid for every choice we make. You made this MIL's home. You don't get to kick her out because it's your home as well.

As to your Husband putting his MIL ahead of YOU and your wishes to not live with her?
That's a marital problem that is much bigger than this whole visiting family thing.
Get counseling. Consider your options and choose what's best for you. Only you can decide for you. For me, I would have been gone the day she moved in.
I wish you good luck.
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Please realize that as soon as MIL got mail to your house, she was considered a resident, especially any government mail. Its her legal address. You would have to legally evict her to get her out. I think you may have assumed a lot here that her son would want her for 3 weeks. If you approached her the way you say here, she is just burying her heels in and your DH is going along with her.

I would not want my family visiting with this cloud over my house. I would look for a nice rental and all spend time together there. Just tell ur family other arrangements could not have been made for MIL to spend time with son.

It's not who pays the Mortgage on a house who is the owner, its who is on the deed. Yours and Husbands name need to both be on the deed. If you are not, your husband owns the house. All you have in it is the downpayment and money you may have paid towards the mortgage.

Seems husband and MIL are a team. For now, I would just except what u want is not going to happen. Get that rental and have a great time with ur family. Then you and DH need to talk. Time for MIL to find her own place. If he refuses, then u see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Me, I may just divorce him because you don't seem to be #1. I would rather be alone than live with a MIL I could not stand and a husband that does not stand beside me. In the divorce you should get at least half the house even if not in the deed. You can force a sale if DH can't buy u out. I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. You have some big decisions to make but save that for after your families visit. Do not say anything about a divorce till you know where u stand. Get your ducks in a row.
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deanbetty Feb 14, 2024
I am also on the deed of the house.
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