I wonder how some people have no conscience. How do I deal with my father?
I am the lady whose father came to pick up his dog 3 months ago and never left. He had 2 ambulance rides that first week, which I figured out yesterday at his doctor's appointment, that we've been duped. He had previously agreed to go home, but then refused. Finally, we got rid of his dog. We gave him to a friend on February 20th due to my husband having Stage 3 asthma (dust mites & dander being his asthma attack trigger). The friend agrees to give his dog back if Dad leaves. Since early December dad was staring at the ceiling, not conversing, quit showering (I would have to suggest it). He just sighs & groans about what programs we watch on DVD, complains about music, it's too hot, it's too cold, complains one of my daughter's enjoy Shakespeare. Anything we say, he would argue the opposite. He has Type 2 diabetes & was losing his house, getting utilities shut off, etc. He is a spender & a hoarder, always has had issues. I saved his home & got his bills caught up. He went to the doctor & suddenly he could talk again. 🙄 It came out he is unhappy here, which he has been unhappy since my mother left him in 1999 (which he even elaborated to the doctor again). He went on about my 32 year old brother, who is being prosecuted for repeatedly beating my father, taking monetary advantage of him (theft) & dad says he doesn't want to testify against him in March because he loves him. 🙄 He then said he doesn't know what to eat for lunch, has trouble finding food. He does know, he has eaten lunch every day since he has been here. It just isn't expensive $10 pound deli cuts. The doctor said, "I am sure there are leftovers." Dad said he didn't know where they were. 🤣 We found out we cannot have him pay for an addition on our home, which we told him we would see if we could do that. With the 5 year lookback, it could have devastating consequences. Dad said he won't live in an apartment and wants to take his dog & go home (3 hrs from us). The doctor gave the all clear. At dinner last night, dad said, "I am going to miss this." I asked, "Miss what?" He said, "These meals." Not my family, not me, not his lovely granddaughters. I cried myself to sleep after dinner. I am 50 years old & it hurts to realize I truly never was loved by my parents. I am only used. I am "only a daughter" in my father's eyes. He places his criminal son on a pedestal. Now dad suddenly cannot feel his foot this morning. He is attempting to delay going home. Says he has no money. He has $2600 AFTER paying bills. I told him that if he quits buying knick knacks & junk he doesn't need, he'll have plenty of money. That I have been paying bills & feeding all of us on $1900 a month.. He is going. I am tired of his entitled thinking. He is just a spoiled man who thinks I (and my daughters) am here to serve him. He has cost me hundreds of dollars since last year & our income is low, as my husband has applied for SSDI a year ago, due to his RA advancing. I just am doing everything I can to keep my mouth shut & to not be rude. I cannot wait for my daughters to each have their bedroom back (as dad took one of them) and for us to get our house back. I really hope he doesn't refuse to go now. I don't want to have to evict him. I am so saddened I have been being used. This is why we lived 3 hours away. I was tired of the abuse. I am heartbroken.
13 Answers
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It seems you have found an acceptable solution. A big step forward. Not just Dad actually stepping out of your home, but for your own household, your boundaries, for you too.
So Dad will be in his own space. Maybe smaller? Something he can afford & away from letching brother. Great.
Call this Plan A.
A new home. A new chapter.
He can rise to the challenge here to be as independent as he can.
If unable (for health reasons, depression, age etc) then more & more services can be arranged within his budget.
Plan B. Home with services
Or if/when.. Plan C. Move to a care home.
Well done.
PS Be very aware of the *Mission Creep*. Especially for the Grandaughters-paid-maids. They will want to have very clear arrangements on pay + very clear limits on their role.
Eg if cleaning only or cleaning + personal care.
I have my own experience with a LO with depression, lack of motivation & dependant nature. Job was to drive to regular appointments. Blew out to make breakfast, clean up kitchen, clean up home, clean up LO inc dispose of incontinence pads, dress LO before getting into the car.
Get the idea?
Each week it seemed more was added to my list as my LO would shed more independence & responsibility. Like a reverse babyhood.
Employing non-family was the cure for that condition. Keep it in mind.
We live in a very rural area. So I will have to pick up medications myself, as well as groceries.
We are downsizing his household by only putting what is necessary into his new house. The rest will be placed in the storage unit. He has fussed a bit on some things, but we reply that he can "pay someone else" to do it. That ends the complaint.
The local senior center director is very helpful. They have so many programs here where I live, that my father didn't have in my hometown. Including someone to visit a couple times a week. They get federal funding apparently due to this county being the poorest county in the state. (Only 11,000 people in the entire county live here, the rest of the homes are vacation homes)
I am thankful for this forum, as it has helped me a lot with the "guilt" my father has tried to use to manipulate me.
Wondering & hopeful of some progress?
Dad may well be down, lonely &/or losing independance & therefore needing more assistance.
This does not mean you have to provide his Assisted Living accommodation or be his Assisted Living staff.
I am not your Maid Dad. Go home.
First, yes it hurts to think that your Dad sees you for what you produce for him, rather than what you provide as a person. Some people are like that. It doesn't mean they don't love you; it just means they love you differently. Also, some people don't realize that they have "foot-in-mouth" disease either and it is displayed at the most inopportune times.
However, there is no doubt in my mind that your Dad is abusing your hospitality. He might need to apply to Medicaid and he might need a part time caregiver.
However, what struck me most was the similarity of your Dad and an entitled child. The entitled child comes back home, uses his host to provide shelter, food and other necessities, and uses his own money to buy pleasure, and will not use that as a time to become responsible adult.
You might have to do what I saw someone else do....literally move to a different home and not include the person in the move. Unfortunately, this severs relationships, however, putting some distance between you and the leech will give you back some energy so that you can constructively deal with the leech in a different way.
As you are doing whatever action you need to do, remember that your daughters are unconsciously watching and learning from you. They are learning how to deal with someone who is irresponsible with money, as one day, it could be their spouse or a very close friend or their own children.
The other thing that strikes me about your Dad, is that he is depressed. I believe he buys all those things because it give him something to do. What did he used to do? Can he volunteer to help someone or something? I think he is waiting for someone to "rescue" him and so far, you fit the role. I suggest you get him out of the house and into some activity, even if it is going to senior day care for the day. He needs to find some new friends and activities. You might want to talk to his doctor to tell him your side of the story. I wish I had a silver bullet that would combat your Dad's depression, however, I'm still trying to find my silver bullet since retiring. Maybe going to Independent Living in senior housing would help him. I don't know.
Now in retrospect, I think I would seek doctor's help for his depression, and try to get him started in outside activities, rather than force him out of the house. Give him a month to get his sh** together before you force him out.
I think depression is a major player in his attitude.
He is like an entitled child. 😂 We are going to set up his new home, with everything he needs in it, and then take him to it. He knows he has no choice in the matter.
Him saying, "I'm going to miss this", to me, means he'll miss the cozy atmosphere of your home, not necessarily the "meals" themselves. I took it that way, truthfully.
Tell dad you don't want to evict him and go that route to get him to move back home. So please move out by X date dad or start paying me $2500 a month in rent, please. That ought to light a firecracker under his hiney, I should think 😂🤣😁
Best of luck
You tried to help your dad out. I suppose that allowing him to move in was most likely against your better judgment. Am I right? Live and learn. This situation isn’t working out.
I am glad that you were sensible enough to see that building an addition to your home wasn’t a good option. Yes, he is three hours away and that is probably a good thing for you!
Give him the phone number for Council on Aging in his area. They can arrange for Meals on Wheels for him. In my area they also provide transportation to doctor appointments, the pharmacy and grocery stores. If he qualifies, he will be sent an aide that will help with light housekeeping and cooking. If needed, they assist with bathing too.
It doesn’t sound like he was ever an ideal father. I’m so sorry. Surely, that hurts.
I know that you are grateful for the loving relationships in your life. You have a husband, children and grandchildren. Your family deserves to resume your lives and live in peace.
You have stated that your father has always been this way, so I don’t think that you ever expect him to change.
Dad isn’t grateful for any of your help, so let him go. I hope for all of your sakes that he will leave peacefully. If he doesn’t, so be it. You don’t have any other choice than to evict him.
Best wishes to you and your family.
"I really hope he doesn't refuse to go now".
It is not up to him. It is your house. It is up to you who lives there.
"I don't want to have to evict him".
Why the blazes not??
"I am so saddened I have been being used".
That's perfectly valid.
It's ok to feel sad.
Feeling sad does not mean you are, or stay, his servant.
Yes you have been used.
Find a little spark of anger in that sadness. Use it to boot his free-loading entitled attitude out your door.
Never to return.
What I basically said was, just pack him up, put him in the car, pick up his dog and drive the 3 hrs and drop him off at his home. When u get there, load him up with a months supply of food. Go to BJs/Costos and buy in bulk. Easy stuff he can fix on his own. Then tell him he is good for a month. That everything has been paid up to date. He is now on his own. If he defaults on his utilities or mortgage, its on him, you will not bail him out again. Leave the number of APS and tell him if he gets in dire straits to call them or Office of Aging. Get him pickup/take out menu's for restaurants near him. Make sure he understands that he is on his own. What happens to him now is on him. You have done enough for someone who is so unappreciative of what people gave up for him. Make sure he understands that living with you again is not an option. It will not happen again. Your family is #1 and as a daughter you have done enough. Tell him if he needs anything call his son. Then walk out.
You have to stay angry to do this so do it soon. Actually, you going to bed crying should be the straw that broke the Camels back.
If a time machine existed, I would say go back to week 2 & do this.
It doesn't, so do it today.
The problem is you, not him, time to stand up and be counted, enough already!
Your family must always come first, your husband and daughter certainly not him. Get your priorities in order do what is best for you and your family.
Kick him out. He lived alone before, he can live alone now.
STOP paying for a single thing for him. He can move to a homeless shelter.
I'd pack his crap for him in old boxes and put it on the front porch. Give him a deadline (I'm not totally heartless) and let him know he has 1 week (or less) to GET OUT. Then change the locks and leave him be.
As far as his weird fascination with your brother, I find it is so often the ones who are the 'worst' are treated the best. I'm sure there's some guilt there, but that's for dad to figure out.
My mom adored my OB, who was an absolute waste of space. It sickened me to see how she's constantly baby him and help him out financially when she and dad were in pretty dire straights b/c OB had screwed them over financially. He died 10 years ago, but would have stood to inherit the same amt of money as the rest of us--even tho he'd already cleaned them out of $250K.
Mom died and left ME a 'bill' of $1500. IDK why. I'm still struggling with this, 5 months after she passed.
I'm NOT 100% 'over this'. Maybe won't be until the next life when I can find out for sure why she was like this. I sure don't know.
Oh, and put your daughter's room back together as HER room and do not let dad come back in under any circumstances. Family get-togethers can be held at restaurants, parks, anywhere but your home where he can slip-slide his way back into your lives.
I think that separation is a good idea now, and that is no matter how it is done, whether by helping him find a place and move or by eviction.
Do not allow Dad into the home again. Try to support him the best way you can given what you are dealing with. You dad is unlikely to change at this point. Not everything can be fixed. If you have a loving hubby, a good household, then you are ever so much ahead of some folks with nothing whatsoever.
There is no shame in seeking help. A licensed Social Worker in private practice counseling might help you iron out some of your sad feelings, some of your confusion, so on the hopes you are clinging onto for change that almost certainly will never come.
I am so sorry you are going through this. And do remember, that sometimes saying "I am going to MISS THIS" means "I are about you".
Best way to get him out of your house fast is to tell him you are going to start charging him room and board. I think 1000 a month would be reasonable.
Good luck and dont give him any money and stop rescuing him from himself. Let the chips fall where they may in regards to him making his own decisions and choices. If he loses his house because he doesnt pay his mortgage or rent then so be it.
I totally get it about having parents who never really loved or cared for you because I realized that a long time ago with mine. All I ever was to either of my parents was a target they could lash out at, a walking ATM, or someone to put out their fires due to bad life choices.
You will never get the relationship you wish for from your father no matter how good you treat him.
Throw his a$$ out of your house. No more crying yourself to sleep like a poor, little child.
Your father is an entitled, senior brat who has no respect for you or your home. Never allow people to disrepect you. Throw him out. If he won't leave willingly, file a formal eviction.