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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Alva is correct. Your dad needs full-time facility care, at his own expense. If he owns his home next door you,, it can be sold to pay for it. If he doesn’t have the home or other assets and savings, there are members here who can tell who you how to apply for Medicaid.
You matter, your physical and mental health matter. You can’t possibly sustain this. Your dad matters too. He needs much more than being isolated with one exhausted person on call. His needs will only increase. So placing him will be for the benefit of both of you.
Im 61, my husband is 61 and my Dad is 86. My husband is in pain all the time from multiple back, spine and head issues. My Dad has Parkinson’s and recently became immobile. We live next door to my Dad and im on call 24/7 in case he needs to use a bedside commode. I have two brothers and a sister but the brothers do nothing. The burdens from it all are tremendous. My brothers get to live their lives meanwhile im over here living groundhog day over n over. I want to run away.
This isn't sustainable. Your husband needs you and you have your life. Your father now needs care and that means in-facility. He needs several shifts with several caregivers on each to meet his needs. You will have to sit with your father and tell him that is the case. Let your other family know you are doing that; tell them you have no expectations of their participating in caregiving, but that you can't go on being the only one and are letting Dad know he needs to assign a POA and needs to get into a facility where he will get care.
Not everything can be fixed Barbrie--some things must be FACED.
Barb, you don't say what illnesses or disabilities your dad and husband have, that would help. Whatever the diagnosis, you can find support groups online or sometimes in person. Funkygrandma gives good testament for support groups. If one of your loved ones has a dementia related disease, call the help numbers that MACinCT suggests to find support groups.
Welcome to the forum, Barbriellen. I drop all my negative energy here. I can't possibly vocalize the toxic stuff I post here, but getting it out into the ether helps me feel a little better.
One piece of advice even though you are not asking for it -- remember that your husband is your first priority.
Your in the right place. Vent all you want, but tell us before hand its a vent.
Ages of your Dad and Husband would help. The illness they have and what you do for them. Does Dad live with you, or you with him.
There comes a time where decisions have to be made because caregiving becomes too much caring for two people. Usually we recommend placing one of them and thats usually the parent. Your spouse is your #1.
Here is the alz.org 24 hr helpline number which can link you to local resources 8002723900. Also alzfdn.org 18662328484 is from the Alz Foundation available from 9 a to 9 p ET
This is a lot, and no one but you yourself can decide if it is sustainable. It well may not be. No matter how good your heart, there is more required in one on one care, and I can't imagine it being attempted 24/7 for two people.
You are new to the Forum and we welcome you. Feel free to read a bit on the site and decide if it is the place you are looking for.
You definitely sound overwhelmed, no one can blame you, caregiving for two is a lot! Remember, if you cannot find the time or energy to practice some self care, you’ll be no good to those who are depending on you. You’ve found a good group here, let us know more about your situation and perhaps some good ideas and advice may help. I wish you rest and peace
Caregiving is the hardest job any of us will do or have done, and it is important that we can vent to others that truly understand what we're going through. So vent away. And please also check to see if you have any in-person or on Zoom caregiver support groups in your area, as mine actually saved my life when I was caring for my late husband. I preferred the in-person meetings as that was my break away and I was able to give and get hugs when needed and build relationships with other caregivers who were going through similar things as me. Also keep in mind that 40% of caregivers will die before the one(s) they're caring for from stress related issues so please take care of yourself and make yourself a priority as you most certainly don't want to be in that statistic.
Studies vary from 40% to unknown. I've even read where 70% of caregivers over 70 years old die before their loved ones. I've seen no research supporting such a claim. If you want to research caregiver mortality rates, the PMC study is quite detailed. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6292823/
In dementia related studies: In a 2025 Alz Assn study, Eighteen percent of spousal caregivers die before their partners with dementia.
According to a recent Stanford Medicine study, some 40 percent of Alzheimer’s caregivers die before the patient.
In a 2007 post by MindingOurElders here on Aging Care, rough statistics show that 30% of caregivers die before those they are caring for.
Although stress and health issues related to caregiving can contribute to an ”early” death, caregivers can have serious co-morbidities; cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc., which can cause caregiver death before the patient's. From the Cleveland Clinic, nearly 73% of adults age 85 or older had at least three co-morbidities.
Although a handful of studies have examined mortality among caregivers of persons with Alzheimer's disease or a related dementia, the proportion of caregivers who die before their cognitively impaired care recipients remains unknown.
These caregiver statistics are why I consider myself a "caregiver survivor"!
You are definitely in the right place. I joined a month or so ago for this exact reason… it is so important to know that you are heard. And venting is something we all need to do. I feel better just to know I’m not alone in this experience of caretaking and getting out the frustration at the time. BUT, from your short text, you may need to seek out more than this sight. But again, this sight will guide you in many cases. Be sure to read the insights. Welcome…
Being a caregiver can be lonely at times. There are different organizations you can call. Some may have companions that you can chat with by telephone. Companions to visit homes. There is help . Some one to talk too. Blessings.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You matter, your physical and mental health matter. You can’t possibly sustain this. Your dad matters too. He needs much more than being isolated with one exhausted person on call. His needs will only increase. So placing him will be for the benefit of both of you.
Your husband needs you and you have your life.
Your father now needs care and that means in-facility. He needs several shifts with several caregivers on each to meet his needs.
You will have to sit with your father and tell him that is the case. Let your other family know you are doing that; tell them you have no expectations of their participating in caregiving, but that you can't go on being the only one and are letting Dad know he needs to assign a POA and needs to get into a facility where he will get care.
Not everything can be fixed Barbrie--some things must be FACED.
One piece of advice even though you are not asking for it -- remember that your husband is your first priority.
Hope this forum helps you.
Ages of your Dad and Husband would help. The illness they have and what you do for them. Does Dad live with you, or you with him.
There comes a time where decisions have to be made because caregiving becomes too much caring for two people. Usually we recommend placing one of them and thats usually the parent. Your spouse is your #1.
You are new to the Forum and we welcome you. Feel free to read a bit on the site and decide if it is the place you are looking for.
And please also check to see if you have any in-person or on Zoom caregiver support groups in your area, as mine actually saved my life when I was caring for my late husband. I preferred the in-person meetings as that was my break away and I was able to give and get hugs when needed and build relationships with other caregivers who were going through similar things as me.
Also keep in mind that 40% of caregivers will die before the one(s) they're caring for from stress related issues so please take care of yourself and make yourself a priority as you most certainly don't want to be in that statistic.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6292823/
In dementia related studies:
In a 2025 Alz Assn study, Eighteen percent of spousal caregivers die before their partners with dementia.
According to a recent Stanford Medicine study, some 40 percent of Alzheimer’s caregivers die before the patient.
In a 2007 post by MindingOurElders here on Aging Care, rough statistics show that 30% of caregivers die before those they are caring for.
Although stress and health issues related to caregiving can contribute to an ”early” death, caregivers can have serious co-morbidities; cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc., which can cause caregiver death before the patient's. From the Cleveland Clinic, nearly 73% of adults age 85 or older had at least three co-morbidities.
Although a handful of studies have examined mortality among caregivers of persons with Alzheimer's disease or a related dementia, the proportion of caregivers who die before their cognitively impaired care recipients remains unknown.
These caregiver statistics are why I consider myself a "caregiver survivor"!
I joined a month or so ago for this exact reason… it is so important to know that you are heard. And venting is something we all need to do. I feel better just to know I’m not alone in this experience of caretaking and getting out the frustration at the time.
BUT, from your short text, you may need to seek out more than this sight. But again, this sight will guide you in many cases. Be sure to read the insights.
Welcome…