My situation is complicated so in order to keep this from turning into a book, I'm going to be very blunt and just state facts as they are. My mom is in the later stages of unspecified dementia. I'm her sole caregiver and she lives with me in the home that I own with my husband. She is legally married but her husband has been out of the picture for about 15 years. I don't have contact info for him and he likely wouldn't cooperate. He tried to claim her last year on his own taxes, just to give you an idea of the type of person he is. I know this only because we got a letter from the IRS saying we need to check to make sure we meet the criteria to claim her because someone else had tried to. She will not pass Medicaid 5 year lookback until mid June next year. We use her SS to pay for her care and to compensate ourselves for providing it, since I can't work and have to stay home with her. Can we get in trouble for that? Her SS goes into a joint account with me and it was set up before she had dementia. I have POA. She has recently had a sharp decline and this situation is no longer safe for her or for us. She has caused damage to our home, has fallen several times, is awake for days at a time, and impossible to legally contain. Gates don't work. The only methods that would keep her from wandering all night and hurting herself and/or causing flood/fire etc. are not things we can legally or ethically do, like lock her in a room or restrain her. I could go on and on but the point is, I can't do this anymore. She is leaving tomorrow for a 7-14 stay at a neuro psych hospital for evaluation and regulation of her meds. I'm terrified at the thought of her coming home after that. I don't know what to do. Can we refuse to pick her up? Since she lives here, do we need to legally evict her? Would we be in trouble for abandonment or elder abuse if we refuse to pick her up? If we wanted to try to start the medicaid application, what happens when she doesn't pass the lookback and gets a penalty? We can't wait. This isn't safe and I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I feel violent towards her and I'm worried I may lose control one day. If I tell someone that, can I get in trouble? Will it be taken as a threat against her? It isn't, not at all. I'm being honest. I'm not ok mentally/emotionally anymore and I just can't do this. What am I supposed to do to get her placed somewhere without getting into some kind of legal/criminal issue?
Please don't mention feeling violent tendencies toward your mother bc such verbiage can work against you. We here understand and empathize with burn out and compassion fatigue, but not everyone does. Most people don't even understand dementia, never mind the toll it takes on the caregiver!
Ask the attorney about resigning your POA and having the state assume the care for your mother. See if it's legal to do that in Indiana. It's very important to get sound legal advice from a pro now rather than opinions from forum users on the internet. This is way too huge an issue to leave anything to chance....make sure you are armed with all the facts moving forward so you are fully protected.
I hope you can get mom placed at once, and that you'll be able to relax and take your own health and peace of mind back. Sending you a hug and a prayer for a good resolution to all of this chaos. My mother was 95 when she died in Feb from advanced dementia and heart issues. I know the horrible pain of all this, and she wasn't even living with me but in Memory Care Assisted Living. And it still tore me apart having to deal with her every day.
That she is going into a hospital for care is beyond great as those costs should be covered by Medicare and whatever she has for her secondary health insurance. You want her hospitalized on MediCARE for as long as feasible, as that pushes off her having to deal with filing for LTC Medicaid custodial care in a SNF or NH. Keep your ears open if it should be suggested that she moves out from being a “patient” in a hospital to becoming a “resident” in a skilled nursing care facility aka a NH. Patient in a hospital is MediCARE; resident is private pay, LTC insurance or Medicaid in a facility. You don’t want to trigger her filing for LTC Medicaid till there is a plan as per the new attorney as that 40K gifting will surface.
Im actually concerned abt the old husband…. If they are married, even though estranged:
1. his own financials & details on all property ownership will be needed for mom’s Medicaid filing. Medicaid is “at need” both medically and financially. What he has for income and assets will matter. I’m guessing he will not be at all willing to do this or will do major foot dragging to ever be responsive. Medicaid is very time sensitive so no response in 10-30 days, application closed for noncompliance. If he owns a home, as they are married, it will be subject to however y’all’s State does Medicaid estate recovery. Attorney needs to deal with this and legally segregate them.
AND
2. Hubs could himself file for a capture of some of her monthly income (her SS that goes into that bank account you have access to). They are still married, he is still a spouse. LTC Medicaid has a waiver that spouses can file for, it’s called CSRA or MMNA. Think of it as like old school alimony for the non-NH spouse. It’s $ the community spouse (CS in Medicaid speak) can file to have go to them to enable them to live in their community. Like if mom gets $1500 a mo SS and he can show he needs $1200 of that for his own living in the community costs, he gets $1200 and mom is left with $300 a mo at the most available as a required by Medicaid copay to the NH. NH will not exactly be thrilled to find that an originally anticipated $1500 copay from mom as a new resident is now going to be just $300.
To me, you want the attorney to decisively find a way to cleave off that old estranged hubs from being able to ever have any way or claim to your moms income. Otherwise he’s going to get involved every year when her SS payout changes. & mom will need his updated info every year for her own Medicaid LTC renewal. It will be beyond a buttrash to deal with him on this imo. Again atty need to deal,with this and decisively. Not a DIY.
Ya know “in theory” a NH that has Medicaid beds should not care what the applicants / new resident income & therefore their copay is. But that’s in-my-experience not what happens. My mom had 2 mo income’s and was right below the LTC Medicaid income maximum. NHs I looked at were positively giddy over moms income as it would mean a nice guaranteed $$$ copay. Their gonna be pissed to find they have to deal with a CS who can draw off $$$ every month from a residents income.
Praise The Lord that your mom has been released from her pain and suffering.
I’m so sorry about your mom.