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I want to say EVERYONE'S journey is different. I'm kinda in the same boat with my mil. Yes, I chose to bring her here but I felt as though I didn't have a choice. I knew that his siblings would do nothing for her and they haven't proven me wrong.

Every day is different, or in this case, every moment or second.

She still has her own home and her bills are paid because I set them up to be paid automatically. And the few that aren't auto I pay manually, out of her checking account. All of her bills are paid out of her checking account. I am assuming that your mil has a home. Or did she come from an apartment? I'm sorry if this information is buried somewhere in this thread.

I'm not going to tell you to leave. I myself have thought about doing that and the truth hurts, but I know deep down what needs to be done, again, in this case.

I think that your mil needs to be tested or assessed again. But I think, we may be just a bit jaded. I know I am!

I truly hope that this all works out for you and in your favor. I feel bad if anyone is going through a bad time and issues!

Best of luck!
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I don’t need the attacks on me for a comment that other people also made. I have had two major cardiac surgeries in the last six weeks. I am in the hospital now and having a third cardiac surgery in the morning, probably more complicated than the other two. This surgery will be a stop gap measure at best. I will be going on a heart transplant list. But since I’m not a good transplant candidate I probably won’t get a transplant.
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See, see what I mean? Becky can't you just leave it alone? We ask her to come back saying we care, then go on to down her parenting! When the hell? Did she ask for anyone's OPINIONS on the pool?!

It doesn't matter how sweetly we write it....it's slamming her parenting.
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Barb, you were NOT unkind! You never leave a doubt of your sincerity. Please don't think that.

CTTN, while it's ok for everyone to say these are written words void of the true sentiment and/or emotion, why can't people Understand when they are told they come across seemingly nasty or superior? The woman's not an idiot.

It came across to more then just me that way....remember I have a PM too.

This woman did not ask anyone to critique her parenting! She was simply trying to explain what she does for her son in this time of turmoil in their home. People know their kids, mine were maniacs, with absolutely no fear nor thought of consequence. They had to always be monitored. Maybe her kid doesn't.

And even now, AFTER her last comment, where she said she had cameras, that method was still found to be insufficient.

Don't you think she just might have felt like she was being talked down to. Like she was dumb? There's potential dangers everywhere for kids. We just do our best to protect them as we see fit. Everyone, everywhere will not always agree.

If we could just stay on topic and think before commenting, that would be nice. This is supposed to be about the poster. But nice job, she left feeling, ridiculed, belittled and attacked.
Somebody doesn't always have to be wrong, for someone else to be right.
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I agree totally about the pool as well. Kids, even very responsible kids, can be careless and have accidents, and the accidents happen quickly. An adult in the house in front of a monitor may not be able to react quickly enough.

All posters have the right to express their opinions on the forum in a respectful and non offensive manner. There is nothing in the guidelines that states that posters have to have posted a certain number of times to have the right to comment. I find value in many posts from both experienced and newbie posters. Everyone has a different perspective on a situation and should be treated in a kind and respectful manner. I don’t comment on things that I know nothing about. Ex. I know very little about hands-on caring for someone with Alzheimer’s. I only know what I’ve read and what I learned from working with the Alzheimer’s Association which is limited.
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CTTN; I totally agree with you. My comments about the pool were NOT a nasty dig; I'm a former camp director and water safety is one of my biggest concerns when it comes to children.

I understand that there are places where children swim in lakes, pools and rivers unsupervised and have done for millennia. There are always drownings that happen in those settings.

It's fine if you think that your kid is a strong swimmer, never gets a cramp, never hits his head on the side of the pool or the like.  If you're okay with exposing your child to that danger and will accept s/he might drown, that's your absolute right.

It's ANOTHER thing for you to have neighbor or friend's kids in your pool unsupervised. The liability exposure is enormous.

I never mean to be unkind. If I'm coming across that way, I'll have to re-think what I'm doing here.
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Pepsee: "...then the little dig.."I hope the kids are being supervised in the pool"

That was not meant as a dig. It IS unsafe to leave a group of 10-12 year-olds unsupervised in a pool. (And camera surveillance does no good if one isn't contstantly in front of the monitor. What happens when she's attending MIL?)
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Stacy, yep and this thread is a glaring example.
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Becky, I agree with you also, the mood on the forum across the board has definitely changed, and I'm not sure why.

There have been a lot of angry posts, and threads that don't seem genuine. Hopefully it is a passing thing, as I come to this forum for the comraderie and because sincerely care about the folks who helped me through some very difficult times, and also to try to give back, where I feel like I can be of some service to others.

I do believe that the OP had some serious issues and wanted help, but her tone did change in the past few days. Understandably, she is under an extreme amount of pressure, and has legitimate concerns, I only hope that she can find a way to make her life more manageable, as it sounds like H*ll to me! I did think she got some very sage advice! 
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Mally, Personally I'll respect a nasty mouth over a silver tongue any day.
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Stacyb - I agree with your comments. Not sure why but forum tone has seemed to change over the last few weeks. But maybe I’ve noticed it because I’ve been cooped up in the hospital so much lately - too much reading.
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Same as I say; some people here have nasty mouths.
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I called no names. I ran an academic program that compares writing styles to see if it is more than one writer or a troll type post. It indicated one female writer. I understand her anger, but the profanity and name calling on her part were inappropriate. She was offered advice that she was in no way obligated to accept or follow. But, using profane names and language was offensive. I follow very few threads and do not keep track of many posters.
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The reason why the OP's angry post seemed so out of context is that only 2 days ago she wrote this:

"Anyway again thanks for everything. I appreciate everyone's bluntness and no offense was taken. I've always been a true believer in telling it like it is and being honest even if people aren't going to like it. So again thank you all."

Still appreciative and thankful for the suggestions. So it did seem to me that perhaps her husband was responding as her.

I have reread all of the posts, and feel that Misery has been Very forthright with her information and concerns, reaching out to to find solutions, and she has received some very good suggestions. My concern is that now she may be getting grief at home for reaching out, and can only hope that everything is OK for her now.

So much put upon her, and all of a sudden too! MISERY, if you are still reading, I do hope that things have settle down, and that you will come back and let us know that you are doing alright! Nobody will be angry that you had a little meltdown, you are entitled and I can see where your feelings may have been hurt, and that folks were a little hard on you, but do know that the people on this forum do care about you, and only want the best for you! You take Care!
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I am sorry if I offended anyone by copying comments and running thru a comparison program. I did it to see if it was more than one person writing the comments or if it was a troll which it did not appear to be.
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Dear Misery, I don't think you can see the forest for the trees. By that I mean you are not seeing what has to be done. I agree with the others that said get a divorce or get your own place to live with your son. Too bad that husband don't think he can pay child support. You and your lawyer can insist with the help of a judge. Husband can take care of his mother. No excuses. You are not a slave. It may seem harsh, but the situation is harsh. Your son needs you. He is only going to be little once.
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What seems odd Mally?!? Seriously, she answered questions nicely in the beginning, gave more info. She felt harped on.....kept getting hit with, leave hubby and son being damaged and what not...then the little dig.."I hope the kids are being supervised in the pool"
She lost it! What the h*ll is odd? Then you guys continue to TROLL her thread.... H*ll, someone even copied her last response, and earlier comments and ran them through a comparison program!!!!??? WTF.....??? Get a grip ppl.
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Susan, I'm wondering myself.... a troll?  I think I saw OPs getting upset and striking out on 3 threads lately (?)  Could be wrong, if so, I apologise to Misery, but seems odd.
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I agree with the care shown, and the wonderful, well thought out suggestions and answers. I probably shouldn't have questioned the validity, as who am I to think such a thing, but it just seemed so filled with more and more and even MORE horrendous information, playing check and check mate to all the wonderful helpful suggestions. I am beyond sorry if it is as complicated and sad as it sounds. I pray for Misery.
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I contemplated that a bit too but thought it was a huge amount of effort to go through unless one has all the time in the world and wants an experiment. It would be a true shame but life is not predictable. I will say I am so impressed with all the care shown to one with such a strong need.
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I'll probably be persecuted for saying this...and I hope I'm right (as that means this horror doesn't exist) , but this sounds a bit too Draconian to even be real. And Misery's responses to well intended help, seem odd. So, have we been 'had'?
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I hope that OP is okay too. I wonder if she noticed that the first response and labeled top answer suggested heaving him. The final angry post could have been a realization on the OP’s part that she did have some serious decisions to make and decisions that would not be easy or popular.

When I first came on here I was in the middle of total dysfunction with my Mom and bad brother. I had a couple of responses that were disconcerting, but the majority were helpful. They gave me the confidence to do what I knew I
had to do. I was packed up and moved within a month or six weeks. My decision was not popular with many relatives and a few friend’s. I would not go back and change anything.

I think sometimes it easier to listen to those who are on the outside of one’s problem than someone too close to the situation.
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I just checked ebay. You can find a LOT of used medical equipment there that will make your life much easier since she will be continuing to stay at your house since none of the options suggested are working out for you.

Please use her money and get a Hill-Rom total care bed (that tilts in all directions). This will save your back in repositioning her. I've seen several ranging from $500 - $1,000. Some even have the air mattress which helps prevent pressure sores. You say she is able to stand with assistance. Get a Sit-to-Stand or Stand-Assist lift. If she cannot stand, get a regular lift. Again, save your back.

Get a daily routine down that has her clean, fed, diapered, meds taken and sitting up in a chair. Then so what you need to do for yourself for a couple of hours. There is a difference between needs and wants. If her needs have been met, let her "want" for an hour or two. Commit to playing in the pool with your son for an hour. This will relieve some stress and give you some exercise and fun time.

Do NOT let her interrupt your meals with a bathroom trip! She can wait 30 minutes. I guarantee you she is sitting there just waiting for you to fix your plate and have your first bite before she starts screaming to go. It is just like a toddler wanting attention.

Just because a person has medical issues does not give them the RIGHT to treat you badly, especially when you are the caregiver and trying your best to take care of them.
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I too thought that perhaps the ANGRY post (now deleted) from the OP, might have been from OP's husband.

There have been times in the past (on other threads), where I have suggested that the OP share their question they posted and the responses they have received here with their spouse, to get them to see other's ideas and suggestions, and even the OP's frustration level, to see if it might help them to come together and find a common ground, and a way to work together, but I guess that if the husband (if this was the case) saw and read the THREAD, he might have taken offense to her reaching out for Help, and responded (as her), to get her to stop airing their "dirty laundry".

But isn't that exactly what this site is for, to share the nitty-gritty, and to get idea's and suggestions on how to deal with these issues? If this is the case, and hubby came across Misery's post, either from her sharing or by accident and did not like her participating here, I could see him being angry, if that is his nature, and wanting her to put a stop to it, as some people are very private. I only hope that she is safe, and he isnt somehow taking his anger out on her! It is Sad, as she was only reaching out for Help, and I thought, getting some very good suggestions!

But again, if that angry reply (now deleted by the AC Administrator's) Was from MISERYINMD herself, then she sure did change her tune, from appreciating and accepting advice from the caring folks here, to feeling Angry and picked on, and lashing out on those very people. She and everybody must understand,  that people can only respond to what is written and interpreted. It is not always clear, which is why more information is often requested, to get a clearer picture of the situation, and from that, better idea's and suggestions do follow. 

I hope it is the latter, and she will soon come to the realization that the responses that she did receive were all for the most part, from people who have experience, have been in her shoes, or something simular and were only trying to help!

I guess that sometimes, honest truths are hard to take, however I do hope she is OK!
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Misery, I have been following this and I’m so sorry you and your family have gotten into this mess. You’re rightfully angry and confused about your options. The people on this forum are 99.9% helpful and caring. When you wrote you were “forced” into taking her and now you’re a “slave in your own home” and your husband “gets an attitude” or just “sits and watches” while you struggle, people were genuinely concerned for your wellbeing. It sounded like you were at the end of your rope and they were suggesting paths forward. Of course no one can understand the dynamics of a couples marriage just by reading a post. You evidently still love your husband despite the situation he’s put you in, and don’t want to give up on that. But posters may see this from a different view...outsiders looking in at a woman who seems abused. And they want to help her. Please read their advise in the spirit it was given...not to destroy a marriage you want to keep, but as help for a woman in distress. At this point my only advise is to wait it out until the next 911 call and trip to the hospital is made, when collectively you and DH decide she can’t return to your house. I wish I could help you more. The anger in your last post has a lot of us very concerned. Please come back on and at least let us know you’re ok.
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Barb, copied that post and ran thru a comparative writing program. It says one writer, female. I had a workshop on writing awhile back. Can’t remember all the details, but where a persons writing style is reflective of a person who influences them. The writer picks up words, speech patterns, etc. I think that post was probably a good dose of how her husband may talk to her. That would also account for all of the underlying anger that runs through all of the post. Fortunately, administrators deleted that last entry of Misery’s.
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Speaking only for myself, I am now uneasy about what might be happening in the OP's household. She said originally that whenever she asks her husband for help he "gets an attitude." I hope we haven't unintentionally made things much worse.

Misery, I'd be relieved if you can just let us know that you're okay.

And Misery's husband, if indeed you're listening, it is one thing to volunteer yourself for a courageous project. It's another to volunteer somebody else.
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Maybe it was a joint production, Becky.

If they can cooperate on writing a post together, perhaps they can also come to an agreement that having MIL live with them isn't the best for Mil.

And that consultation with an eldercare attorney who can guide them is a good use for MIL's money.
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Surprise, I’m so sorry about your experience with the loss of your grandmother. But, it is so good that you wrote poetry to help yourself.
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Yes, women don't usually mention not "getting l... (Some);" that's usually man talk from what I've heard over the years. It's so sad that this person who wrote is so angry with the great advice given here. Certainly I get the sense that Misery is not fully exploring her legal options for the competent adult she houses.
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