Follow
Share

I have complained about my mom's clingy personality and demands on my time on a daily basis. As some of you know she has mild dementia and lives on her own in her own house across the street, but I am her source of "entertainment' and companionship. Well, tonight things are in perspective for me. For the umpteenth time, my significant other, who I think has very narcissistic abusive (emotionally) tendencies, has up and MOVED OUT taking all his belongings, because I didn't "shut the h*ll up" after a very dumb argument he started. He literally left me again. I am the only adult in my house with a very small family anyhow; an 18 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter. I'm feeling relief that the black cloud has left the building.... but I'm terrified. I have co-dep tendencies and there is no coda place to meet here where I live. I am having a little mild PTSD due to my ex walking out on me and placing blame on me for everything. I feel overwhelmed more than usual. And then I had a new feeling. I was AFRAID of being without my mom! She and the kids are the only people who really love me and she is the only mom I have left! I am losing her in little bits and pieces due to the dementia, but she DOES take up a lot of my time. What is going to happen to me when my mom dies? My kids will probably be starting their own lives at that time and I'll have nobody who cares about me. I'm sorry if this sounds pathetic but tonight I'm having a very hard time and I'm really scared for my future. As much as my mom bugs me, I am going to lose it when she's gone. Any words of wisdom or thoughts?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

55 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
I think people are getting a bit off subject here. Nikki is asking for support while she goes through this difficult time. She does not have an empty nest and she has no plans to take her ex-boyfriend back. She just needs lots of hugs and encouragment right now. her big girl pants are on order and in time she will pull herself up by her bootstraps.but now she needs a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Empty Nest Syndrome! As people have said, you panic. It gets better whether you have a significant other or not. You actually get to slow down from being the caretaker and speed up your 'finding yourself' again. I am happily married and my hubby and I went out and bought Harleys and have fun riding and traveling when we can. You will have more money (even if you help out your children) since the utility bills are cut significantly, you spend less on gas, food, etc.
It's hard to think positive all the time and once in a while we all need to 'break down' and have a good cry. Think of it as cleansing yourself to start new. I hope you get through this and it sounds like you are a strong woman that will. May your new life without the "dog" be wonderful. Remember, you have a bond with your children that will last a lifetime and they might move out and spread their wings, but they always fly home.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Speak with your doctor about what you are feeling. I know it is difficult, but with life comes death-everything dies, this is the natural life cycle. We miss those that have gone but we have them in our hearts and in our memories. We can't go back and redo things, we can only plow ahead. You are never truly alone, so don't be afraid. Just when you think you can't stand it any more, things will change. Get out, meet new people, go to the library, look at community activities that you can participate in. My local paper publishes a date book section that has all sorts of activities for the community. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask about their caregiver support group, it helps to share feelings and you can receive tips on how to better approach your mom.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I am alone. Divorced an abusive, narcisist 10 years ago. My kids are grown and gone now, one living 1500 miles away. But I have to tell you, once you allowe yourself to be alone---really alone--and give yourself a chance to rediscover who you are and your inner strength again, you will become reborn in a sense. Flat tire? yea got AAA and got it fixed. Got laid off? Got another job. All my fears were basically realized and I conquered them one by one.

Now that I've grown and reclaimed myself, I can honestly say I'd rather be alone than be in a rotten relationship just to have a man. I control my own remote, I travel when I want, buy what I want, eat dinner when I want etc etc. Its truly freeing, not frightening.

What is more frightening is to allow your fears and anxieties to make you fear change.

The other thing, is please don't continue to expose your young daughter to this. She will grow up thinking its ok for a man to treat a woman like that and repeat this. Your heart will break when you see her in a bad relationship because you didn't give her a good role model. Be strong. You can live w/o a man really you can. Let your son see you are a strong woman too. Grow for them as well as yourself.

Get counseling if you have to. And what you described is called crazy making. If you read about abusive relationships, thats one of the signs...horrible behavior then turning around and acting all nice and sweet. It keeps you off your guard and makes you think "well if only he could be that way all the time" or "see I knew he was a good guy underneath" then bam! the rug is pulled out. Abusers see the weakness and they lose respect for their victims thinking "how much will see take before she's had enough." Usually the woman stays no matter what. Be glad he left.

Mostly, why do you want to stay in this relationship? You have enough with your mom on your plate and your teenage daughter. Allow yourself some me-time and personal space and after awhile you will enjoy it. take care.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
First off, it sounds like you will never be alone. Your kids will always be there for you. I lost my dad back in 2007 to colon cancer. He had stage 4 when the doctors found it. I was so scared when they said he had 3 months to live that I blamed the doctors and stormed out of the hospital crying. I drove from DC to MD crying the whole way. My point is that I blamed everyone (the drs, my dad, even god) because I was so scared. My ex husband almost put me in a nut house. I'm just letting you know this because I feel your pain, worry, and fear. I had to get help just to have someone to talk to. I have no kids, my ex husband didn't really listen to me. I know times like this are hard but we have to deal with it. If you have a special/best friend, maybe they can talk to you about this. As for you bf/husband, try going out for a girls night once a week or so and make sure you surround yourself with people who do love you. Keep your loved ones close even through the times with your mother. I'm scared of how I'll react when my mom goes. She's almost like my best friend (behind my fiance). You can always talk to me here if you need someone.
Monica
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Nikki I think your abusive boyfriend knew that you depended on him emotionally and he used you as his servant - never let you grow up. Thank your lucky stars that he has finally given you a chance to become a mature, adjusted and self reliant individual. You have as much right as anyone else to your life and your personal happiness. It is time to mature and develop self esteem. Trust yourself, you are a great daughter to your mom and probably a great mom to your daughters. Be proud of yourself. Look at the things you have accomplished, the love you have given to those who deserve it, the many wonderful things you can do.. The man who left you will be despondent over having truly lost you, like a parasite losing its host. Don't let him crawl back - and he will try - don't let this parasite suck more life out of you. Every day that you can make plans for your own, independent future, will let you gain strength. Your mom and daughters will love and appreciate you more when they feel your inner strength grow. Be good to yourself, treat yourself nice. You deserve it after all the suffering. Good luck to you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
There are online Coda groups. It would be great to find one and start to get healthy. The erroneous people in your life have left and that is more useful energy you have left for you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Nikki, I hope you've continued to heal and are feeling contentment.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Thank you, guys. I am lonely, but I have mom, the kids, my 5 cats... I can fill the void with SINCERITY and GENUINE love, even if it is from an animal. I will NEVER, (and I'm not kidding, I mean NEVER) even entertain taking him back for a second. Once you spit in my face, I mean I can handle a lot of dysfunctional emotion, but once you SPIT IN MY FACE, it is over FOR GOOD. I wonder if he realizes I'm never going to talk to him again?? His problem. Mine is regrouping, rebuilding, and realizing. I'm going to be okay. You guys are a lifesaver. thank you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Nikki......ok 1st of deworming medicine is cheap and u can get it from ur vet without an examine.....ok now.....I am going to say some words that will make you think.....1st of all we all come into this world alone and when its our turn to leave we leave alone....with that being said until you are comfortable with yourself being by urself....loving & respecting urself u can not love or respect anyone else....and you will never have a happy relationship....where your loved and respected for being who u are....not who you precieve the other person wants you to be. Now for your fear of ur mom dying, this is very normal...we know this is going to more than likley happen its the natural course. Think about your children they will be losing their grandmother and will need you to be stand strong & tall to be there for them and they in turn will be there for u...and even thou the heart ache from losing ur mom is almost to much to bear....you will still go on....i know lost my mom 17 months ago and every day is just as hard as the last....im looking after my 89 yr old dad who now has stage 2 dementia and is nasty, mean and down right hateful towards me....even thou i do everything for him. Regardless i must go on...as u will....and even thou ur kids will sprout their wings and fly away for a while...they will soon bless you with grand children and life will mean so much more than u ever thought....knowing ur mom will be there with u either in person or spirt....hang in there you will survive this storm too xoxo
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
SLOW DOWN NIKKI, focus on now, not what the future holds, concentrate on the kids and youre mum. youre other half has let you several times before, but you have allways let him back in again. no doubt he will try his luck again.. put the kids first they are youre main priority, they have witnessed his coming and goings many times, should you allow it to continue the kids may leave sooner than you think,why would they want to stay in an unhappy home? you have another chance now, he left,dont take him back( stop being taken for a fool) let the kids see a happy, relaxed mum. play music, sing, join in with the kids, let them see a new you. stop thinking nobody cares for you , you are a mum and the kids will allways care for you, I feel you have lost a lot of confidence, just by living with youre other half, you can get that back, it all takes time..this time next year you could have met mr right, I hope so but don't let that leech back into the kids lives again. I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
((((((((((((Nikki))))))))))) some big things going on and sounds like you are going in the right direction. Losing a sig other, no matter how dysfunctional, is a big change. and sounds like it will be a good one for you in the long run, though hard on you in the short run. Interesting that the panic attacks came on coinciding with his presence. Your kids will remain your kids, even as they grow and establish their lives separate from your home. Your mum, as you realise, will not be here for ever. Good advice to start doing some things or maybe better, one thing, outside the home for you. I am glad you have a home business that works for you. That is great. One day at a time, you will get through this and will get stronger within yourself. Come back and vent any time. - and BTW I agree with what you wrote to Fairygal.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I think Fairygal posted here without recognizing that her own thread was appropriate. That happens on other forums before folks realize the need to start their own threads. She's now done that.

Comments tend to migrate toward our own experiences, and sometimes many of us get "off the beaten track." I do it myself.

I think her actions were innocent and probably subject to the duress she's undergoing.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Fairygal, also how does what you posted have anything to do with anything that I wrote? Just asking. because I scanned and looked and can't find any words of wisdom, advice, anything at all pertaining to what I put out there. I get that you have your own issues, but why respond to the post I put out for help or advice or venting to use it as a pedestal for your issue? I realize we are all dealing with caregiving and it's hard. I am not heartless by ANY means. But if you know how to post to my issue, you can make your own thread, right? So now, back to you. I think you should think long and hard if your husband has his wits about him to go out with another man. I understand you are longing for attention and companionship your husband cannot give you, from what you wrote, but if he's aware you are doing this, it's not fair to him and I think you need to hold off.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Fairygal, this post is best put on your own thread, number 1. Number 2, you ARE married, correct? I understand you feel the absence of male companionship due to your husband's condition, but you are married. Anything other than a platonic relationship is like pouring salt on the wound of your husband and your marriage unless he's so far gone with Alzheimer's he wouldn't know the difference. Then I would say, well maybe it could be condoned. But otherwise, if he's aware (your husband) I would say absolutely not. And you wouldn't be able to keep it platonic, because first off, this guy you are "thinking of" doesn't want to take you out like a sister, most likely, and also because you are SAYING you are thinking about him. I would slow my roll.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I must not be getting the full posts here. I don't see anything in Fairygal's post about leaving or divorcing her husband.

Anyone else having this problem of only getting partial posts?

When my father was on tube feeding, the last thing he wanted to do was go to a restaurant and watch other people eat, reminding him of his limitations.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Fairygal, how are you feeling about things in general? Did your husband's stroke come out of the blue, was he in good health previously and then wham! - just like that? It's just it strikes me that two months - although it's a long time to be doing his feeding tube four times a day and feeling trapped - is not very long to adjust to a completely different-looking future. I wonder if you need to give yourself a bit longer to to settle down before you embark on new plans. Do you want to start a separate thread on the forum about that, maybe?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Fairygal if you want to leave and/or divorce your husband go ahead and do it after you find a decent facility and settle him in. What you are proposing is plain wrong and cruel.
There is plenty you can still do together if you put your mind to it and have the funds. Do you have a friend or family member who would be prepared to drive you around? you would have to cover their expenses of course but if the two of you had plans to travel you can probably afford to do it. The tube feeding really should not be a problem, you can do it easily in the car or a hotel room. Hubby can sit with you in the resteraunt while you eat or you can get take out and eat in the motel room or picnic if the weather is nice. How do you think other severely disabled manage when they travel and appear at public events. If you can't leave hubby alone now it is unlikely you will be able to do so in the future. He may not be able to speak but he still has feelings so think again about your plan and imagine how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot. You have not told us the state ofyour marriage before the stroke so further advice is impossible.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My husband has been home from the hospital for two months. He suffered from a stroke that left him with aphasia and we can't go out to eat. Before his stroke we talked about travelling around the USA, but since he now has a feeding tube I don't feel like going anywhere,because as of now he need to be fed four times a day through his tube. I know I need to go to a caretaker support group, but I don't know how to find one in or near DeSoto, Iowa. I don't drive (I have epilepsy) and I can't leave him by himself. Any ideas? fairygal
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My husband has been home from the hospital for two months after a stroke that left him with aphasia and a feeding tube. Our public health nurse Dallas county, Iowa told me he'd probably have the feeding tube the rest of his life. Before his stroke we used to talk about traveling to different places in the USA. Now I know I don't want to take the Jevity and tube feed him four times a day wherever we go. Since he can't drive this is a moot point, because I don't drive either. (I have epilepsy.) Is it wrong for me to think of another man, who can do all these things, as well as take me out to dinner once in a while. I know I need a caretaker support group, but I don't drive and right now I can't leave him by himself. Any ideas? fairygal
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Thanks everyone. He has written texted to me 2x. The first text was a question. I ignored it. The second one was an insult. I ignored it as well. That was 2 days ago. I don't want this kind of unreliable, shaky, eggshell relationship anymore. I am going to work very diligently on putting my life back together. I know who loved me in my life. Nobody is perfect; but I do know who loved me, and I am going to concentrate on that to the maximum that I'm able. I was pulled away (willingly; I take full blame) from a marriage that wasn't bad. I made some awful decisions based on false promises and total selfishness. Talk about regret!!! 8 years later, my husband and I are STILL separated, not divorced. But I am afraid that door has all but closed. I am trying but looks like the devil has won this one. We'll see. In the meantime, mom just called. yay!!!! "Are we going out today???" God, how I wish she had some other social outlet. She refuses all others. Thinking back she was a closet narcissist, sacrificing and helpless.... and age sure brings that to the forefront! Wish me luck - I have to grab my keys and take her... somewhere... !!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Hahaha...now the kitten has worms!! Our lives sound a little similar only in the fact that it seems like if it's not one thing, it's another!! I'm 58, my children are now 30 and 23...and I'm spending part of a week at home and the other part at mom's since her dementia is progressing. I'm also being forced into earlier than expected retirement in July since AA/USAir is moving my department from Tulsa to Phoenix. I've been guilty of giving too many chances to people and allowing them to use me...causing financial difficulties, etc. I could continue to look backwards and feel like an idiot...but I'm choosing to look forward now (you can't see the future if you're looking backward). I will also be alone ...my oldest sister died 10 years ago, my next sister probably has about 6 months, and my mom's mind will continue to disappear...BUT, I have 2 grandchildren (and some day you will too!!!)...and now that you have the opportunity to change things and make some good friends and ENJOY life, your outlook will improve! I wish you all the best...keep that chin up!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Good riddance. Count your blessings he left. In a few months you will wonder what the heck you were thinking. You need to focus on your real family. You don't know how much time you have left to spend with your mom so relish every minute. Now that the major source of your stress has left you will be in a better frame of mind and you will enjoy your mom more. You kids are so much better off with the bad role models removed from their lives. I can only imagine the stress level in your home. Kids are not stupid, they know when you are not happy.Your kids need to be around people that will teach them how to treat people and how to be treated. You wouldn't want your daughter to pick her husband based on how you have been treated and you sure don't want your son treating women the way you he has seen men treat you. That jerk walking out is a huge blessing.
Find a hobby to share with your kids. Invest your time and love in them. They will be growing up and starting their own lives before you know it. Send them out with love and kindness in their hearts. Some family counseling would be a very good thing. God bless you and your sweet family.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Nikki, wow it sounds like your life has taken a turn for the better, as far as the insignificant other, who would be so very non caring about you and what you are going thru - good riddance - you are way better off.
I would change the locks, do whatever legally you need to totally end the relationship with him (you know he will try to come back to you) and then do the happy dance. You, your kids and your Mom will be much better off without him and it will give you the time to treasure what time you have left with Mom and spend quality time with your kids.

You sound like an amazing person, raising teenagers, taking care of Mom - is so very difficult - hang in - you do not need an abusive man around to give you self worth - the more you stand on your own - that will come.

God bless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Nicki
Your boyfriend was abusive. No qualifications - just plain abusive. Emotional abuse can be worse than physical because there is no way for anyone else to know the extent of your pain. A broken arm can be seen and understood by others. A broken self can not.
Please contact a local domestic violence center. They're easy to find - you found this website and hooked up with many smart, caring people, you can also find help for what you're dealing with with your boyfriend. You'll be surprised how many others share your situation and the services a good DV center can provide for you and your kids. Kids learn from what they see. And if they see toxic relationships they can believe that's how relationships are supposed to be. On the other hand if they see you moving away from this and into a safe, healthy existence they will learn from that and know that they can always improve their situation.
As to medication, please look into a different Rx. There are many which may not have the same backlash effect on you. An Rx that's right for you will not. And think of it as - if you had diabetes you'd take insulin, not because you weren't strong enough to keep your blood sugar level, but because you needed to. Right now you may need to take something to help you keep your emotional health level.
What you're going through now is tough but you can do it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Not taking his side at all, however one must ask one self what is it I am or was getting out of all that/this? You were as present as he was for everything.
I had 3 years of anger management before I actually realized I was getting something from this person I was complaining of being very cruel, sadistic etc, actually the more sick they are the more sick it made me feel as I was admitting to being a part of it however my perspective was that of 100% victim which is very rarely the case. Get out and go dancing or go to church or join a forum online with one of your hobbies! Be an online expert at a website, I was an HVAC expert from 2008 to 20113 while caring for a Grandmother who was sadistic at the end due to strokes from Pradaxa.

My Grandmother came to me asking me to sacrifice for a 50% of the trust I was already 50% of!lol!
I went ahead as the 2 million insured my future security, and assured her as much time not living in a care home as possible and live with Family
My Sister in LA 500 miles away did not invite Grandma to her wedding and although she lives in the same city as My daughter for 30 yrs , the 2 never met!
And neither had spent a day with My Grandmother in 20yrs +

One day a new friend My Grandmother met from an agency the "friend" quit and started Grooming my Grandmother or encouraging her dementia delusions to the point she moved Grandma out of a care home into her home where My Grandma stroked and I learned changed her trust to give my $800k to my daughter!
Ok My Sister and Daughter, are getting the 2 million not me and sister unknown to me at this point, My Grandmother "staged " a fall and moved out and I was cut off from communication by her? her frinds were telling me they too were being hung up on!
I get a back ache that I felt were kidney stones and had to go to ER and gt a Cat scan where cancer was found! 2nsd stage! I cant tell you how many times I drove her to the Dr and saw a body scan for $300 and it never occurred to her. Anyways Sister and Daughter learnI have cancer and both drop off the planet and stop talking to me! I beg them to tell my grandma I have cancer they refused! WHY??

I got the trust and saw why they made sure I never was able to tell her I had cancer as I was cut off and they feared my being brought back into the trust to my former position!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Im glad your cat doesnt have worms but hopefully the anal glands are ok .. surgery if it is! Yikes animals are just like humans, medically.. but very lovable! We all have our bad days and its ok. Im glad your outing went well!

As far as your ex, I know its not easy even when we are treated like dirt. I kept taking 2 different exes back even tho they kept cheating on me,put me down well.. etc etc. I understand you love him and its hard to stay away. Been there too. But, you CAN do this :) You are doing this.

Worry about you, your kids and mom ( of course kitty) and you will be ok. Im here for you! If you dont want meds, try something else even if it seem like its nothing. Soaking in a tub, having some chocolate or tea, draw, learn a new skill anything to take care of you. I have to have my soda in the morning plus, if needed later. Bad habit but, it helps me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Nikki you will get there. You are already moving in the right direction even if there are a few bumps in the road. Just be careful not to put all your energy in Mom's basket. try and spread yourself around and include the kids too, they still need you as their mother not just gma's caregiver
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Veronica, bedtime needs? ha ha... he hasn't 'been with me' since last November. Says he's too tired all the time... tell you what; that's fine by me. I lost interest awhile ago in that - when you get no intimacy, you lose interest in the physical aspect of it. And he paid some of the bills... he did do things for me like ask if i need anything from the store, take care of the lawn and mom's lawn too.... he did "pull his weight" by helping me refinish and move furniture. But he HATED every second of being "tied down" and not able to control his surroundings, which were MY surroundings BEFORE he moved in in 2006. So... he never could settle into the household comfortably which is why I think he always left. No matter. I just need to find the energy to be enthused about hanging with my mom, who is most likely a closet narcissist herself. Don't misunderstand. My mother would do anything ANYTHING for me. Shirt off her back. But even as a kid I remember her being helpless, dependent on dad... and so much about appearances... maybe that is why I am co-dep to begin with. I may never know, but I know now she needs me, whether she played a part in my own dysfunction or not, and I have to let it slide because, after all, she is my mother. I just need to find a way to get enthused and excited again and pull myself together so I can be a great caregiver to her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Nikki nothing wrong with meds when you really need them. Think of them as a crutch for a broken leg or in this case a bruised heart.
Your ex is a very sick puppy and in great need of psychiatric treatment. I hope he gets it. Don't worry what he tell his family they are not your family and unless they are all as damaged as he is they know what he is like.
If you build good bridges with your kids they will never leave you.
By any chance did you provide food and a roof over the head for the black cloud. Thank goodness you were not married at least you will not be responsible for his debts. Of course you loved him, he could make you feel very special when the mood took him. A nice meal a bottle of wine at your expense of course served very graciously (we"lI leave the dishes till morning") and you were more than happy to serve his bedtime needs. Sorry that was gross. You were so good at rationalizing his behaviour and now it really hurts to see how he used and abused and manipulated you.
Stick to you guns Nikki and be true to yourself and your own family, soon they won't be all you have. There will be spouses and grandchildren for you to love.
Your mother will not live for ever, that is not possible so enjoy her while she is here and make plenty of good memories. You are stronger than you feel right now. Hugs
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter