I'm full of fear. Any advice?

Nikki, losing our parents is a fear we all face. They are someone we could always depend on. They wouldn't let us starve or go homeless (usually). They were always there if we needed a fallback. When they die, we become orphans with no choice but to depend on ourselves. It is scary, particularly when your significant other (SO) walks out the door. I never understand how people can just walk away. We live in a crazy, unstable world.

You will be okay, Nikki. Though it is frightening, losing our parents is the natural order of things and we manage to survive. Maybe her becoming dependent on you (and not codependent) is an opportunity for growth.

Do you want your SO to come back? Or is it good bye to bad rubbish? When you said you were relieved it made me think maybe the latter.

JessieBelle, thank you for answering... I was literally sitting here checking hoping someone would respond. xo Yes I could always depend on my mom and dad. My dad died in 2009. I let about 3 years go by not visiting or seeing him because I couldn't trust my ex to leave him here while I flew off to see my mom and dad. How pathetic looking back. And I was right to not trust him, in many ways. Regardless, I don't want him back. For what. So he can dump me in 3 or 6 months again if I look at him cross-eyed? Talk about eggshells. I would rather be alone and miserable, suffering horrendous loss of self-worth thanks to his abusive comments, and be lonely rather than to be with him. Other than mowing my mom's lawn he did nothing for her. He wasn't loving to her. He "tolerated" her. I wish I had a brother or a sister sometimes. I'm 48 and I just feel really alone. I went moseying over to mom's house tonight since my house was too quiet, and I hung out there. She was in heaven. But the house was hot, cluttered, and I was already nervous and depressed (not a good combo) so after about 45 min of hanging out I came home to a quiet house to be in misery on my own. He was a toxic bad mix for me. I believe in resolving issues and communication. I can admit I'm wrong. He gives silent treatments and punishes. He never admits he is wrong or gives an apology. All this "people pleasing" is catching up to me and I figure I would rather please mom than him now anyhow because at least she gives something back and doesn't play victim. My ex was looking for a cardboard box with tax papers in it in my closet today and he found a different box. It was a box with my dad's mementos in it from the day he died in the hospital of things like his crossword puzzle newspaper, his eyeglasses, his pajama shirt.... I asked my ex to hand me the box and he said, "Maybe after I leave you can sit and touch all your dad's things and ask your dad to give you a different perspective on things. Maybe your dad will give you some ideas when you sit and touch all his stuff....." (He wasn't being serious; he was being cruel) so that gives you an idea. So good riddance, for sure. But it still hurts.... it was still 8 years. And my kids are growing, I wasted time with this douche and didn't get my own family in perspective... and I have regrets for all of that. And now I looked at mom tonight and almost caught my breath and fell over because I realized she is all I have left, just like I am all she has left. And she is (probably) going to go first.... the kids are going to leave me and that will be it. I'm just a little down tonight. :(

Oh, gosh this sounds like a panic attack. I hope you have meds for that.

Nikki, what you need is a hobby for JUST YOURSELF. Find something that turns you on and do it. Re-establish connections with friends you've let go, join a gym, go to the library and spend some time, take a class, go to a gun range and learn to shoot. Find something that you think would be interesting to try, and DO IT. When (not if) your mom dies, make sure you don't cling to your kids and alienate them, so you need to have an interest of your own to fall back on when you feel you're left alone. And find a good church to attend too. That would be my advice. Good riddance to dead beat boyfriend BTW. ♥

Sorry you are having to deal with all this right now. You might look into counseling for you and your children. You allowed this man to live with your children all these years, they probably have issues as well.

Your children aren't going to "leave" you. They are going to grow up and want to have a happy life and family of their own. Just the way it is suppose to happen. You've got plenty of time to get yourself and your family on the right track, so you can be a healthy part of their adulthood. Don't waste another minute on anything but all the good you have to look forward to!

Wishing you all the best!

Nikki, so much depends on the way we look at things. I've had some self-induced nerve wracking days with a lot going on. This weekend I spent a lot of money at the auction. I sell things online. I looked at the things and worried and fretted if I made a good decision. They were so unlike things I was used to selling. I lay down for a few minutes, fretting about my purchases. Then I thought of one of the necklaces and thought about how exciting it was to learn about and offer new things. I got up and had a whole new perspective. It was all in the way I looked at it.

Admittedly a parent is not a necklace, but the same principals hold. Helping your mother can be a chance for you to grow. Maybe the things that are happening will ultimately lead to something very good for you. I'm not trying to sound new age here, just saying that all the things that happen to us give us an opportunity. Where we go depends so much on how we look at things. The good thing is that we can choose how we see things. Don't be afraid. :)

Nikki, I'm 53 and I'm your new big sister! We have been blessed with our mother's. My mother's mental health decline has caused her to rotate from calling me an Angel....to telling me to go to___ (you know where). New people will come and go in our lives so leave all your anxiety's to the Lord as I am trying to do.

Thank you all so much for your input! My perspective was clouded and depressed last night. I do have Xanax for the panic attacks and anxiety, but I hate to take it because, in my case, I get worse panic attacks hours after taking the Xanax when it starts to wear off. And I never take a whole pill. I only take 1/4 of one. It works, but only in the beginning, then it seems to do the opposite and bring the anxiety back worse.... (or maybe it's just wearing off...) - bottom line, I have never in my life had panic attacks or anxiety until I was in this relationship with this man, and I have allowed him to leave and come back into my life literally over 20x in 8 years. Even now, after he told me "I can't wait til you never call me again..." (AND I DIDN'T CALL HIM AT ALL AFTER THAT) He wrote to ME today and texted, "Does anyone know yet?" I haven't responded, but I feel like telling him that I have left a voice mail message with the Senate, Congress, and the Secretary of State!!! LOL

And I know my kids will grow up and I want them to grow up. I don't want to be one of those parents that clings and pushes her own kids away. I'm sort of used to being alone as I grew up in a rural area an only child anyhow.

I have a great hobby I love. I also buy and sell things online and have done fairly well for myself. It is the one thing that keeps me busy for ME, not in a caretaking role. And it helps pay the bills here.

I don't have ANY close friends I can call at 4:00am with a flat tire. Not one. I have acquaintances. This is because I was in this relationship for 8 years and put all my energy into only him. Big mistake.

So I'll hang in there, today is a new day and the sun decided to rise in my corner of the world. There are bills to be paid, a mom to care for, kids to keep on track, and a host of other things that need to be done. I'm the lynchpin of this household and when Mr. Wonderful ups and leaves, the responsibilities of a family and home ownership are still here, waiting to be attended to. I don't have the luxury of crying for too long.

I'm scared, but I'm going to do all this one baby step at a time.

Let's try to look at this from a different perspective.

Imagine yourself at the center of a circle, with one point representing your husband, another your mother and a third your children. You're in the center of the circle.

Imagine that you're refocusing from the husband mark to somewhere between your mother and children. As you gradually turn to them, your husband will be moved farther and farther way, in your mind foremost regardless of where he's living now.

These are the areas on which you want to focus. Remind yourself that you're past the husband stage when he made your life miserable, and thank yourself every time you think about it that he's out of your life now!

Also remind yourself that having him out of your life leaves you free to focus on the family that are important. Keep thinking of this, over and over.

Make a cup of coffee, herbal tea, and do something that induces relaxation - listen to music, pet a cat, go for a walk. You'll have to force yourself to rethink to get to a quiet stage of peace, then you can move forward from there in a different direction. Use metaphors, such as getting off a crowded freeway onto a ramp which will take you to a quiet country place, to the beach, or someplace relaxing. And start planning for low or no cost activities with your mother and children.

At the beginning of each day, ask yourself what you'd really like to do, what would make you happy, and do it if you can afford it (it helps if these are cheap activities).

At the end of the day, remind yourself what you've done to make yourself happy. And go to bed cherishing those thoughts.

Then, when you're more relaxed than you are now, start planning the rest of your life with your mother and children.

You're right that eventually your mother will be gone, but it's good in a way that you're seeing that now so you can spend the rest of her life enjoying her and knowing that that time was well spent, w/o regrets.

Same with your kids; they'll eventually grow up; enjoy their "childhood" now and you'll be proud of them when they're adults.

Just keep trying to shift your focus to the positives of having more time for your family now that your husband is gone.

GardenArtist thank you for your kind words and truly helpful ideas and advice! But he was never a husband. I refused to marry him after I realized he had mentally and emotionally abusive tendencies. He truly has a personality disorder, Either that, or he's just Jekyll and Hyde. I would not marry him any longer tho we were engaged in the beginning. My panic attacks will subside and I will think clearer now that the pollution is not in my face... it was very negative energy at times and just when you want to end it, he would turn around and be caring, thoughtful, etc. crazy crazy....!

Well my daughter just told me she thinks the kitten has worms. Lovely. $$$... I have to go make an appt for the kitten...

Nikki, thanks for the response and explanation. Actually, it's good that you weren't married because now you don't have to go through the hassle and cost of a divorce.

Just don't let him return! He's a verbal abuser and manipulator. In fact from what I understand, he has the classic manifestations of an emotinal abuser.

You probably realize he's dragged you down. No longer!

Your posts today are so much stronger; I see the strength in your pesonality and want to encourage you to rely on that and consider this man out of your life forever!

I too am not comfortable relying on pills, and in your case it sounds as if Xanax eventually has a reverse reaction after the initial relief.

There are plenty of meditative activities that are safe substitutes. Music, art, nature....try to find some that your kids enjoy as well.

And best wishes for turning a bad situation into a good and healthy one.

I try to get out in the yard and tend to the flowers and tomato plant. I like to see my basil and parsley grow. Sometimes, I get the urge to paint. I have painted canvas works of lion and cat faces. I think I would be able to handle my mom's needs more effectively with more ease if I wasn't always thinking about the state of my intimate relationship with this man. I think he is toxic and I know he is volatile. He wrote this morning and I have so far ignored him. And he wrote again, more nasty. Still ignored him. He has narcissistic characteristics. I don't know if he falls more on the Anti-social side or the Histrionic side of Narcissism, and what does it matter. It is affecting me, my family, and it's enough already. I have to take back my life. I think just being an only child that has let all her friends go has come back to bite me because I know I have 2 teens, a 91 year old mom, and ... that's it. So I need to regroup.

Okay, it sounds as if this man is becoming more agitated and volatile.

If he's texting, save them; copy and save all his texts on your hard drive or to a flash drive. And print them out and save in a safe place.

It's time to start documenting in the event you have to get a PPO.

Don't take his calls; don't respond to his texts; don't let him in the house. From what you wrote, he's accustomed to being the dominant person, manipulative and emotional. And he may get more hostile when you don't fall into the past pattern and take him back.

Warn your children not to talk to him or respond to texts, and not to let him in the house. If they are in school, contact the school administrators and warn them that no one except you should be picking them up from school.

Perhaps you should even contact the local PD and ask them about protection, especially if he's been violent in the past. I doubt there's anything they can do until he does become violent again, but there will be a police report of your concern.

And that's another reason why you shouldn't consider letting him back - because of the effect on your children. You don't want them to grow up seeing a mother who's subordinate to a dominant, cruel, volatile man.

Thank you GardenArtist. But, one thing you don't understand is he is not the kind of guy to stalk at ALL. He's not the kind to pick up my kids, and he's never in 8 years been the kind to so much as drive by the house after abandoning me. I have always been the disordered blame-taker and beggar. Always. I have always tried to do the changing to his needs and wants, and I have always been the one on eggshells. Sadly, because he projects, he blames me for the things I just described and tells me that is how he feels around me. But it's projection, plain and simple. I have walked a straight line with him, and the issue is that someone (an old platonic friend from my past) flirted with me on FB. Not only did I not respond, I didn't even think to hide it. But HE found it and next thing you know, I'm a piece of crap. Additionally, I actually wrote back to my old friend on messenger right in front of my ex and said, "my relationship is important to me. I am taking heat for your message and I would appreciate you not writing to me again, sorry." Even THEN that wasn't enough!!!! Nothing is ever enough. About 3-4 months ago, HE found a friend on FB. He claims he was looking for her husband. He found her. That was fine, but after I found out she lived local, and she and her husband were no longer together, AND my ex was posting and sharing crap to HER page and nobody else's, I called him on it. So now, he says this is the same thing and I "anniliated" him and it's time to do the same to me. There is no comparison. Is there ever one?

After he peeled away with all his belongings in his truck yesterday, telling me "I can't wait until you never call me again, leave me alone!!!" - I spent yesterday doing JUST that. Leaving him alone and the toxicity of the relationship. Fighting the panic and anxiety but overall doing as well as can be expected. This morning I wake up to a text, "Does anyone know yet" (meaning, I think, does anyone know he left and moved out)... I was tempted to answer, "Why yes! I have left a message with the Secretary of State and Congress, and am awaiting a call back from the Senate!" But I thought screw it. I didn't answer. For what. To engage in more crap again? Now, he just texted 3 hours later again, after I ignored his first text (and I usually don't ignore him) and he wrote the name of the person I've known for 15 years that innocently messaged something kind of funny and flirtatious to me last week; something I hadn't even responded to, that got this ball rolling for my ex to "leave" me. He wrote his name and then wrote "of all people..." As though I had done something wrong. (I hadn't.) What gives ?

I know this is a site for caring for the elderly. And I do care for my elderly mom. But it's hard to do with all this nonsense.

I finally ignore him, do as he demanded, and did not call. And what happens. He starts in on me. He is going to try to anniliate my character to the people in our lives (his family) and they may believe him. And I think he sucks. It's just hard to tend to mom with all this crap. And I want to care for her AND ME better than this. I'm exhausted mentally from trying to explain myself, take blame, fix things, and respond to him when I am trying to heal. I'm not responding anymore.

I apologize for making this about a guy instead of about mom. But it's all connected and it affects my care of her. And I needed to vent.

Nikki, thanks for the update. I took some time to read your profile and see that you've been in a subordinate position for some time. That's not a criticism, just an observation.

And seriously and with concern, try to find a support group, perhaps for battered women (which includes emotional battering) and rebuild your self-esteem so you can move forward.

Nikki, my last marriage lasted just short of 8 years and it was a miracle that I didn't miss him one bit...especially once I started the dating thing again. I only hurt for what it put our boys through. God sent me the mate I needed after that and we've been together 24 yrs as of TODAY. Good luck in all you do and with your mom. I will miss mine too when she is gone...for now its regular visits to the nursing home for me. You have a great day!

Nikki you've already hit the nail on the head for yourself back there: one step at a time.

One big thing has happened, and it's made you think all at once about all of the other big things in your life: your mother, your kids, your future.

But you don't have to tackle them all at once! As you said, one step at a time.

And meanwhile, the first big thing - the b/f packing and moving out - well, sad in a way, one can't help regretting the waste and the what-ifs (mainly "what if I'd spent that time with someone who'd have made better use of it and not been such a jerk"), but this is a GOOD thing. As you said, again, a big dark cloud lifted off your scenery.

So it might feel a bit draughty at first, with all that light and fresh air in the place, but actually, then, the first big thing is really good. Now you can see. Now you can breathe.

Best of all, from now on you decide your own next steps. Good luck go with you x

I understand how you feel, bad past relationships, family issues and just the thought of losing another loved one. But everyone has great advice which I will take for myself too. All I can suggest is to let your mom know how much you love and make those memories :)

I hope your doing better today and you always have us on here! I know its not the same but your not alone.

I hope your kitten is ok! Good luck and your in my thoughts

Oh dear Lord. Nikki, the correct English term for your ex is "twat."

As for the does anyone know yet (drum roll…) when his wife or daughters announced that they were going to do anything, like go to the bathroom or put the kettle on, my grandfather used to say, without looking up from his book: "I shall alert the media."

2much - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! I'm so happy when a marriage really works for both people :)

Thanks guys. I took my mom out for a bit today and I cleaned the house from top to bottom, getting rid of his fingerprints and stray hair! You see the problem is I loved the guy. I know you would say 'how do you love an abusive minded man??' but I did. Because he could be good. And funny. And helpful. But then I would see his engines revving in his mind (I could tell) and before you know it I was totally discarded again. And blamed. I was the one always wrong. The things he promised me this 20-something time of coming home that wouldn't bother him of course ended up bothering him. He asked me to change one thing if he came home and I did change that one thing. But it's never enough. It never stops at one thing. He just was more than I could take and I was so exhausted trying to keep him content all the time. That's not how it is supposed to be. And I probably clung to him because my family is small, and I lost my best friend, my father, in 2009. Once that happened I really clung to my ex. No matter. I will try to accept the fresh air and that sunshine again. The light is coming in. But after "sleeping" for 8 years, your eyes get used to the dark and the light hurts at first.

So I'm trying. But I do feel lost. I was driving mom and me home from the store about 1/2 hour ago and I looked up at the sky and 3 words came to me. "Everything falls away..." :(

countrymouse, thanks for that word! It is very close to my ex's term for me, which was C**T. And the W word, of course... he liked to call me both. When he wasn't surprising me with dinner or helping me around the house. The one thing almost worse than being called the C word is being spit on. And I was spit on this week which was really the thing that sealed it for me. He did it deliberately 2x because I wouldn't "STFU". That's when I knew I had to let him go if he decided to move out, which of course he did. That's why this time I'm really trying hard not to respond to his snarky messages.

Me1000, the kitten is fine. He is so darn spoiled and loved by me and the kids. But I ROARED at him when he messed up the papers. I guess it came out verbally from me. Better to the cat than the kids... the cat slinked away because it's not like me to yell at my pets AT ALL. I found him and loved on him. I refuse to let anyone become a casualty of war, even my kitten buddy. Mom was happy I took her out today and now that he's not stressing me out, I am able to be a little more tolerant with her and her memory loss. She will be emotionally needy of me until she's gone, and I'm okay with that. I need to put what is important in perspective and I'm really trying to do that and let my ex alone, but it's hard.

Nikki you can get worm meds at the drugstore. A lot cheaper!
There are longer acting anxiolytics, I have found Xanax/Ativan kick in fast but lose effect in about 4 hours. Ask for Klonopin (clonazepam) or a similar Rx that will kick in slower but level out longer. Share your experience with the pharmacist and your MD to get the right stuff.

Pam apparently it's not worms kitty has... he has pus coming out his butt. I think it's anal glands ?? I don't know. It's not a lot but it's sometimes. (Sorry for the grossness!)

and Pam I don't want meds for me. I have only taken the Xanax after a particularly bad bout or two with my ex, usually after he's gone to bed or walked out on me, or packed his crap and left me here lost. I didn't need anything for the past 2 nights. I'm trying to do this all natural. Where I can.

Nikki nothing wrong with meds when you really need them. Think of them as a crutch for a broken leg or in this case a bruised heart.
Your ex is a very sick puppy and in great need of psychiatric treatment. I hope he gets it. Don't worry what he tell his family they are not your family and unless they are all as damaged as he is they know what he is like.
If you build good bridges with your kids they will never leave you.
By any chance did you provide food and a roof over the head for the black cloud. Thank goodness you were not married at least you will not be responsible for his debts. Of course you loved him, he could make you feel very special when the mood took him. A nice meal a bottle of wine at your expense of course served very graciously (we"lI leave the dishes till morning") and you were more than happy to serve his bedtime needs. Sorry that was gross. You were so good at rationalizing his behaviour and now it really hurts to see how he used and abused and manipulated you.
Stick to you guns Nikki and be true to yourself and your own family, soon they won't be all you have. There will be spouses and grandchildren for you to love.
Your mother will not live for ever, that is not possible so enjoy her while she is here and make plenty of good memories. You are stronger than you feel right now. Hugs

Veronica, bedtime needs? ha ha... he hasn't 'been with me' since last November. Says he's too tired all the time... tell you what; that's fine by me. I lost interest awhile ago in that - when you get no intimacy, you lose interest in the physical aspect of it. And he paid some of the bills... he did do things for me like ask if i need anything from the store, take care of the lawn and mom's lawn too.... he did "pull his weight" by helping me refinish and move furniture. But he HATED every second of being "tied down" and not able to control his surroundings, which were MY surroundings BEFORE he moved in in 2006. So... he never could settle into the household comfortably which is why I think he always left. No matter. I just need to find the energy to be enthused about hanging with my mom, who is most likely a closet narcissist herself. Don't misunderstand. My mother would do anything ANYTHING for me. Shirt off her back. But even as a kid I remember her being helpless, dependent on dad... and so much about appearances... maybe that is why I am co-dep to begin with. I may never know, but I know now she needs me, whether she played a part in my own dysfunction or not, and I have to let it slide because, after all, she is my mother. I just need to find a way to get enthused and excited again and pull myself together so I can be a great caregiver to her.

Nikki you will get there. You are already moving in the right direction even if there are a few bumps in the road. Just be careful not to put all your energy in Mom's basket. try and spread yourself around and include the kids too, they still need you as their mother not just gma's caregiver

Im glad your cat doesnt have worms but hopefully the anal glands are ok .. surgery if it is! Yikes animals are just like humans, medically.. but very lovable! We all have our bad days and its ok. Im glad your outing went well!

As far as your ex, I know its not easy even when we are treated like dirt. I kept taking 2 different exes back even tho they kept cheating on me,put me down well.. etc etc. I understand you love him and its hard to stay away. Been there too. But, you CAN do this :) You are doing this.

Worry about you, your kids and mom ( of course kitty) and you will be ok. Im here for you! If you dont want meds, try something else even if it seem like its nothing. Soaking in a tub, having some chocolate or tea, draw, learn a new skill anything to take care of you. I have to have my soda in the morning plus, if needed later. Bad habit but, it helps me.

Not taking his side at all, however one must ask one self what is it I am or was getting out of all that/this? You were as present as he was for everything.
I had 3 years of anger management before I actually realized I was getting something from this person I was complaining of being very cruel, sadistic etc, actually the more sick they are the more sick it made me feel as I was admitting to being a part of it however my perspective was that of 100% victim which is very rarely the case. Get out and go dancing or go to church or join a forum online with one of your hobbies! Be an online expert at a website, I was an HVAC expert from 2008 to 20113 while caring for a Grandmother who was sadistic at the end due to strokes from Pradaxa.

My Grandmother came to me asking me to sacrifice for a 50% of the trust I was already 50% of!lol!
I went ahead as the 2 million insured my future security, and assured her as much time not living in a care home as possible and live with Family
My Sister in LA 500 miles away did not invite Grandma to her wedding and although she lives in the same city as My daughter for 30 yrs , the 2 never met!
And neither had spent a day with My Grandmother in 20yrs +

One day a new friend My Grandmother met from an agency the "friend" quit and started Grooming my Grandmother or encouraging her dementia delusions to the point she moved Grandma out of a care home into her home where My Grandma stroked and I learned changed her trust to give my $800k to my daughter!
Ok My Sister and Daughter, are getting the 2 million not me and sister unknown to me at this point, My Grandmother "staged " a fall and moved out and I was cut off from communication by her? her frinds were telling me they too were being hung up on!
I get a back ache that I felt were kidney stones and had to go to ER and gt a Cat scan where cancer was found! 2nsd stage! I cant tell you how many times I drove her to the Dr and saw a body scan for $300 and it never occurred to her. Anyways Sister and Daughter learnI have cancer and both drop off the planet and stop talking to me! I beg them to tell my grandma I have cancer they refused! WHY??

I got the trust and saw why they made sure I never was able to tell her I had cancer as I was cut off and they feared my being brought back into the trust to my former position!