It's only been a month - but feels like a year. The anger and resentment I'm feeling are making me turn into a horrible person. I'm getting so frustrated at my mother who vacillates from "I can do it myself" (she can't) to being needy and self pitying. We had a space reserved at assisted living - move in on 8/29 - but now she is saying she doesn't want to go. Now we're in the ER because she was exhibiting possible stroke symptoms - but all tests are clear. She's saying things like "I don't know how I'll be able to go home" if she can't get out of her bed to use the bathroom - this after a nurse said in passing that she might get admitted to the hospital. I can't tell if my mom is truly experiencing medical issues or is manipulating me into feeling guilty so I'll relent on having her go to assisted living (which she was all for two months ago). Help!
We placed my MIL about 8 months ago, and the day it happened, my BIL said, sadly, "We should have done this 5 years ago".
She was routinely falling--like sometimes 3xs per day, whether someone was there or not, she still fell.
You have a set 'move in date'. Keep to it. Turn a deaf ear to the pleas that she can 'do it herself' b/c she can't.
OF COURSE she doesn't want to go. That kind of thinking doesn't usually go hand in hand with the aging brain that thinks they're just fine.
Your resentment and anxiety will get worse and worse. I watched my MIL's constant need for 'something else' take the wind out of her kids' sails. By the time she finally passed, they were all completely burned to a crisp. It will be some time before the 3 of them have 'feels' that aren't rife with anger or resentment or even pain. My Dh had to RETIRE to care for his mom---it has been a very tough change for him.
She is trying, likely whether consciously or subconsciously to change the inevitable and she must not be allowed to do that for your own health and well being.
You didn't cause all these problems of our aging elders.
You can't fix it.
This is life and it isn't about guilt. You aren't a felon and you aren't a Saint. Your mom has to enter care and you can certainly feel shared GRIEF about that. But this must be a ball you keep rolling. Sorry. Know it's very tough.
This is actually great that she is in the ER now .
You tell the ER and the social worker at the hospital that Mom is scheduled to go to assisted living on 8/29 .
You also tell them that you can not take care of her at home , that it’s an “ unsafe discharge “ if they try to send her home today or tomorrow .
Hopefully they will admit Mom at the hospital . When she is discharged you have her brought straight to assisted living via transport . Best money ever spent. This is what I did , I used Mom’s money to pay for the transport . They will take her right into her room at assisted living room . It’s much better than you trying to bring her in the car and then Mom refuse to get out of the car at assisted living .
All you need is for them to keep her in the hospital until 8/29 . If they keep her longer call her assisted living and tell them she will be later . But call them anyway and tell them she will be coming straight from the hospital if they don’t send her to rehab first .
This actually could work out well , going straight to AL from the hospital or rehab. Either way , use a transport service , don’t bring her in your car at any point , even if she goes to rehab first . Use a transport to rehab and then again to assisted living. The social worker at the hospital can set that up , but you have to tell them otherwise they assume you will take Mom in your car .
Good Luck .
She has had a life.
Now, it’s time for you to live yours.
It’s okay to refuse to take her home.
Then, she can move into the room waiting for her.
You can then become a visitor, not a caregiver.
You give no info about your mom's baseline health conditions, so it's hard to advise you really.
I made the decision right up front that my folks would go into managed care bc I didn't want to do any hands on caregiving, and my mother was personality disordered, so we would NOT be cohabitating. I let them know early on, and that was THE best decision I ever made. Mom wound up living for 10+ years after moving to my state, and we'd have strangled one another had I been caring for her in my home!! 😑
Do not compromise YOUR wellbeing over guilt......you know you cannot deal with moms care, so don't. Better to say Sorry Ma now than to caregive for years and be out of your mind with resentment. That's no way to live.
Best of luck.
That is the first step into getting her placed in the appropriate facility. Now you MUST tell the hospital social worker, your mothers doctor and whoever else that will listen that your mother CANNOT return home as she has no one to care for her and that she is an unsafe discharge.
They will then have to find the appropriate facility to place her in where you can get back to just being your mothers child and advocate and not her burned out, resentful and angry caregiver.
So go talk to the social worker RIGHT NOW!!!