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Yesterday I went to my mothers to try and help her with some things and was going to take her to the bank today to try and figure out some issues she was having with the loan on their property. My moms birthday was also yesterday she was 93. So a little back ground. 12 years ago my brother was basically homeless and he had burned every bridge. I took him in but we couldn’t keep him with us as we were struggling at this point in our lives. So my mom didn’t want him there, but finally relented and I took him over to her place which is 2.5 hours from everyone else in the family. My dad shortly after was diagnosed with cancer and my brother of course took him to Drs appointments and many times we were told to stay away because things were to difficult there. We all sent money and tried to help from a distance and would go do work around the property and not go inside and stuff. So my brother has been there for 12 years. My mom Pays him also provides him a cabin to live in and food and internet and such. So yesterday I was trying to help my mom find out information about this loan as I’ve begun paying this loan and things just don’t add upon looking I found out that my brother is on both bank accounts and she has written him checks for upwards of $1,700 a month. My parents have nothing except they were both getting SS and they have cabins that they were renting out until COVID hit. I do not think my mom realizes how much she is giving him but it’s more than I make in a month but I’m paying this loan payment regardless. So yesterday my brother who has been in his cabin all day shows up to eat (my mom still cooks for him) we had offered to go get dinner since it was my moms birthday. He didn’t want that so he came up to find something and she started cleaning off the table for us. My husband had taken our 14 year old son with him to get the food. My brother tells her to stop cleaning off the table that he wasn’t going to be staying. I was there helping her and I said to her he said he’s not staying. She said well I still need to move these for us to sit and eat. So he said angrily don’t do that I’m not staying. I said she’s cleaning it off for us she’s fine and she had set a basket of bananas in the floor. He says oh that’s right I can’t say anything in my own home and started to storm out. My mom was like what is going on. He said I asked for you to stop but I get over ridden. I said she was clearing it off for us. He said mom knows I eat a banana every night yet she moved them. I said I didn’t hear you say anything about wanting a banana my mom said me either he told me to shut up or he would shut me up.( He has a history of violence) I said I’m calling the police he said you won’t live to make that call. I said leave this house now he said it’s my house. I said you live out there this is moms house. I called my husband to come back and he did but he didn’t want to stay because my brother has my moms shot gun with him out in the cabin. I couldn’t leave my mom like that she kept making excuses for him like always. There is so much more to this than I can even get into right now. I said mom there is no excuse for him getting so mad over a banana. I know she is dependent on him as he is dependent on her. A few weeks ago he texted me saying he needs a poa so he can take over things. My mom has some short term memory issues but she is sharp as a tack. I told him then that we would both be on a poa and I wouldn’t go against moms decisions or wishes because she can still make decisions for herself. He told me then we have a problem. I said nothing more about it to him. He says he wants to sell the property and he needs to obtain a loan to pay off the property and to live on until it sells. My mom says she wants to give him $50,000 when it sells. I said mom there are laws you can’t give him that kind of money because when you go into a nursing home Medicaid will look back 60 months to see if anything like that happened.

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Your brother is mentally ill.

Do you understand that?

As long as your mother chooses to live with and enable her unrehabilitated, convicted felon son who is not getting treatment apparently, you have no standing or ability to keep her safe.

Please call the authorities (APS).

And stop paying the loan.
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IneedPeace Jun 2023
It seems that the brother is evil, not mentally ill. Most mentally ill are not violent criminals.
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Leave.

Call Adult Protective Services in Mom's area and report her as a vulnerable adult who is being financially abused.

Be sure to mention that the abuser is a mentally ill family member with firearms.

Stop paying the loan. Immediately.

Only the State has the means/authority to fix this problem.
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LFrownfelter Jun 2023
My heart is broken because I know she will never forgive me she has always protected him for some reason. Our dad died when I was 15 my dad I was speaking of was my stepfather that I adored and loved so much. He loved me and now I think my brother might have been mentally abusive to my father when no one was around.
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My advice would be to call APS and tell them what you have told us.

I do not think it advisable to serve as POA here, nor to share POA with someone who so easily pulls a gun.

As to your own funds, if you are independently wealthy then that's fine; but if you expect to have anything for your own elder years I would reconsider investing in this family dynamic in any way.
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southernwave Jun 2023
Independently wealthy people wouldn’t waste money like this!
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DO NOT PAY THE LOAN!!!! As others have written , call APS. Your job is to protect your mother. Your brother is a convicted felon, He should not be anywhere near your mother.

Stop throwing money at this mess and think about your own old age.
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LFrownfelter Jun 2023
I don’t think APS will do anything because she will say she gave him the money and that he’s not mentally abusing her.
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I don’t mean to be rude but your story boggles my mind. The only thing that matters is the your mother’s safety.

Since when does your brother have the right to call the shots? People who feel entitled, like your brother does, will always try to gain control.

No one should cave in and give him what he desires. ‘Keeping the peace’ attitude never works out well in the end. So what if your mom gets angry with you.

You may as well allow her to become angry. She will get over it, and if she is as sharp as you claim, she will thank you later for protecting her.

In fact, focus on the fact that you are looking out for her best interests and push anything out of your mind.

Right now, she is too emotionally attached to your manipulative brother.

Once she has some distance from him, hopefully she will be able to see things more clearly.
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LFrownfelter Jun 2023
I agree I just can not to this alone anymore. I have lots of family saying you go do this you’re the only daughter she will listen to you, but she is dependent on my brother. He’s is dependent on her so there is nothing I can do except wait for things to crash down and I’ll be there to take care of her. I am enabling this situation to continue by paying the loan payment and I will have to stop even if it’s hard because they won’t be able to pay all the bills and eat. 😕
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I’m sorry this has become such a mess. Please know a few things are true—your mother has chosen your dysfunctional, user brother to defend and provide for to her own detriment. Next, she is no longer capable of making sound, rational decisions or she would at least see the situation for what it is, even if she chooses it. As it is, she’s living in an unsafe environment with a bully. Her cognitive skills are likely more impaired that you’re realizing. If this were my mother I’d take her, without brother’s knowledge at all, to an appointment with an elder care attorney to have her much needed documents and wishes planned out legally, minus the input of brother. Tell her nothing of it so he is not tipped off, once there she can meet with the lawyer on her own so you cannot be accused of having your way. The money spent will be well worth any cost. I’d also consider if mom is living in fear of loser brother if a call to Adult Protective Services may be needed at some point. I’m sorry your mom has chosen this path. My dad relentlessly defended my barely functional sibling and it did a lot of damage. But I did get dad to a lawyer and he received sound advice that helped us both enormously. I wish you well in this, it’s very hard
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Daughterof1930 Jun 2023
Amending my thoughts now that I’ve read your further updates. Please call Adult Protective Services as soon as possible, like tomorrow morning. Your mother is in desperate need of protection. And do not give another cent of your money to this situation. Though you have a good heart and are trying to help, the help is actually hurting as it’s causing the brother to be enabled further in his abuse of your mother. Please act before something even more awful happens
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Just my humble opinion, but we are talking here about a man who is, according to the OP, likely using drugs, and who is definitely in possession of firearms he is brandishing openly. And to my knowledge, the mother who is harboring him and taking the OPs handouts of money (which is quite beyond my ability to understand) is not mentioned as demented, tho I may have missed it in this long post.

I would not be involved with that group whether in terms of visiting, arguing about bananas or giving money. I would report them to APS. If APS isn't finding any problems that's fine. I would move on and away with my own life.

That's just me. The last thing I would want with this group is a POA or guardianship.
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LFrownfelter Jun 2023
My mother is not at all demented. She is well with in her right mind. She is just being manipulated by him. He is a narcissist and a liar. I could tell you stores that you wouldn’t ever believe someone would believe, but she does. He claims he was exposed to radiation when he was in the military (he was enlisted for 4 years, was never deployed or went over seas. I know this because I was very close to what is now his ex wife) he claims that because of the radiation he has a rare form of diabetes. He also claims he has PTSD because of other things that are far fetched and ridiculous. I found out today that he was taking her to the Dr to get the medical poa. He doesn’t take drugs but he is very mentally unstable. I have decided that nothing I do will change my mothers mind I have begged, I’ve told her all the things he’s said and done showed her texts that he sent me, but she has made her choice because he’s there that’s her reasoning. So I will no longer make the payment I was doing it because she gets such a small SS check and there isn’t anything left after bills for them to live on. I was trying to be helpful, but I am just being an enabler for this to continue.
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Do not pay the loan. You are just burning money.
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LFrownfelter Jun 2023
I’ve decided I can’t pay it anymore. Hopefully she will forgive me and one day I’ll be able to care for her.
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Elderly vulnerable moms so often think their sons walk on water, and will defend them , unfortunately ,sometimes to the death ( either the sons or their own) . This is a horrible tragedy waiting to happen. You MUST be strong and brave and call APS and request that they do a tandem unannounced well being visit with the local police department and report that he, as a convicted felon, has a gun....He surely is already on their radar, but they may not be aware of the extent of the danger in the home. You are loving your mom by protecting her...yes, she may not forgive you ..but you need to stop paying any more money or loans .IMMEDIATELY. Sometimes Medicaid can grant a waiver of the look back if you take steps now, and there is elder abuse .which of course is happening. It must stop NOW and you cannot handle this on your own safely. Keeping you in prayer....
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babsjvd Jun 2023
Ditto..
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Nothing in this scenario will change unless you make changes.
If you bail out your mom and or brother you will continue to do so until you need a bail out as well. Why put you and your family in financial risk. (You are also teaching your kids, grandkids that it is ok to make poor decisions cuz someone will help out)
No one is POA so mom can make all the poor decisions she wants and your brother can continue to manipulate her until he is done with her, sells her property and kicks her out.
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LFrownfelter Jun 2023
Yes that is exactly the conclusion I’ve come to as hard as it’s going to be I’m not going to be the enabler anymore and I’m not going to be there paying the bills and be treated like I do nothing. If she can’t make the payment let it go back to the bank sell it like you’ve said for the past 15 years. I have begged them to sell and move away from the lake and come closer to me and everyone else. She won’t ever leave she is attached to that place which I understand and my dad is buried across the street so I think she won’t ever leave.
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