I'm in a dilemma with my son and I don't know how to feel about this. Any advice?

Don’t worry about “how to feel” Your feelings are your own and can’t be helped. You’ve been hurt by your son and don’t know what to do next. For him to not visit because his dad had dementia was wrong. I have a sibling that would rarely come to my mom’s nursing home, saying it upset his family. Truth was, it upset him. I found the excuse flimsy at best, but had no choice but to accept it. Keep reaching out, especially to your grandson, but do so without expectations. Over time you’ll be able to let the past hurts go. And where you stay in their town is your choice, stay where you’re most comfortable and don’t justify your choice. I wish you healing and peace

You heard perhaps the adage:
"My daughter's my daughter for all of her life;
My son is my son till he gets him a wife" ?????????
Don't know why but this often happens.
I would stay pleasant and cheerful as you are able and try not to make judgements and comparisons. I can't guess at what relationship your son had with his Dad because he isn't here to ask. Either is his Dad. So I would go on with life as it is now. The couple asked you to stay with them. If you wish to do so, then do so, but given family dynamics don't expect perfection. If you would prefer staying in a Hotel tell them you would look on that as a great adventure, having your own wonderful room, that you would "enjoy the day with them and watch bad TV with cocktails all night". In other words a)let go of the past and b) have a good time. I wish you luck and am sorry for your loss.

My son would turn the world inside out for his DAD but never calls me to just chat. That pendulum swings both ways.

Does it hurt? OMGosh, yes, but I can't change it so I just go with it.

His wife doesn't care for me, so the call to not spend time with me is hers. I have 4 daughters and my Sons in Law more than make up for the loss of love from my son.

He was here over the w/e as his dad was in the hospital with something they never DID dx. Son usurped my POA power and got him released days before he was ready to come home. I guess I could have kicked up a stink about it, but it's not worth it. We cannot make people love us, or even like us.

Dementia is a really, really hard thing for a lot of people to deal with. You yourself know how hard it truly is. You had no other choice but to deal with it, so you did. Your son and his family chose the easy way out, you could call it, the 'put-your-hands-over-your-eyes-and-pretend-it-doesn't-exist way of dealing with it. What that did was leave YOU in the lurch, with nobody to talk to or reach out to, which was cowardly, really. They left you alone when you needed help MOST in your life. Now that your DH is gone, they're wanting to reach out and invite you back into their lives because they love you. I'm sure they loved your DH too; they just didn't know how to deal with his illness.

You can try to forgive what happened in the past with your DH and how your son & his wife treated the whole situation, or, you can hold onto your anger & grief and continue to alienate your loved ones even further. If it were me, I think I would accept their invitation and at some point during the visit, I'd bring up the matter and lay it out on the table. Let YOUR feelings be known, and how hurt you were over the whole situation of being abandoned during your husband's run with dementia. Ask your son & his wife what they will do if YOU get diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's? Will they run away from you, too, as they did with your DH? Or perhaps educate themselves about the condition so they can deal with it if/when it crops up in their lives next time. Burying ones head in the sand never fixes anything.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward & fixing damaged relationships with truth, honesty and LOVE.

You are getting mixed messages. Maybe stay with them and see how it works out. If you are uncomfortable, the next time get a hotel room. I think we may be doing it more and more when we visit. Much more private. Or just thank them and say u would be more comfortable in a hotel.

I understand the Dementia thing but I hate the excuse "just can't see them that way. And your son still had a mother. Like Alva says, the son usually leans toward's the wifes family. I see it all the time.

I am finding out not to expect. Makes life a lot easier.

Was your husband's his dad? If not, did you and your husband make him feel like he was one of the family or was it a strained relationship?

My mom didn't want me to have a good relationship with her husband but, she would try and guilt me for not treating him like my stepdad.

I felt like I couldn't win, so I quit trying. Now that he is gone I am able to talk to her more often and we even did a road trip in April to get some nature therapy. Not something that would have been possible when he was alive, even when he was healthy.

Dear Alzdone,
Neither of my children will come home to help me with their grandmother (my MIL). It has strained our relationships immensely.
As I learn to forgive them, I'm slowly building new relationships with them. I know they are not cut out to be human caregivers (my shortcoming?), and I cannot expect that from them. I try to focus on the joy they can/do bring.

If you value your son and dil, overlook their shortcomings, and enjoy the good parts.

You are hurt by what your grandson wanted? Put your resentments with your son an DIL behind you and try to improve what you have with your grandson or you will resent him too! Be smart, you cannot change the past but can influence the future! Life is short and unfair. Put your hurt feelings away and deal lovingly with the people in your life! Be smart, no on ever said life was fair!!!

You would do well to forget the past and your hurt feelings for they have the power to destroy what is good in your life.

I can understand your son and DIL not wanting to bring their kids around someone with dementia. Children should not have to see that.
Did your son have a good relationship with your husband? Was he his father?
How you deal with the feelings you have towards your son and DIL is to sit down and have a serious conversation with them. Tell them that their behavior concerning your husband hurt you very much.
Then give them a chance to talk as well while you listen. Also, you have to be honest with yourself. Think long and hard about why your son had no relationship with your husband. I'm pretty sure you'll find that the dementia really didn't have all that much to do with it.
Your son is trying to reconnect with you. He's reaching out. Give him a chance. You'll feel better if you do.

Sympathies for the loss of your husband.

From what you have said, it sounds like either he or he and his wife couldn't handle the dementia. There are people who can handle some things and not others. Some hate hospitals and avoid visiting. Some don't know how to deal with illness and stay away. Some don't understand and haven't learned how to deal with dementia.

My OB was one, according to my mother, who hated doctors, hospitals, etc. He was sort of okay with mom when dementia was first realized. She repeated a lot, but was still somewhat capable. He isn't local, so visits were not often, much less so in the last few years (dad passed in 2008.) He came up for the "move" (I left that job to the 2 brothers, to try to avoid being the scapegoat, esp since I knew I would be the one doing all the work and interfacing with her.) He came up a few times for a week or so to help clearing/cleaning her condo.

During his last trip here, we went the evening he arrived with pizza. I busied myself with another resident who enjoyed my help with jigsaw puzzles, to give them time together. Although he said she kept asking what I was doing, it seemed to be going okay. Before heading to the condo (1.5 hrs away), I suggested he pick up some DD coffee and doughnuts and visit with her while I get ready. He wasn't there long but didn't say anything. Another day, after coming back it was too late for another trip, but still early, so I suggested he go visit her, knowing that he wouldn't get many visits being so far away. He flat out refused and said he "didn't know what to do with her."

Part of the problem is not knowing how to "work" with someone who has dementia. Once I realized she had an issue, I had to read up about it because I knew nothing about dementia. Despite trying to share various things I learned, neither brother was receptive. Sometimes it was totally rejected OR I was told I was a know-it-all! If he had taken time to learn about it, even some, he could have had visits during that last trip, but nope.

Another factor was having her mother live with us, part time. She was easy going, easy to care for and didn't have dementia. She was also a lot younger - two of us were college age, the other only about 11 or 12. Their memories of caring for her (or rather just having her there) probably clouded any thoughts about caring for/visiting old people. It was very different!

He never came back to see her. Over 2.5 years later, she had her first known stroke. I had cut ties with him for a different reason, but felt it was only right to let him know. It took 15 hours to get an email response that was just "thanks for update." No questions, no concerns, nothing. Although I don't know for sure, I don't think YB was visiting either, at least not after a year or 2 (she was in MC for 4 years.) It is so sad that they can't see beyond their own issues and at least give it a try!

Since they are inviting you to visit/stay, this is most likely the reason for appearing to shun you both. Take what you can get for a relationship and don't be too hard on him. As noted, some people just can't handle it. Try not to compare their relationship with her family, not even the grandson - he had no real choice in the matter! Yes, it hurts to hear what he said, but it wasn't meant that way. My grandson will never know a grandad, as both were gone before he was born (both divorced too.)

As for where to stay, a hotel is a good idea to book, just in case. You may feel you need some "space" when visiting. You have your routines, they have theirs. Blame it on privacy, not wanting to impose, needing a break, whatever works. You can, during the visit, try staying over, but always have that hotel room, just in case!

Enjoy what you can while you can. Get to know that grandson and work on keeping the relationship going. Due to the distance and virus, I haven't seen mine much, but he loves getting mail and packages! Makes me smile too!

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband and the situation you're in. You never refer to your husband as your son's father - and it makes me wonder if this was his biological father - or step-father. There is also no indication on the relationship between the two prior to your husband's dementia.

Can you have a heart to heart talk with your son without anger and recriminations? Did something cause a breach between the husband and son? Is it as simple as your son just couldn't handle your husband's dementia? Can you forgive and learn to leave the anger and bitterness behind no matter the answer? Do you want a good relationship with your son, his wife, and your grandson; if so leave the baggage behind. It sounds as if you son is offering an invitation. Whether you accept or not is up to you - stay where ever you will be most comfortable.

Good luck.

You do exactly what you want to do. Stay in a hotel if you are uncomfortable there. You don't have to explain yourself. Your grandson can come and stay with you there for a sleepover
I see some saying maybe he couldn't deal with it. Well most of us can't but we do it anyway. I certainly can't but I wouldn't leave my mum to do this alone.
Get a great hotel room and treat yourself like a queen.
It is harder to feel left out when you are better company for yourself than anyone else!!

In reading your post I think your son did not have a good relationship with your husband. The problem was more than just your husband’s dementia. As a result your son put a barrier between you and himself because of your husband, and now that barrier is gone. It seems that the barrier was there for a long time and your son did not discuss the reasons for it with you. You probably should not analyze it now unless your son volunteers to review it with you. I would stay at his house and use it as an opportunity to start building a better relationship between you, your son and his family which I think you want to have with him.

Focus on your relationship with your son. Based on what your description your son and husband didn't have a good relationship. If you felt neglected during your husband illness, be honest with your son. BUT try not to punish your son for not developing a relationship with his father that he didn't want. At the end of the day, you do what you need to do -- but be honest.

When you are hurt or offended by someone, there are 2 ways of dealing with it. You can decide that it doesn't bother you that much and forget it, or if you know it will keep bothering you, you must talk to the person. Explain to your son why you are hurt, and I hope he will ask your forgiveness. If he does, it is up to you to forgive and forget. Festering about it will do no good, and your hurt feelings will come out in other ways.

If you want to have a good relationship with your son and DIL, then you need to be honest with them. If they don't respond in a good way, then it is up to you how much of a relationship you want to have with them in the future.

It is possible that your husband's dementia scared your son or DIL, or it made your son too sad to see his father in that condition. Some people avoid situations that they don't want to face. That's not an excuse, but it is a reason.

A friend once told me..."forgive early and often". As many on here have said, we don’t have all the facts such as the son and father's relationship, son's personality, your relationship etc. There are always two sides to a story. It’s obvious your feelings are hurt and understandably so. Since you didn’t breach the subject with your son when DH was alive, the hurt has been smoldering. Confrontation is difficult for most of us...we wish the other person would just read our minds. If you sweep this under the rug, you may find you still have the hurt and resentment. If you don’t feel you can have a private heart to heart with him, then please consider a visit with a therapist. Not only will they hear you out objectively, but help you decide the next course of action. Please consider. Whatever you do, the grandson is not the one to "punish"....stay in his life and you can bring a photo album of his grandpa and talk to him about his life and also explain what dementia is and why he died. I hope all goes well.

Sorry to say but it doesn't sound like your son was very close to you or your husband.

How could he and his wife ignore ya'll at all the baseball games, except for the hi?
Did you or husband try initiating a conversation or stayed quiet?

Yiu didn't say how bad your husband's dementia was, maybe your son didn't feel comfortable around his Dad with dementia?
DI'd they have a good relationship before?
Maybe he didn't let the Grandson spend the night thinking you had enough on your plate already.

DI'd you ever ask to have your grandson spend the night?

The daughter must be closer to her family and your son just goes along.

It's understandable
that your son's actions hurt your feelings but you should have had a talk with him years ago while your husband was alive.

Families lives get hectic and full and it seems your DIL made a point to be around her family and your son didn't.

Lot's of maybe's and thoughts but you'll never know unless you have a long overdo talk with your son and let him know your feelings.

Some grown children are just more family oriented than others.

DI'd you get along with your daughter in law?

Did you and husband get together with your son and family for Thanksgiving or Christmas?

Prayers

It sounds like your son has more reasons then just dementia that kept him away. You say YOUR son never stopped by to see YOUR husband. And then blame it on YOUR husbands dementia.. Y. ou went to baseball games and YOU felt like an outsider because YOUR son and HIS wife did didn't talk to YOUR husband. They never stopped by to see YOUR husband. Did you think they might not have stopped by because of you, not your husband? You are blaming all this on husband. You were there too yet you are the only one hurt? I, sorry, believe you may be selfish and see things only as they affect you but never your fault. Look at all the nouns that in normal relationships are replaced 'we'. It sounds as if you are separating yourself from your din and keeping your husband separated from your son. Think about it was you read your message over. This might be more on you then your son or din. Sorry is it sounds mean

I’m so sorry. This is very painful.

if you stay with them it may help to build a more solid relationship.

My advice is to take things as they are and seek out other close and meaningful relationships in your life. Do you have other children? Nieces and nephews with which you feel close?

I was extremely close and a caretaker to my parents. At the end of their life it was “too hard” for any of my siblings to come around. During that time I became even closer to my uncle, some of my cousins and their children, who behaved like immediate family.

i have friends who are now more like siblings.

I can understand your hurt feelings but please don't let those feelings dictate the rest of your life. It seems to me as if your son has matured and has regrets over not spending time with his father. You can't re-write the past but you can affect the future with the decisions you make now. Go and visit and your son and Daughter-in-law and enjoy your time with your grandson. Don't bring up old hurts and events that can't be changed. Be kind, gracious and generous. I guarantee you will return home feeling happier and blessed.

Have you ever heard the expression! “Your son is your son til he takes him a wife. Your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life.” I am certain many people are experiencing the fact that their sons more often go to visit their wife’s family. That being said, was your husband his birth father? Was he afraid of the impact on his son of his grandfather’s dementia? Would it have scared him? I am only sorry you didn’t have this conversation with your son before your husband passed. You need to talk to him now, privately. You need to tell him it hurts but to do so in a way that is nor accusatory and guilt-provoking because that could only make things worse. Others have mentioned that we don’t know what your son’s relationship with your husband was like before he had dementia. I realize you are afraid such a conversation would end up with you feeling more hurt but just bottling it up and making assumptions about why he did what he did or does what he does will only get worse. Say a prayer and then talk with him.

Sorry for your loss of your husband.
Was this loss recent?

You have asked: You don't know how to feel, nor what to do, and need advice.

Give yourself time to grieve. Try not to displace any anger, resentment, hurt or bitterness on others.

There is a book out about parents of adult children. A lot of words just to say smile when you see them and welcome with open arms. Snacks or food and NO questions.
I wish I had an accepting family also. Just didn't happen. I have learned to be thankful for anything with them. I just focus on where I want to go with my own life and friends who accept me for who I am

Dear Alzone,

please don’t waste your energy on the past. Maybe your son couldn’t face the fact that his father was no longer the man he wanted to remember. Let it go enjoy your son and family. If you’d rather stay at a hotel gently tell him. I always stay at a hotel. When my late husband got sick he literally wasted away, lost lots of weight. I had taken pictures and documented his last times and made a collage for each. Two of my sons said mom I want to remember him not sick. So maybe that’s why the issue here. But don’t be hurt. I’m sure that was not your son’s intension.

2 Options

Option #1 - Meet with your son and DIL without your grandson being present. Let them know that you are hurting that they would not come to visit you and your deceased husband when he was alive. Listen while they explain their anxiety and/or indifference to your needs and your husband's dementia during that time period. Hopefully, they will ask for forgiveness and your will grant it.

Option #2 - Let it go - forgive. Missed opportunities can not be remedied after death. Build relationships with people in the present. Use your time to get to know the man who is your son, the woman who is your daughter-in-law, and the young man who is your grandson. Don't let hurts from the past rob your opportunities in the present.

Hello.

you could visit your son but keep in mind if you decide to stay permanently things could change and discontent for everyone could likely set in.

It sounds like you have a range of choices limited only by money. If so ...

hotel ... ive heard of people who do that and are satisfied with room cleaning/breakfast there if provided/eating other meals out/having food delivered BUT possibly not much socialization

shipboard ... really ! Ive heard of people doing that too. Traveling, seeing parts of the world youve never had the chance to see before/Room cleaning/all meals onboard or at different ports/doctors services/new and different people to socialize with.

independent living ... meals provided/room cleaning/socializing/activities/van to doctor and stores.

You say "I don't know what to do..."
Sounds like there are two or more issues / concerns here.
1. You feel hurt how your son/DIL related / interacted with you and primarily your husband when he was alive.
2. You feel hurt in what (supposedly) your grandson said "... he wanted to spend time with his last living grandpa" - Question: Is this after your husband died?
* he is a child and doesn't understand dementia. Frankly, 99.9% of families do not understand dementia and do not know how to communicate / interact with a person inflicted. This includes your son and DIL.
* As your husband is gone, it is important that you are not emotionally 'stuck' in the pain / hurt and get it out.
- Have a heart-to-heart talk with your son. Tell him how you feel. It doesn't matter if you know how you feel. You are hurt, perhaps confused and do not understand his behavior (when your husband 'his father' (?) was alive.
- Get it out somehow to heal yourself, and release the resentments (?) / hurt you feel with your son.
* While difficult, practice forgiveness. It will HEAL YOU. Your son and DIL did the best they could with how they felt: very uncomfortable. They likely felt grief having lost a father/FIL who was alive and 'not there'.
- Try to look at the situation from their point of view. It is difficult for 99.9% of us interacting / dealing with a person w/dementia. Most people who feel uncomfortable, afraid, confused will 'turn the other way' and leave = not interact. Because they do not know how to.
* DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO HEAL YOURSELF.
- I do believe (1) talking to your son will help and
- Forgive him 'for they know not what they do' (phrasing might be a Bible quote - I don't know). Gena / Touch Matters

Alzdone,

You have not come back to reply to any of those who have posted already.

What I am reading is that your son has called and otherwise kept in touch with you. He let you know the ball game schedule and acknowledged that you attended the games. What more did you want him to say?

Your son and his wife have gone on holiday with her family while you were at home caring for your husband who had dementia. Are you jealous of these trips? I am not sure why you mentioned them otherwise.

You son feels comfortable having you stay in his home, but did not feel comfortable having a person with dementia in his home.

You mention a sleep over with the other grandparents. Could you have safely had your grandson for a sleep over while caring for your husband?

Think back to the last time they did stop by when your husband was alive. How was the visit? Did anything untoward happen? Did you present your son with a honey do list or a list of complaints?

Is your home set up for kids to feel welcome?

My Mum complains that my brother rarely calls, yet, she also never mentions when he does call. My brother complains that every time he talks to Mum she talks about dying.

He did not visit when my step dad had dementia. It was not possible to do as a day trip and it was far too chaotic for his family with three children to come to Mum's house.

Mum's house is not kid friendly. She does not keep toys for visiting children, the yard is next to a busy road and not fenced. No play ground close by etc. Basically it is boring for the kids to be there.

My brother and his family go on at least one camping trip with his in laws each year, plus visit them at least once a month. Why would Mum be invited along?

Your comment that "This hurt me so bad because when they are in town they never stopped by to see my husband." hit a bit of a nerve with me. A cousin of my ex husband got all shirty with me years ago, because we had traveled 6 hours to the region she lived in and did not stop in to visit her. She thought she had the right to dictate our plans. I got right back up in her face and told her in no uncertain terms that I too have a family in the region and have every right to visit them without stopping into to her place.

I know you are grieving the death of your husband.

Language matters, you use "my husband" numerous times in your post, but never say "his Dad".

Talk to your son about this. I can understand why you are hurt! I felt the same way when my father had a stroke and no one except my brother and I would visit him. When he was dying they came to see him and acted like they were so wonderful. All I could think was why were you NOT there when he needed you.

It is hard to forgive especially when they don't understand what they did hurt you and your husband. Let him know that you were hurt ...allow him the opportunity to tell you he never meant to hurt you and that he is sorry too. Give him that chance, but be careful not to attack him ...give him a chance to explain.