I think I need professional help. What type of professional do I look for that can help me deal with being the care taker of my parents with dementia? Today I go take care of my parents and the anxiety I feel each day is unbelievable. It happens every morning that I go help them and even when I don't have to go. I shake so uncontrollably..that it scares me driving the hour to reach them. I never know what I'm going to face when I get there. Either a great deal of poop of my moms to clean off her and everything she sat on, or my dad forgetting an important discussion or just forgetting simple but important things. They refuse to move to assisted living or memory care. I always had my dad help me with my mom and her dementia. Esp her refusal to take a shower or use the toilet. It's a battle to get her to do either of those things. I don't understand why the toilet is the enemy to her...other than it's the part of her brain that reasons wrong from right that is affected by her dementia. She would prefer to go in her depends.
My dad's memory has gotten progressively worse over the past 2 months and it's happening fast!! So now I have both of them to care for. I am losing myself and so filled with anxiety that other than taking care of them, I cannot function. They finally agreed to some home care and I thought things would be easier for me. It's not. I am coordinating home care, physical therapy for my mom before she becomes confined to a wheelchair or bed. Wound care for her foot. Got a paramedic group in their county to come out and give my mom her first covid shot. I have a repairman coming to fix their washer today. I am on the phone constantly when I'm not with them. I worry about them all the time!!! I can't stop!!! Now I'm having trouble convincing myself to shower and my home needs cleaning so bad. I feel like any minute something bad is going to happen to them. I feel as though my life will consist of taking care of them, then my step mom and finally then I will die. That's all that's left for me. I don't enjoy anything that I used to and don't want to even leave my house if I can avoid it. I myself am on disability because of half a dozen autoimmune diseases. I am not an only child. My sister lives 10 min from them but doesn't help at all. She set her boundaries early on and has stuck to them. My step brother lives in another state and even though he is 65, has the mind of a 16 year old. He wants to come home but no one but my sister ( his half sister) has room for him. She set her boundaries on him a very long time ago and wants nothing to do with him. I'm the only one that has helped him and kept in touch with him for over 40 years. I've had a sister die of suicide, a brother die of Hep C and liver failure. My biological dad passed immediately following heart surgery. My step mom is wonderful and wants me to visit but I don't have myself together enough to make the 4 hour drive. I'd be miserable company as well. I need help. I am on antidepressants and only buspar for anxiety. That doesn't touch it. My psychiatrist has been the same for the past 30 years and I feel like he doesn't hear me anymore. What type of therapist should I see that can dive deep into my situation right away and help me help my parents and myself??? I thank anyone in advance that can help me in this situation where there is no happiness to be seen anytime in the future.
If you can’t get 24/7 care, then the facility is the only option.
My mother had a fit and called probate. The judge and HER attorney sided with me as they saw her on oxygen in a wheelchair, didn’t know what day it was.
It was a palace and she ended up tolerating it. (Narcissist won’t admit they like anything you do for them)
Once they’re settled you can turn back into a daughter, and visit when YOU want to.
You did plenty so no guilting yourself.
Two is a lot, for one family member.
Be proud of the care you did give as it was, the purest form of giving.
#SaveYourself
It does seem you need help yourself. I'm told everyday that if I don't take care of myself that I will not be able to take care of my husband.
First you help yourself, then others. Why is it your obligation to take care of your parents and not your sister's? You may just have to put your foot down and tell her you refuse to be totally in charge. Let her know which days you plan to check in on them and tell her it is her responsibility the other days.
Wishing you the best ! Don't put off getting help for all of you. God Bless
You are important, and your parents need more help than you your self can do.
One thing even though I continue to spend a lot of time making appts, or other things for my parents now that they are in a home. I am starting to see that they have care, food, a safe place and it will not be perfect but it is good enough, because living in there home then mine was good not perfect.
You are important, your parents have lived a good life and I hope you can find help for yourself and for them.
I appreciate your feedback!!!!! Thank you!
Do you have medical insurance? Check to see if they have a resource for therapists, many also have a help line to call for help and advice. Most offer mental health services via a phone call.
Check to see if any local religious or service organizations have resources that can help. Catholic Family Services was a huge help to me and we are not catholic. Did your dad belong to any group that you can reach out to? Masons, Lion's Club, Rotary, etc.
Was your dad in a military? The VA may be able to help.
Its very hard to ask for help and admit that you can’t do it all yourself. My parents were embarrassed for anyone in their small town to know "their business" and let outsiders know they couldn’t cope by themselves.
Of course, a therapist can’t change the circumstances. They aren’t miracle workers. They do assist us in learning to know ourselves better. We aren’t always able to see ourselves as others see us.
Many people that are in a state of confusion won’t or can’t admit that they are lost, or have misguided ideas or are simply stuck in a rut! It helps enormously to gain an objective viewpoint on our situation.
We have to be open to considering alternative options as a solution. Change can be frightening to us. Transitional times are always unnerving in the beginning. Taking the first step is always the hardest step to take. Later though, we often look back and wonder why didn’t we take it sooner? Sometimes it takes completely stepping away from the mayhem to see just how irrational it truly is to continue in the same pattern of behavior.
Best wishes to you.
My stress was cut in half once I placed mom. Still plenty to do and vex about, but not near as much.
If you've been to a psychiatrist for 30 years and nothing has changed, what makes you think a different type of talk therapist can fix what's broken or prescribe a pill that will? It's like I tell my mother's doctor; ain't no pill on earth gonna fix 94 years of a negative attitude on her part. And no talk therapist to help you until you decide to change your life by reducing your stress levels.
Wishing you the best of luck changing your life.