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Your parents need to be placed in AL so their needs are met by professionals who are equipped to provide them with the care they need for their multiple issues. Their needs and wants are not more important than yours, and your health is rapidly deteriorating. You're still relatively young - don't sacrifice your health for this level of caregiving. And, please find a new doctor. The one you have isn't listening and even you understand that.
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Grandma1954 Jul 2021
Assisted Living is not the appropriate place for someone diagnosed with dementia. AL they can walk out. AL they would have minimal help compared to MC.
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A therapist is not what will help you unless they're willing to move into your parent's house and take care of them 24/7. An hour away is too far to go every single day to take care of them, but not so far that if they had 24-hour care you couldn't check on them regularly.
You have two options here. Either find a nursing home for them to be placed in or move in 24-hour live-in caregivers.
Then take a ride over to your sister's house who's five minutes away and tell her she can take her boundaries and stick them where the sun doesn't shine. Say the same to your brother too.
Let them both know that since they do absolutely nothing and won't act on mom and dad's behalf that you will have to. This means they're going to a nursing home. If brother and sister are worried about possible inheritance, well they can take over mom and dad's care themselves.
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Your parents need to be placed in the appropriate facility, where they will receive the 24/7 care they need, and so you can get a much needed break from their care. Their care is killing you. And I think you know that, that's why you're reaching out. Please it's not worth it, when there are logical solutions available to you and your parents.
Your parents care has gotten way beyond what any child could endure without the help of professionals in a care setting, and you know that, so I hope and pray that you'll take the necessary steps to get them placed ASAP.
You do not want to be in that statistics where the caregiver dies before the ones being cared for do you?
And if you've been seeing the same therapist for the last 30 years, and they still haven't helped you, then it's way past time to cut your losses, and move on to someone different. It would be helpful too, if you could get plugged in to a local caregiver support group. Try Googling to see if there is one in your area. My support group saved my life when I was at my wits end while caring for my husband.
We all have our breaking points, and it sounds like you have passed yours. Please take care of yourself. You probably need to put on a different antidepressant as well, as the one you're on obviously isn't working anymore.
You deserve to find happiness and joy again in your life, and my prayer is that with God's help you will.
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Grandma1954 Jul 2021
wise suggestion about the Support Group, Wish I could give you more than 1 helpful answer 😊
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They both are beyond Assisted Living and need Memory Care
You are currently propping them up by doing all that you do.
As long as they are both no longer decisional you can place them in Memory Care, they can remain together.
You do need to find another therapist and I am surprised that he/she has not suggested this to you. They should know when they are no longer effective in or with their treatment. Ask your therapist for a recommendation to a colleague that might be better equipped to help you. Or ask your GP for a recommendation.
One of the important things that caregivers need to learn, and a difficult thing is BOUNDARIES your sister has the right idea. You can still be involved but let someone else do the majority of the work.
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I read your past posts plus this one. You are 63, and your health is rapidly deteriorating. Your sister refuses to help. You have allowed yourself to become enslaved to your mother and stepfather.

How much in-home help do they get? In the past, that help didn't last because your mother refused to allow it.

What happens if you can't take care of them?
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A therapist will help with your emotional state and help you through some of this, but the main thing is to change the situation. You realize you cannot continue this way, but you seem to think there is something wrong with you that needs fixed. The fixing is with your parents. They need to be in a different situation and they need it right now before you are in an even worse state physically and mentally. Hardly anyone wants to go to a facility, but also people don't want to have conditions that make it necessary. But they do have conditions that mean they need care. Find a facility that will work for them and have the facility people help you with their move. It might work to have their doctor order it. Some people follow doctor's orders much better than believing their grown children. Once they make the move they will most likely be much happier and you will still have plenty to do for them. You will still be overwhelmed with responsibilities, but you will be able to handle it all better when you have some time for yourself.
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Big Hug Good luck
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First of all - the biggest hug.

I am so sorry for all you are going through and having to go it alone is so hard.

If you are explaining these things to your psychiatrist and he isn’t hearing you or changing your meds then I think maybe you need to reach out to a new one as you have said “your meds are not working”. Though some 15 years ago I had severe anxiety and I did need talk therapy and it did help along with meds (I was on meds for about 2 years). Sometimes things just need to be tweaked while you start working with talk therapy and can find a better balance for your own mental health.

You have so much on your plate and caregiving for anyone including family and loved ones brings on feelings of anxiety and depression but when they become daily and hourly the best thing to do is exactly what your doing and reaching out for help.

Maybe you could also speak with a social worker and or the Council on Aging in your parents area (it’s seems like you have home health right now and they could request a social worker for you) that may be able to offer you additional resources or just guide you in making more decisions going ahead.

Take some deep breaths today and take one step at a time. Maybe Requesting a social worker or making the phone call for yourself for a talk therapist. One day and one moment at a time.

What you are living is so difficult - I hope you feel like you just made step one in this long journey and give yourself credit for doing so. Keep coming back here and know you are not alone 🌷
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Your sister was quite wise to set her boundaries and now you must do the same. You are not the problem. Setting up your parents so they are protected and cared for by someone or somewhere else (even imperfectly) is the goal. You must stop doing it yourself, as you see it is destroying you. Bless you for your valiant effort but now it's time to pass the torch. MANY on this forum have walked in your shoes so please listen to their wise guidance.

And now *how* to do it:

If you are your parent's PoA, you must read the document to see if your authority to make decisions on their behalf is springing (requiring medical diagnosis of incapacity) or durable (does not require medical diagnosis). If they it is springing you will need to do whatever it takes to get them in to see their doctor for the cognitive exam, even if you must tell the a "therapeutic fib", like Social Security now requires an annual exam to confirm your receive of monthly benefits. This is not immoral or unethical because it is for their benefit moving forward. Hopefully your sister will help get this done. If your PoA is durable you can begin to make decisions for them regardless if they "like it" or are cooperative. Again, you can create a therapeutic fib to get them out of the house ("There's a gas leak. There are termites and you have to move while the whole house is treated." whatever). Hire a downsizing service and pay for it with their money.

If no one is their PoA, then you can pursue guardianship through the courts (but this is very expensive even to gain it for 1 person, no less 2). Therefore your only other realistic option is to call APS and report them as vulnerable adults. They will do a wellness check and will move to gain guardianship and will take over their care and protection. They will move them to a facility (and nowadays newer facilities are quite nice and well managed).

In the meantime, if one of them requires a call to 911 or trip to the hospital, make sure the staff understands in no uncertain terms that they are an "unsafe discharge" and there's no one to care for them in the home. The hospital often gets very persistent and aggressive in hounding family members to retrieve patients. In my personal case the Sheriff dropped off my step FIL at his house at night and threatened me because I wouldn't go get him. Ignore all threats and make sure all other family members know to NOT go get them. You can talk to a hospital social worker to begin the process and get them to be discharged directly into a facility.

For the time being you can call social services to discuss getting an in-home needs assessment to see if they qualify for county-funded services to help with the care burden. If they need Medicaid to go into a facility, you and your sister can fill out the app for each of them, it's not that complicated but you will need access to financial information like banking and investment statements, their ss numbers, etc.

I know it feels so overwhelming but just try to eat the elephant one bite at a time, even if you just make tiny progress each day. Eventually they will be resettled and you'll have your life and peace back. Wishing you speedy and full success in moving forward!
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Your parents already live in Assisted Living, so they don't see why they have to move.

Think about it. They have a cook, cleaner, driver, care coordinator, company. All for free.

Old age sure ain't for sissies as someone once said. Or their families I'd like to add!

CJLC, what is your top priority today?

Stopping that awful anxiety? The folks agreeing to move? Learning how to set better boundaries? Or something completely different?
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Beatty Jul 2021
Caroli1,
Just my silly way to put things... The folks are doing the 'living' but the OP is providing the 'assistance'. The OP is running an AL for 2 people.

My relative has set up a similar sitution. So much support underpinning so-called independence that if the carer gets ill.. *insert crises emoji*. I think of it as a House of Cards, holding until a bottom card is pulled out. Whoosh, down it goes.
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Hugs to you. You’re very brave to even take the step to write this and ask for help. Give yourself that. And something small- just breathe. Take the small moments you’re alone, whether at home or in the car- to breathe.
Here’s my advice- take the steps to get your folks into full time care. You will be no good to anyone if you’re this down. They might not like it at first, but you are not equipped to deal with this amount of physical and emotional care. Change is hard, especially as we get older. They are resisting maybe because it’s change. After settling in to a routine at assisted living, they might be very relieved. They might make friends, have activities, connect with others their age. Right now, you are it. And you do not have to bear the weight alone. I feel for you that you can’t rely on your siblings. It sucks. But you need to save yourself. Look into it, give yourself permission to let go. Good luck to you, you’re a great person who cares. You deserve a life.
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