I think I need professional help. What type of professional do I look for that can help me deal with being the care taker of my parents with dementia? Today I go take care of my parents and the anxiety I feel each day is unbelievable. It happens every morning that I go help them and even when I don't have to go. I shake so uncontrollably..that it scares me driving the hour to reach them. I never know what I'm going to face when I get there. Either a great deal of poop of my moms to clean off her and everything she sat on, or my dad forgetting an important discussion or just forgetting simple but important things. They refuse to move to assisted living or memory care. I always had my dad help me with my mom and her dementia. Esp her refusal to take a shower or use the toilet. It's a battle to get her to do either of those things. I don't understand why the toilet is the enemy to her...other than it's the part of her brain that reasons wrong from right that is affected by her dementia. She would prefer to go in her depends.
My dad's memory has gotten progressively worse over the past 2 months and it's happening fast!! So now I have both of them to care for. I am losing myself and so filled with anxiety that other than taking care of them, I cannot function. They finally agreed to some home care and I thought things would be easier for me. It's not. I am coordinating home care, physical therapy for my mom before she becomes confined to a wheelchair or bed. Wound care for her foot. Got a paramedic group in their county to come out and give my mom her first covid shot. I have a repairman coming to fix their washer today. I am on the phone constantly when I'm not with them. I worry about them all the time!!! I can't stop!!! Now I'm having trouble convincing myself to shower and my home needs cleaning so bad. I feel like any minute something bad is going to happen to them. I feel as though my life will consist of taking care of them, then my step mom and finally then I will die. That's all that's left for me. I don't enjoy anything that I used to and don't want to even leave my house if I can avoid it. I myself am on disability because of half a dozen autoimmune diseases. I am not an only child. My sister lives 10 min from them but doesn't help at all. She set her boundaries early on and has stuck to them. My step brother lives in another state and even though he is 65, has the mind of a 16 year old. He wants to come home but no one but my sister ( his half sister) has room for him. She set her boundaries on him a very long time ago and wants nothing to do with him. I'm the only one that has helped him and kept in touch with him for over 40 years. I've had a sister die of suicide, a brother die of Hep C and liver failure. My biological dad passed immediately following heart surgery. My step mom is wonderful and wants me to visit but I don't have myself together enough to make the 4 hour drive. I'd be miserable company as well. I need help. I am on antidepressants and only buspar for anxiety. That doesn't touch it. My psychiatrist has been the same for the past 30 years and I feel like he doesn't hear me anymore. What type of therapist should I see that can dive deep into my situation right away and help me help my parents and myself??? I thank anyone in advance that can help me in this situation where there is no happiness to be seen anytime in the future.
You have two options here. Either find a nursing home for them to be placed in or move in 24-hour live-in caregivers.
Then take a ride over to your sister's house who's five minutes away and tell her she can take her boundaries and stick them where the sun doesn't shine. Say the same to your brother too.
Let them both know that since they do absolutely nothing and won't act on mom and dad's behalf that you will have to. This means they're going to a nursing home. If brother and sister are worried about possible inheritance, well they can take over mom and dad's care themselves.
Your parents care has gotten way beyond what any child could endure without the help of professionals in a care setting, and you know that, so I hope and pray that you'll take the necessary steps to get them placed ASAP.
You do not want to be in that statistics where the caregiver dies before the ones being cared for do you?
And if you've been seeing the same therapist for the last 30 years, and they still haven't helped you, then it's way past time to cut your losses, and move on to someone different. It would be helpful too, if you could get plugged in to a local caregiver support group. Try Googling to see if there is one in your area. My support group saved my life when I was at my wits end while caring for my husband.
We all have our breaking points, and it sounds like you have passed yours. Please take care of yourself. You probably need to put on a different antidepressant as well, as the one you're on obviously isn't working anymore.
You deserve to find happiness and joy again in your life, and my prayer is that with God's help you will.
You are currently propping them up by doing all that you do.
As long as they are both no longer decisional you can place them in Memory Care, they can remain together.
You do need to find another therapist and I am surprised that he/she has not suggested this to you. They should know when they are no longer effective in or with their treatment. Ask your therapist for a recommendation to a colleague that might be better equipped to help you. Or ask your GP for a recommendation.
One of the important things that caregivers need to learn, and a difficult thing is BOUNDARIES your sister has the right idea. You can still be involved but let someone else do the majority of the work.
How much in-home help do they get? In the past, that help didn't last because your mother refused to allow it.
What happens if you can't take care of them?
I am so sorry for all you are going through and having to go it alone is so hard.
If you are explaining these things to your psychiatrist and he isn’t hearing you or changing your meds then I think maybe you need to reach out to a new one as you have said “your meds are not working”. Though some 15 years ago I had severe anxiety and I did need talk therapy and it did help along with meds (I was on meds for about 2 years). Sometimes things just need to be tweaked while you start working with talk therapy and can find a better balance for your own mental health.
You have so much on your plate and caregiving for anyone including family and loved ones brings on feelings of anxiety and depression but when they become daily and hourly the best thing to do is exactly what your doing and reaching out for help.
Maybe you could also speak with a social worker and or the Council on Aging in your parents area (it’s seems like you have home health right now and they could request a social worker for you) that may be able to offer you additional resources or just guide you in making more decisions going ahead.
Take some deep breaths today and take one step at a time. Maybe Requesting a social worker or making the phone call for yourself for a talk therapist. One day and one moment at a time.
What you are living is so difficult - I hope you feel like you just made step one in this long journey and give yourself credit for doing so. Keep coming back here and know you are not alone 🌷
And now *how* to do it:
If you are your parent's PoA, you must read the document to see if your authority to make decisions on their behalf is springing (requiring medical diagnosis of incapacity) or durable (does not require medical diagnosis). If they it is springing you will need to do whatever it takes to get them in to see their doctor for the cognitive exam, even if you must tell the a "therapeutic fib", like Social Security now requires an annual exam to confirm your receive of monthly benefits. This is not immoral or unethical because it is for their benefit moving forward. Hopefully your sister will help get this done. If your PoA is durable you can begin to make decisions for them regardless if they "like it" or are cooperative. Again, you can create a therapeutic fib to get them out of the house ("There's a gas leak. There are termites and you have to move while the whole house is treated." whatever). Hire a downsizing service and pay for it with their money.
If no one is their PoA, then you can pursue guardianship through the courts (but this is very expensive even to gain it for 1 person, no less 2). Therefore your only other realistic option is to call APS and report them as vulnerable adults. They will do a wellness check and will move to gain guardianship and will take over their care and protection. They will move them to a facility (and nowadays newer facilities are quite nice and well managed).
In the meantime, if one of them requires a call to 911 or trip to the hospital, make sure the staff understands in no uncertain terms that they are an "unsafe discharge" and there's no one to care for them in the home. The hospital often gets very persistent and aggressive in hounding family members to retrieve patients. In my personal case the Sheriff dropped off my step FIL at his house at night and threatened me because I wouldn't go get him. Ignore all threats and make sure all other family members know to NOT go get them. You can talk to a hospital social worker to begin the process and get them to be discharged directly into a facility.
For the time being you can call social services to discuss getting an in-home needs assessment to see if they qualify for county-funded services to help with the care burden. If they need Medicaid to go into a facility, you and your sister can fill out the app for each of them, it's not that complicated but you will need access to financial information like banking and investment statements, their ss numbers, etc.
I know it feels so overwhelming but just try to eat the elephant one bite at a time, even if you just make tiny progress each day. Eventually they will be resettled and you'll have your life and peace back. Wishing you speedy and full success in moving forward!
Think about it. They have a cook, cleaner, driver, care coordinator, company. All for free.
Old age sure ain't for sissies as someone once said. Or their families I'd like to add!
CJLC, what is your top priority today?
Stopping that awful anxiety? The folks agreeing to move? Learning how to set better boundaries? Or something completely different?
Just my silly way to put things... The folks are doing the 'living' but the OP is providing the 'assistance'. The OP is running an AL for 2 people.
My relative has set up a similar sitution. So much support underpinning so-called independence that if the carer gets ill.. *insert crises emoji*. I think of it as a House of Cards, holding until a bottom card is pulled out. Whoosh, down it goes.
Here’s my advice- take the steps to get your folks into full time care. You will be no good to anyone if you’re this down. They might not like it at first, but you are not equipped to deal with this amount of physical and emotional care. Change is hard, especially as we get older. They are resisting maybe because it’s change. After settling in to a routine at assisted living, they might be very relieved. They might make friends, have activities, connect with others their age. Right now, you are it. And you do not have to bear the weight alone. I feel for you that you can’t rely on your siblings. It sucks. But you need to save yourself. Look into it, give yourself permission to let go. Good luck to you, you’re a great person who cares. You deserve a life.