I am my 83YO moms main care taker, I was told by my older brother that since I’m the only daughter in the family, mom is my “cross to bear”. I have POA and am health care proxy, my younger brother will only help when it benefits him, for example, he did her grocery shopping for her with her food stamp card and bank card. So far he’s helped himself to $1,700 of her money, guess who goes to the bank and straightens out these messes, me! My daughter and I do all of moms appointments, cooking, cleaning, ER visits, phones calls to docs, insurance. It’s gotten to the point where I have no life, hubby and I retired 4 years ago. Her lawyer told me to take over her finances, well, mom has dementia and doesn’t remember why I took over the finances, so she gets angry with me, brother opened up an account with mom and had her SS rerouted to that account. I had it closed but I did not know her SS was rerouted, now her SS is froze because brother messed with her account and I have to fix it, this is never ending. I’ve called the police, APS and they seem to think because I have POA and control of her finances, she’s protected. But my brother calls her and badgers her about getting her cards back, then she calls me and she’s angry. It goes on all day long sometimes. I can’t sleep, I have headaches, depression, I’m in a bad place mentally and physically. I’m constantly am trying to stay 2 steps ahead of my greedy brother. And to add insult to injury, he’s revered and I’m just the medical/grunt person, it blows my mind but it’s always been like that. Today she called and demanded her bank card back again, my husband, who is supportive, told me to give them back, take myself off POA, the stress isn’t worth it. I’ll be dead long before my mother. Should I wash my hands for my own sake?
You will fell guilty, shameful and a long list of other feelings.
However you will be relieved of the stress that is eating you alive. You will live much longer and be able to enjoy your retirement.
That happened to my younger sister who went to go visit mom in the skilled living facility I put her in. The offices are in front and see everybody that comes in the front door. The blessed staff checked an internet site to see if mom had listed under her file that should not be near her.
They escorted sis out the door.
Skilled living places can handle someone's SS unless the person objects and has a responsible family member willing to do it. I have mom's POA and handle her SS.
If the place handles her SS check they receive all but $60 which they allow the resident to use as an allowance, every month.
This is a no win situation unfortunately. There are consequences for actions, and they need to feel them, without you and daughter sweeping in to rescue.
I MAY HAVE AN IDEA OR TWO, TO ASSIST YOUR WONDERFUL EFFORTS. AND, FOR A NOVICE, I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF EXPERIENCES!
MY PHONE IS, LIKE ME. GETTING OLD, SO IF YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHAT A BIT, LET ME KNOW
NAME AND TELEPHONE AND EMAIL FOR PERSON TO COMMUNICARE WITH.
TOO many excuse male greed and whatever else one wants to call it due to the OLD OLDEN days when sons were treated like kings. I think that is changing, if slowly. Although, these ... belief systems could also be based on traditional religion. Either way, gotta nip that in the bud.
Anyway for my answer to poster. First , likely mom is just picking up on what yb is manipulating her to do...plus with dementia she is not fully responsible. First , have a meeting with both bros and get the issue out in open...do they both know what is happening with this? If mom can’t live on own then put her in a home ..they likely will insist her checks go into their banks account and then will have only a bit allowed for her use anyway, plus will make it pretty difficult for your yb. If anything valuable in house change the locks and don’t allow yb in...clean and sell home to help in mom support . Do a round robin to distribute goods ...make sure to include your daughter who has helped out.
Dont just abandon mom to your yb who does not have her best interests at heart. He might even be lying to himself that he is just helping her out , perhaps she lies to him due to dementia, sometimes they get strange ideas in their heads especially with paranoia concerning money. She may have told him to buy himself stuff. My mom knew my sister was using her credit card and buying herself stuff too but said she was okay with it ..and she actually was willing to put up with a LOT in order to stay in her own home.
If the family meeting doesn’t help and you won’t put her in a facility then at least change acts , get yourself set with being ss rep payee, and only allow mom a debit card with small amount in acct. I wouldn’t even allow bro to shop for her anymore unless you control this to an acceptable amount ..he could also just buy all his groceries with her credit. In my siblings case ..this is another area that they don’t pay for themselves ..parents account pays it all despite that they barely eat, meanwhile three adult men have it all.
The best coarse of action may be to open new accounts at a different bank, transfer all of her money there - but one card only, that is in your possession always. Then straighten out the Social Security deposit, by becoming her Representative Payee. Tell your Mother a white lie that the Bank or Social Security made you do it.
Completely block brother and your Mother from being able to access the new accounts. As POA, you have that authority. That will also allow you to track all expenses for that point on. (You can even use that as an excuse if you need one).
As part of you taking control, you should absolutely report your brother to APS. You will have to account for the funds he took down the road, when she needs to enroll in Medicaid - so you will need an official report of some kind.
Once you do these initial things, the bumpy road will smooth out. You mother and your brother will no longer be able to argue about money, and he won’t be able to steal from her any longer. It will all be legally locked up where he can’t get to it, which will be a huge burden off your shoulders.
I think the you may feel better about being POA. You will know you’ve protected your Mother and be proud about that.
Good suggestions overall. Thanks. We all need to hear sound thoughts (even though I was in the camp of stop being the POA ... that isn't so cut and dry) and certainly not an easy decision.
My heart goes out to you!!
Your first priority absolutely needs to be your own health!!!
I didn't heed that warning and my health has suffered severely over the last 15 months!!
Having said that, it seems to me that you have a few options.
1) Do everything you can to prohibit your yb from anything related to Moms money! Speak to an elder care attorney. Threaten him with an injunction if he persists.
2) Hire an in home caregiver or consider ALF. As you know, her dementia is only going to get worse. This would take some of the pressure off of you and give you the energy to monitor Moms finances.
3) You can pass on POA and caregiving to your yb.
I think you know what will happen with that!
I wish my brothers would step up, but I know now that it will never happen!
Please, please take care of yourself!!
(((Hugs)))
Hhopefully you will get social security to get things straightened out for you. Someone with dementia should not have bank cards. Does her doctors recover kse her as a demetia person? Does she live alone? Is she in a senior living center?
BEST of luck
The 6 months provided me some badly needed rest and recuperation,
but not nearly enough and from May to November I struggled, and I searched far
and wide for some kind of help but help costs money. I found out that hospice
isn't for patients who have only 6 months to live, because some people actually
get well enough to leave and others are with hospice for years.
They furnished incontinence supplies, Ensure (which is very
expensive), bed pads, medicine, a physician, a RN 3 times a week and a health
care aid 3 times a week, who bathed and assisted in her hygiene.
In November she had a fall and broke her pelvic bone right up the
middle and they wouldn't send her to a rehab, so they basically sent her home
to die. There were so many days that I wanted to run as fast and as far as I
could from the situation, but I was the only family member that was available
to care for her.
You need to take care of yourself because 35-40% of people who
caregiver die before the person they are caregiving does and that shouldn't be
the way it is. You have to realize that family members, unfortunately will try
and make you feel guilty and the guilt is something that you shouldn't even
think about.
I was losing the compassion and nurturing care I started out with.
When my Mom passed, there was a giant sense of relief, I was sad, but I
realized how much of my life I sacrificed and will never get it back. Find a
way out for you own sense of well-being and mental health. Good Luck.
It sounds as though you and mom don't live in same house and that's how he worms his way in. You can call the FS office and do payee for that card - where you have her FS card and would have to make the purchases.
If he continues to take her money, when she finally needs a Medicaid bed, it will be considered 'gifting' and Medicaid will apply a penalty period where she has to pay out of pocket before they start paying.
You can remove yourself if you want, but when he drains her completely and she can't get Medicaid to pay for her NH bed - are you going to feel guilty and bring her to live with you? Or will you be able to tell mom and the two brothers, her care is on them? It's possible she really needs to be in a facility now so that her income is actually paying for her care instead of lining brother's pocket. And as for the older brother - there's no reason that a son can't help to tote that cross as well. Pretty ignorant statement to make to someone. Hope his daughters are willing participants for his care. Would be a real shame if he only had sons.
often this option is left out.. If you have notor your not sure,, stand, get well, finish with your best effort.
Then or now,, Move on, re-evaluate your motive. Is it obligation, guilt, love or others? You can't live someone's else's convections. Answer for yourself. How do I know? You will have to read my novel when 25 on-going years (two with dementia turning my 88 year old Mother into a stranger) is finished. lol
I feel so much for what your going through. Motive is often the meaning of life.
PS: never loose the joy of humor...laugh now and then.
One more thing occurred to me.
As Moms POA you are responsible for her finances.
The first warning I was given after becoming my Aunts POA was to keep meticulous records!!
If your brother is taking money from Mom, you could be held accountable!!
Misappropriation of funds is no joke!!
Please protect yourself!!