I am very tired of lying to my father. I tell him he can come home if he works with PT and gets stronger he can come home. That is a lie, my mother and sister won't let him come home even if he does regain strength in his legs. He keeps asking me when he can come home? I have to lie to him to tell him that he needs all his strength I feel bad telling him that he could possibly come home when I know he can't. He's got just enough sense to realize he's in a place he doesn't want to be. There's been several lies we've told him, his sister recently died and momma decided not to tell him and I feel awful about that too - even though there was nothing he could do. But even though I disagree with mom, I do see why she didn't want to say anything.
Should I tell him the truth and be honest or keep that little glimmer of hope alive so he won't just give up? I want him to be comfortable if not resigned to being there, but I just wish there was something I could do other than just visiting him. I've tried to play games with him, do the crossword puzzle with him, anything to get him interactive but he gets so frustrated cause he doesn't understand the rules or it's a bit difficult, he just shuts down and refuses to cooperate.
I know ya'll are probably tired of hearing me talk about my guilt and I'm sorry, but ya'll are about the only ones who understand - I mean my husband is excellent about trying to help but even he gets tired of me - just going around in circles and spinning my wheels...
I appreciate all ya'll listening to me, thank you
This is one area where becoming the parent and filtering the negative is to be applied. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
Distraction often works. Outright disagreement with someone with dementia is seldom helpful, so you need to strike a tricky balance. Don't promise the possibility of going "home" if that is not possible. Distract him as much as possible. Don't contradict him, and try to help him settle in his new environment.
Sorry, but as numerous respondents have said, there is no easy answer.
Love and prayers.
Every time I visited my elderly, confused father, I talked up the "benefits" of where he currently resided, how he could get coffee 24/7 and snacks from the coffee station, how somebody else was doing the cooking and cleaning, etc. I would remind him that he had several strokes (which was true) and how it was no longer safe for him to live alone in his house, how the house had become a booby trap for his shuffling gait, etc.
In other words - I never came out directly and told him that he was never going home. But I did "talk up the benefits" of his new existence and pointed out the drawbacks of his old existence.
Once he began to make the association of the house as an "unsafe" place and the ALF/NH as a "more safe" place, he talked less about his life at the old house and seemed to accept his new residence.
You could drop the "you can come home if" half of what you're telling him. Stick to "do your PT and let's see." Or, "we'll just have to see how it goes." Or, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Or even "I just don't know, Dad. But meanwhile, let's do x, y, z and make the best of things, eh."
It isn't guilt, by the way, it's sadness. It's sad that your father needs this level of care, and sad that he can't himself grasp the situation, and sad that your mother and your sister and you don't see eye to eye altogether on what's best for him. But, so, - stop expecting yourself to get over it and stop "going in circles." You are having a normal response to a sad situation, it is *hard*. Be kind to yourself.
I'd add that 'telling the truth' is a value or behavior we are taught as children. It is intrinsically woven in the fiber of 'American values. However, this moral fiber of truth telling DOES NOT INCLUDE dealing with brain disease/cognitive decline. Communicating with a person inflicted with dementia is learning a new language, a new way to express that language. Some people with dementia only have HOPE. Don't take that away.
There are grey areas or speaking as a designer/artist, there are different shades, tones and tints to a hue; there is a spectrum of truth, and hope is a part of it. It is not a black and white situation and needs to be tactfully addressed. Taking hope away leaves stark blackness.
what ever you tell them if like my hubby only remembers for 5 seconds. I also suggest doing jigsaw puzzles w him. Maybe only 29 or 75 large children’s puzzles. Praise him for each piece he does. We also did simple dot to dot w large numbers. Praise them as much as you can cause remember 5 second memory.
My hubby passed suddenly after 12 yrs of ALZ & 3 mons. In memory care.. My heart goes out to all as it is a horrible puzzling disease.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, I hope you've found peace.