In order to improve my dad's quality of life, is it time to place my mom in memory care?
My mother is 75 and has Alzheimer's. She has been married to my father for 56 years and he is 80 years old. He cannot be her primary caregiver, he is used to her always taking care of him.
My husband and I helped them establish a family trust (we are the trustees) and were appointed DPOAs. We have been making all decisions for them for the last three years. Last year, we sold their house (to finance their AL) and moved them into a facility. We were motivated to do this quickly because my father is diabetic and had stopped taking his meds and eating nothing but fast food. He lapsed into ketoacidosis and was subsequently hospitalized. (My mother was so far gone that she never acknowledged that anything was wrong.) She would have never thought to call the paramedics or even family members for help.
The move to AL really improved his health. He walks on the treadmill everyday, takes the meds they give him, has put on weight, and is generally, physically, healthy now. The move to AL seemed to accelerate mom's dementia, and so did the fall she suffered after only two months at the facility. She tripped over their dog. Now, after less than a year at the facility, my mother is incontinent, can suffer from delusions, has attempted to leave the facility without my dad, and could not take any part in the planning for her own mother's funeral. We took her to my grandma's deathbed, but she couldn't acknowledge what was happening.
She relies on my dad a lot, but he is unprepared to do even the simplest things to care for her--such as making sure she eats the meals they serve her, and not just the desserts, checking to see if she wears her glasses, making sure she doesn't wear the same clothing all week, or taking her on facility outings/participating in facility activities that might be good for her (if they aren't of interest to him). He still seems to want her to make all daily decisions, just like she always had done before. Up until recently he still wanted her to drive, because his eyesight is deteriorating.
When they moved in she was diagnosed with MCI, but she has become so much worse, so quickly. We wanted to keep them together as long as we could, but my dad is becoming more and more resentful and bitter about his role as a caregiver. He feels trapped at the facility and I do empathize with his loss of my mom who he has always looked to for guidance. Every time I see him he says "we shouldn't have sold the house" or "maybe we can move into your sister's house?".
We recently considered some more expensive facilities--but we are trying to budget carefully since her mother lived until 97 years old and we don't want their money to run out. But it seems to me that the problem is that he wants more freedom and doesn't want to be confined with her all day, everyday. In order to improve my dad's quality of life, is it time to place my mom in memory care?
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But I'll tell you this. My parents were married for 68 years, and living together in AL after dad broke his hip and became wheelchair bound. Mom felt burdened by caring for him, truth be told. He kept her up at night. His w/c scuffed up the walls in the apt. His eating habits irritated her. He didn't socialize enough for her tastes, and yada yada. When dad died 10 months later of a brain tumor, mom grieved for a very short time, then moved on with her life at the AL. I believe part of her was relieved to be alone and without the burden of caring for dad anymore. Which I can understand, to a degree.
Caregiving is hard work, and when you add dementia into the mix, it can be mind bending. I watched my mother take that dementia journey for the past 5 years and it was horrible. I could NEVER have cared for her in my home, and never would've expected my father to care for her either. I moved her from AL into Memory Care in 2019 and she died this past February. At some point, Memory Care becomes the only sane option for all concerned. Remember that dad's life matters too, which you seem to acknowledge beautifully. Many people do not, and only focus on the parent who's suffering from dementia. Dementia is a family disease meaning we ALL suffer.
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed as you navigate this difficult road.
If prior to 77 he had stopped taking his meds, was he mental or deeply depressed? You are saying you put them in memory care because of dad’s condition. He was supposedly the care giver but yet he was dependent on mom to give him meds.
Have you considered a private hire?
Someone who could take some of the burden off dad and give each an opportunity to have time away from the other might give them a few more months together and ease the transition.
I do this now with only one hour per day for my bedfast LO who is recently in a NH. It gives me a perspective I would not get on my own.
This person you put with them could stay on with dad later when mom is in MC and help him transition. Just something to consider.
I had in-laws who were mutually codependent. I always wished for MIL to have some time after FIL passed. He was very controlling. She died a month and a day after he did.
About your mom living to 97. Of course it happens with greater frequency but I am wondering if your 97 yr old GM had dementia in her early to mid 70s?
He will likely improve himself if she gets placed in MC.
Old-timers like that usually visit and spend the day with their wives then they can leave and get a break. He likely will not decline. He needs a break from his wife's care neediness.
At my moms facility, they have both AL apartments and a memory care unit. If you are fortunate enough to have that scenario, your mom could go to MC and your dad could stay in AL and he could visit her whenever he likes. If your folks existing place does not have that set up, maybe you could look for one that does. That way your dad could stay relatively independent, walk the treadmill daily, take trips to the store with the outings that AL offers, have friends to lunch with in the dining room, etc... and mom can have the MC support she needs. They would just be in different areas of the same facility. That also makes your visits easier because you're only driving to one place to see both parents.
But I met a couple living somewhat together but also separatly. Him AL room. She MC room. Same facility.
They had started out at AL in a joint room. She had control issues. When she was moved, he visited her every day or twice a day but was released from the day to day meals, clothing choices, stuff! He could persue the men's group, the newspaper reading group or whatever HE was interested. He thrived! Staff said she was more or less the same, still saw her husband but had her needs met by others.
It was a compromise that worked well.
The hard decisions are always left to me.
Is there even the slightest chance that your parent's facility has both a memory care and an ALF involved. That was the case with my brother's ALF. There were cottages arranged on park life grounds, and two of them were memory care facilities. They had several spouses who could stay in ALF and enjoy a lot of their time while their mate was in the MC portion.
Wishing you the best.
Dad doesn't want to face the fact that mom has changed. They never decided or told us how they wanted to live once they required care. He says now that we never should have sold their house, but living on their own was unsustainable.
He thinks life should remain the same, because all of his needs are being met by us or the facility caregivers.
They had been married for a very long time. The husband was a very nice man and a decent person, but he was not a caregiver. He was used to his wife doing everything. She had LBD and was a total invalid for years. He was willing to pay caregivers anything they wanted. Top dollar to do for his wife. If there were times like bad weather and impossible to get to their house, he would leave his wife in a soiled diaper until the roads were cleared and one of us could get to them. He would put a few cookies in front of her or a sandwich if one of us wasn't there, but she was too far gone to feed it to herself. So she wouldn't eat.
He loved his wife but resented that he couldn't have any kind of life because of her. He had wanted to take a trip back to his native country when he was well enough to. We had suggested that he put her into respite care in a NH and take the trip. He didn't want to upset his adult kids by spending that money.
He ended up getting sick himself and dying four years before his wife finally did.
Put your mother in memory care so your father can have some kind of life. Tell him that it's the right choice for her to get the best care. Even though he resents the condition your mother is in and that she's needy, he loves her and likely feels guilty about having her placed in MC. Try to soothe his guilt about it. She belongs in MC.
"Give your mother the love and care she needs today, and today and today. The days after will work out – I promise."
I wish you all the best, including clarity, while weighing all your options. Your parents are fortunate to have you helping them.
My guess is your dad is just overwhelmed with work and concern for your mom. He has taken care of her for 56 years and I would bet he's not ready to stop now.
Being responsible for someone 24/7/365 is daunting at best, but heroic and impossible are probably better ways to describe it. What your dad probably needs more than anything is some respite, so he can relax, unwind, and (like the kids say) chill out - or maybe even play poker with the boys.
Dr. Brad (I am not a doctor, I just play one on againgcare.com) recommends you start by getting a private caregiver to take care of your mom 4-6 hours a day for at least a few days a week, or you get your mom into an adult daycare situation if that's possible - or a combination of both.
Most importantly, your dad needs to be involved in the decision, given all the choices, and allowed to do what's best for his wife!
And, even though it's none of my business, I will add one more thing...
In my capacity as the Director of Operations for a boutique home healthcare agency in South Florida, I talk to family members who are concerned about money all the time. I know care is expensive and money is always a concern and the thought of running out of money is scary. Depriving your mom of the care she needs now in order to pay for the care she may (or may not) need later is weird - especially when she is declining rapidly.
Give your mother the love and care she needs today, and today and today. The days after will work out – I promise.
Everything you're saying is true and it's also the truth about the father having unreasonable expectations about what his wife can still do. He's probably in denial about how advanced her Alzheimer's is too.
He's 80 years old. Men from his generation were normally not caregivers to even their own children. They were family providers.
Men his age did not change their kids' diapers or bathe them or feed them or care for them when they're ill. They were not present when their children were born either. Men that age never saw anything. These old-timers are not going to wash, feed, and change the diapers of their needy invalid wives with dementia. Not going to happen. The resentment the OP's father has for his wife's neediness probably comes from fear. He's afraid of it and he cannot take care of her.
Both of them would be better off if she was in MC. If the AL they live in now has one, they should move her into it.
Not only would placing mom in MC improve your dad's quality of life it might actually help mom with more stimulation and activities that they may have in MC that can keep her occupied. Many MC will take residents out on trips, as well as doing activities within the facility.
I would check with an elder lawyer about splitting their assets. Moms split would go towards her care and when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. Dad would go towards his care in the AL.
I had a Dad like yours. His responsibility was working Moms was running the house. She paid bills. She waited on him hand and foot.
Is Dad having some cognitive decline because I just can't see him not noticing Mom has problems. He seems self-centered. Looks like ur going to take over.
Memory care has activities, but the caregivers don't wait for the residents to show up to them, they bring them to the activities. The activities are also geared toward mental stimulation, and ideally they don't park residents in front of a TV all day. Music therapy is also a huge part of memory care.
AL is more about assisting with ADLs, but memory care is far more than that, and worth every penny IMO. (It was also $3,000 less than the nursing home my mother was in prior to MC.)