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What the heck happened to make so many women( i wont even use the word mother!) be like this??? Narcissistic, mean, controlling and on and on....Such abuse....and does any of us know why???
ive just read this entire thread and it just breaks my heart to the core.
its mind boggling to me that there are so many like this.....its up to us, our generation, to stop the abuse and insanity.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Cherokee,

Read the book, Act Natural, Jennifer Traig. It’s fascinating. It is a historical account of parenting. Not new behavior and in the past it was really bad.

The ‘good old days’ weren’t all that good.
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Update or start new thread? Update:
When I gave my Mom a date to vacate-she has gone into a frenzy. Paying someone to do the cleanup work at the 'house' and has been going back and forth over there since last week. I finally decided to throw in the towel with how she is handling that. For the past 2 days she has screwed up her medicine schedule and tonight accused me of trying to make her double her doses and make her sick. Not.
I had one whole day of her being away and it felt good. As soon as she showed back up today-sh*t started all over again. I am sure she is telling everyone I am kicking her out.
This could go a lot smoother I imagine. Coulda woulda shoulda.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
I feel for you RBuser, is there any logic to their thoughts at times? Makes one scratch their head, huh?

I wish I had all the answers that you seek. Has to be so frustrating for you. The best I can tell you is to do what you feel is best. You matter just as much. Moms can’t take over. It destroys us.

Look I did this for over 14 years in my home. It nearly killed me. It put a strain on my marriage and my husband is a very ‘chill’ kind of guy.

For me, it didn’t end well. Mom had to go and it wasn’t peacefully like I truly wanted.

My mom likes to stir the pot. She spoke to my brothers behind my back, spreading lies very convincingly too! The sh** hit the fan over here too! I gave up.

I like peace and harmony but I must admit I lost it. Everyone has a limit. I hit mine. In all honesty, I let it get out of hand and she should have been out of my house long before I asked her to leave with my ‘know it all’ brother!

I kept wanting to control and have things somewhat orderly and civilized. My mom kept blaming me for everything.

Know what kind of advice I got from the forum? Wise advice I might add by smart people, smarter than me because I became so flustered I couldn’t see straight! They told me to LET GO! I had to. These things are beyond our control. We will never get our moms to listen to reason. So, I am going to give you the same advice to let go. I can’t tell you how to deal with your mom. I didn’t even know how to deal with my mom. When I did start setting boundaries the damage had already been done. Know what I mean?

Anyway, we don’t have the power to change anyone, least of all our moms. You know this. Deep down I did too. I wanted to hold on to my hope. Without hope we have nothing but sometimes we have to start with nothing and rebuild. Simply start over. It’s hard. Transitioning times are always hard.

I wish you the very best. Please look out for yourself. Hugs! Your mom will be okay.
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Lealonnie1 thank you for talking about gaslighting. I heard it before but didn’t know what it was. That definitely describes my mother!!
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I am helping a friend learn to set boundaries.  Her problem is that she expects her parents to RESPECT her boundaries and says "it isn't working" when they don't respect her boundaries. It doesn't work because there is not a "then" to her "if". We are working on it. "If you don't respect my time by not calling work, then I'm not going to come over tonight"  you get the idea.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Kim,

You are a good friend! I do hope she will hear what you are saying and implement it in her life.

She must have been raised to be a ‘pleaser’ like I was. It takes awhile to undo that type of brainwashing. Of course her parents won’t be pleased with her decisions. They will only be pleased if they get their way. Here’s the thing though, how many times has she compromised for them? It’s time for them to compromise. I’m sure you are telling your friend these things. Like I said, you are a good friend not to give up on her. Hugs!

I truly appreciate everyone who did not give up on me.
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RBuser, who gives a care what she is telling people.

The ones that matter will see it for what it is and the others, well they don't matter.

I told several people that believed my dads bs that they can have him, lock, stock and barrel, because he doesn't need a piece of crap like me helping him, so please take him since you can do so much better. That shuts them up and not one of them helped in anyway, only repeat his crappy lies.

Hold fast to taking your life back, keep those boundaries and never let her move back in.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Great answer! Wise advice.
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