I have posted several times about my 92-yr-old grandpa who has been clinically diagnosed with moderate vascular dementia with depressive mood disorder and now living in a MC facility. I have this MASSIVE anxiety that someone is going to listen to his stories and accusations and believe him and that he will be sent home. I KNOW that is not the way it works but I even dream about it. He was very hard to live with even before the dementia took over but now it is so much worse. I have tried visiting and all he does is tell me he doesnt belong there and he is nothing like the other residents. He believes his mind is fine and he can come back home and even drive. Sometimes he sounds lucid as he says this so I am always questioning myself.
I guess my question is how has anyone else handled these feelings?
My grandpa is not a social person. He never has been. He hates everyone which is why he has no family left. The two times I have visited have been like seeing two different people but neither had a straight mind. I think a lot of the anxiety comes from being the ONLY one in the family who is involved and so of course it weighs heavily on me. I am trying to enjoy my life more and plan things to get my life back as those last 5 years of living with him strained all my personal relationships with family, friends and my spouse.
Thanks again for all the support this forum brings.
i hope therapy helps!! Best wishes
My mother plagued my dreams too while she was alive. I regret not going on antidepressants back then, actually, bc they would've relieved my anxiety a lot. There's no easy way to deal with a loved one suffering from dementia, but especially one with anosognosia. Its dreadful. Being accused of putting them away for no good reason grates on the nerves and plays the guilt card HARD. But we are the ones w/o dementia and the power to realize and separate the facts from the fiction. Although it sure feels like we've jumped down the rabbit hole with them sometimes, I know.
Keep your visits brief and plan some treat for yourself afterwards. That's my suggestion. Or visit from a distance where GPA doesn't know you're there but you can see that he's okay. It seems to me these elders do fine until WE show up and then the histrionics begin. Take care of yourself throughout this ordeal my friend. And it's definitely an ordeal.
DBT emphasizes learning to identify your emotions without being consumed by them, building distress tolerance so you don’t spiral into panic, practicing mindfulness, regulating emotions, and increasing interpersonal effectiveness. One of the tenants is “check the facts” which helps you pause and ground in reality as opposed to dwelling on imagined worst-case scenarios. You identify where you are making assumptions, and look at the real evidence. Then ask does your emotion fit the facts, or is it coming from somewhere else.
Like in your case, maybe you would ask yourself, has anyone who works in the MC ever said that they believe your grandpa or think he should be released? When you get updates from them, what do they say? Can you ask them what they do when he makes these claims?
it helps to have a therapist with a sense of humor.
good luck!
And at this point I would limit your visits to perhaps just once a month if they upset you so.
And who cares if anyone believes the stories and accusations he tells them as all the other people there also have broken brains. And the staff at this point have probably heard it all by now anyway, so quit your unproductive worrying.
And it may be helpful to you to seek out a good therapist that can walk you through why you're having such anxiety over this.
Instead you should have peace that your demented grandpa is now being cared for 24/7 and is safe. You can't ask for more than that.
I want to encourage you to mindfully remind yourself that MC will not just accept someone for care, they need to meet the care requirements to be admitted. As sad and hard as this is for all of you, he is exactly where his level of care and need put him. He needs to be there.
Placing a loved one was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. It kept me up at night, I worried, I cried, I fretted if he really needed a facility and I churned our interactions over and over praying that this was the right thing, it's exhausting. Reminding myself of the reasons for the move helped a great deal and not listening to his showtiming about what he can do and is going to do and he didn't need to be there, yada, yada, yada. I learned that he would say anything to keep me feeling bad. It was on me to disregard the FOG.
I found that having some type of activity made visits so much easier. I would cut his and all his house pals hair, I would bring a treat for everyone or have group sessions of story telling. It made him a rock star in his facility and he eventually calmed down his attacks on me.
Is there anything distracting that you can engage him in before he starts trying to manipulate you with the guilt? Can you just change the subject to something that is light hearted or fun? Can you bring activities that draw others in to make the visit easier on you?
I don't think that anyone in a facility will ever be happy there, but can they find peace within themselves to just be there, yes, I do believe that they find a way to be there, that is until a family member shows up, then the FOG show begins. If you think on this, you will find it entertaining to watch how that works. Stand around corners when he doesn't know you are present, you'll see then how he is really coping with his new reality.
May The Lord give you strength, guidance and wisdom to deal with this hard season.