My father is gone. Mom is 90 as mentioned above. I don't see brother or sister or talk. See my mom 2-3 times a year if that. I am 68 retired, don't have a lot but live comfortably. Want to go to Alaska. Mom is in good health just doesn't know any of us.
Personally, I think it is better to be there for someone when they are alive. When they are dead, they are gone the moment to be there for them has passed.
I would suggest planning a great day for your mum and spending it with her. Make a meaningful memory before you go. Even though she doesn't remember you, leave nothing unsaid and leave her smiling. She may still be here when you get home though!
Odds are she will be, and then OP can make some more memories!
You also indicate she's in good heath. Even with dementia, it isn't likely she's going to pass, though it could happen. Should we put our lives on hold because "something" might happen? My mother was in relatively good health and was well into year 4 in MC. Her recent memories were gone, but she was living life about 40+ years ago, so she still knew who I was. The virus cut into visits but based on reaction to a pic a staff member took when I was delivering supplies, she was still aware of who I was. She had a stroke around Labor Day, but refused transport (not even clear what they would/could do for her anyway!) and I honored her wishes. The MC nurse brought in OT/PT to see if they could help her eat and help pivoting (dominant side was affected and she was already in a wheelchair.) Sadly another stroke finished her off, but it was about 2.5 months later. There is no way to know when someone might pass. IF she were very ill and clearly not long for this world, that would be a different story.
Even if she didn't have dementia, death can happen anytime, at any age, expected or not. If she didn't have dementia and was just 90 in good health, would you delay/cancel this trip?
Both my parents were cremated. Dad's interment was delayed (passed in Nov, ashes buried late Jan - it's a military cemetery, so we have to work with their schedule.) There were several of my cousins, dad's YB, my YB, mom and that's about it. We had no big hoopla. One cousin invited us to their house after the service, but being about 2 hrs away, we (daughter, SIL and me) went home after (I was about to return to work after about 10 months medical recovery too.) OB, who isn't local, didn't bother to attend.
Mom passed mid-December and I requested delay in interment of her ashes with dad's until the weather was nicer. I live a bit further away now, and didn't want to deal with winter storms. By this time, many of those who attended were no longer with us (mom was 97.) Two cousins (one from each side), my YB, my two kids was it. YB's kids (both in their 20s) didn't attend and OB didn't either.
It's really up to you. Will some tongues wag if she passed and you didn't/couldn't attend her funeral? Maybe. Talk is cheap. Were they there for her while she was living? For those who want to talk trash about me, have at it. I do what I feel is right and can sleep okay knowing I did what was best given the circumstances. I don't need someone else's approval for my decisions. Sure, you could delay your trip and mom could live another 10 years. By then, you might not be able to make that trip. Go see her now if that would make you feel better and take the trip.
I have health conditions myself and some of the vacations we are planning, even those of only a few days, could risk my health by not being really near a hospital. I just make that judgement, how much do I want to go and what is the risk?
The only one who decides if you are a bad "child" is you. Do your best and don't make decisions you would regret, BUT, realize when you would regret EITHER decision (to go on your trip or nor, to return if she passes or not). And NFN, if she does pass, someone will need to be executor. It is very much worthwhile to have a friend local to your mom or talk to a lawyer if you need to deal with such a situation remotely. We all need time to heal *ourselves*, especially caregivers.
You are never required to attend a funeral, even if there will be harsh judgement from some if you do not. Judgement from others is not a good reason to do or not do things.
The fact that your vacation might be "expensive" should not be part of your decision. That sounds like you are putting a monetary value on your mother's importance in your life.
Your decision about attending (what about arranging?) a,funeral should be made independently of the cost of your trip.
I work for Disney travel &
I hear this all the time, but if it were me, I would forgo the trip.
Maybe I have a different relationship with my parents than you.
Your the one who has to live with yourself.
Parents deserve better just because she doesn't realize, they gave for you their entire life even if you were too small to remember.
Also, at the rate things are heating up and burning down, Alaska might not be there!
Maybe you want strangers to tell you that your behavior is okay. Plenty will cheer on your uncaring behavior. Plenty will say that is what they did! Repulsive all around!!
Others, like myself are horrified. I wish I could “un-read” your question! Is there still hope for humanity?
It’s never too late to improve, but if you are asking this question, that doesn’t sound the advice you want to hear.
Maybe on your vacation you can at least reflect on the quality of your behavior.
He was one of the most considerate people, even to the end of his life nearly 18 years later.
Funerals are for the nes left behind and if the sibling relationship isn't close, then there is no need to go an have an awkward time .
With your father gone, wouldn't that funeral be planned by you and your siblings? And, couldn't it be planned at a time when you are not rushing back from a planned vacation?
If your mother is in good health when you leave, I, personally, see no reason not to go on a trip, or to have to return if she dies suddenly.
If a family member is in decline, I would probably see things differently.
With your mom's age, it is wise for you to buy trip insurance in case something happens just before you leave so you are there, and not thousands of mile away.
But, it strikes me that all depends on your relationship with your siblings.
Perhaps they are the ones you should be asking.
All the other stuff in your question (your age, trip destination, finances, retirement, and communication with siblings) really has nothing to do with your decision to see you mom, or attend her funeral - though clearly there is a lot of emphasis on these things. The fact that your mom doesn't remember your visits also has little to do with her and everything to do with you. A long life, prologed illness, and ultimate death of our family members is a stressor that brings out our true nature. I hope peace of mind comes to you - but it won't be found in Alaska, it is found in your heart. I hope you find it.
If you were my daughter and we had/have a good relationship I would tell you to go on your trip, enjoy yourself and tell me all about it when you return. (This assuming I am in good health now).
I am not the one that is going to care if you are there for a wake, funeral or other gathering. It is all the other people that are going to give opinions one way or the other. You are the one that is going to field the questions of “where were you? Why were you not with your mom?” The answer to those questions are none of anyone’s business. Only time will tell if you feel “guilty” about not being there, all I can say is guilt is an emotion that to much time and effort is wasted on. You have nothing to feel guilty about if you made an informed decision given the circumstances and possibilities at the time.
go, enjoy your trip, it’s one I would love to take