I am the caregiver for my 89 yrs old mother I work from home 40 hrs a week I used to work nights so I didn't have to deal with her as much and I got a few hrs a late at night for my self recently got a new job which leave me with no me time whatsoever. I have two sisters and neither one seems to what to pitch in. They always have excuses, am I wrong to think they should be doing their part?
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I'd break that sentence in two.
1. "They should want to help you in caring for your mother.."
Should definition: used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.
Maybe true... but that won't change a thing or make them help.
People will only help if they want to.
2. "and you need all the help you can get".
Yes. So find alternative help.
your sister/sibling has a moral obligation to make sure your life doesn’t drown because of her inaction.
if a facility is needed, the sister can help. finding a good facility, making sure there’s no neglect, etc, etc, all takes time/stress.
if staying at home, the sister can still help - in some way - so that your life isn’t totally miserable. there are millions of ways to help.
absolutely not ok to dump it all on 1 sibling.
I only say this because I have two sisters who weren’t (past tense) helping my 83 year old mom who lives alone. I live in another state (and have my own chronicle health problems and work) and I have been the only one doing anything…until I complained to my therapist who said what I just did.
Try to figure out (by asking) why they’re not helping and try being really humble and tell them you just can’t do it alone.
I followed her suggestion and now at least one sister is devoting a day out of her week and often more to help.
I’ll freely say that she doesn’t do it the way I would 😉 but that’s beside the point. At least she’s doing it and it has brought us (surprisingly) closer because we now commiserate together and support each other, and that was a great benefit.
It’s also self care and you may be able to do it yourself but ask family and friends to pitch in. You might be pleasantly surprised.
I wish for you self care and healing and help for something that’s so difficult to do all on your own.
No it is not ok for siblings dodging responsibility for taking care of their parents!
If your mom was a good or great mom, then it is their duty and responsibility to share the load. Did she changed their butts, feed them, clothes them, be there for them. Then Guess what its their turn. For thousand of years we had it this way. For good reason. Because it keeps the human tribe whole. My family just had this fight over the holiday too. The ones who believe everyone should help caring the load won.
So if you're holding the bag at the end with POA. Cut them out of anything that was not expressly given to them in a will. You are not alone. And it's ok to be Angry. Because your siblings are being selfish. If it takes a Village to care for kids then it takes a Village to care for elders.
You can try to ask for a family meeting. Make a list of even small things that you can think of that will help you and see if you can get support and commitment from either of them. Just be prepared that they may never be what you need. It is better to find out now - as then it gives you the option of finding other resources to help - you will need to know so that you can move forward and find a better way for yourself.
I say ask for a meeting - make sure you make a list of way to help and see where they are willing to commit and hear you. That way you know now and even if it stings - it gives you a path to find other people or way to receive help and stops setting you up for being let down.
My sister came to see mom once on the last 2 years - mom has asked her for 8/9 months when she can visit - the answer is always “I don’t know and I’m busy at work” I begged her to give me breaks 2/3 times a year (I have since stopped begging) - 2 weeks ago she told mom she booked a last minute trip to Aruba (her second trip to Aruba in 2 years) - I use to get sick inside - mostly now my heart breaks for my mom. I’m telling you it is better to know so you can stop waiting and start finding a different team of people to help you. So sorry - I do understand how awful it is when you cannot count on your own family. (((Hugs)))
these siblings issues are difficult. i wish us all well.
in my case, if i had left to see if my siblings (all men; i’m the only woman) step up, they would have left my parents to die. my siblings just don’t care. they’re awful, selfish, people.
my parents had several emergencies (life-threatening). the siblings don’t care. didn’t react. didn’t call our parents.
of course, also total silence when asked to help with anything. our parents directly asked them to help many times. they ignored it all. often they said to our parents, “yes! we’ll help with X and Y problems”, with no intention to help; it was just something they said to look good.
i made lists; asked for family conferences. tried to get things distributed a bit. all ignored.
——
i helped with millions of things: not just health, several administrative problems. my siblings knew if they don’t help, i’ll do it: i’ll do it because if i don’t, it would be a disaster for our parents.
right now, my parents are doing very well. i helped a lot. things are calm.
and i found new, better private caregivers.
i’ve now indeed withdrawn all help. i’m focusing on me now. and i want to expose just how bad my siblings are.
my parents also want me to focus on me.
the caregivers have been instructed to inform only my siblings of all problems. now all stress/problems go to them. doctors, etc, all these people have been instructed now to contact my siblings.
my siblings recently told the caregivers and my parents, “yes, we’ll help!”
that’s their usual strategy, “yes, yes,” to look good, and then they do nothing.
i do call my parents, speak with them. but all problems are going to my siblings.
for years my siblings had zero stress, while i helped. they just called (every few months) and had nice conversations with our parents, “hello, i’m on my boat, blah, blah, etc.”
——
i wish us well.
it’s a new month. i hope december will be nice for us all! some of us are right in the middle of emergencies, or other very tough situations. hugs!! i hope things go ok!!
bundle of joy
I have seen adult children insist on taking care of a parent and they were abusing them and not even meant to take care of anyone.
In times past I have had people rant and rave and guilt trip me because I did not want to take care of this or that patient and they could not seem to understand that I was frantic for reasons that were none of their business.
You might want to find out if insurance might cover the cost of her care, even if only for a short time. In some cases, you might find volunteer services but I'm not the expert in this way.
Good for you making your brothers say the real reason why they don't help.
Make them own it and own it in front of everyone. That's what I did.
It's one thing to draw the short straw and get all the responsibility put on you while the siblings do nothing. It's quite another thing to let them completely off the hook. Not happening. I'm not above a public shaming when it comes to siblings who avoid helping out.
yes absolutely, i agree.
unfortunately, my 3 brothers will continue lying, etc.
that's ok.
the truth becomes pretty clear very soon.
anyway, i feel a million times better, focusing on me now.
in any case, there is no choice -- i'll drown if i don't focus on me. my life will totally crumble. is that kind towards me? no. so i'm nice towards others, but very mean towards myself? no, that's not ok.
i'm not saying i'll never help again -- but for the next 2 years, my brothers will help. then i'll help again, then they will, etc.
the reality, is that they won't help.
...but as i said, i found very good home caregivers. for now, they are doing a great job. hopefully, they are honest people. where we live, this is an issue with home caregivers...
of course, i continue speaking/visiting my parents.
but all problems now go to my siblings.
and anyway, i'm saying NO to this sexist thing (it's not an accident that 99.99999% of us helping, are women) (this has been going on for generations and generations. let's stop this.)
i write about my siblings on this website, because sometimes, our individual stories help others. sometimes someone's solution, helps someone else to find a good solution.
...we all have different situations. but many of us have similar situations.
hugs!!
wishing us well.
let's be kind to others AND ourselves. your future self will say, "thank goodness you saved me, too."
bundle of joy :)
SIL's excuse is her husband doesn't like having his MIL because then he would have to have his mom come. His mom has lived 3K miles away for 15 years so I'm not buying it.
SIL is a selfish, lazy person who had to be forced to pay attention to her own mother after using her for decades.
You will probably have to go outside of the family for support. Your sisters will come to regret their lack of support, later.