Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I agree that if you don't want to be there you shouldn't do it. I, too, want to remember people as I knew them in life. I would go and see them to say my last goodbyes, while they were living, if they are close to me even though they didn't know me.

I spent quite a bit of time with my Grandma growing up who lived in a small town. She lived next door to a funeral home and felt it was her duty to visit there if they "had a body", whether she knew them or not. Me, being very young, had no choice but to go with her. When I became a teenager, I refused to look at anyone in a casket, I had had enough. My Grandma thought I was a terrible person for thinking that.

Through the years I have seen death, the worst was walking in to see my Dad, unexpectedly, dead in the floor, I was alone. It was terrifying for me as I dialed 911 to report it at the scene (at the time, there weren't cell phones). The firemen arriving, then the police, all were very nice and comforting to me. A fireman came to tell me that there was nothing that could be done and asked if I wanted to see him warning me that rigor mortise had set in and that his legs and arms were in the air, that news put me in more of a downhill spiral. He was pronounced dead at the scene, I then needed to wait for the funeral home to come get his body. It was the coldest day of the year, I paced the backyard with his dog for several hours with light snow falling.

I know there is a good chance I will go to wake Mom and find her gone, I am prepared for that. Even now, I open the door slowly, then watch to see her breathing.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I think it does matter a great deal whether the person is aware of their surroundings and if there's a possibility of providing comfort, or even feeling as though you're providing comfort. I say thing because when my sister was dying, I don't think she knew I was there, but I was unwilling to leave her until she left me, and I stayed with her until the last breath. In her case, that's what I could live with. I wasn't horrified by the experience, or by seeing her in an open casket, although it was difficult for me to leave her there and go home, and I felt there would have been more closure if we had buried her instead of cremation (it wasn't my choice to make).

My mother had the idea when her best friend died that she wanted to remember her as she was, and since my mother was travelling (visiting me, as it happens) when her friend took sick she continued with her plans even though I urged her to go home and be with her friend. Years later, she told me she regretted that decision and felt she should have been there, and she did not make the same mistake when my sister died. She sat by the bedside holding my sister's hand for the last few hours of her life, even though she had to sit in a wheelchair since she's no longer ambulatory. I don't know if my sister knew that Mom was with her either, but Mom knew, and that was the important thing. Yes, it's what you can live with, and what you'll want to remember in the end. I wanted my sister to be enveloped in love and warmth as she died, and we did our best to accomplish that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This is a delicate and personal question. Having said that I believe if it is at all possible for someone to see a loved one before they pass away..they should do it. Maybe not even for yourself but for someone else. Maybe the one dying or maybe for a family member that needs the support. Yep,it is difficult, but life is hard and something's cannot be redone. I was able to give my sister spiritual comfort 12 days before she passed. The family did not allow me with her again, but I knew in my heart she was secure and have taken great comfort for myself and my mom. I was the only one there as my dad passed because people kept leaving because it was so hard. It was the sweetest time to hold my dad's hand as he breathed his last breath. My brother refuses to come see his 89 year old mother and I find that so very selfish. I am losing my mother everyday to dementia. So with this input may God give you the strength to make the right decision and to have peace with it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Skyhigh, at first I saw only the headline of your post - is it wrong to not see a person dying, but wanting to remember them as they were? - which gave me the wrong impression.

Mica's comment that you should do what you can live with must be true. And especially it is certainly true in the circumstances you go on to describe, where the person to be visited is either unaware or already gone.

But if the person is in the process of dying, and wants to see you, it's a different kind of question. Unfortunately I have known circumstances where family members stayed away because it was too "traumatic" (if they'd been through your experiences, I wouldn't be curling my lip at that word I assure you) to visit. "He gets so depressed to see your mother going downhill." "Oh, but you know I hate hospitals!" Oh dearie me. Poor them.

In spite of your internal scars, you were there when your mother needed you, and you paid your respects in every way that mattered. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Others do.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I can understand your feelings. I didn't go see my uncle when he was in LTC, he had Dementia. Even though I had worked in LTC and delt with Dementia and residents passing away. With my uncle it was personal, I wanted to remember him as he was. I was with my brother when he was taken off ventilator and he passed. I wish I hadn't been there, I will never forget his eyes. My mother is 89 and I do not want to be there when her time comes. I know she won't be alone,the staff is wonderful at her LTC.

You do what is right for you... yes Thank You for your service!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Wrong? Not at all... you do what you can live with.
I visited my dad till I knew it was his last couple of days - even though it wasnt apparent he was on his last couple days, I knew it.
I did not want to be there when he passed, or after because I knew it would put me over the edge again. The cremation place came and took what was him, but wasnt any more.
My memories are now of him talking to me of happy days, I still feel as though he is in the NH joking and well.
Do what you need to do as far as visiting- I sat and held his hand and told him i loved him, and left knowing i would not go back because i knew he was passing.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I think it's a personal decision and you should do what you feel comfortable with. You state that you are an old Vet. Let me thank you for your service to our country. You certainly have seen a lot and I would think anyone would understand your decision to forego things like open caskets or someone near death. Do what you feel is right for you. I'd have peace with that.

I don't want to particularly visit under those circumstances, but as my cousin's POA and only involved family member, I have no choice. I will be there with her to the end with her struggle with dementia. I understand why some stay away. It's understandable.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter