Not sure if this question has come up in this forum, but the reason I ask this is that my siblings and I lived with a narcissistic parent all our lives. All our achievements and failures were mirrored in this parent as if it were a reflection on them and how they were perceived. My sister was the one that suffered the most and was scorned and ridiculed for her life choices. So she moved out as soon as she could. My brother married a narcissist who made his life hell. Thank God they’re separated.
Now my sister is married fairly happily, but she is displaying some narcissistic traits, well, she admitted this to me herself and said that she was sure that we did not escape unscathed from our childhood without a few scars. I’m sure that anyone who has or had a narcissistic parent would be affected by their toxic behaviour long term.
But what I do know is that having a narcissistic parent can leave its damage on some level, and it's helpful to work through this in order to move past it.
A few months in and it was really difficult getting along. I remember one time she made some "final" nasty remark; I couldn't take it. My daughter lives here also and stayed around and I drove a few hours back to the area I used to live years ago and loved, and slept in the car overnight. I actually walked into Walmart and bought a sleeping bag, a pillow, some Hershey dark chocolate kisses, a bottle of wine, and a flashlight, and a cell phone charger. Slept in the car overnight, think that was the night I found out about this website and began reading and venting.
And when I went home the next day, over the next few weeks I ordered some books about daughters of narcissistic mothers and other similar ones, and plowed through reading and underlining and starring things that jumped out at me in similarity... and I began to really learn the extent of it.
Mom continued living with me the next 6 years. There were arguments, times when she'd storm off into her bedroom, accusations by each of us.... and then there were also good times, laughing together and enjoying one another.
Three years in, Mom had a stroke and heart attack at age 94... thought that would be the end, but she showed her strength and recuperated fully within a couple of months. Sometime after that, I thing we both kind of changed. She softened and we got along better; I could see she was getting older and tried to be better at getting along.
Mom passed away 2 weeks ago at age 97. But before she did, we managed to take a long vacation. We cruised twice, flew to Dublin, Ireland so she could finally for once in her life see her "heritage". She asked me 6 and 7 times within minutes where we were, but she enjoyed it. It rained in Dublin for 2 days. The final day was really cold and so windy, but I bundled both of us up and pushed Mom in her wheelchair all around the cobblestoned roads Dublin, and saw The Long Room at Trinity College ( a beautiful old, old huge library ), St Patrick's Cathedral, a little of Fleet Street, and stopped in Butlers Chocolate Cafe and had a cup of hot chocolate and a slice of cake and brownie.
Throughout our entire vacation, people stopped by Mom and me and wished her well. And when we came home, a week later she was hospitalized for her congestive heart failure and kidney failure and later passed away quietly and comfortably in Hospice.
There are different people, different affects of narcissism, and anyone who has not lived through it cannot fathom the difficulties that extends into all areas of the lives of those affected. The sooner people affected can read and understand about it, the sooner you can heal and learn how to live. Reading the books I did, and understanding that narcissism was a real, tangible thing, I was able to start moving through it and how to deal with it and heal.
hear some more about this on this podcast
https://beatyourgenes.org/2020/10/15/240-dealing-with-narcissism-small-talk-vs-discussing-unconventional-views/
I take great comfort that I am not at all like anyone in my immediate family.
Thank goodness there is so much more information about narcissism on the web than 20+ years ago. As well as vastly increased public awareness. Narcissists are now being held accountable, questions asked, their awful behaviors not tolerated. How I hope this continues and more people are protected, saved from them.
We aren't a creature who likes being "without answers" so often enough we make them up. "Oh, she's a narcissist because.............." or "Oh, of course he feels responsible for the whole world; he was raised by a narcissist."
There are also degrees in most of these labels, as most humans --indeed most animals--are self motivated and self seeking. The Narcissist sometimes doesn't even "recognize" that there IS another, let alone have empathy for the other's needs.
Fun to discuss it all, but I think we won't ever have the answer other than the current "vogue " of current thought and DSM manual rewrites.
your answers are always helpful.
As others have mentioned, true narcissism isn't something that just appears overnight- it is built and genetics alone don't create it. It is a personality disorder. The conditions have to be aligned to create the perfect storm so to speak. There are very few 'self-aware' narcissists. The disorder actually works against them to prevent them from being self aware. In fact, most narcissists can recognize it in other people and will often accuse others of being narcissistic (frequently when the other person is stealing their supply). Typically if you are afraid you are one, you probably aren't.
I have paid very close attention over the last few years especially to your question. My husband is VERY concerned he will end up like his father. While he can sometimes have selfish tendencies (can't we all) I am married to a man who would turn the world upside down for his family. He spent years being his father's verbal (and unfortunately also physical) punching bag. His sister did too. They were both under the impression that the other was the Golden Child. They were both the Scapegoat. They were both robbed of a childhood and they were both robbed of having the father they deserved. What my husband sees as him behaving like his father is often just him behaving like a normal person in my opinion - him expecting people to treat him as he deserves to be treated - well. But he was taught that he wasn't allowed to have an opinion, he wasn't allowed to speak up for himself or stand his ground so when he steps out of those boundaries he feels like he is imposing on people and being a jerk.
My husband and his sister could benefit from therapy. They have spent a lot time talking since we all became caregivers for FIL. They have learned a lot about their childhoods that they had repressed as MIL put a lot of energy into pretending and protecting. They listen to me and my BIL talk about our 'normal' (read only slightly dysfunctional) childhoods and compare and are just now beginning to recognize that their childhoods weren't what everyone else had.
While I do think there is some level of genetics involved, I think environment plays a HUGE part, but also your predisposition and personality also play a huge part.
My FIL had one parent who condemned him as the crap under his shoe, worthless. And he had another parent who, in trying to counteract his father, spent all of her time convincing my FIL that he was the second coming. I can see how this was a lot of mixed signals. My FIL has NEVER been held accountable by ANYONE. He has never been told no or been made to be responsible for his own actions in nearly 90 years. And people have enabled him his entire life. That will twist your brain significantly and if you are predisposed to a personality disorder - you are done.
My FIL was a perfect storm. He was genetically predisposed. His father was a narc, his mother was a SUPER enabler and his grandmother was as well and she lived with them. They OVER enabled him. He married an enabler. He conditioned his children to obey or pay. And the system has worked in his favor for nearly 90 years. It is only now that he is nearing the end that his supply has dried up and he is facing narcissistic collapse that he is seeing that he can't control everything.
I think if you are worried you could be a narcissist, the chances are slim that you actually are one. But if you are self aware enough to recognize that you have areas of concern, I think we all have areas that we can focus on for self improvement.
My father was basically ignored by his mother who in my view was a cold miserable thing. His father on the other hand was a lovely man. My dad has told me frequently in the last few years that he is positive that his mother disliked him as a child ( owing to a few things that she did to him psychologically) and that this dislike carried on into his adult years. She had her favourites ( my dad had 5 brothers). Over the years he has displayed misogynistic views about women generally and I’ve always maintained that his mother must have done a real job on him, for my father to be so anti women. I feel sorry for him now he’s an old man and the toxic upbringing that he had.
ever made. When I called him on it years later, he wasn’t sorry he was defensive, and non accountable. I was wrong and he was right.
https://www.businessinsider.com/how-children-grow-up-to-be-narcissists-2017-10
There's a TON of info on the internet about NPD; just Google it.
Good luck!