SRADES64 Asked June 27, 2024
Is there anything I can do to convince my mother that no one is stealing from her?
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My 91 yr. old mother has dementia and has always been a narcissist. She thinks my husband and my sons steal from her. She also thinks they stay in her home when she’s in the hospital and “ransack” her place. This is all baseless but then she tells these things to complete strangers. I have to help her because she can’t drive, she has poor eyesight and hearing and has totally isolated herself, but I can’t stand to be around her. She is a very mean, nasty woman.
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I read your profile . I’m sorry you have recently lost your son . And between that and your mother’s illness it’s understandable that this is so difficult .
You’ve had so much on your mind .
Do you have POA for your mother ? Or does another family member ?
Because what you described of your mother coming across the yard to your house and trying to hit you over the head with tools is an alarm sounding that your mother needs to be placed in memory care .
POA if invoked can have your mother placed in memory care .
The other point is that you were not safe . If that happens again where you or someone in your home is unsafe due to your mother call 911. Tell them Mom is agitated . A UTI could make Mom act out worse . They will take Mom to the hospital . From there you can speak to the social worker and they can help place Mom in a facility .
You would need to tell them she is violent , you are not safe , you can not take care of your mother any longer . And that it’s an “ unsafe discharge “ because your mother should not be living alone . Use the words “ unsafe discharge “ , because they will try to get you to take Mom home at first . Do not pick Mom up from the hospital . Do not move in with Mom or move her in with you .
If your mother ends up in the hospital for any reason at all . Same as above do not take her home , get her placed .
I certainly hope there are no guns in either of your homes for Mom to get a hold of.
Don't wait until she seriously injures someone or burns the house down before you call APS and the police on her.
She belongs in memory care. Put her in one or let the state put her in one.
Your mother is very dangerous. She could have seriously hurt you.
See if your state has the Baker Act. She needs psychiatric care.
"My 89 year old mother is my next door neighbor and is suffering from paranoia, narcissism and a form of dementia. She is such a mean, bitter, miserable woman that she is totally isolated from everyone. Last night she came to my door to accuse my husband of stealing 2 tools from her house. We NEVER go into her house but she’s always accusing us of stealing and ransacking her place. She lifted up her hand above her head to hit me with the tools that she said my husband replaced hers with. I was able to physically protect myself. She is the reason I searched for this website. I need clarity and advice and support without condemnation."
You need to call 911 if she even just threatens you. Tell EMTs she's volatile, has attacked you in the past with weapons and may have a UTI. At the hospital she will be tested. This is your opportunity to transition her into a facility. She is an unsafe discharge. Ask to speak to a social worker on how to have her go into a facility directly from the hospital.
If she currently isn't taking any meds for her agitation and aggression, then this will need to happen while in the hospital before she can go into any facility.
My 95-yr old Mom lives next to me. When she gets paranoid there's no convincing her since dementia robs people of their reason and logic and empathy. She came to me yesterday insisting I had 3 of her spoons. I knew I didn't but I looked anyway. Today she came back to the house when she knew I was gone but my husband was home and looked through the drawers again, and of course didn't find them but she hasn't asked me since. I don't bother trying to convince her of anything -- it never changes or eases her mind.
Your Mom needs facility care for her sake and yours. Please take care of yourself! I'm so sorry for the loss of your son (and for all the years of distress that I'm sure preceded it). May you receive peace in your heart.
https://www.alz.org/kansascity/helping_you/programs_services/for_families_and_care_partners/companion-card
There's a ton of them online if you Google "dementia cards".
Call 911 when mom threatens you, as mentioned. This is NOT about compassion but your safety at this point. Violent behavior is common with dementia, unfortunately.
Good luck to you.
The mother sounds like she is at the point where she should not be taken out in public anymore.
The one time the ladies all got together in the AL, with my mother ring leading them, to discuss all the THEFTS going on, they marched into the Executive Directors office to lodge a complaint. The man had the patience of Job. He told them there was nothing he could do personally about all the "theft" because none of it was witnessed, but they should feel free to call the sheriff to file a report.
My mother would never put her money where her mouth was, but one of the other old biddies did just that....she called the sheriff! So later that evening, the county sheriff and the Executive Director himself knocked on my mother's door to interview her about the silver heart necklace with dad's CREMAINS in it that was stolen. Of all things. My mother flew into a meltdown immediately and told them no such thing had happened, that she'd never said such a thing, and slammed the door in their faces! And proceeded to call ME in hysterics. I told her that accusations have consequences, mom. She tried telling me she never accused anybody and I cut her right off, the gig wss UP.
The next day, I went over to her apartment, pulled her big jewelry box out of the closet, and sitting right on top of the pile was the "stolen" silver heart necklace with dad's cremains in it. "Where did THAT come from?" my flustered mother demanded to know. "Right where you put it, ma, that's where it came from."
The moral of the story is this: agree with mom or don't, it doesn't matter. Once dementia sets in, they get an idea stuck in their head and you can't chop it out of there with an AXE.
Right after The Necklace Incident, my mother went right back to insisting the staff was robbing her blind. I let it all go in one ear and out the other. Which is what I suggest you do, too. Right after you place her in Memory Care Assisted Living because living alone is absurd at this point.
I recommend you consider:
1. Not visiting or visit / check in very infrequently based on how you feel being around her. These toxic feelings are not good for either of you.
2. Contact Teepa Snow; sign up for a few webinars or get her books on what dementia is / the different types / how the brain is affected / and how to communicate.
3. Never take her 'confused' dementia 'thinking' and communications personally. This is NOT personal to you at all. Her brain cells are declining and dying. She cannot help it.
4. You do not 'try to convince.'
You change the subject or
say "I'll check into it. ... Thank you for telling me."
She won't be able to change. She may keep repeating herself. The 'best' you can do is limit your visits / interactions as she is clearly triggering you in very toxic ways.
The key is to keep her calm so you tell her whatever may support that.
Also, consider if medication is needed. Talk to the nurse / administrator / manager / MD.
5. Get volunteers or pay caregivers to visit. Even if very limited. Call college dept heads in nursing, geriatrics, counseling. Tell them you want to hire a student to visit or ask for volunteers.
Realize she won't change and you have to - for you/r well being and perhaps for the quality of your marriage/family life.
Finally, ask yourself why you are putting yourself in this position since you clearly do not want to be and/or unable to cope with your mother? I might suggest you get into therapy - to process through how you feel now - and perhaps find out what is 'running you'/r behavior and thoughts now. It could be decades of having a narcissist mother and the wounding that's caused you.
I feel pain just reading how adverse you feel about being around her - and that you do it. I realize that often finances are involved. Although you need to take care of yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
So then convincing her may not be possible. But what if you just say "no they arent" then just change the subject. Or ignore if she persists. Anyway, even if she thinks they are stealing, what is she going to do about it? Probably she cant do a thing. if she tries to tell others that they are stealing, just shake your head so they can see that its nonsense.
This stuff is not easy to deal with, I agree.
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