Living with and caring for my 97 yr old dad and I work p/t. Got calls today from all my 3 sibs saying they are coming to our house for Father’s Day. Great, except I’m expected to “throw a party” for all of them. I asked if they could bring a dish to share and I got “ but we are 2-3 hrs away, that’s too difficult”. Whatever... I’ll suck it up for dad.
My sister just got back from 10 days in Jamaica, talking about her fantastic meals ( we eat bland mushy thing cause dad has no teeth ) her daily massages, seaweed wraps because she is soo stressed. Wanna talk about stressed? My therapy is wine. My dad has fallen 3 times this week while I was at work. My job is laying off all of us, gotta find something else quick. My sister doesn’t work but lectures me on finding another job, and yet complains that I am not home enough to monitor dad. Brought up that if we had to pay someone to do what I do, it would be room and board plus pay. She got nasty with me saying I should be happy with just room and board and “ fine we will put him in a VA home which is a death sentence”. Ugh. I feel soo unappreciated.
Paper plates, pizza and they bring whatever they want to drink.
Please try to come here for a few minutes everyday. Hibernating in your house everyday, caring for your LO, alone with your thoughts will drive you CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs!
I know your worried, but you do have lots of caregiving experience. Share it here, it'll take the focus off your worries, at least for a little while each day. I'm so sorry you're so alone right now.
Cyber Huggz
To answer a few questions, my dad is a sweetheart. So kind and appreciative, even says thank you every time I give him his meds. He worked 3 jobs at times to take care of his family.
With 6 of them here just for the afternoon I don’t think they seemed to get how much I do for him.
I have been keeping a journal on everything that goes on here.
Since your sibs live within a 3-4 hour drive, they should be visiting for at least a day every month. My sis did when she lived that far. Now she lives further yet she still visits every 2 or 3 months. She works full time. She gets on the train at 8pm Fri. Arrives here at 9am sat. Cooks and takes care of mom while she's here. I get to sleep in on Sunday. Then I take her to the train Sunday evening and she arrives home an hour before she has to be to work Monday morning. I'm not saying this to brag that I have a wonderful big sis (but she IS pretty incredible😊) I'm telling you this because you should know that you deserve more from them. If family is a priority, they can figure out ways to be more helpful. My other sibs live further away and are far less involved, but at least they appreciate me and that means a lot.
I think its a great idea to show them these posts so they can see they need to step up.
What I am not ok with is when out of town siblings decide to come visit and may assume they can stay at my place as well. Now I am looking after my parents and hosting guests - too stressful. I have put my foot down and let them know that there are B&Bs in the area, as well as motels. If we caregivers don't set boundaries, they will walk all over us.
Sitting on a park bench would have been good. The one you got was excellent. Well done.
I am so glad your dad will get two 'fathers days'. Tell them all to do the same for his birthday and Christmas. Oh, and May day and Thanks Giving (and any other holiday you can think of.)
Again - well done - great job. :)
I'd say "since it's Father's Day I thought you would enjoy some special time with Dad. He has me every day so it will be a real treat for him to have you take care of him just for today and cook a nice meal. You can grind it to mush for him." Then go.
And if Dear Sis gets after you about a job, present a bill just like a home health agency would. They can pay you for Dad't care or else they can pitch in on the memory care facility. If you collapsed, they would have to take care of him, and my guess is that they would place him immediately. Vent away and do nothing for those sibs!
As far as the cost of caregiving, can you get approved as an in-home caregiver? Adult foster care / family care? Frail elder program? Seems like "but for" your care, he would be in a nursing home.
Another thought -- we need a book that puts together many of the posts from this site for our sibs to read. Does anyone know if there is already a book for sibs who don't step up to the plate and provide care? There are plenty on how to care for your aging parent. My sister gave one to me!!!!
She called the ONE sibling that she shouldn't have called and told her it was time for them to pony up and help. So then *I* got a phone call. Long story made short, no help was forthcoming. I was offered $20 a month, which was like a slap in the face compared to what I was putting out at that time, and had been in lesser amounts, for a few years.
There's a couple of ways this can go - very well, or very badly. You have to judge based on your family dynamics how you think it will go - but be warned: it may not go how you think it will. The best, most easy-going siblings can turn ugly when money or caregiving is the issue.
I know Father's Day has come and gone but if it had been me I would have said Sorry, we've made other plans. Let them holler. Too bad for them.
All four of my sibs frequently tell me how thankful they are that I am taking care of mom. When I see these posts and comments about self centered siblings it breaks my heart for those of you who have to deal with them. But also I feel sad for them. They are missing out on caring for someone in need, and they may regret their selfish decisions after their parent is gone.
Wow! Now I'm rambling and have strayed from the topic.
Anyway I hope all of you, who are taking an active roll in caring for a parent, know that you are doing a wonderful thing and will be blessed in the future.
I'm glad we've all found the support of this wonderful online community :)