Just read a GREAT response to a poster's question re: a negative parent...

dear eat-prey-love,
i mean eat-pray-love,

just kidding.
but really — many of us are in this prey/predator situation, with people trampling on us.

i like isthisrealyreal’s message below very much. :)

and i myself will endeavour not to be prey.

that would be very sad, bundle of joy eaten up.

enjoy spring! it starts today! fresh start! earth is doing it too: new start.
:)

bundle of joy :)

I am 72. I am saying this because it took me almost this long to realize, you are not going to change people and to keep trying only effects you because they don't care.

I have a physically disabled nephew that for now can be on his own. I had not entered his apt since I set him up 3 years ago. He was hospitalized so my DH and I went into clean it up because...he hoards the weirdest things. Plastic grocery bags, cardboard boxes from internet deliveries, and full trash bags he refuses to throw in the dumpster thats not 50ft from his door. Because of COVID he has not worked in 2 yrs. (He works for ARC for those with disabilities) He gets heavier and heavier not good for someone who has the disabilities he does. We cleaned up his place as good as we could in one day. Was he happy, no. Told him to allow the coordinator to do for him. His hygiene is horrible. Do I worry. I used to but I have told myself I can't. This is nothing new, he has been like this his whole life. He needs someone overseeing him all the time and it can't be me.

I had a friend like your Mom. Yes, from her 50s she had health problems. She had not been married since 30 and raised 2 boys on her own. Always negative. Her boys ended up backing away from her. One, I am sure because of the way she talked about his wife. The other moved 2 hrs away and with working and school she did not see much of him. She had to take disability and couldn't afford to keep her car. She'd complain, you would give her a solution, always an excuse why it couldn't be done. She felt friends should be there when she needed them. Forgetting that they have families and work of their own. If she called and left a message she complained she never heard from them. I found one friend purposely didn't get back to her. First, she hated talking on the phone and second my friend called at bad times.

You can't fix Mom. You have to except this is the way she is going to be. Take her out that one time a week. Call her that once a day. If she complains about having nothing to do, say sorry to hear that, change the subject or say goodbye. DO NOT become her solution. DO NOT disable her. That means do not do things for her that she can do for herself.


If Mom has not had a physical in a while, you may want to get her one. Labs to see if there is anything physical. It could be depression, meds sometimes help. Could be, this is Mom. Think back, is this anything new or has she always been this way. Learn some comebacks to her negativity. Not nasty. Just the truth. "I don't have any friends" "No you don't Mom because to have a friend you have to be involved in an activity where you can meet them"

The one thing I realized about my friend was she had her own expectations about people and when they don't meet those expectations she gets mad and depressed. Ex: her son, 2 hrs away, bought a Duplex so she got it into her head that he would invite her to live in one half and he the other. Now, the duplex was side by side with stairs in each going to the bedrooms. My friend could not climb stairs anymore and used a walker. Her sons had learn to tell her NO, which is what B did when his Mom suggested this. So now she is mad and upset because of her assumption he would allow her to live next to him. Thats not Bs fault nor should he feel guilty about it.

Guilt is self imposed

No is a one word sentence

When saying No, you are not responsible for the response u receive

And my new mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.

dear isthisrealyreal,
:)

i’m referring to your great message below.

”she would devour me if I didn't protect me, because SHE is all SHE cares about”

”it is tough having a child devouring mother”

…OP, eat-pray-love

maybe it should be:

eat-prey-love

Possibly part of her problem is the TV. Too many seniors sit themselves, or someone sits them, in front of the stupid thing for hours and hours at a time. It's a very depressing form of "entertainment". It's addictive, bad for the eyes, and does no one any good unless it's just for one or two shows a day. Of course getting her away from it is impossible. Maybe unplug it and say it doesn't work. It seems she is unlikely to follow your advice.

Does Mom go out & socialise?

Coz it sounds like she may be dependant on you for all her social needs...?

Is Mom living alone?
Is she independant for ADLs? What about for other life stuff like groceries, bills, home maintenence?

Obviously fresh grief is a big player. But have you seen any steps towards adjusting to being a widow?

Guilt trips are emotional abuse. Stop making suggestions and just say ok and hang up. You are not responsible for her happiness.

Eat-pray-love,

I am beginning to wonder if we have the same mom. It is like the twilight zone, one person occupying two different bodies, ahhhh!!!!

My mom always has an excuse, reason or just not gonna do it. This is not dementia or old age, it is who she has always been. Sucks!!

I told her that I wasn't going to be the only one putting forth any effort. If she doesn't call me, I won't be calling her. She pitched a hissing fit, tough cookies momma, I call, then you call, if you don't call I won't be calling. And I don't cave, I don't care how long she doesn't call me, I won't call her if it's her turn. If she wants to have a relationship she needs to put some effort in, period. Same for your mom, no effort, no contact.

I have told my mom and yes, she was furious, who cares, that having the ability to do something different and choosing not to, she forfeits the right to b*tch to me about it, period. I remind her of this when she starts her poor me nonsense. Mom, what have YOU DONE TO CHANGE IT? Nothing! Oops, remember you don't get to vomit this all over me. Then I say I have to go 30 seconds or 10 minutes into the call, doesn't matter. Cross that boundary and lose the privilege of taking up my time. Every single time!

Honestly, it stinks having to be so hard ass with her but, she would devour me if I didn't protect me, because SHE is all SHE cares about. Your mom is the same, as long as you put in ALL the effort, you get the privilege of having her deal with you. CANNOT change her but, you can definitely change you and your boundaries.

Best of luck, it is tough having a child devouring mthr.

Nope. Stop. Stop now. You are far too emeshed with this behavior. It has not worked for you, for her, given what you've written so far here.
They do not have to change-you can.
Time to take care of yourself. Look to the future. Your mother is who she is, it will not change. That's ok.
Spring is in the air, time of change, renewal, hope and growth. I wish the same for you.

Change up her day a bit more.
You say you call her 2 times a day. No set time but when you feel like calling. (That's great because you have to be in the right frame of mind to deal with a call)
But why not call her just 1 time a day and let her call you the last time. This "gives" her something to do. You can mentally prepare for the call if you know it is going to be around 5 for example and you can cut the call short if you have to get dinner ready or walk the dog or "wash your hair"
Other than that, getting her to "do" that call you can't force her to do something. If she wants to do nothing and still complain about it you do not have to listen. If she complains your response should be .."well then change what you are doing" And if she continues cut the call short.
Senior Centers are open
Adult Day programs are open
Libraries are open
Just to name a few things that she could do if she had the desire.

We are who we are and we seldom change. So your Mom will likely be who she is. You enable this by continuing to call more than once a day, I think. You allow her to think that her manipulation is working, and in fact it is. I would tell Mom that it is quite clear to you that calling frequently is not the answer to her unhappiness, and I would tell her that unhappiness is "catching". It's the "covid-19 of emotions". Tell her you will speak with her when she is in a positive mood, but not when she is not. Training is possible. She likely won't change who she is, but she is less likely to spread it all over YOU if it causes you to come back less frequently for more.