How do I maintain a relationship with a caregiver who's father rules over him and only lets us see each other once a week?

Dear Waiting4alife,

I eloped when I was 19 to an 18 year old guy who's parents were very toxic and considered him to be a possession, not a son. We were "together" with a marriage license for about 5 years, when he started having a roving eye.

After the split, I was a single parent and a professional. I was in no hurry to find a husband. I wanted love, yes. But I wanted somebody who was equal to me in personal growth and ambition. Not somebody with controlling parents. A controlling parent means psychodrama and whoever marries into such a family will endure toxicity, psychodrama and bitterness. And secrets. Your BF is keeping you as a "secret"?

Find somebody who is worthy of your love. Yes. Worthy of your love and your contribution as a wife and companion. Marriage is meant to be for life, not a long term lease.

I am quasi-retired now. But when I worked full time, I worked in technology and in a male dominated field. I was on my own with a house mortgage at age 30. Why hasn't your BF bought his own home, even a condo? What is your BF's 401K? His peak earning years have passed him by......it doesn't sound like he values himself. Engineering? Technology in the 1980s, 1990s and 2000 to present can pay top dollar. BF could hire a nurse and have Medicare pay for in home care, while not damaging his tech career.

Break this off. Otherwise, the cycle of toxicity and secrets will lead to a divorce, I am sorry to say. Better guys are out there. As a woman, you are worthy of love and intimate companionship. You are not a piece waiting to be sold at the butcher's shop!

Ok, ok....we do things together. We enjoy going to flea markets and county fairs and festivals and camping in the summer. We go to builders shows and woodworking shows and comedy shows at the theatre. He doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. He hasn't dated in 6 years before he met me, so he is disease-free. Anything else? haha!

Oh, we text multiple times a day, every day. We talk rarely, as neither one of us like phone-talking unless it is something urgent or too long to text.

I guess I made it out to be worse that it actually was. This has made me realize that it's probably not as bad as i had perceived. Thanks for helping me realize that. : ) He really is a great guy. Just stuck in a situation.

Secrets???? Where did secrets come into the pic? I never said anythign about secrets. He doesn't keep me a secret. He loves showing me off to his family and friends. No toxicity there. I like his family and they seem to like me. And I love showing him off to mine! And they like him. They know that kindness and good character mean more to me than how much money one makes. He had his days in the sun. Drove expensive cars and motorcycles. Bought property and built a 2-story, 4-car garage on it.

BF has property that he had intended on building a house on until his mother got ill with cancer. Still plans on possibly building once he no longer has his dad to care for. That, or sell the land and buy a house.

He has a nice-size 401K, thank you. Works part time because he can't work full time and take care of his dad. Dad refuses outside help to be hired to come in.

If you believe all you ever want is to see this man one time a week or every other week, then do nothing, because that is all you can count on.

If you want more, and I can assure you there is more out there for you, then you need to take steps to find it. It is not easy to find love at our age, but you have to get out there. As mentioned by others there are gentlemen who are looking for day to day companionship. The BF you are describing does not want that. He told you that you do for him what he needs... the rest he gets from his Dad.

If you need more, you need to go get it. I am sure your BF will find a woman who will do what you are doing. You/we have one life to live and our years are getting shorter with the passing of time. Don't squander it, sitting around waiting for your BF to find a few hours a week to see you.

Go live your life. Don't feel guilty. Your BF is making choices and you need to make choices. As others have said here, don't count on him changing.

I was lucky. My parents wanted me to live. Until the end, when they became a bit frightened, they were proud of me when I went off and accomplished things and when I saw the world.

What you are describing of your BFs family is not my understanding of love. It may be OK for him and his father, but it sounds like it's not OK for you.

Go for it! Live you life! Find Your Love!

I am confused don't you have someone at home with alzheimers yourself that you are caring for according to your profile?

*chuckles* I'm at the age of life that if I found someone for once or twice a week, where we managed to enjoy some of the fun things in life, I'd be thrilled.

I'd say that if, in the balance, what you have has more positives than negatives .. work on the rest. I suspect your guy has a bit of growing up to do .. meh .. don't we all? And that his dad is more the issue than your guy is. I'd be talking to him about growing some steel ones, where it comes to dad .. not for YOUR sake, but for his. Support his efforts to find relief with dad (as his dementia increases, this may actually become easier). Don't make it an ultimatum, those never work.

And, don't think, for a minute, that you'll be his rescuer and change anything about his nature (you know: that big no-no we all tend to fall into, "I can fix this." Just. Don't. Do. IT.). But if you're happy about WHO he is in your life, see if you can resolve the issues that you DO have. Maybe you can join his efforts to care for dad.

Best wishes for a good outcome.

Lots of excellent advice and observations here.
Bottom line: Do you truly want to be married to a man who has allowed himself to be a doormat for 51 years and carries all the emotional baggage that most certainly goes with such a situation? My mom had several sayings about men. One was "Whatever faults a man has, they are three times worse after marriage."

As a nurse and therapist, I would advise you to cut your losses and find someone else. This man has some real personal enmeshment issues with his parents, and when one died, he just transferred his strings to his dad. He is using you plain and simple. Do not allow yourself to be treated like this, and find someone who will treat you with respect, you can go out, have a good time, laugh, enjoy each other and maybe it will lead to marriage, but it certainly cannot happen with this man who is tied to his father. Why should you wait until his father dies for you two to have a life? He is bad news. Get someone who appreciates and loves you. He does not.

Hi
Seems like you are good to go now. Just try to remember that while there are warning signs no one can predict the future. It really sounds like you have found someone that makes you happy a lot. Yes there are times that it gets to be too much but (in your own words) I won't look for anyone else if I break it off. So that being said, try not to stress it if you only see each other every so often. Hell y'all get out more than me and mine do so it could be a lot worse.
I'm not saying that is appropriate but after reading all your responses that about sums it up.
So pull up some chairs over dinner and try to 'casually' talk about it. Nothing concrete just let him know where you are in the relationship and don't expect an answer. When it gets to that too much point, go out with some friends or take your daughter out. Don't forget about you while wrapped up in this, but don't make a decision you might regret later, cause it sure doesn't sound like an immenent break down is around the corner :)
Try to just let him flow, and you do the same...

Be well

Ditto to the answers--start a new life!!!

Well now I'm really confused.

If he loves showing you off to his family and they seem to like you, why can you not spend more time with him than once a week/once a fortnight? Why can't you go and lend him a hand at home? Have you your own parent to look after as well, or something? Is there not room in the family home for you and your daughter to stay over at weekends, for example (assuming your daughter's happy with that, of course)?

Who is the person with AD/dementia: your parent or his father? If it's his father, and he has AD, and he's 95, then with the greatest respect to your BF's feelings it is not going to be ten years before he gets his freedom.

I don't attribute your BF's care for his parents, now just his father, to weakness or some other major character defect as others do; but that's probably because I happen to know an incredibly nice, well-adjusted man who spent his young and middle adult life caring for his sister and mother; they lived with him as his dependants, though he did keep up his career as well. He did it because he thought it was the right thing to do. He is now, at 80, twenty years into a well-earned life of Riley, having got his freedom at last, and all credit to him - but he'll never marry and never have children, which is a great shame; and his family has always assumed he was closeted and gay, which isn't a shame as such but is definitely not true. He'd have made somebody a wonderful husband if only she'd spotted him in time. Maybe your relationship is a parallel, I don't know.

As I say, I'm now thoroughly confused about what the situation is, exactly. But I'm glad you're feeling better about it, anyway! That's what matters. Best of luck.

I think you want a boyfriend with time for you. Understandable but this man is busy with his father's care and any part time employment he manages to juggle. When his father dies (probably in the next 3 yrs or so), he will have time for a personal relationship. He probably would make a devoted husband as he seems devoted to his parents but he will need an independent woman. After a whirlwind of caregiving he will be tapped out for a needy spouse. If you have time on your side, date him when he is available and be ready for a deeper commitment when he is freed up from his intensive caregiving role.

I haven't read all the answers on here. I'm glad to see you're getting a lot of responses. I just wanted to comment because I am in your BF situation so can relate to what's going on. In my case, it's my mother who is only 87 and may live another 10-15 years. It is true what I've read from some responses. He has been brainwashed since childhood that his main responsibility in life is to cater to his parents. And the guilt, especially with the "honor your parents" bashed in by church, is totally embedded. I've been reading books to try to copy with my narcissistic parent, but nothing has helped me break the trap. It is a deadly trap and nothing will get him to leave. I don't see any way out for myself. If I was lucky enough to have a beau to visit once a week, I would be so happy I would cry. Not having a job makes it permanent for sure. I had hopes of escaping my own situation if I had a job that could pay enough to hire someone if I finally broke the guilt. Please know, I applaud you for trying to stay with him, but I completely understand if you need to leave him. And he should understand too. As others say, it might force him to wake up and maybe leave, but he probably won't leave. The guilt is completely controlling, as is the fact he has no income. Others have said that your beau will be lost when his father dies. I don't believe that at all. Yes, I would be in trouble financially as I too lost my job, but I would finally be free. Your beau is awake to the fact he is trapped and so his brain will register that day of glory. He won't be lost. He'll finally find peace. I won't be lost at all when my mother dies. I might be broke and yes, it will be a huge weight off my shoulders, but I won't be lost at all.

WOW, I'm sorry but I don't think you have much of a chance for a good long term relationship with him. Sounds like he has not had one because of the parents and because of his inexperience with relationships I think he will end up putting you in the "parent role" when/if it's just the 2 of you. Cut your loss' now. Remain his friend but explain to him you understand his situation but it is just not working for you and when he needs someone to talk to you'll listen. But you need to move on and build your life for your future. I don't say this because he is caring for his father now, but because he has never lead his own life. Do you want to be his parent or his partner?

You sound like a very loving and patient person. He is lucky to have you. My concern is that he has/had a very unhealthy relationship with his parents but won't change it. And he's expecting you to patiently wait. But for what?
An emotionally healthy adult would not tolerate this existence unless it's working for him. There is serious co-dependency here. If you do marry (whenever dad passes) will he treat you as a partner or as a mother? Does he have other friends and interests besides you? How will he support himself after dad passes? Will he be an equal partner financially and emotionally ?
This is his personality and he has "failed to launch" as the saying goes.

Run and to a therapist. I'd like to see you find out why you stay so long in unsatisfying relationships. Look back (hindsight is 20/20) at this relationship and your marriage and see now if, you can identify the red flags you should have seen or did see but, chose to ignore. Ask yourself why you didn't see them or chose to ignore them. Consider, developing a good screening process for future relationships.

Lizann, I agree. There is something to say about a child who gives up almost everything to take care of his parents. He did so almost out of high school as his parents had him very late in life. They thought they could n't have children then he surprised them in their mid 40's. He is their mircle chld that was not supposed to happen. I believe that is the reason for their possessiveness of him. i believe his mother must've been very insecure to keep him from starting a life and family of his own. His dad didn't get that way until his mother fied. The thought has crossed my mind that by marrying him i may become his replacement for his mother. i have made it very clear to him that I am very independent and don't plan on spending my life taking care of another adult. I work full time and am a very independent person.

Crepelia, I believe the guilt is overwhelming for him. To go against his dad's wishes just about kills him. You can see the almostshame on his face and hear it in his voice. His parents must have pounded it into his brain that he must obey their wishes or be known as the terrible son. He says his dad bad-mouths him to family, friends, neighbors whenever he leaves to go see me. But, they understand the situation and know he needs to have a life other than taking care of his dad.. He has income. He works part time. I also believe he will feel finally free when his dad dies.

Lulabear, I have taken all of those things into consideration. He has few friends but he has hobbies. He will be able to work full time once his dad is gone. I'm also sure he will inherit all of his parents' assets.

flpagrif, the reason I am fighting for his relationship is because i have done just that--looked back and know what traits I do and don't want in a man. And my BF is everything my ex was not! And that is a great thing, because my ex was a complete asshole. Married him too quickly (after 6 months) and for the wrong reasons. I do learn from my mistakes. I'm not just taking the first thing that comes along. I'm fighting because he's every thing I want. And I don't believe in desserting someone when the going gets tough. Marriages fail because people are selfish and don't want t make the effort to work out the problems. They'd rather just drop everything and leave and go find the next partner that things will evenually fall apart with because they still haven't learned to deal with problems. It's an instant gratification world, with a leave if things don't go your way attitude. i think it stinks. You have to look beyond the physical things like money and looks. See what is inside. Don't cop out when things get a little bit difficult. I hate this 'me, me, me' world! People don't care about people anymore, only themselves. Not me. I won't do that to anyone. It's cruel and shallow and selfish. I'm not a gold digger, and i don't need someone prestigious or well-known. Just someone who respects me and is kind and considerate. As he is.

waiting4alife, your reply to me suggest that, I hit a nerve because, as Shakespeare put it, "Thou doth protest too loudly". Make sure that, you're not overcompensating for the way you might feel you were treated in your marriage. In other words, just be sure that, you value/consider yourself as much as you value/consider others. Be assertive. Your BF is not. I'd examine his emotional intelligence, carefully. He's missed some emotional developmental stages. He hasn't developed separation-individuation and emotional autonomy - crucial for a healthy adult relationship. I certainly wouldn't do too much waiting especially when, you don't know what it is that you're waiting for because, seeing each other so little, you don't really have a relationship, now. At this point, you're waiting for a "pig-in-poke". Consider using Google Scholar to research scholarly journals on emotional intelligence, autonomy, failure to launch, etc. as they relate to adult relationships. All the best.

"I also believe he will feel finally free when his dad dies."

Wrong. This guy won't be 'free' in so many ways for a long, long time... You have no idea of the scope of what you're dealing with this guys mentality. Sure, he may be physically free, but mentally? He's got a long, long way to go until he reaches that point. If he ever does.


"People don't care about people anymore, only themselves."

Really. I guess that's why you're on a site filled with countless people that are sacrificing and taking care of.... other people.

Your situation with this man isn't 'a bit difficult'. You're dealing with a man who's dealt with a lifetime of abnormal oppression. That's done a hell of a number on his mind. Things with this guy are going to be 'a bit difficult' in more ways than you now realize for many years to come. Bet on it.

Good luck though! I hope it all works out. I believe in standing by someone, too. But you're already antsy for change. And I'm here to tell you, change with this man will be a long, long time coming... He's not carrying baggage, he's carrying a mountain on his back. He won't be shed of it overnight. More fool you if you think it'll ever be that easy.

He's much more emotionally mature than any of the other men I have had relationships with. We will be ok. Fornow, he brings me happiness and joy. Even if it is only weekly. Sometimes it's more ethan that, sometimes less. If it gets to a point that I need to leave, I'll leave. Simple as that. I think he's worth the effort. Like I said before, there's more to the equation, here.

I am curious? If you never intented to change your situation, why did you post the question looking for advice on what to do?

Just chewing it over, Debralee, I expect - no harm in that x

It's ok if you hit a nerve. It simply means that I feel strongly about something because of things that have happened to me in my life. I don't give up on people easily. I don't use people for what they can give me and then toss them out when the candy dish goes empty. I could be wrong about this. If I am, then so be it. At least I can say I tried. Worst case scenario, I go back to being single, which I don't really have a problem with. In the mean time, we will enjoy each other.

Ok, here's a new question.... Would it be wise to let him read this discussion to help him understand how I feel and what needs to be done to meet my needs?

Blimey. Pass!

To answer your questioin, debralee. I have never posted a question on a forum before. I know in my mind that I was simply having an extremely bad day when I posted this and I needed to vent, and nobody was available. So I basically vented on here. Yes, there are days when I really want to get married and get on with life. And other days that I enjoy having the freedom of being single.

Waiting, I didn't mean to sound like I was coming down on you like a ton of bricks... sorry if it sounded that way!

If you think this man is worth it, then he's worth it. And that's that. You know there are issues, but at least you're in this with your eyes wide open. No relationship is free of problems. If you're happy with what you have most of the time then that's all that matters isn't it?

Best of everything!

waiting4alife, it is what matters. There may not be any long-term relationship, but if you are enjoying how it is, it is what is important now. Your story made me think of the instances where people are very much in love when they have a long-distance relationship, but that it falls apart when they get close. Show-timing is not so easy when you're together a lot. It may happen with you, but if you love the guy, you know best.

Standing, that is what I was trying to say, but you said it for me. I know the issues, here, and i want to make a go of it, anyway. Life is a risk we all take. Everyone has issues, it's just different issues with different people. My BF has issues that most guys don't. But he also doesn't have a lot of the issues that most guys do. It all balances out. Six of one, half dozen of the other. I am happy most of the time. Just every once in a blue moon, I have a rotten day. Who doesn't? LOL! Thanks for your input. : )

waiting - I very much understand your inner conflict of wanting to get married - waiting for things to get better and also enjoying your single life. I have been there too.

As far as showing him this discussion I wouldn't. Guys don't share that easily. I think he would be highly embarrassed to see his and your business discussed in a public forum and it would not do you or your relationship with him any good. What I think you can do is take some ideas from what you find useful here and discuss them with him. After all, you will not have a forum to discuss all your couple issues with all the time. If you are to have a successful long term relationship with him, you need to be able to talk about what is bothering you, what your goals are, to set goals for the two of you with him - to share your feelings with him. Most men do not do this naturally. It is something that women bring to a relationship. I may get tackled for being sexist here but after all, men and women are different - equal but different.

I find that writing things out clarifies them for me, then I try to bring my thoughts/issues down to the basics and share with my guy. Guys do better with fewer words. He is getting them e.g. I need contact when he is away. He got that one. I need more time with him. He is getting that one. I need more balance in the relationship - which in our case at present means he needs to do more around the house. He is getting that one too. It takes work on your part and his. I believe that most guys respond better to a calm logical approach, but there are times when feelings have to be shown in these discussions, but perhaps better that they do not dominate the discussion.

Guys do well of you can bring in concrete examples - word pictures, There is lots of info on the internet about communicating with a loved one. One of my favourites with my guy is telling him I was feeling like one of the saddle bags he puts on his horses when he goes trail riding. It is there for his convenience, bringing things that he needs and likes, but at other times it sits on a shelf. The saddlebag has no say in what is happening. He got my point. I have more say now.

Re the throwing people away - dear one, the point is not about throwing him away, it is about throwing you away on something that is not bringing you what you want and need.

From what you have described he has some good qualities and some drawbacks. Don't we all. If the good stuff outweighs the bad stuff for you it can work. Getting your needs met, whether he is caregiving dad, or not is something you have to work on. If you find certain questions nagging you regularly, as the one you originally posted, it is a sign from yourself to you that you need to do something about it. Don't ignore yourself. I am in the process of working something out with my guy that is not working out as I thought it would. My need is there, but the reasons for it were not what I thought, so the solution is different from what I thought. But he is patient and cooperating with me as I go through my thing and figure it out. I appreciate that and try to do the same for him.

If you want to know if the two of you are headed for marriage, in my view you need to talk about it with him, or anything else that is on your mind - like the amount of control his dad exerts over him. "I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain." Don't complain - present your feelings and needs to him. He cannot read your mind. As with my guy - I have to stay off the topic of the horses and the amount of time etc. that he spends on them, and focus on me feeling left out, or too low on his priorities, or needing/wanting more time with him, Then it is up to him how he deals with that and his solution may not be one I have thought of. Not everything will go your way, but it is important that you can express your needs and see that he will move to meet them.
Good luck.