We have been seeing each other a little over 2 years and nothing has changed since day on. In fact, it may have gotten worse. In the beginning we saw each other twice a week. Now, only once, or even every other week. I want to see him more often, but I know the stress he is under, and I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain. We live 30 minutes from each other so it is not easy to just come by on a daily basis for a short visit.
His dad is very demanding and wants him there 24/7. At first, it was just a selfish thing, now it has turned into that his dad is getting dementia and almost can't be left alone for long periods of time. I try to be understanding, but it's hard sometimes. Here's the clincher--he has never left home because his parents have always been very posessive of him. His mother didn't want him to date, or marry, or leave their house. He did everything for his mother. Took her grocery shopping, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, etc. She died about 11 years ago and he continued to live there to take care of his dad, who is 95.
My BF did go to college and did work as an engineer for several years until they closed down the company he worked for. Since then he has worked part time jobs while taking care of his dad.
His dad refuses to have outside help come in so that my BF can get a break and we can have more time together. He also refuses to go to senior day care centers or assisted living facility. He constantly cuts my BF down. I think he does this to lower his confidence so that he will believe that he needs his dad to survive and he won't leave.
My BF tells me he would've gone off the deep end if it wasn't for me. But, I feel like I'm nothing more than his once a week stress-releaser, and nothing more. I know nothing will change until his dad passes. I wasted the best years of my life in a very bad marriage. I'm 46 and not getting any younger. My BF is 51 and he still hasn't had a life of his own. His dad could live another 10 years.
Am I wrong for not wanting to wait until I'm almost 60 to start my life together with him? I know if I broke it off with him it would send him over the edge, and for that i would feel terribly guilty. I love him very much and i just want to be with him. The way things are now, I feel like we have an on-again-off-again relationship because we see each other so seldom.
I know this sounds more like an advice for the love-lorn letter, but I am desperate, here. Any advice would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks, in advance.
but you have to be realistic in regard to his Situation. It seems that you have the gut feeling of limitations he is probably going to have...trust that instinct. and ask yourself what would you say to your daughter if she were in this situation? Would you want her to settle for a part time relationship & stay on the back burner for an unknown #yrs until his dad passes? Then there is the question- what will HE be like when that time does come? Would you advise her to stay in a heartwrenching situation waiting for a guy who she may not even ever have a Daily/Close /Conventional relationship with? Well, believe it or not... What you model is what she will learn .. That is why I let a man I dearly loved go 2 yrs ago when i was in this situation. I wanted my daughter to know that I wouldnt settle, and that she shouldnt either. She saw what I went through for 4 yrs. I NEVER want her to ever put herself through that kind of emotional rollercoaster & heartache. In a Healthy relationship there is respect, & boundries. Two people have to make time for each other. Show each other they are a top priority in life. I know you want advice to get your guy to 'wake up' and see what you feel... But unless HE DECIDES TO GET HELP TO MAKE CHANGES, you are fighting a loosing battle. Im sure you know this in your gut & mind..
Its not the words your Heart wants to hear.
I've said those (almost) exact words on this website in another forum! And I believe the expert needs a healthy dose of reality. This is the second time I read a response like that from the same person. Simply distasteful without one question into the background of your relationship. What if you actually listened to that advice.... Ugh.
You're welcome BTW.
All it takes is to be the lone wolf being chased down by hunters and then the light clicks on and you realize.... Why the h*** did I come here in the first place? Not all are like that here ie countrymouse whom I feel actually gives careful thought before replying. Nevertheless, I'm glad that their incessant ridicule gave you the caution you needed to self reflect on the relationship y'all have.
Yes it is a lot of doom and gloom here. I don't have a ton of time like many others here due to taking care of a loved one. I am baffled at best as to all the time one could have to post so much when caring for a loved one. Maybe, just maybe it's not as bad as everyone actually thinks it is but I digress...
Anyway, waiting again it sounds like all is good to go for you, and you (like me sometimes) JUST HAVE TO VENT IT OUT!!!! Nothing wrong with that.
Be well ;)
I didn't intend to lump you into anything. I did say "not all are like that on here". I'm sure (waiting) would know that what you wrote wasn't like most of the others. :)
Be Well
However, i do have other family member who wont to live w our family. Fortunately, i came to see the light! This person was very mean, nasty and controlled w money. Other family member gave her life. You see she let this sick person take over. It cost her husband to leave after 14 years. She suffered from serious depression and many health problems. My SIL died w 2 girls under the age 11, broken hearted with nothing. I forgot to mention she was only 49 years old and a good person.
You must live your own life for you. Life is way to short. Nerver sell yourself short. Guilt is always a wasted emotion. Good luck
I had responded to this question few days back.
Hmmm.. Just want to say..I wish I hadn't participated. (I thought by sharing it would be appreciated, possibly even helpful, but instead it ajust seems arguing. ) Now I feel like just Deleating this site.. Maybe Internet Groups aren't all that helpful. (IDK? Maybe just not for me)
Waiting* If anything I wrote Offended You, I would like to apoligize. If 'you just need a forumn to vent to' Please make that known Upfront. And people can just respond accordingly.(ie: Hope it works out. Its all up to you, etc) Otherwise, when you ask questions- people will respond with an answer / advice of some sort. You asked very specific questions, it sounded like you wanted ideas, opinions, answers. I do hope you happily solve the conflict within your heart, mind & life.
PS- Im my mother's caretaker, it was akeBoth Parents, but Dad passed in Oct. I also work full time. (Just FYI-reference sake) Best Wishes.
I think what you tend to get when you post a question is people's gut reaction. And sometimes there is a lot of natural truth in that first, automatic response, or at least something to ponder. But I wouldn't ever suggest anybody act on advice from outsiders completely blind - after all, they aren't there and can't possibly know everything. It's just food for thought. I for one have found it incredibly helpful (even when I don't like the answers).
Thanks, Pockets256! I think you are one of the few sane ones of the bunch! ; )
I stopped looking at responses for a while because they were just depressing me. I guess you should be careful what you ask for. And, yes, I think the so-called expert needs to get her head out of her....well, you know.....
Just for the record, I do NOT wish I had dumped my sweetie. We were married for 39 years, 10 of which he had dementia.
Sweeping generalizations aren't very useful. Not when posters make them to you, and not when you make them about us.
I think we are all on the same side here, however much our perspectives might differ.
KP, from what everyone else tells me, there are lots of men your age looking for partners, if that's what you want. Don't give up. Wish you well...
Yeah, boy, that's just what I'd want. Dating someone who's never available, always exhausted, always has other responsibilities that trump me every single time, which results in my coming onto sites like this one to b**** about how unhappy and unfulfilled I am with it all. Wheeee! Such fun! No thanks.
I have read so mush that makes me sad, it sound like this man this good man is making the ultimate sacrifice, he is putting his life on hold for as long as God wills to look out for his sick dad who's mind is not right. Just because his living with his dad, his under his control, an has not grown up, he sound like a smart man to me, an engineer if I'm not mistaken, an that takes brains.
I to now live with mum an I know she is controlling but I let her because I love her. I ran my own company for 15 years, with workers that I looked out for under me. my home is all payed for, an I was living a full life until my folks needed me. I have closed up my home an shut down my company to take care them. I have had many opportunities to get into relationships but I don't because that's not fare on them!!!! there is nothing wrong with me an I don't know him but maybe just maybe there's nothing wrong with him either. We just love them enough to look out for them to the end. I held my dads hand as he took his last breath, and by God I'll do the same with mum only God knows how long that will be, my job is to keep fighting till then. fighting burnout fighting feelings of depression fighting loneliness fighting resentment fighting frustration fighting anger fighting fatigue. I would never bring a lady into that, but you 4life are in love with a person who knows what love cost, an is ready to pay the price, that is a true man, not a baby, a baby would have run make no mistake about that. The true carers on this site know what I'm talking about. We stand an fight with God's help because that's all we know!!!!
Ask yourself 4life if your daughter was sick an needed your help24\7 , who would be on the back burner then. LOVE always comes with a cost, we need only decide if we are willing to pay the price.
God love you and help you on your way.
you can't go wrong.........
The only thing is when the new fight starts for me I'm not alone, I never have been. I grew strong in what I believe before it was needed, I didn't wait for the last minute to use it I had built it up (Faith) long before the big battle began. I to will sleep for a couple of weeks, but then I'll start my new chapter, I'm not looking forward to it, as I said day at a time. But ones the pain subsides, with God's help I can do all things, an I will. But for now I'm giving this battle 110%. So don't worry, tomorrow is not today. You don't know what's about to happen next, so why worry, you'll be amazed the doors that will open when you start down that next road that life puts you on, I know I'm not!
God bless you and keep you strong.
God bless an keep you strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I said. His dad is 95. He has lived his life. He had a wife and family. They did things together. Took vacations together, etc, etc. He is just basically waiting to die. Why does he not think his son deserves the same things he had in life? Why can't he let go of him? It is so unfair! I understand some of it is fear. Maybe all of it is fear. But he knows his son would still be there for him when he could. He has been told that. Sometimes trying to reason with a person with dementia is like talking to a brick wall!
I almost wish my BF didn't have such a good heart. He takes everything his dad says personally, even though I have told him that it is the dementia speaking, not his dad.
Ok, just venting again. Probably not the best place to do it. Yes, I know BF needs to stand up to dad. Yes, I know his dad will always be first....I know....I know.