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True, CountryMouse. But believe me.....I got this. I know everybody here thinks I don't....but, I do. I do thank everyone for opening my eyes a little wider, but they weren't closed to begin with.
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Hi, yes you are in a very tough spot.. You 'Love' your boyfriend, but he's not emotionally or physically (timewise) available to commit to a relationship with you. It is sad,
but you have to be realistic in regard to his Situation. It seems that you have the gut feeling of limitations he is probably going to have...trust that instinct. and ask yourself what would you say to your daughter if she were in this situation? Would you want her to settle for a part time relationship & stay on the back burner for an unknown #yrs until his dad passes? Then there is the question- what will HE be like when that time does come? Would you advise her to stay in a heartwrenching situation waiting for a guy who she may not even ever have a Daily/Close /Conventional relationship with? Well, believe it or not... What you model is what she will learn .. That is why I let a man I dearly loved go 2 yrs ago when i was in this situation. I wanted my daughter to know that I wouldnt settle, and that she shouldnt either. She saw what I went through for 4 yrs. I NEVER want her to ever put herself through that kind of emotional rollercoaster & heartache. In a Healthy relationship there is respect, & boundries. Two people have to make time for each other. Show each other they are a top priority in life. I know you want advice to get your guy to 'wake up' and see what you feel... But unless HE DECIDES TO GET HELP TO MAKE CHANGES, you are fighting a loosing battle. Im sure you know this in your gut & mind..
Its not the words your Heart wants to hear.
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Bottom line: "Nobody here is going to be happy unless I dump him, because you all wish you had dumped yours before you wasted too much time with them".

I've said those (almost) exact words on this website in another forum! And I believe the expert needs a healthy dose of reality. This is the second time I read a response like that from the same person. Simply distasteful without one question into the background of your relationship. What if you actually listened to that advice.... Ugh.

You're welcome BTW.

All it takes is to be the lone wolf being chased down by hunters and then the light clicks on and you realize.... Why the h*** did I come here in the first place? Not all are like that here ie countrymouse whom I feel actually gives careful thought before replying. Nevertheless, I'm glad that their incessant ridicule gave you the caution you needed to self reflect on the relationship y'all have.
Yes it is a lot of doom and gloom here. I don't have a ton of time like many others here due to taking care of a loved one. I am baffled at best as to all the time one could have to post so much when caring for a loved one. Maybe, just maybe it's not as bad as everyone actually thinks it is but I digress...

Anyway, waiting again it sounds like all is good to go for you, and you (like me sometimes) JUST HAVE TO VENT IT OUT!!!! Nothing wrong with that.

Be well ;)
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Gawds, I hate being lumped in with 'everyone'. ::sighs::
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ladeeC,
I didn't intend to lump you into anything. I did say "not all are like that on here". I'm sure (waiting) would know that what you wrote wasn't like most of the others. :)

Be Well
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I have read your story and i do really feel for you. I can only tell you my story. I do care for my Grandmother who is 93 years young and yes she is sweetheart. My Grandma, is capable of taking care of herself and helping out w my 7 yr old. I am blessed it works for my family.

However, i do have other family member who wont to live w our family. Fortunately, i came to see the light! This person was very mean, nasty and controlled w money. Other family member gave her life. You see she let this sick person take over. It cost her husband to leave after 14 years. She suffered from serious depression and many health problems. My SIL died w 2 girls under the age 11, broken hearted with nothing. I forgot to mention she was only 49 years old and a good person.

You must live your own life for you. Life is way to short. Nerver sell yourself short. Guilt is always a wasted emotion. Good luck
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My comment was actually addressed to the quote, "Nobody here is going to be happy unless I dump him.... " not to you, in particular.
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I just happened to get an EMail and read the posts that have come up ... Wow.. I was really surprised at what was being thrown around here.
I had responded to this question few days back.
Hmmm.. Just want to say..I wish I hadn't participated. (I thought by sharing it would be appreciated, possibly even helpful, but instead it ajust seems arguing. ) Now I feel like just Deleating this site.. Maybe Internet Groups aren't all that helpful. (IDK? Maybe just not for me)
Waiting* If anything I wrote Offended You, I would like to apoligize. If 'you just need a forumn to vent to' Please make that known Upfront. And people can just respond accordingly.(ie: Hope it works out. Its all up to you, etc) Otherwise, when you ask questions- people will respond with an answer / advice of some sort. You asked very specific questions, it sounded like you wanted ideas, opinions, answers. I do hope you happily solve the conflict within your heart, mind & life.
PS- Im my mother's caretaker, it was akeBoth Parents, but Dad passed in Oct. I also work full time. (Just FYI-reference sake) Best Wishes.
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Aww, I think it would be a pity if people felt driven away when discussions and debates got lively. I agree, sometimes we get responses that make us jump a bit - "goodness! Really???" - but after all we don't have to take the advice we get offered. And sometimes we tread on each other's corns without meaning to, because you never know which issues are particularly sore for which people.

I think what you tend to get when you post a question is people's gut reaction. And sometimes there is a lot of natural truth in that first, automatic response, or at least something to ponder. But I wouldn't ever suggest anybody act on advice from outsiders completely blind - after all, they aren't there and can't possibly know everything. It's just food for thought. I for one have found it incredibly helpful (even when I don't like the answers).
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I think sometimes people come here looking for the answer they want, not the answer they need. And like many people here, my life is on hold or semi-hold because I don't have the time to devote to a relationship or even to other hobbies that I love. Sometimes the answer is stark and not very nice. Life is for adults who can deal with the truth head on. It is what it is and when I see people here whining because they think everybody is "picking on me" I just don't have the patience because so many others are rolling up their sleeves and living with their own cuts and pain that taking care of older parents demands, and that so many have chosen to take on the responsibility.
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Basically, it was just a "vent." I was at the end of my rope, that day, and I had PMS, which makes me tons more emotional. The next day after getting a good night's rest, I felt fine.......until I started reading the responses on here. Then I got very depressed. I got picked apart as did my boyfriend by people who don't even know me or the whole story or how I feel inside. One can't put everyone in the same situation into one group and say that this is how they will act. Everybody is different and should not be automatically guilty by association.

Thanks, Pockets256! I think you are one of the few sane ones of the bunch! ; )

I stopped looking at responses for a while because they were just depressing me. I guess you should be careful what you ask for. And, yes, I think the so-called expert needs to get her head out of her....well, you know.....
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*Waiting4life, I'm curious... Who are you referring to as, "a So Called Expert?" Please be direct/ upfront when you are stating/suggesting for someone to get their head...'out of you know where.'
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"Nobody here is going to be happy unless I dump him, because you all wish you had dumped yours before you wasted too much time with them".

Just for the record, I do NOT wish I had dumped my sweetie. We were married for 39 years, 10 of which he had dementia.

Sweeping generalizations aren't very useful. Not when posters make them to you, and not when you make them about us.

I think we are all on the same side here, however much our perspectives might differ.
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I have asked before on here how you met your SO that is a caregiver. I was just curious as in my world as caregiver I am so taken up with the caregiving that I cannot imagine being out in public with my dad & being approachable. As for getting out w/o him well that is unlikely as I have not been able to maintain social relationships outside of caregiving. I would always be at anything solo if not in company with dad. I actually prefer going to concerts & such with him along so that I have company. I really would like to know how you met, where you met & so on. It would give hope that there is a life for me to live past this one. Please answer if you can. I also really do wonder if anyone not caregiving has any comprehension of how physically tiring, mentally & emotionally tiring this caregiving really is. I spent an entire day at the hospital yesterday. 10-3, he is in a wheelchair & weighs more than I, needs my boost to transfer & it was a huge hosp. I slept twice last night. One nap from 4-9 then again for 8 hours overnight & my legs & back are sore like from mountain climbing. As well as the trauma of having him fall & bang his face up on Thursday & being treated & detained as criminals where he fell. This job that is unpaid is very very hard on the body & mind. If a man came up to me & tried to dialogue, he would wish he hadn't so I am just curious how you 2 met & carried it on this long. It would give all of this the idea that we don't need to die along with this patient we love so much since we will have no reason to live otherwise.
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After mother died on July 27, 2013 from years of my caregiving & now all I am is a caregiver to this one I really cannot see past this life at all. I had 10 years between my separation & caregiving to socialize & mingle and it was less rewarding or fulfilling than what I am doing now with dad. I often wonder if any other caregivers out there have trouble imagining a life or lifestyle or earning potential past this life. I was unemployable during the 10 years alone due to having been a stay at home mom. I would now be unemployable as a 60 plus year old. My life was pretty empty except for some free concerts & any musical events & I wonder what awaits me when he passes except for a life of aloneness & non pay. Do any others ever think about this. I think this is partially why we don't disengage at all because there is nothing else after awhile for us like when we were stay at home moms & housewives.
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Really & truly Waiting for LIfe, where did you meet. Many of us caregivers would give our eyeteeth to meet a caring caregiver since that is really all we are equally yoked for.
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KathleenPiano, I believe I posted once already how we met but I don't mind posting it again. When we met almost 3 years ago his dad, even though 93 years old, was still quite 'with it' and did not really need constant care, although he still got upset when my BF left to come see me. Primarily because he didn't like to eat alone. But...there is a group of senior citizens that get together every Saturday night at a different restaurant every Saturday, to eat dinner together. He could go meet them so he didn't have to eat alone, but he didn't want to unless my BF was with him. Anyway, during tis time my BF was working for a contractor. He would go do estimates on repair jobs or building jobs. I had just bought my house and in order to obtain insurance on it, the roof needed to be re-shingled. He came out to look at my roof and give me an estimate on the cost. This contractor is my good friends' BF. It was kind of a 'set-up' so we could check each other out. We clicked and have been seeing each other ever since. We started out seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week. We live 30 miles from each other, so it takes a little effort. Then as his dad has deteriorated, it has become less. But that doesn't mean I love him less. People don't just fall out of love because of obstacles. I know it won't be like this forever. We have talked about it and we are good.
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FD, I'm refering to the expert that wrote----ditto on other answers, start a new life.

KP, from what everyone else tells me, there are lots of men your age looking for partners, if that's what you want. Don't give up. Wish you well...
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They should make a caregiver's dating/meeting site..... : )
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"They should make a caregiver's dating/meeting site..... : )"

Yeah, boy, that's just what I'd want. Dating someone who's never available, always exhausted, always has other responsibilities that trump me every single time, which results in my coming onto sites like this one to b**** about how unhappy and unfulfilled I am with it all. Wheeee! Such fun! No thanks.
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I knew that would cause an uproar, especially from you, SA. Just seeing if anyone is paying attention. Comment revoked! LOL!
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I have just found this conversation an I hope you don't mind if I put in a comment.I am a single male that is looking after mum 24/7, was looking after both folks but dad has gone on ahead, an left us together. I have a sibling to fare away to be of any help, so only me, saw dad go through h*** an back more times than I can remember. But my love for him kept me strong, holding his hand all the way. now it's mum that I hold, and my love for her will keep me strong.
I have read so mush that makes me sad, it sound like this man this good man is making the ultimate sacrifice, he is putting his life on hold for as long as God wills to look out for his sick dad who's mind is not right. Just because his living with his dad, his under his control, an has not grown up, he sound like a smart man to me, an engineer if I'm not mistaken, an that takes brains.
I to now live with mum an I know she is controlling but I let her because I love her. I ran my own company for 15 years, with workers that I looked out for under me. my home is all payed for, an I was living a full life until my folks needed me. I have closed up my home an shut down my company to take care them. I have had many opportunities to get into relationships but I don't because that's not fare on them!!!! there is nothing wrong with me an I don't know him but maybe just maybe there's nothing wrong with him either. We just love them enough to look out for them to the end. I held my dads hand as he took his last breath, and by God I'll do the same with mum only God knows how long that will be, my job is to keep fighting till then. fighting burnout fighting feelings of depression fighting loneliness fighting resentment fighting frustration fighting anger fighting fatigue. I would never bring a lady into that, but you 4life are in love with a person who knows what love cost, an is ready to pay the price, that is a true man, not a baby, a baby would have run make no mistake about that. The true carers on this site know what I'm talking about. We stand an fight with God's help because that's all we know!!!!
Ask yourself 4life if your daughter was sick an needed your help24\7 , who would be on the back burner then. LOVE always comes with a cost, we need only decide if we are willing to pay the price.
God love you and help you on your way.
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Amen, GrowingTrees!
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God bless you, and stay strong, let your heart be your guide.
you can't go wrong.........
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I really think that is all I at least would be capable of maintaining is a relationship with a caregiver. But again it also shows that he cares. I major plus for a relationship. It would kind of be like a grief support group or any other type of support group. I don't know how well it would work online since it is worldwide. I know I am not looking that hard but I was just curious how anyone would be wanting that. I find that when all my focus is on caregiving it is hard to imagine the energy to wish for romance. The funny thing is it feels wrong like I shouldn't want that. But again like I have said, what next. What comes after his passing? I wonder sometimes. I think I will probably sleep for years. When I wake up I will probably need a nursing home.
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kathleenplano hi when dad went on ahead, mum an I found peace in our believe, each day leaning on it, an it helps us stand through that storm, it's been hard but we take it day by day. As carers I believe that we can 't look beyond the day that we're in, fight at a time, other wise life gets a little overwhelming the future holds a lot of pain, so better to take it moment by moment. We have a job we have chosen to take on, not an easy one by no stretch of the imagination let me tell you but never the less, it needs doing. The price we pay is time, so romance needs time, which is one thing we don't have in spades, an energy that to is needed, an I for one don't have both. I believe that there is no end , dad went on ahead. It didn't end for him it was a new beginning. Mum an I continue in the fight, when mum go's on ahead to reach dad, then I'll be left to continue the fight, the only difference is it will be a new one for me, a new beginning, so you see the fight never ends, but this time, is like training to strengthen us. Any carer out there on the web knows this is one of the hardest fights one can be in, if we get through it power to you.
The only thing is when the new fight starts for me I'm not alone, I never have been. I grew strong in what I believe before it was needed, I didn't wait for the last minute to use it I had built it up (Faith) long before the big battle began. I to will sleep for a couple of weeks, but then I'll start my new chapter, I'm not looking forward to it, as I said day at a time. But ones the pain subsides, with God's help I can do all things, an I will. But for now I'm giving this battle 110%. So don't worry, tomorrow is not today. You don't know what's about to happen next, so why worry, you'll be amazed the doors that will open when you start down that next road that life puts you on, I know I'm not!
God bless you and keep you strong.
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No matter how you slice it, this is a difficult life. It's no different than having a small child or even raising children. Life isn't fair, I've lost a good portion of mine. The alternative would be to dump my mom in a nursing home and so far the ones I've had experience with would've killed her a long time ago through neglect. So yes, it many ways it's my choice to give her a dignified end. But it's at the cost of my own life. There are no guarantees in life that we will have what we want. If someone came along that I could date who was also a caregiver, the extent would probably be to meet for coffee in each other's houses so we could stay awake to talk!
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Hi Bonfire good choice, my hat of to you. That takes guts, believe me I know. to let every thing go pass along with all your non-carer friends with it is hard. The cost is great, an the price is more than some are willing to pay, put the reward is indescribable and God bless you for making it. be proud because that makes you a great person in the eyes of those who know, just how great that price is an have made the same choice.
God bless an keep you strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ok.....call me heartless....but this is how I feel about it......and I will probably regret saying it, but, here goes. My BF's dad has lived his life. It's over for him. He's basically waiting to die, and my BF had stated to me at least twice that he wishes he would! How and why doesn't he want his son to go out and live his? My BF was born so late in his parents' life that by the time he graduated from high school his parents were already elderly and in need of care. He went to college and got a great-paying job, but his mother didn't want him to leave the nest. She made him feel very guilty. How could she not want him to have a life of his own? She was not thinking about what would become of him after they were gone, only of herself. Now, his dad is the same way. Only thinks of himself. I know some of it is due to dementia, but he was this way, before. I cannot even fathom being so selfish that it basically ruins someone else's life, especially my offspring's!

As I said. His dad is 95. He has lived his life. He had a wife and family. They did things together. Took vacations together, etc, etc. He is just basically waiting to die. Why does he not think his son deserves the same things he had in life? Why can't he let go of him? It is so unfair! I understand some of it is fear. Maybe all of it is fear. But he knows his son would still be there for him when he could. He has been told that. Sometimes trying to reason with a person with dementia is like talking to a brick wall!

I almost wish my BF didn't have such a good heart. He takes everything his dad says personally, even though I have told him that it is the dementia speaking, not his dad.

Ok, just venting again. Probably not the best place to do it. Yes, I know BF needs to stand up to dad. Yes, I know his dad will always be first....I know....I know.
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waiting4alife cool name because that explains my life. You are on one side of the fence an I on the other. Before my caring became hard core I too had lady friends come in to my life an at the beginning it was like what a great guy, looking out for your folks, but not to long would pass an things would change, heart less, no, normal. I realized early that, that was the norm, an I had to make a choice! in my heart I made the right one, I can't talk for any one else but it is what it is. A carer is a thankless job, an the loneliest one can do, but we do it because it's right, our love one's are helpless an no one could do it with true love like us, even if sometimes it harder than others. I am sorry you have been in love with him for so long 3 years I believe, you have pass the point of no return. With my lady friends I would stop it before anyone got to hurt. Things for me would not change for a long time, an I didn't want to course to much pain for them or me. I'm sure if your BF had known he to would have watch out for your feeling an maybe broke it of before to much pain, but it sound like it's a bit late. Your not heartless but just a normal lady, you want your man to be just that, your man. And at the moment that's not the case. I Pray that what ever decision you eventually make will be the right one, for you, an for him. Waiting4alife is like waiting at a bus stop, two sides of the same fence, the only difference is those waiting at the bus stop can't go anywhere until the bus get there. And those waiting for a life can walk away an make a new one. God bless you, an may He help you make that choice. And may He bless your BF because I can only imagine it must be hard for him as well to see you so unhappy
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