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No probate court would consider a change of beneficiary with a deceased person diagnosed with dementia or alzheimer's.

If you and your BF got engaged (truly engaged), what is the worst that could happen? No reputable attorney would advise a cranky old man with health problems including dementia to change his will.
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Wasn't planning on co-habitating, eldest. I would not set that example for my daughter. Nope. Marriage is the only way we will live under the same roof.
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Wow, Moxie1! It's all there in black and white! Thanks for the info and insight! Very helpful! I may actually let him read this part of the thread.. : )
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waiting4alife, copy the text I wrote to your email and send it to your BF. Tell him it is an email from a friend of yours from church or whatever. Tell him first that I'm not criticizing him, I'm sharing my experience because I'm about a year ahead of him and essentially in the exact same situation as he is. Your BF is struggling with a painful and incredibly difficult situation. He is on the front lines of this battle with dementia and he probably can't see the forest for the trees because he is so busy putting out fires. I don't doubt that he is exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally and completely overwhelmed because this disease is incredibly difficult to cope with, particularly in the stages his father is in. The arc of the disease is such that things are going to get worse, far, far worse and at the end, the caregiver is often so worn out they only feel relief when their parent passes on. And then they feel guilt because they aren't crying. Your BF is going to need all the support you can give him to get through this. He may become depressed and once his dad dies, he will struggle - let me clue you in, there are some great books on dealing with the death of your parents available on Amazon - such as "Losing your parents, Finding yourself: The defining turning point of adult life" by Victoria Secunda and "The Orphaned Adult" by Alexander Levy. I recommend you go ahead and get these books and read them so you will know how to support your BF. And when his dad dies, give your boyfriend the books or if you feel they will help him now, give him the books now - after all he has already lost his mother. There are also some very practical books on Eldercare that may help your BF through this transitional stage - the only issue is if he will actually have the time to read them, but consider getting him these:

The Eldercare Handbook: Difficult choices, compassionate solutions by Stella Mora Henry and Ann Convery

Eldercare 911: The caregiver's complete guidebook for making decisions

Elder Rage or Take my father please, How to survive caring for aging parents - this particular book is especially appropriate for your BF now and may save him a great deal of grief in the near future and long run as he goes through the dementia journey with his father.

I think more than anything, knowing that there are others who are going through the same thing and have dealt with pretty much every problem he is dealing with will help your boyfriend - which is why I recommend the message board caregiver's forum on the Alzheimer's website for your BF. There are solutions to nearly any problem there and if he can't find the problem on the board he can post it and get some quick advice on solutions from people who have been there, done that.
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Waiting4alife, good path in setting an example for your daughter. Not just considering "religious" reasons but practical ones. The institution of marriage protects both spouses, protects the union and has social "privileges" in civil law. sigh of relief! Moxie1 has a good life "project plan" for transitioning your BF's elderly father.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you, Moxie! This is more than I had hoped for and exactly what I needed. You are a God send! I did copy and paste most, but not all, of it and emailed it to him. I just hope he isn't offended. I explained that it was meant to help him. I'm sure he is majorly stressed and possibly depressed, although he hides it well. The stress of possibly losing me has added to it. But I have assured him that I wil be with him through it all and we WILL get though this. Your advice will allow us to not go through it blindly. Thanks, again!
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BTW, I did order "Understanding the Dementia Experience" and "Elder Rage, or Take my Father Please." I'm going to give them to him when I see him this weekend. I think he's under more stress than he is letting on and doesn't want to admit it because he doesn't want to appear weak. I think these books will help him to know that so many others have been in the same boat, and it's normal to feel stressed and it's not considered a weakness. Also, that it's ok to ask for and get help, and know what to do and how to do it as the stages progress. My only concern is whether or not there are the funds to hire help to come in. I know BF doesn't have the money. His dad might have the money, but I know his dad would not allow it to be spent on that. I'm not sure if he has access to his dad's checking/savings accounts. He seems tight-lipped when it comes to talking about that kind of stuff. But, other family members have assured me that his dad has the money. He is just too cheap/stubborn to spend it. I know.....this is where BF needs to step up and be the parent. I plan on going over all of this with him this weekend. Hopefully, we can develope a 'plan of attack,' so to speak. Thanks again (((hug)))!
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He has had attachment problems from day one. You can't fix the situation or him. He needs therapy. As for his dad, he needs time away from him for his own mental health. When my kids were young and we would hire a sitter, sometimes one or the other would cry and have a real meltdown. As soon as we were out of the driveway, they were fine. If dad has a cow and gets his way, he will continue to have a cow. There are many home health care places with trained caregivers who could give him the time he needs to have a life. An honest dialog between the two of you is needed asap. Take your cue from that conversation and go from there.
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Don't be surprised if you get resistance from BF. He might even see you as controlling or meddling. You're asking him to do things he hasn't been willing/able to do in 51 years - go against his dad's wishes and exert control over his very onery/demanding/degrading dad. He does need counseling, but if he's like most guys, he won't want to do that. He may not be willing or able to do those things now, even with your support.

I once dated a guy who I know now was a hoarder (this was before hoarding was as publicized as it is now). He had a beautiful house that was filled to the gills with stuff. He had little pathways through the house to get to his bedroom and kitchen. Cobwebs/dirt/dust everywhere. He was a very smart guy (was an MD). I (being a psychology grad, lol) just knew I could "help" him. So I spent one whole Saturday cleaning his kitchen so we wouldn't get poisoned from eating food from it. I was just sure that when he saw the sparking kitchen, it would spur him to want to clean up the rest of his house. To make a long story short, he didn't appreciate my "help" and saw me as controlling. We parted ways, which was fine with me. I couldn't have lived in the conditions he was very comfortable in. He had some psychological issues that were more than I saw and more than he was willing to face at the time. So good luck with your BF. He may or may not be willing to work on changing.
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waiting4alife, there are also Alzheimer's Caregivers support groups in most cities and towns. They meet about once a month and I think this could be of great benefit to you and your BF to attend. You can find a support group in your area through this website: http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp
It is also not unusual for caregivers to have their own counselors or psychologists to help them get through this ordeal. Believe me, there is nothing pleasant about watching your parent turn into an angry monster who does crazy unpredictable things and then looks to you to fix it and is angry if you can't and then watch them fade away with this disease, becoming someone who can barely speak and eventually become bedridden. It's terribly tragic. It seems that whatever the worst aspects of your parents personality are, they become magnified by this disease and then it actually gets worse, where your parent turns into a brain damaged shell of a person who can't communicate and doesn't seem to know you are there or recognize you and either starves to death or dies of a complication such as pneumonia. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. There is no effective treatment and no cure. You know children love their parents. Even if their parent was less than a good parent, somewhere, deep down, children want their parent's love and approval. Then this disease happens and that person who was such a powerful force in your life is slowly destroyed by it. And as the adult child, you have no control over the disease but you can manage the situation in the best possible way so that there will not be any regrets later that you didn't do all you could to make sure your parent had the best possible care. The thing is, the best possible care is really from someone who is not as emotionally involved with the parent and doesn't have a history with them and also from someone who is well rested and able to cope with an extremely demanding patient because the caregiver knows they will be going home after their shift. That's why your BF needs to begin marshaling resources now - to make sure his dad gets the best possible care. No matter how well-meaning, it is really impossible for a son to be the best caregiver. If you want a job done right, hire a professional to do it.

As to payment, if the father or his wife was ever in the military, there is the VA which offers benefits to low income veterans. There are also medicaid benefits if his income level is too low to pay for his care after all of his assets have been used up. It may be that the father purchased longterm care insurance for himself at some point which can be used to pay for caregivers now. If not, then basically, his money needs to go to pay for his care.

An in home caregiver costs anywhere from $16 to $25 per hour. It is best to go through an established agency as they have completed background checks on all their employees, provide training in dementia care and also have people they can switch in and out as needed, so your BF will never be faced with a situation where he needs a caregiver for his father but one is not available. Dementia care is really a calling and it takes a special person to have the patience to do that. All of my parents caregivers are very unique and special and have been really good to my parents. It is such a relief to know that people like this exist and are there for you and your parents in their time of need. The really great thing is that the caregivers come into work fully rested and not stressed out and they are fully trained and very experienced in dealing with dementia patients, so it is so much easier for them to deal with our loved ones. If our parents snap at them, they retreat and try again a different way until they get our parents to do what they need to do. The only issue with having caregivers from an agency is in a situation where the weather is so bad it is impossible to get a caregiver to the parents home. But that is not something that happens often. In fact, this last winter, the caregiving company was so concerned about my parents, they hired professional drivers with cars equipped for the weather to pickup the caregivers at their homes and drive the caregivers to my parents house so there was at least some degree of coverage on ice days. And the caregivers do become emotionally attached to the people they are serving. It's really a very heartwarming situation and if your BF saw how incredibly well this works, I think he wouldn't hesitate for even a second to hire in caregivers. The caregivers are also great sounding boards and great about telling you what is needed. For example, right now my mother has a bowel impaction - a not uncommon problem with dementia patients, so the caregivers called in one of the company's registered nurses. She is going to solve this problem by giving my mother an enema and I don't have to worry about it. This nurse knows what she is doing, has done this before and has developed a good trust relationship with my mother. This will prevent an extra doctors visit. If something else was going on, the company communicates about it to me. If they think mom needs to see a doctor they tell me and also they helped me to get mom on the medication she needs for her agitation and have notified me when the dosage needed to be increased. Later on in the process, they will advise me of when it is the right time to call in hospice and arrange everything for me. The value of having the right people to advise me on this situation is immeasurable.

The way I think about this situation, although I have a lot of medical knowledge, I'm a business person, not a doctor or nurse and I haven't had any experience with dementia prior to this. No one else in our family ever had dementia. So I've had to learn everything from the ground up. I don't have siblings or any other relatives to advise me. But one thing I do know is that when you are faced with a situation like this, you need the help and advice of professionals who have been there, done that and know what works and what doesn't. So that is why I hired a home healthcare company that specializes in working with dementia patients. And they have been absolutely wonderful and a great asset to me and my parents. I hope your BF will do the same and I hope that he will seek a caregivers support group and also counseling for himself. Losing our parents is one of the toughest most painful ordeal that we face as adults and the complication of dementia makes it worse than we ever imagined it could be. But having the right resources to help and support us and our parents through this ordeal makes all the difference.

If your BF does not have medical and financial POA, then he needs to contact an eldercare attorney and seek guardianship of his father. It costs $10,000 but the costs can come from his father's estate once his father has been declared incompetent. At that point, your BF would have full access to his father's finances and estate in order to make sure his father got the care he needed.
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I also want to mention there is something called respite care which is available at most privately funded nursing homes and memory care facilities. Respite care is for a few days or a few weeks. Basically you check your parent in like it is a hotel in order to take some time for yourself or go on vacation. One lady I know really struggled over doing this, but she and he husband had paid for a cruise before her mom was diagnosed with dementia and it became apparent that she could not care for herself. Her mom was against going into a home and begged her daughter to promise to always keep her home, but she could not stay home alone while the daughter was on vacation. There was no other family who could help. So my friend could either cancel her vacation and lose several thousand dollars or go on the cruise and put her mom in respite. So with much encouragement from me, she checked her mom into respite for two weeks, her mom gave her the typical guilt trip and cried when my friend was leaving and my friend cried and left on her cruise with much trepidation and concern. She did call the facility from one of the ports and they told her that her mom was doing great. When she came back from the cruise, her mom was laughing and having a great time with other folks in the care facility. She had gained back some of the weight she had lost in the preceding weeks. Upon leaving the facility, her mom told her she wanted to go back to visit her new friends several times a week. The people at the facility told her that her mom was a real "live wire" and had kept everyone in stitches the whole time she was there and that everyone loved her! (She didn't normally act like that at home!) Two weeks later, my friend's mom was asking my friend if she could please move back into the care facility because she had more fun there than at home. You can imagine how shocked my friend was, but she complied and now it's 6 months later and her mom is just as happy as can be in the care facility and my friend has been able to go back to being a daughter instead of a full-time caregiver.
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Change is hard for older people. Sometimes we have to know what is the right path and stick to our guns. Glad that you're getting some help here, Waiting!
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That was a great story to share!!!
Im sure that happens more than we realize.
Thank you for a 'Positive' look at a parent being in a Care Facility. And its WONDERFUL that your
Friend can be a Daughter that is well rested,
Harbors No Resentment, & still leading mostly
A 'normal' life schedule. And Mom was Happy!
That's what we all want anyway.
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Yes, great story, Moxie1! It's good to hear a GOOD story about a care facility, for a change. I think BF's dad would like it, too, because he likes to socialize. But getting him there to prove it would be the problem!
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Moxie, thank you …. HOPE!!!
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Not all facilities are created equal though. Also they share one thing, they are pretty expensive. It is hard for many to afford that earned money in a different economy & yes I know there is nursing home medicaid but many fall into the middle which is too little to pay private but too much to qualify for assistance & as much as ppl seem to have these places are costly.
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wow
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Moxie1, I have shared your info with my BF and it has been very helpful. He was wondering if it would be helpful to him to let his dad read some literature on dementia? Like, maybe it would, at least temporarily, make his dad understand why he needs to take away his car keys. Anyone else may answer, too. He tries to explain why to his dad, but his dad is insistent that he can still drive. Maybe if he read it from an expert it would convice him. It is doubtful that his dad would go to the doctor or a counselor.
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Waiting, if he has dementia, reasoning is pretty futile. Don't Argue, Reason or Explain--ARE is the acronym. Sounds like bfn needs to read more. Best wishes to you both.
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waiting4alife, almost all dementia patients have agnosognocia - the complete inability to recognize that anything is wrong with them, so sharing dementia literature with your BF's dad would be a waste of time and likely cause him to become angry and agitated. I remember my mother, after diagnosis, going around saying, "There is NOTHING wrong with my brain or my body!" But the fact was she clearly had dementia which was obvious to anyone who interacted with her for more than a minute or two and at that time she was entering stage 6 - so it was pretty darn advanced. ba8alou is right, Don't argue, reason or explain. Dementia patients don't get it. But there are things the BF could do. Instead of explaining why the car keys are taken away, buy The Club on amazon and put it on dad's steering wheel. This will disable the car. When dad asks about it, your BF can claim that someone from the driver's license bureau and a police officer put it on the car and claim he doesn't have the key so he can't take it off. This is called a therapeutic lie. OR, your BF could "steal" dad's car if he is his father financial POA. Of course, what he would really be doing is selling the car and then the money is to be used for his father's care. But your BF could take the car while his dad is asleep and pretend it was stolen. It is a good idea to clue the local police in on what is going on first so if the dad reports the car stolen they know it really isn't.
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Hey I don't know but I explain to my mom what is going on in her brain and while she doesn't understand the science of it, she realizes that something is wrong in that she cannot remember along with various other things. Exception to the rule I guess...
I am a firm believer that nothing is absolute and not trying will most likely achieve nothing. What harm will be if he doesn't respond? However may i suggest keep it more personal. Don't use literature but rather sit down and understand dementia deeply, then sit him down and explain the science of it, maybe show him the scans of his brain (if yall have any done periodically. Another thing you can try is if he has a geriatric psych there is a test they perform every visit that can show the decline as well. Good luck
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yeah, most people can "get" that they have a "memory problem" if they are trusting types, anyways.
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Here is an update on my BF's situation, as requested. And thank you for asking, BTW, ba8alou. : ) Not a whole lot has changed, but some things have. My BF has been reading up on alzheimers/dementia and is getting a better understanding of it. He is also attending a dementia support group at the local senior center once a month, which I think is very helpful to him. He is getting more frustrated as his dad's dementia worsens. He did get his dad to give up driving and took insurance off his dad's car, and has the keys in a safe place where his dad won't find them. He has not yet gotten an in-home caregiver to stay with his dad while he is at work. His dad doesn't use the stove or the microwave because he doesn't remember how. And...he takes the knobs off before he leaves for work. His dad will still try to mow the lawn, but most of the time he can't figure out how to start the mower. He also will "mow" with the blades not engaged.... He thinks he did a great job! With his poor eyesite he doesn't know the difference. BF is now looking into day care to take him to while he is working but doesn't know how he's going to get him to agree to go. He's very stubborn. Paying for it is another thing. BF can't afford it. Dad refuses to pay for it. Medicare probably won't cover it.

As for our relationship. We've pretty much worked things out and have come to an understanding. He has been a lot more open with me. We still don't see each other as much as we'd like, but that has a lot to do with our conflicting work schedules. No engagement ring, yet. He is interviewing for full time job positions. Right now he is only working part time. If he starts working full time he is going to have to put his dad in day care at least twice a week. a lot of things still pending on other things. We're learning as we go.
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Moxie1, you are so right. My mom would never fully acknowledge that there was something wrong. One time when she did, she was so utterly petrified that I couldn't think of how to answer her for fear of really sending her into a panic. So I just held her. She forgot about the conversation anyway. After that when she would refer to her fears, thank God I was able to think up answers that diverted her fears until she forgot and slipped back into her own world.
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good deal waiting! sounds like its coming along for y'all. :)
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