How do I maintain a relationship with a caregiver who's father rules over him and only lets us see each other once a week?

one minor thought from me. if you could never live on his dads homestead because of your job, you seem to be putting much of your stock in material gain and i dont think material gain equates to happiness / fulfillment either. others here will not agree, im fine with that. myself, if a woman wouldnt live in a van down by the river with me to be with me then she fails the test. you may be waiting on acceptable terms from him while steadfastly securing your ideaologies as non negotiable. keeping the same job till your golden years went out with the hula hoop. your employer would fire you tomorrow if you exceed the limit that he wants to pay. BF making his dad a priority right now doesnt strike me as odd as the fact that your making no provisions to help him in this ( what some could see as ) obligation. BF would be leaving his morality dangling to dessert dad for a woman with worldly priorities imo. i think BF may be smarter than he looks and that is not a sexist statement but my take on the priorities of all involved.

StandingAlone, I applaud you, I am in awe of you. You have gone way above and beyond. You deserve a metal of honor, and a long, long, LONG rest!

I know this doesn't begin to compare to what you have been through, but I felt like I had the life sucked out of me in my marriage. My ex was SO demanding of me. I had to do my work plus help him with his work, plus a full time job, etc, etc... And he would not let me have friends or spend much time with my family, but who had the time?. Very controlling. After I divorced, I felt the same way. Didn't want to give any of myself to anyone. Just wanted to take care of me. Do what I wanted, when I wanted, with who I wanted, or do noting at all, if I wanted. And I did. I didn't think I needed anyone, especially a man.

After 8 years of mostly happy singleness, with bouts of loneliness, along came this very nice guy who asked me out. I thought I'd give it a try, just for the heck of it, with zero expectations.

Long story short, he was a God-send! Not perfect, nobody is. But wonderful, nonetheless.

I have been warned to not even date this guy because he is "nerdy" and hangs out with old people. I hang out with old people, too! People don't take the time to get to know someone, they judge by what's they see on the outside. If they had taken the time they would realize what a huge heart my BF has! Sometimes people have been hurt so much by other people that they don't show their true selves for fear of being hurt again. So people judge them as being weird, nerdy, whatever.... Yes, he's a little nerdy at first, but that is because he is nervous until he gets to know you, then that goes away. He's got a loving heart, and the fact that he's very good-looking doesn't hurt matters!

I am going into this knowing what I'm probably in for, and I choose to try to stick it out. Call me stubborn! It will probably end up being tougher than I thought it would be, but I'm prepared for that. This forum has helped me to know what to possibly expect and I thank you all, for that.

It will probaly be a very long time, but once you have rested and concentrated on you for a while, you will most likely allow someonein your life again. Hopefully you can find someone who is not demanding of you, like I have. I wish you the very best!

All I know is that I was a care taker for my mom for over a decade. It took so damn much out of me I couldn't even imagine dating and I would have felt selfish as hell if I had even tried to get into a relationship with anyone. Why? Because I knew I didn't have what it took at the time...and I still don't. There wasn't any TIME. Once my mom's Alz declined to a certain point there was no leaving, was no going out, was no time to even sit at Starbucks to have a single cup of coffee! Hell, I'd go a couple weeks(Eeesh!)without a shower because I was just to exhausted to bother with it. It literally got to the point where my mom would get agitated if I stepped out of the damn room long enough to pee! What do you think my state of mind was dealing with that? It wasn't a good one to put it mildly. What would it have meant to someone in a relationship with me? Nothing good. And sex?? BWHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good one. I would have felt selfish as hell dating someone because I knew exactly where they'd end up...on the back burner. Had I dated anyone it would have been because I needed something they could give me, while knowing I had nothing to give, and I wasn't about to do that. I wouldn't expect anyone to want to date the caretaker of an elderly parent, and I damn sure don't want to ever date one myself. I'm not the one to be satisfied with the back burner. After having lived what I lived I know what's up. No thanks.

My mom died December 20th. It's going to be a long, long time before I feel like giving a damn thing to anyone else. I'm worn out. I'm tired. I don't want to make concessions for even one more person for even one more minute at this point. I don't want someone wanting something from me, demanding something from me. I just don't have the ability to compromise, negotiate or give a tinkers damn what anyone else wants from me at this point. I've already given so much of myself to my mom that I wonder if I'll ever date again and just the thought of someone putting pressure on me to do something I don't want to do irritates the hell out of me. I need peace. I need quiet. I need and crave solitude like I need and crave oxygen right now. You can't even begin to imagine the toll that this role can take on someone, what it takes OUT of them. Any relationship I might have had while taking care of my mom, and even the thought is laughable, would have been totally and completely one sided, with me doing the taking. I just didn't have anything left over to give and successful relationships are a two way street. The mental toll that the care giver role can take on someone is so ungodly huge that nobody who hasn't done it can't even begin to fathom it. And that's not even adding the mental bullshit that abuse or dealing with whacked parents add on top of it all. Bleh.

Date this man. Enjoy him. But don't have too many expectations, wants or needs. You'll be setting yourself up for major disappointment if you do. That's all.

I have also wonder how the responses would read if the shoe was on the other foot. Quite differently, I think.

I think you hit the nail on the head, ignorotic.I feel the negativity. Almost feels like some are bitter or angry that I am staying positive and willing to try and make it work. I have read each response with the knowledge that they are only opinions and that only I know the whole story and know what is best for me and my BF.

I admit I wasn't ready for such responses and it really made me feel, as you said "doom and gloom" after reading them. Then I realized that they are only speaking from their experiences, like you said.. Just because some caregiver relationships don't go well, doesn't mean they all are destined to failure.

It's all about what you are willing to fight for. True love is worth fighting for. If you walk away when complications arise, then it is only a fair weather or convenience relationship. Not love.

waiting4alife, I would take most of the posts in this thread, and other threads with a similar topic, with a grain of salt. I've seen several threads with women asking about advice on saving or fixing a relationship that is under stress due to caregiving, and the majority response is negative doom and gloom sort of stuff.

I think some people here have had bad experiences and they project that into your situation. I know most of them still mean well. I just wonder how different some of these responses would be if it were the woman caregiving and the man wanting to change the situation...

I have a lot of respect for people who stick with their friends, family, etc when things are hard. Most people in this world only want you around if it's on their terms and it's complication free.

Best of luck, glad to hear things seem to be on an upswing!

From my post, you all may have gotten the impression that my BF has never dated before. I just want to make it clear that he has He has had 4 other relationships, but he had not dated for 8 years before me. He's not as much s a hermit as i made him out to be. He used to travel by motorcycle all over the state and sometimes out of state. He would pack his tent and stay at campgrounds on his journey. Sometimes he went alone, sometimes with friends or relatives. Until about 5 years ago he was riding and blew a tire and totalled his bike. Luckily, he was not badly hurt. He also is a talented woodworker.

Anyway, we had a wonderful time, today! Spent the whole day together. He gave me the royal treatment. Red roses, breakfast, the mall, dinner. We talked a lot, about everything. I think we are going to be ok. He's a very understanding person. I think he has been a lot more stressed out from his dad than he has been letting on. His dad is a constant worry. BFs aunt took care of his dad while he was gone today.

I hear you about the narcissism and the verbal and emotional abuse and that you are not going there. My mother is a narcissistic and I made some bad choices. Sounds like you have done well for yourself, I could not say that this will or will not work and probably you can't either at this point. My guy is a very good man too, but it has needed some work and me speaking up before I blow - I know that behaviour very well.
I don't think he will stray either he hasn't shown that pattern.
Another pointer always start your discussion with some positives - you appreciate him and your relationship, you love your time together, you admire how he makes sacrifices to care for his dad... whatever is genuinely what you feel, and then ease into your concerns. Men need to be admired and appreciated, He has helped you fix up your house - awesome. Then let him know what you need. One thing most women need is security.
Remember you are an equal partner in this team.

Thanks, POCKETS256 ; )

daughter, he will not stray. Don't ask me how i know because that is between he and I. My original question was not--should I stay or leave. It was--how do I maintain. I had already decided to stay. Just wanted advice on how to cope and deal with the situation. Not everyone has told me to leave, just the ones who misunderstood the question. So many people here are so quick to assume certain things and shoot him down. That's ok. You don't know the whole story. Only the physical facts. I know I'm not going to give up on him....yet. He deserves a chance and I know he's worth it. He's a helluva good guy.

Thanks, again, emjo. In my marriage, I didn't speak up until things got so bad that I just exploded. My ex was very demanding of me and expected unrealistic things of me. He treated me like property, like he owned me and could use me any way he pleased. For the longest time I knew there must be a name for his type of behavior. I finally stumbled across it the other day---nassisistic abuser. I was very timid and didn't want to rock the boat, so I tried to do as he asked. But it got to be too much for me and when I refused, he abused me. Mostly verbally and mentally, but once in a while physically, too. I didn't say anything to anyone for a long time. He warned me not to. So it continued until I finally grew some balls and left him.

Some characteristics of a narcissistic abuser--Feeling of superiority over others. Unreasonable expectations of others, failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority. Shamelessness. Project their shame on to others. Inflate themselves by deflating and degrading others. Others exist to serve them or may as well not exist.No boundary between self and other--others are treated as an extension of themselves. Lack of empathy. Detest people who do not admire them. Using other people. Acting a lot more important than they are. Excessive bragging. Claiming expertise at many thngs. No gratitude, no remorse. No guilt. Pathalogical lying. Manipulative. Anti-social. Failure to accept responsibility for their actions.

After I left him i went to school to become a CT radiology technologist. Gained TONS of confidence! I am self-supporting. I know i will never be abused by anyone ever again! That is why I am confident that I can handle things that come my way with my BF. I'm not going to put up with any more sh-- from anyone. Ha, ha!

But, yes, I neeed to communicate in a non-threatening way. and one thing at a time. Gonna give it a go this weekend.

waiting - I found it very hard to initiate too, yet my guy is a good listener, and considers well what I say. especially if I present it in a logical fashion and even with some back up e.g. part of an article from the internet. Part of your job as 1/2 of a couple is to teach your man about you and about women in general and also to learn about him and what works with him. Men and women tend to have different approaches. I did not speak up in previous relationships and things built up in me. Sometimes just being heard is enough and sometimes you need assurance that the issue will be worked on to a mutually successful conclusion. I agree that if he is a kind man he will consider your feelings. It is about working things out together to something that fits both of you. My guy is away much more than most, and, for the most part, I am OK with that as I need space too. We both are very independent. However recent pressures have kept him away more - too much for my comfort - so I have spoken up about it. It is not resolved yet, but I am assured he is working on it. Having built up some trust from resolving past issues, I can live with that. If you want to this to be long term, you need to develop your skills in communicating your needs and also listening to his and build up trust both ways that both of your needs will be met. Be clear on your points, stay calm - mostly - a show of emotion which tells the other person how important this is to you is good, All the articles say not to tackle too much at one time - women tend to do that. Wishing you all the best.

Wow, countrymouse, that is extreme! I'm sure i would get out before I'd let that go on for long. First time he bailed out when I needed him most, he'd be gone!

lwentagon, he is an only child. Only relatives close by is dad's sister-in-law in her 80's. Not really able to help. He can't arrange day off because his dad refuses outside care/help, including mine. Boardgames would be almost impossible because he can't concentrate and gets confused easily. Oh, I'm sure his dad sees me as a threat that i will take his son away from him, although he has never been intentionally rude to me. He just says inappropriate things sometimes because of his dementia. He is not able to filter the things that pop into his mind. they come right out of his mouth. But then he realizes what he said and is embarrassed.

Kathleen, when we met, my BF was working for my friend's boyfriend who owns a construction company. He was the guy who comes and takes the estimates for a job that is about to be done. I was having my roof re-shingled on my house and he sent him out to calculate how much material would be needed and give me an estimate on the cost. We hit it off and he asked me out. In reality, we were set up by my friend and her BF. They told him I was single, and they told me that he was single and looking. This was back when his dad wasn't too bad, yet. He was working almost full time and he was able to get away more, for work, and for me. . As his dad got worse, he cut down on his work hours......and his 'me' hours.

Jessiemae, when his dad is gone he won't have any parents left to cater to. His mother died 11 years ago.

ignorotic, I agree. I plan on discussing it with him this weekend.

waiting4alife-I told you before this won't work like everyone else. He has not been able to have a real loving relationship with a woman. If he doesn't end up placing you in the "mother" role. I'll bet when he does get his "freedom" he'll feel guilty that he feels relief. And during this stage he will be making up for lost time. He will not want to settle for one woman. But it sounds like you are not ready to hear what everyone is saying you are defending your choice. So good luck.

You said, "I don't believe in desserting someone when the going gets tough. Marriages fail because people are selfish and don't want t make the effort to work out the problems. They'd rather just drop everything and leave and go find the next partner that things will evenually fall apart with because they still haven't learned to deal with problems. It's an instant gratification world, with a leave if things don't go your way attitude. i think it stinks"

I think that ROCKS! You drove that home for sure. Good for you, and recognizing people in today's world. While it is rather unfortunate and sad it's true.
Good luck to you but I really don't think you need it.

Be well.

I just want to chime in and agree with what waiting4alife said earlier about our society being so fickle and selfish, abandoning friends and family anytime a situation ceases to be "fun" or something that you get a personal gain from.

I think my reply got lost in the shuffle, but...I think your best bet is to be honest and tell him how you feel. I'm sure if he is a kind man, you will be able to find a compromise that you are both happy with.

Walk away. Take it from one who has for over 40yrs. taken a backseat to hubby's parents. When I married him, I thought it was sweet that he was so helpful to his parents. Didn't take but a few years to figure out that they would always come first. The older they got, the more they depended on him. His Dad passed away about 20yrs. ago. The last month of his life, hubby moved in with them because that's what they and insane sister wanted and just left me and the kids to take care of ourselves. Mother is still here at 92 and she and insane sister are still top priority. He goes by before he goes to work everyday and that's the first place he lands and stays at least an hr. before he comes home each evening. The sister has been divorced for 37yrs. and is truly a nut case. She moved in to take care of Mother a couple of yrs. ago. Trust me, Mother would be much better off in a NH. Home health nurses turned her in to Adult Protective Service because she's a hoarder and the place is so piled up and filthy. Sister was also verbally abusive to the nurses and didn't want them there. They sent a case worker and of course Mother said she was fine and wanted to stay home and there was no abuse going on. Hubby was going to see that the place was cleaned up. The junk was simply moved to a couple of rooms in the back of the house. Hubby volunteered to have Mother move in with us without even asking me. No way I'm taking care of her!!! I've had both knees replaced this past year and I refuse to kill myself trying to lift her. Also I still have a job that I don't plan to give up till I'm old enough to retire. I do work from home, but it is still a job. If I had had any idea of how wrapped up he was with his parents, I would have run fast and far before I married him.

How did you meet him? Just curious because it sounds like he wouldn't have alot of opportunity to meet others or be out of the house.

I know I don't.

I have that issue, my friend and his mother. She had a two flat...he did have his own life so to speak, but his Mom was presented to me as a package deal, as far as I am concerned they both lucked out or both lucked in...If his father has dementia or Alzheimer's or requires 24/7 care, there is NO way that he can be at your house any amount of time without endangerment. Is he an only child are there no other children that could help him BF out? Why hasn't he arranged for days off? Everybody needs those. Maybe he could invite you over to play board games, so his father could develop a relationship with you as well and might not demonstrate his neediness, because he would also look forward to your visits.

I do not think you are in the wrong department, only a caregiver would understand, the needs of the his father vs. any other people, or any other needs, and I can tell you, that you are on the right road, when you recognize that a caregiver already has some/other stressers, but a caregiver also deserves to establish his own relationships too! However shutting you out or having his father call his shots...that is not in your interest, but has he considered moving you in? He your BF has obligations, to both you and his father, maybe his father's concerns are that he will be dumped and your concerns are that you will be dumped does it have to be either/or? Can't you both co-exist?

If you know already, that there is some reason you could not live with this man, then you are pretty much going to have to, take things as they are...or counter offer and see where your BF stands with living together...

Either way, it sounds like communication is in order and so close to Valentine's Day, I wish you Good Luck!

Another possible parallel for you to consider: a couple I know have had a relationship for 18 years, the first thirteen of them below the radar, for less creditable reasons than your BF has but let's not go into that. He's been free to take things further for approaching five years now. She managed at last to get him to go away on holiday, they've now been abroad twice that I know of. But I told him (not her, I wouldn't be so unkind!) that I thought she needed her head examined if she still believed they would end up living together as a couple. There when she really needed him? She had breast cancer (thank God she's recovered well). Her mother died. Her house burned down. And, sure enough, whenever she needs him... she's on her own.

Well, maybe she still finds it's worth it (apparently so), and good luck to her. But her hope that it'll one day all come together is painful to see. Just please take care of yourself better than that.

So true, Jessiebelle..... Thank you.

JB, I agree, too...

Well said, EMJO. This is definitely what I need to do. I, also, have a hard time being the initiater. I'm more of a follower than a leader. But I know I need to take the bull by the horns, so to say. Thank you.

I agree absolutely, Jessie. We need to attend to those feelings that keep surfacing.

waiting4life, one thing I've learned in my long years of life (62 of them) is that when a discussion evolves like this one has, often what was first said is from the heart. If you want to know how your heart feels, read your initial post. If you are like others, the subsequent rationalizations are from the head, which often tries to overrule the heart. When it comes to emotions and happiness, the heart is the thing to follow.

This sounds like hogwash, I know, but I recently watched a documentary on how the heart has a mind of its own physically. I bet somewhere on down the line that scientists will realize more how this vascular "brain" influences us, often letting us know things before our brains do. But enough of the science. I would just say listen to your heart and not your logical mind.

waiting - I very much understand your inner conflict of wanting to get married - waiting for things to get better and also enjoying your single life. I have been there too.

As far as showing him this discussion I wouldn't. Guys don't share that easily. I think he would be highly embarrassed to see his and your business discussed in a public forum and it would not do you or your relationship with him any good. What I think you can do is take some ideas from what you find useful here and discuss them with him. After all, you will not have a forum to discuss all your couple issues with all the time. If you are to have a successful long term relationship with him, you need to be able to talk about what is bothering you, what your goals are, to set goals for the two of you with him - to share your feelings with him. Most men do not do this naturally. It is something that women bring to a relationship. I may get tackled for being sexist here but after all, men and women are different - equal but different.

I find that writing things out clarifies them for me, then I try to bring my thoughts/issues down to the basics and share with my guy. Guys do better with fewer words. He is getting them e.g. I need contact when he is away. He got that one. I need more time with him. He is getting that one. I need more balance in the relationship - which in our case at present means he needs to do more around the house. He is getting that one too. It takes work on your part and his. I believe that most guys respond better to a calm logical approach, but there are times when feelings have to be shown in these discussions, but perhaps better that they do not dominate the discussion.

Guys do well of you can bring in concrete examples - word pictures, There is lots of info on the internet about communicating with a loved one. One of my favourites with my guy is telling him I was feeling like one of the saddle bags he puts on his horses when he goes trail riding. It is there for his convenience, bringing things that he needs and likes, but at other times it sits on a shelf. The saddlebag has no say in what is happening. He got my point. I have more say now.

Re the throwing people away - dear one, the point is not about throwing him away, it is about throwing you away on something that is not bringing you what you want and need.

From what you have described he has some good qualities and some drawbacks. Don't we all. If the good stuff outweighs the bad stuff for you it can work. Getting your needs met, whether he is caregiving dad, or not is something you have to work on. If you find certain questions nagging you regularly, as the one you originally posted, it is a sign from yourself to you that you need to do something about it. Don't ignore yourself. I am in the process of working something out with my guy that is not working out as I thought it would. My need is there, but the reasons for it were not what I thought, so the solution is different from what I thought. But he is patient and cooperating with me as I go through my thing and figure it out. I appreciate that and try to do the same for him.

If you want to know if the two of you are headed for marriage, in my view you need to talk about it with him, or anything else that is on your mind - like the amount of control his dad exerts over him. "I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain." Don't complain - present your feelings and needs to him. He cannot read your mind. As with my guy - I have to stay off the topic of the horses and the amount of time etc. that he spends on them, and focus on me feeling left out, or too low on his priorities, or needing/wanting more time with him, Then it is up to him how he deals with that and his solution may not be one I have thought of. Not everything will go your way, but it is important that you can express your needs and see that he will move to meet them.
Good luck.

Standing, that is what I was trying to say, but you said it for me. I know the issues, here, and i want to make a go of it, anyway. Life is a risk we all take. Everyone has issues, it's just different issues with different people. My BF has issues that most guys don't. But he also doesn't have a lot of the issues that most guys do. It all balances out. Six of one, half dozen of the other. I am happy most of the time. Just every once in a blue moon, I have a rotten day. Who doesn't? LOL! Thanks for your input. : )

waiting4alife, it is what matters. There may not be any long-term relationship, but if you are enjoying how it is, it is what is important now. Your story made me think of the instances where people are very much in love when they have a long-distance relationship, but that it falls apart when they get close. Show-timing is not so easy when you're together a lot. It may happen with you, but if you love the guy, you know best.

Waiting, I didn't mean to sound like I was coming down on you like a ton of bricks... sorry if it sounded that way!

If you think this man is worth it, then he's worth it. And that's that. You know there are issues, but at least you're in this with your eyes wide open. No relationship is free of problems. If you're happy with what you have most of the time then that's all that matters isn't it?

Best of everything!

To answer your questioin, debralee. I have never posted a question on a forum before. I know in my mind that I was simply having an extremely bad day when I posted this and I needed to vent, and nobody was available. So I basically vented on here. Yes, there are days when I really want to get married and get on with life. And other days that I enjoy having the freedom of being single.